My Devil
by ExquisiteEdward
Summary: Bella has a less than stellar love life. That is, until a new neighbor moves in next door. But how long will it take her to overcome her hatred of the cocky, fast-talking, self-absorbed jerk? Humor, no angst. AH E/B.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Here's the first chappie of my next multi-chappie fic. Hang on to your panties… this is gonna be a fun, fun ride.**

**I have so much love for my team… Twilifed113, gjficfan, and shadow4kissed. Chickypoos, I can't thank you enough. And LFC Hotstuff, you're in my thoughts.**

**SM owns Twilight.**

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><p><em><strong>MY DEVIL<strong>_

**_CHAPTER 1_**

**BPOV**

I looked up through narrowed eyes at the sound of some moron honking his horn, repeatedly. "Some people work at home around here, you damn ass monkeys," I ranted like an idiot to the empty room of my home office as if someone was actually going to hear me.

Pissed off, I pushed myself away from my desk with a huff and picked up my Chihuahua, Diablo, from my lap and tucked him under my arm. I stomped over to the window and pulled the curtain back to see if I could catch who was making the ruckus outside and interrupting my work day. I was ready to kick some ass. Well, not really considering I weighed a buck ten soaking wet and was a serious yellow-bellied chicken shit. But I was fired up on all cylinders and most certainly ready to kick some verbal ass. I was completely confident that I could claw some eyeballs or crack some nuts with my venomous tongue.

That thought made me giggle.

As my eyes searched out the window for my victims that I was going to verbally violate, I saw a U-Haul truck backed up to the garage of the house next door. I knew the house had sold, but didn't know when I'd be getting new neighbors. Today must be the day.

A sigh escaped me as I sat Diablo down on the floor and stretched my arms above my head. It was time for a snack and another good old cup of Joe.

I grabbed my coffee mug - the one with 'I'm so fucking happy I could shit rainbows' emblazoned across it - off my desk and walked into the kitchen. I quickly poured myself a fresh cup and grabbed a granola bar.

As I sat at the kitchen table and slowly ate my snack, I worried about who was moving in. My former neighbors moved due to a job transfer. We got along great, and I missed them terribly so I was really nervous about getting replacements. There's nothing in the world worse than having ass wipes living next door to you. And I've had some whoppers in the past. They can make your life a living hell especially when you work at home.

I finished up my granola bar and gave Diablo the last bite. After refilling my coffee cup, I headed back to my office. Curiosity got the best of me so I stopped at the window and peeped out again, hoping to catch a glimpse of someone. Unfortunately, all I saw were movers carrying in large pieces of furniture.

Plopping down at my desk, I started typing away at my computer. After I graduated college, I managed to land a fantastic job working for an insurance company as an underwriter and was lucky enough to work from home.

I stopped and stared at my computer screen in disbelief. The application that I was currently working on made me snort loudly as I shook my head at the stupidity before me. I had a guy that weighed 300 pounds, had high blood pressure and high cholesterol, yet still wanted us to insure him for a million bucks. He was one chili cheese fry away from a toe tag.

After denying his application, I made the appropriate notes to the file and closed it.

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><p>I looked up at the clock and had to do a double-take. The afternoon had zipped by fast. After checking my email one last time, I shut down my computer. Diablo stood in my lap and stretched his little body. I gave him a quick kiss on his head before I carried his spoiled little cute ass to the back door and let him outside.<p>

I started pulling veggies out of the fridge to throw together a salad when my cell phone rang. Smiling, I grabbed it from my pocket.

"Hey, _Rosy-Posy,_" I answered in an annoying sing-song voice. She hated it when I called her that so I made sure I did it a lot.

"Hey, _Bella-bitch_, what's up?" she replied. I could almost see her sneer through the phone. It made me giggle.

"Not much. Oh, guess what? I'm getting new neighbors today."

"_Really?_ Have you seen them yet? Damn, I hope it's a house full of sexy doctors who like to take anal temperatures with their really, large _thermometers_."

"Jesus, Rose, you're a filthy slut."

"Can't a girl dream a little? And if my dream comes true, I'm moving in with you, babe."

"Ha! Not going to happen. Hey, are you still coming over Friday night?" I asked as I cut up some tomatoes.

"Are you crazy? Of course my ass will be there."

"All right, love you."

"Right back 'atcha, bitch," she said, and I smiled as we hung up.

Rose was my best friend. We met my last year in college when I worked part-time in an accounting firm. She was an accountant. She could set the porn industry on fire if a film crew followed her around for a day… and a night. Rose liked her men. And she had them lined up, let me tell you.

She was 5'11" in stocking feet with straight, platinum blonde hair down to the middle of her back. She had eyes the color of a crystal blue sky and voluptuous curves that went on for days.

Her typical office attire consisted of a business suit with a skirt striking her mid-thigh. It was so tight around her large ass that she could barely bend over without splitting the seam. She usually paired her ensembles with fish-net stockings and some type of designer shoe with a minimum 4" heel.

To accentuate her massive mountainous assets, she always wore some type of blouse with a plunging neckline showing off an obscene amount of breasty cleavage. And she loved adding her black horn-rimmed glasses for special effect.

She literally made men drool and lose their damn minds.

Rose was also a hard-assed bitch. We instantly clicked, which was really quite hilarious. I think somehow my easy going nature and her abrasive bitchiness balanced each other out.

Just as I took a bite of my salad, I heard scratching at the back door. I hopped up and let Diablo in and went back to the table to finish my supper. While I chewed, I looked down at him.

He was sitting up on his hind legs, quietly begging. It was truly embarrassing how much that little piece of shit owned my ass. I turned back to my salad and could feel his beady little eyes on me, trying to stare a hole into my skull. Grinning, I picked out a piece of chicken from my salad and slipped it to him.

He was such a cute little stink bomb. His coloring was black with white markings. He had a white patch in the center of his forehead and two little white patches on both sides of his tiny black nose. His legs and under-body were white. His entire body was black as well as his tail except for the very tip, which looked like it had been dipped in white paint.

To be perfectly honest, he was ugly as sin. I mean, he was just so damn ugly that it made him kind of cute and adorable. His ugly grew on you after a while.

He was a tiny little thing too; he only weighed four pounds. And even though he was really _cugly - _that's my made-up word for his weird cute/ugliness - his personality was a whole other story. Evil dwelt inside of him. I swear that he was Satan incarnate. That's why I named him Diablo, which means "devil" in Spanish. He was full of ornery from his little black snout to the white tip of his tail. And he constantly made me laugh my ass off.

He loved me completely, was fiercely protective, and hated every other soul on the planet earth. He snarled, growled ferociously, and proudly showed every crooked fang in his itty-bitty mouth to everyone except me.

For me, he was like a kitten, but to the rest of humanity, he was a demon devil in dog form. He snuggled and slept in my lap all day while I worked, and he would kiss my face off whenever I picked him up. He pretty much worshiped me and like I mentioned before… he owned my ass.

After I cleaned up my dishes and put everything away, I fed him and then decided to go upstairs and take a shower. I toweled off and walked into my bedroom to throw on some clothes. Just as I opened my drawer to pull out some undies, I heard voices. I perked up, having completely forgotten about my new neighbors.

All of my windows were open as it was a beautiful spring day. I had three windows in my bedroom facing the front of the house, but none facing the side with the new neighbors. So I couldn't see them, but I could hear them.

I figured I could go introduce myself to them tomorrow because they were probably really busy today with the move and all. But I didn't think it would hurt to take a little peek at them.

Wrapping a towel around my naked self, I headed downstairs and over to the window in my family room. I pushed the curtain back a bit, looking to see if I could catch a glimpse of anyone.

"_Oh, fuck!"_ I heard a woman's voice scream loudly.

My hand flew to my mouth, and I dropped the curtain and grabbed at my chest, breathing heavily. I had just gotten the shit scared completely out of me.

_"Oh god, just like that! You know how to lick me so good!"_ I heard the woman cry out again.

I felt like my eyes were going to bulge out of my head. I stood there for a few minutes still holding my chest and trying to catch my breath, and that's when it dawned on me. My new neighbors were christening their new home very loudly, so loudly that the whole damn neighborhood could hear it. Now the civilized thing for me to do would have been to march myself back upstairs, finish getting dressed and read my book like I was intending to do. But the sick, twisted, perverted side of me wanted to take another peek... just one tiny, itsy-bitsy little peek.

So I stood there, leaning up against the wall listening to the screaming and panting coming from next door, waging a war with myself.

"_Don't do it, don't do it, don't do it,_" I mumbled to myself as I turned and pulled the curtain back again not listening to a word coming from my mouth. It was just starting to get dark, and my eyes immediately zoned in on the light coming from the kitchen. My new neighbors apparently had all of their windows open like I did since I could hear every word, grunt and moan being uttered. There were no coverings on the windows yet since they'd just moved in.

_"Holy shit," _I said under my breath.

My new neighbor had his woman sprawled out on the end of their kitchen table like an all-you-can-eat buffet. And he looked like a starving man devouring everything that was on the menu. His woman was running her hands through his hair so that it was sticking up all over his head.

There were three large windows in their kitchen that faced my house. They had a rectangular six-person kitchen table next to the windows that was adjacent to me. So I had a perfect side view of everything that was going on.

I couldn't see the man's face, obviously, since he was chowing down in the chic's crotch. All I could see was a mound of dark hair on his head, kind of a reddish brown color, sticking out from between her legs. Even though he was bent down, and I couldn't see much of his body, I could tell he was seriously hot. The tops of his shoulders were all muscled and toned. His meal on the table looked like she could have been a swimsuit model; long, dark wavy hair, an incredible, probably fake rack and a tiny waist. I could also see the glitter of a belly button piercing. And she was writhing on the table in complete ecstasy.

I couldn't believe I actually felt jealous of the woman and I'd never met her or seen her before in my life, but I was. Jealous that is. No one had ever gone down on me before. It was an embarrassing secret that only Rose knew. I could never keep secrets from that bitch. She had some kind of sex sixth sense. She just _knew_ things without me even opening my mouth. It wasn't that I didn't _want_ to have someone do that to me; it was just that the men that I'd been with weren't into it.

I quickly closed the curtain again and leaned against the wall, holding my chest. I looked down and realized that I was standing there in only my towel.

"Walk away from the window," I commanded to myself. But of course I never listened to that person. Even though I was completely disturbed by my actions, I once again turned and peeled the curtain back.

"_I'm coming, I'm coming, yes, yes, oh shit, oh baby, oh shit oh shiiiiiiitttttt!"_ I heard the buffet on the table scream.

The man stood up, and I felt myself get all weak-kneed when I got a great side view of him. He was breathtaking; tall, not overly muscular but more lanky and toned. His profile was astounding. His jaw… I'd never seen a jaw like that before. I could only see his profile from my angle, but that was enough. I never knew a jaw could make a woman wet just from looking at it, but trust me, his did. And now that he was standing, I got a perfect side view of his behemoth... behemoth... _bratwurst. _That was the first word that popped into my head to describe that giant thing I saw stretched long and hard in front of him.

I'd never seen a cock of that magnitude before. Sure, maybe in a porno that had _accidentally_ popped up on my computer occasionally. That damn spam. But I always thought porn stars were freaks of nature or just the results of good camera angles.

As I stared at that fine piece of man, I decided I needed to give him a name. I liked to name things. I was kind of weird and bizarre like that. It was a personality defect. I considered maybe Mr. Sex but decided that was boring and unimaginative. Then I thought about Mr. Fuckhawtness, but didn't like the ring to it. The guy was definitely naughty. Maybe I could call him Mr. Naughty. Mr. Naughty Neighbor? Mr. Nasty Naughty Neighbor? Triple N? Oh, I liked that a lot.

I let my gaze roam over Triple N basically eye fucking the poor unsuspecting bastard to death. He should have been completely exhausted from the kinky things my eyes were doing to him. I watched as he moved closer to his woman buffet on the table, and I stared at his totally rounded, firm ass cheeks that looked just so damn squeezable. I squeezed my hands tightly wishing for just a moment that I could check the expiration date on those buns of his. And suddenly I saw two hands sneak around him and squeeze those luscious lumps.

For just a second I wondered if swimsuit-model-buffet-chic heard my thoughts. I started giggling a little.

She pulled him towards her and suddenly he thrust into her hard in one fell swoop. I started fanning myself because, damn, that was hot!

He started thrusting rapidly, his tight ass flexing with each pump.

I closed the curtain again and squeezed my eyes shut, leaning my forehead against the wall. I slowly started banging it. My thoughts were shifting to a bad, bad place… a sick place where deviant, horny people lived.

I knew I shouldn't do it, and I knew that it was wrong, wrong, wrong on so many levels, but I was a weak and very disturbed individual. I ran upstairs and pulled out my step stool. Reaching into the top of my closet, I rummaged around until I found my dildo. I kept it hidden there so Jared wouldn't find it. I was totally embarrassed that I owned one and didn't want anyone on the planet earth to know about it.

It had been a while since I'd had a good orgasm, and I was horny as hell. I knew this was wrong but how often do you get a fuck hot free live porn show in the comfortable privacy of your own home?

I ran back downstairs to my front row VIP spot by the window and started up Mr. Duncan D. Dildo, aka Triple D.

My eyes darted shamefully from my left to my right around my family room to see if anyone was watching what I was about to do. But then I just started chuckling because who the hell would be watching? Casper, or maybe the Invisible Man?

With a quick eye roll at myself, I started to turn my attention back to the window when something caught my eye. I looked down and frowned when I saw Diablo sitting about three feet away from me, staring at me like _I _was the live porn show.

"Oh, hell, no, you are so not watching me do this. I feel guilty enough as it is," I whispered to him, remembering that the windows were open. I ran to the kitchen and grabbed him a rawhide and handed it to him. He dragged it over to his dog bed and happily started chewing on it, totally ignoring me.

Now that I had him taken care of, I opened the curtain a bit to see what act the porn show was now performing. Triple N was sitting on the table and the swimsuit model was straddling him riding his cock like she was at the rodeo riding a bucking bronco. I fired Duncan up and ran him over my clit a couple of times.

His large hands were all over her. They traveled over her large breasts, down her back and then squeezed her ass as she bounced on him. His right hand reached up and caught one of her massive tits, cupping it. He held onto it while he latched his mouth onto her large, dark nipple.

By this time, I was completely worked up so my pussy was embarrassingly wet. I slipped the dildo inside and gently slid it in and out. My breath hitched as I saw Triple N suddenly pick up the model and bend her over the table.

I let out a frustrated huff because I didn't get a good look at his face. He slid into swimsuit girl and started pounding the shit out of her pussy. He reached his hands down and grabbed her tits and then slid one hand between her legs. I assumed it was to rub her clit since I couldn't really see what his hand was doing. My suspicions were confirmed when she started screaming loud obscenities and slapping her hands loudly against the table. He kept rubbing and pounding into her over and over.

Then he slapped her ass.

And that did it for me.

I started coming and pulsing and pulsing like there were a million tiny volcanoes exploding between my legs. It was so intense that my knees almost buckled. I had to clutch the curtain to keep from falling over. I kept watching them while the tremors started to dissipate. Triple N picked up the pace and yelled out, "_Fuck!"_ He kept thrusting rapidly holding onto her ass for leverage. He kept pounding her over and over again like his orgasm was never going to end.

I stood there just staring, completely spent and panting like an out-of-shape race horse. I was in complete awe of my new neighbor. He was an absolute god of all things sexual.

I looked down at the disgusting dildo dangling from my fingertips as I tried to calm my breathing down. Just as I went to steal another peek out the window, my phone rang. It scared the shitty bejesus out of me, startling me so badly that I screamed like one of those awful B-movie horror actresses and dropped the dildo on the floor. I hoped like hell that Triple N didn't hear me, but I screamed so embarrassingly loud that I didn't see any way he couldn't have. Irritated, I ran to the kitchen table to pick up my cell phone with my shaky hands.

I didn't want to answer it, but I knew exactly who it was from the ring tone, and I _had_ to answer it.

"_Heellllooo_," I breathed heavily like a slutty porn star after a long shoot.

"Bella? What the hell are you doing?" Jared demanded.

"Nothing," I said, panting loudly in his ear.

"Bullshit."

"Um… uh… I was… exercising," I said, trying my damnedest to sound trustworthy. I shut my eyes tight and secretly prayed to Buddha that I didn't sound like I'd just been watching my neighbors sex it up while sexing myself up.

"Oh. Were you on the treadmill or the elliptical?"

"Uh… the treadmill," I said, my breathing still wacked-out. I couldn't believe he fell for my stupidity.

"That's cool. Hey, I'm hoping to get to come home next week sometime. I'm almost done with the group of contacts I had to meet with. I should be able to leave a few days early," he said.

"Oh, that's great."

"I miss you, and can't wait to see you. I'll call you tomorrow."

"Okay, I miss you, too. Bye."

Jared had been my boyfriend for the past two years. He worked as a salesman and had to do a lot of traveling. We met in a bar. He was a really great guy, but Rose hated him. And Jared hated Rose. And it pissed me off to no end that the two of them couldn't get along. But there was no compromising. It was pure hatred between them.

Jared wanted to get a lot more serious. He had begged and pleaded with me to move in with him, but I constantly refused him. I loved my home and my independence, and I was just not ready for that level of commitment.

I loved him, at least I thought I did, but I always just wished there was 'more'. And it was something that I really couldn't even define. Something I couldn't quite put my finger on. My problem was that I read too many books. I had this fairy tale vision of how love and romance was supposed to be, and it had clouded my sight. Jared was a wonderful man, and I knew I would have a really difficult time finding someone as great as he was.

I was pulled from my thoughts by growling. I looked down and my expression turned to horror when I saw Diablo chewing on the end of my purple dildo. The rawhide was beside him being completely neglected. He was snarling and trying to shake my dildo in his teeth like it was a chew toy.

"No! Shit, Diablo, that's so gross and disgusting! That's not a toy! Ugh, I think I'm gonna puke!" I whisper-yelled, and then gagged twice. I somehow managed to keep my voice down because I sure as hell didn't want Triple N or the buffet woman to hear me.

I picked up the non-chewed end of my dildo with my fingertips and stared at it for a second. Mr. Duncan D. Dildo had bite marks all over his rubber head. I said farewell and threw him in the trash. I grabbed Diablo and ran upstairs with him in my arms.

After a desperate search, I finally hunted down a spare toothbrush, and I got out the toothpaste and scrubbed his little teeth the best I could. I wanted him to swish some mouthwash around in his little mouth but figured I couldn't train him fast enough to do that.

I grabbed my robe and headed back downstairs to get a drink when I heard, "_Ungh, just like that, yes, harder, baby, yes."_

My eyes widened and my mouth dropped open. I zoomed over to the window as fast as my feet could take me. I looked towards the kitchen where Triple N had been performing earlier, but it was empty. Frowning, my eyes searched the windows, trying to locate them. That's when I saw that the living room light was on. Triple N was sitting on the couch with his back to me and his model was straddling his lap. I could not believe Triple N was already up for round two. Damn, the man had good recovery time.

I stood there for a moment contemplating that maybe, just maybe, the stories I had read about in my books describing all night sex-a-thons were true. Having sex like that was something I couldn't even begin to imagine. Yeah, my sex life was a bit lacking in areas, most areas. Okay, all areas.

My thoughts flashed back to the self-love that I had given myself earlier and considered that I could have possibly been up for round two as well if… _my damn dog hadn't chewed my dildo!_

I know I could have self-loved myself in other ways, but I liked Duncan better. I missed him already.

Later that evening, when I heard Triple N starting up round four, I closed all of the windows in the house and popped my ear buds in, blasting the music as loud as I could tolerate. I'd had enough of my new neighbor's house christening. I mean, hell, did they have to christen every freaking room in their entire house all in the same night?

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><p>I smacked the snooze on my alarm clock and snuggled back into my covers to sleep just a few more minutes. I had never been a morning person and never would be.<p>

After hitting the snooze two more times, I finally dragged my lazy ass out of bed. I let Diablo outside and hit the bathroom. Before heading back upstairs to take a shower, I started a pot of coffee.

Today was the one day out of the month that I had to drive into the office. It was a mandatory meeting with my manager to go over my case load, production, and all other kinds of worthlessness that related to my job.

After my shower, I let Diablo back in, fed him and myself breakfast, and tried to figure out what to wear. I finally decided on a shorter than normal black skirt, a white blouse with sleeves that just touched my elbows and thigh-highs. For my shoes, I went all out and wore a pair of adorable black velvet pointy-toed beauts with a nice, dainty heel on them. I straightened my hair and pulled it back in a severe pony-tail and actually put on make-up. I had to make sure I "wowed" my employer with my once-a-month visit. Since I saw everyone in the office so infrequently, I wanted to make sure I made a good, lasting impression.

I had just slipped my phone into my bag when someone knocked at the door. Diablo went ballistic. After several tries, I finally grabbed his barking, crazy ass and yelled at him to shut the hell up. But of course he never listened to me and barked even louder. As I opened the front door, I held onto him tight as he wiggled in my arms and barked like a maniac.

There stood Triple N in the flesh. Or I should say, in the _covered-up_ flesh. I had seen him in his fine flesh the previous night. I knew what the man's body looked like naked, but had never really gotten a good look at his face, other than the side view of that jaw. The one that made me wet. And was making me wet again.

He looked to be at least six foot two and was wearing a black pin-striped suit with a crisp white shirt and a gray tie. His face was so stunningly beautiful that it shocked me. His eyes were a blue-green color, his nose slightly crooked but fit his face well, his lips a dark pink and perfectly shaped. And that jaw… I was definitely going to have to change my panties before I left for work.

Diablo continued snarling and snapping. His upper lip was curled and all of his fangs were showing. He was completely out of control and ready to rip sexy Triple N to shreds so I kept a really tight hold on him.

I just stood there, completely paralyzed by the man's incredible looks. I could see his beautiful lips moving but couldn't hear a thing because of Diablo's incredibly loud little mouth.

"Could you shut your dog up?" Triple N finally yelled in a loud, angry voice.

His voice startled me so much that my grip on Diablo loosened just a hair, and that was all Diablo needed. He lunged from my arms straight for Triple N. I watched in horror as my little devil demon dog grabbed his pant leg and started viciously shaking it in his mouth, pulling and biting and snarling. Triple N stumbled backwards, trying to kick Diablo off of him, but Diablo was ruthless.

"Get him the fuck off me!" Triple N yelled as he kept backing up. He continued to kick and stumble backwards until he was almost at the edge of my bushes. I knew at any moment he was going to go tumbling off the stairs and fall straight into them.

I grabbed his arm and pulled him towards me then quickly reached down and tried to grab Diablo. But he was a fast little bugger and kept darting away from me every time my hands got close to him, yet somehow he managed to keep Triple N's pant leg securely in his mouth the whole time.

I finally snatched the little monster up and yanked hard, hearing a loud tearing sound. I cringed as I looked down and saw Diablo still snarling with about a two-inch strip of Triple N's pant leg stuck in his teeth. I snatched the material from his teeth and quickly wadded it up in my hand, hoping that Triple N wouldn't notice.

"Oh my god, I'll be right back," I mumbled as I ran into the house and locked Diablo in my office. I rushed back to the front door to see Triple N bent over, inspecting his leg and the damage to his slacks.

"Are you okay? I'm so sorry," I offered feebly.

Steely, hate-filled eyes stared back at me. I cowered at their intensity. "Do I look okay? Did you know this suit cost two grand? And that I'm also _bleeding_?"

"Oh. Would you like a Band-Aid?" I asked politely. I hoped he was okay with SpongeBob because that was all I had.

His jaw tightened and started clenching so hard that I thought it was going to start making noises like metal rubbing against metal. And the anger radiating from him was so intense and powerful that it felt like he was holding a heat lamp or aiming a blow torch my way.

"Um… well, I'm sorry?" I apologized again lamely, voicing it as a question. I honestly didn't know what the hell to say.

Triple N took in a deep breath and closed his eyes, like he was trying to calm himself.

He opened his eyes and stared hard at me, his nostrils flaring. "Do you have a phone I could use?" he asked and I could tell it was with great difficulty.

"Oh, sure…"

Quickly stepping back into the house, I dug my phone out of my bag and handed it to him.

He said nothing as he dialed a number. He rubbed the back of his neck and looked over towards his house as he waited for the person on the other end to answer.

I didn't really know what to do with myself. Stand there and listen to his conversation? Or step inside and let him steal my phone? Not going to happen. So I stayed.

Having nothing to do, I just rudely stood there and eavesdropped as he started talking. "Jess? I need you to call a locksmith for me. No… I locked myself out of the house this morning. Yeah… my cell phone is in there. Huh? No… I don't know her number because it's in my cell. What? Yeah… okay. No… just give them my address. It's 1875 Juniper Road."

He hit the end button and handed my phone back to me without saying a word.

I cleared my throat uncomfortably and started gnawing on my bottom lip as he stared at me coldly for a long moment. "So what are you going to do about _this?_" he asked, waving his hand towards his Diablo-chewed leg.

I frowned, staring at his leg. "Uh… could it be… um… sewn maybe?" I asked like I didn't have a brain in my head knowing there was no way possible to fix that huge tear in his pant leg by sewing it. But I figured it couldn't hurt to ask.

"Highly doubtful," he responded in a disdainful tone. He slipped his right hand into his breast pocket and whipped out a card. "If I were you, I'd start working on a better offer than that." He handed me his business card and started walking back towards his house. "I'll be in touch," he said over his shoulder.

I stared at his retreating figure and decided I didn't need time; I was ready to make an offer right now. "Hold up just one second, mister," I yelled out to him. He stopped dead in his tracks and turned around giving me a definite stink-eye look. It was kind of sexy. I don't think he meant for it to be sexy, but it was sexy. "I'll make you an offer right now. Give me your pant size, and I'll go out and buy you another pair that will look just like the ones you have on now.

"And you know what? I thought it was downright rude of you to not even bother to introduce yourself or say 'thank you' to me for letting you use my phone. Were you never taught the definition of the word 'manners'? I mean, I was nice enough to apologize and offer you a Band-Aid."

He walked back towards me, glaring ominously. "And what store exactly are you going to purchase these pants from?"

_Walmart? The Salvation Army? _"Um, I _do_ know a few fine clothing stores," I lied, trying to sound haughty and dignified, knowing I only sounded like I was lying my ass off.

He stepped even closer, making my breathing spike a little. "And you call _me _rude? When you let your dog almost take my leg off?"

"He did not! He couldn't take your leg off, he only weighs four pounds!"

"Weight is not a factor. I have the bite marks on my ankle to prove that."

"Well, I can't help it that my dog hates you. He's a really good judge of character, by the way."

He squinted his eyes at me and his jaw did that tightening thing again. "I refuse your offer. It's not good enough. Like I said before, I'll be in touch." And with that, he turned on his heel and marched off.

"Whatever, jackass," I mumbled under my breath.

It was just then that I realized I was still holding the card he had handed me. I stared down at it curiously. It was a black card with a criss-cross raised black design on it and in the upper left hand corner was a picture of an old timey set of scales. My stomach felt funny when I read the name on it.

**_Edward A. Cullen_**

**_Attorney at Law_**

**_206-555-3131_**

I will admit that I did gulp a little when I read the word _attorney_ and might have muttered, "Oh shit," at some point. As I slowly walked back into my house, an uncomfortable feeling came over me as I thought about what I needed to do. First off, I had to go find my checkbook because I knew for a fact that my unlucky ass would be writing a big, fat check in the very near future to Triple N… I mean, "_Edward A. Cullen," _I said out loud with my lip curled up in disgust as I re-read the name on his fancy card. That name was so pretentious and assholish that I wondered if he'd made it up.

Secondly, I needed to find out how to contact _The Dog Whisperer_. I wondered if he had an emergency hotline like those psychics on TV did because I had one hell of an emergency on my hands.

And thirdly, somehow I just knew deep down in my heart that I was going to absolutely loath and despise my new next-door neighbors.

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><p><strong>AN: What'd you think? Do you want more? What do you think Edward will do? Sue her? Or come up with a little "out of court settlement" offer? Hehehe. ;)**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: ****Thanks to my ravishing bodacious beta Twilifed113 and my magnificent pre-reader gjficfan. I wubs them a lot.**

**And thank you to each and every one of you who have reviewed this story. Your words mean the world to me! ;)**

**SM owns Twilight.**

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><p><em><strong>MY DEVIL<strong>_

_**CHAPTER 2**_

I couldn't wait to get back home to my little devil. It was hard being away from him for ten hours. I missed that little stinker like he was my own hairy child.

My day in the office had involved boring-as-hell meetings, gossiping with some of my co-workers that I only got to see once a month, and a little ass kissing. I loved working at home and adored my job and wanted to keep it that way. So I wasn't above brown nosing now and again to make sure I made a good impression on my superiors.

As I made my way down my street to the end of the cul de sac, I tried my damnedest to not look over at Triple N's house. But my efforts were futile as my traitorous eyes honed in on his house like it had just burst into a blazing inferno. I hated my blasted eyeballs.

My car slowed to about two miles per hour as I made my way past his house. Inconspicuous was obviously a word I was not familiar with. My two-timing eyeballs curiously peered into all of his windows looking for any signs of life. Thankfully, it looked like no one was home. Relief flooded my senses, and I chided myself for getting so worked up in the first place over absolutely nothing because who the hell cared whether or not Edward Asshole Cullen was home or not. Apparently, I did. But I quickly reassured myself that it was just an act of self-defense. I needed to protect myself from that pond-scum, bottom-dwelling scuzz bucket. Because I knew he was going to be causing me to depart from a hefty amount of my hard-earned money in the very near future, which displeased me greatly.

My feet made a mad dash to the kitchen where I had Diablo locked behind a gate. I loved that little stink pile, but I didn't love him enough to let him shit on my carpet while I was away at work.

I melted into a big ole pile of goo when I saw his little ugly mug. He was so excited to see me. His unconditional love constantly amazed me. He was never grumpy; he never had good days or bad days. No matter what, he was always thrilled and elated to see me like I was the center of his little universe.

"_Come here, sugar booger, sweetie peety pie, cutey pooty pants," _I cooed to him in the most disgusting baby voice I could come up with. Thank god no one could see or hear my sickening display. I was fawning over a four pound turd.

After thoroughly kissing him and loving him up, I let him out the back door to do his business. I then proceeded to clean up his mess he had made in the kitchen, and headed upstairs to get into some comfy clothes. That was when my evil plan was hatched in my equally evil brain. I don't know what made me do it. I decided I must have been coming down with some kind of fever. Hay fever, Scarlet fever, _Saturday Night Fever_… not sure which one, but definitely a fever.

My lips curled up into a wicked grin as I stepped into the kitchen and fixed Diablo's dinner. I pulled out some turkey and chicken and cut it into little bites and added it to his bowl. I never added anything to Diablo's dog food. I did feed him table scraps on occasion because I couldn't stand it when he begged and stared at me with those sad, desperate little eyes. But it was always only just a little bite or two. I was adding _a lot_ of meat to his dinner.

Opening the back door, I watched as he scurried inside to his bowl and started scarfing down his food. He was eating so fast that he was making little gurgling, choking sounds. His beady little eyes kept darting over at me fearfully. It was like he knew something was wrong and that turkey and chicken shouldn't have been in there. So he was speed eating because he was afraid that I was going to remove his feast from him before he could chow it all down.

Stealthily, I slipped out of the kitchen and into the laundry room and as quietly as I could, grabbed his leash and harness. I kept it hidden behind my back as I walked back into the kitchen and watched him continue to gorge. The timing for my plan to work had to be just right. I knew my dog very well. And I knew that being as tiny as he was, he didn't have much room in his little stomach for all of the food that he was shoveling in there. What goes in must come out, and that's exactly what I was counting on.

As soon as he slurped up the last bite in his bowl, I grabbed him up and slipped his harness on. I stepped out my front door and quickly checked to make sure Triple N still wasn't home yet. The coast looked clear so I walked to the end of my driveway and down the sidewalk until I was almost to Triple N's driveway. I sat Diablo down in the grass and waited. It took him no time at all to start hunching over. Grinning evil-like, I gently yanked on his leash until he was standing on Triple N's beautiful, white concrete driveway.

"Oops, I think I'm out of doggie poop bags," I muttered and giggled as I looked at the blue dog bone dispenser attached to his leash that was completely full of said doggie poop bags.

I don't know why I did it. It was a terrible thing to do. I'd normally never in a million years do something like that. I knew nothing about the guy, but he just irked me with how condescending and hateful and rude he was to me.

Instead of taking Diablo on a walk, I headed straight back into the house. I didn't want to get caught outside in case Triple N showed up.

I needed to run an errand so I kissed Diablo and tucked him away in his cage in the laundry room. Duncan D. Dildo needed to be replaced… like immediately, and definitely before Jared got home from his business trip. I'd have given anything to order Duncan's replacement online, but I couldn't risk Jared seeing the package come in the mail. Jared didn't live with me, but he was at my house a lot. And with the bad luck that I possessed, I just knew he'd be home right when the UPS guy showed up.

So I put my hair in a ponytail, threw on a baseball cap and grabbed my extra-large, movie-star-looking sunglasses. The rims were dark green. Whenever I wore them around Rose, she told me I looked like _The Fly_. I always made sure to tell her to kiss my white ass because I thought they were cool. Thankfully, they were so huge that they covered the majority of my face because I knew without a doubt that this trip to get Duncan's successor was going to be extremely embarrassing, but worth it in the end. Or at least that's what I tried to tell my sick, horny self.

My face felt hot before I even pulled into the parking lot. Once I finally got parked, I paused before I headed into the store of sin, pulling my hat low over my face and pushing my sunglasses up my nose. If I'd had a paper bag in the car with me, I most definitely would have cut eyes out of it and worn it inside, I was that embarrassed. Pulling in a deep breath, I said a silent prayer to God asking Him that if He was loving and merciful to please let there be no other sinful pervs out tonight shopping like me. Then I felt horrendous guilt for praying such a disgusting prayer in the first place and had to say a prayer of forgiveness for the prayer I'd just uttered.

Opening my car door, I stealthily darted across the parking lot. I glanced around to see if anyone was looking before I quickly opened the door to the disgusting store and kept my head down and my shoulders slumped, hoping that I could sneak in and not be seen by a sales person. I desperately hoped that today was one of those terrible customer service days. You know when no one pays any attention to you and there's not a person to help you in a five-mile perimeter of the building. But, no, of course, I couldn't get that lucky.

"Why, hello, is there anything you're looking for in particular?" a woman's voice asked. I internally groaned and looked up. The chick had a horn through her nose, three rings through her lips, a nose ring on top of the horn, two eyebrow rings on each side, and black spiked hair sticking straight up all over her head. And so many rings in her ears that I lost count. She scared the hell outta me.

I shook my head. "No, I'm fine," I muttered, wishing she'd disappear.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, thanks," I mumbled as I kept walking with my head down.

"Well, if there's anything I can help you with, please let me know. We have a lot of new products we just got in. We have some new anal beads and top-of-the-line nipple clamps so make sure to check out the new stuff against the far wall," she said as she waved her hand towards the right of the store.

I felt like I'd just been dropped into the bowels of hell. Nodding with my head still down, I made a beeline to the dildos. My goal was to just grab Duncan the second and get the hell out of there as fast as humanly possible. Of course as my luck would have it, there were two guys standing right in front of the dildos, each of them holding one up and giggling and making rude thrusting gestures at each other.

I tried to ignore them the best I could, but my eyes bulged out of my head when they suddenly stuck their tongues down each other's throats and started making out. One of them was still holding a large, black dildo in his hands. I was not into gay porn. Especially _live _gay porn. It suddenly dawned on me that I'd turned into some kind of magnet or receptor for channeling live porn. It made me feel a little dizzy and weirded out.

My hands lunged for the nearest dildo, which happened to be neon pink, and I rushed to the checkout full speed ahead.

"Oh, that's a great model. I have one of those. It produces the_ best_ orgasms," the freaky girl with metal protruding from all parts of her face said suggestively to me as I plunked the dildo on the counter. I watched as she waggled her eyebrows at me and the rings attached to them flicked around. I felt nauseous.

My credit card was already in my hand. I wished I'd been smart enough to think ahead and brought cash with me. I could have thrown it at her and ran like the wind.

"Would you like to sign up for our Pleasure Pleaser card? With every ten dollar purchase, you get a stamp and once you've spent $200, you get 10% off your next purchase. It's really worth it and costs nothing to sign up," she offered.

As if I gave a shit about 10% off. I'd pay 10% extra if she'd hurry the hell up.

The bell on the door dinged and two older women stepped inside who were very close to my mother's age. I felt truly mortified. I turned to the cashier and frantically shook my head. "No, no, hurry, hurry," I whispered, desperate to leave immediately.

The freaky cashier sighed dramatically. The longer I stood there, the more she resembled Pinhead from _Hellraiser_, and she scared me just as much as he did. "Fine," she said. "That'll be $114.25."

My mouth flopped open and suddenly that 10% off Pussy Pleasure card or whatever the hell it was called sounded like a good idea. My eyes narrowed in anger. It was Triple N's fault that I was spending more money. If he hadn't put on that porn show like he did, I wouldn't have lost Duncan in that tragic mauling accident that thieving bastard.

"Would you like a bag for that?" Pinhead's sister asked me.

That was when I realized that all of the metal the cashier was sporting on her face was affecting her brain wave activity. Who is going to walk out of a store carrying a giant pink dildo for the world to see?

"_Yes_," I said emphatically, making sure that my expression implied to her that she'd most definitely just asked me the stupidest question known to mankind. But then I felt stupid because there was no way she could have seen my expression since it was hidden behind my giganticus _Fly_ glasses.

She obviously didn't like the tone of my voice because she glared at me and clicked her tongue ring, stud, or whatever that thing was called against her teeth in a very annoying fashion as she handed me the bag.

I snatched it out of her hands and ran outta that store like the devil himself was on my heels.

When I got near my house, of course my blasted eyeballs checked out Triple N's house thoroughly again as I drove by it. There was no car in the driveway although I knew he could have parked it in his garage. But it was dark out and there were no lights on in the house so I assumed he probably wasn't home yet. I smiled when I saw the Diablo dump still sitting in his driveway.

I pulled into my garage and grabbed my bag and purse. Just as I stepped out of my car and got ready to close the door, I heard an angry voice, practically in my ear snarl, "Did your dog shit on my driveway?"

One of the loudest, shrieking screams of terror that I've ever made ripped from my lips. I was shocked that I could reach that many decibels. If my house had been near a cemetery, I guarantee you that bones would've been arising because that scream was most certainly loud enough to wake the dead. And I dropped everything that I was holding in my hands to grab at my chest in complete horrifying terror.

I whirled around to face him and leaned against the car, inhaling sharply, trying to get my stampeding heart under control. The ass had just scared five years off of my life. Was taking my money not enough for him? He needed to steal my last precious years away from me too?

"Are you okay?" Edward Asshole Cullen, aka Triple N, asked while trying to muffle a laugh.

"Do I look okay to you?" I asked breathlessly. "You scared the ever living shit outta me." I paused for a minute to pant some more. "You just shaved five years off of my life. Golden years, too. Not shitty years stuck in a retirement home. But five fabulous years doing something great like… lazing on a yacht out on the water, you dumbass."

Triple N must have found my revelation of his ability to shorten my life span to be hilarious because he busted out laughing.

As I stood there out of breath staring at him laughing his ass off, I mused over how much I hated how good he looked in his dark blue suit. He'd obviously changed out of the black pin stripe that Diablo had gnarled. And I despised how handsome he looked with his head flung back laughing. I especially hated how much I liked hearing the sound of his laughter. He was one fine-looking specimen of an ass.

I leaned back against the car and fanned myself as I tried to catch my breath when he started talking. "I'm sorry that I'm the one to blame for you missing-" He stopped mid-sentence and bent down. "Well, what do we have here?" he asked as he picked up… Duncan the second. He had slipped out of his bag, and I had totally forgotten about him due to my near-death experience.

"Don't!" I screamed as I lunged for Duncan.

"So, is that why you're in disguise?" he asked as he eyed me, his lips twitching like he was about to break out into laughter again at any second. I reached my hands up and quietly groaned when I realized that I still had on those stupid assclown sunglasses.

"_No,_" I said as I ripped off the sunglasses and yanked the baseball cap off. I pulled my hair out of the ponytail and ran my fingers through it, trying to make myself look more presentable. I threw everything quickly in my car.

Triple N snorted. "You are a very intriguing neighbor. You have a shitting _chupacabra_ for a pet and a penchant for dildos," he mused, keeping Duncan high enough that he was out of my reach.

"Give me Duncan!" I shouted like a two-year old and jumped in the air, trying to grab him, but I didn't have a chance since Triple N was so much taller than me.

"Duncan?" he asked, his brow furrowed in confusion.

"I mean… just give it to me!"

"I don't think so," he said with a smirk. I continued jumping and trying to pull his arm down to grab Duncan, but my efforts were futile.

"Quit being an ass and give it back!"

"Calm down," he said, pushing me away from him. "I want to talk to you for a minute." The jerk sat Duncan on the top of my SUV where I couldn't reach him. "Why do you need a dildo? Are you single?"

I felt like flames were igniting under the skin of my cheeks. "No. I have a boyfriend, a great boyfriend. It's none of your business anyway."

He leaned his elbow against my car, his green eyes twinkling with mischief. "Well, your boyfriend must not be doing his job in the bedroom if you have to go buy something like that." He leaned even closer, his nose practically touching mine. "I guarantee you, if I was the man in your bedroom, you'd be _extremely_ satisfied."

A gasp escaped my lips. I couldn't believe the nerve of this guy even though I knew what he was saying was truth based on the way buffet girl screamed last night. "My boyfriend does just fine, thank you very much."

"Sure he does." He gave me a look that told me he saw right through me. "Look. I came over here for a couple of reasons. First off, I wanted to talk to you about your dog shitting on my driveway. Don't let that happen again."

Like he could stop me… next time it would be on his front porch.

"Secondly, I wanted to talk about settling up on our little run-in we had this morning. I was coming over to tell you that I would happily settle for $2,500 if-"

My mouth dropped open. "You've lost your damn mind if you think for one second-"

"I'm not finished," Triple N said interrupting me in a very condescending voice. "I was going to say that I came over here to tell you that I'd settle for $2,500, which is very fair considering the cost of my suit and the pain and suffering I endured today caused by your dog, but…" He eyed me from head to toe with a very naughty look in his eye. "I've changed my mind. I think we can settle this whole thing without you writing a check."

My eyes narrowed. "What are you talking about?"

He paused for a minute, his lips pursed like he was thinking about something before a sexy crooked grin broke out on his pouty lips. He leaned close, invading my personal space. "Let me give you an orgasm, and we'll call it even."

"You're… sick!" I shrieked as my knee landed directly on his nut sack.

Triple N immediately hit the concrete floor of my garage, his handsome face scrunched up in pain, groaning and holding his balls. A throaty, agonizing, "_Fuck,_" tumbled from his lips.

"Oh, shit! Are you all right?" I asked as I dropped to the floor beside him. I didn't know what to do. It's not like I could rub his nuts for him to make them feel better. Or offer him a SpongeBob Band-Aid for his poor aching balls.

"I'm so sorry. I just reacted." I stayed on my knees beside him, wringing my hands together. I ignored his moans and groans and whimpers and just nervously kept talking. "I mean, how else did you expect me to react to what you said? You don't even know my name, but you want to give me an orgasm? Who does that? That's insane! Especially after I just told you I had a boyfriend. Besides, what would your girlfriend think?"

As I stared down at Triple N writhing in agony, the guilt over what I'd done to him started to get to me. "Do you think you can stand up?" I asked in a soft voice.

A mumbling, growling sound came out of his mouth. I couldn't make out any words, but I took that as a yes and reached for his arm to help him up. He held onto his nuts, bent over, limping and leaning on me as we made our way to the door. I helped him through my kitchen and into the living room and helped him ease down onto the couch. "I'll be right back," I gushed before I ran back into the kitchen. I grabbed a bag of frozen peas from the freezer and rushed back into the living room.

"Here. Maybe this will help with the pain," I said as I handed him the peas.

He leaned back against the couch, a grimace of pain on his face and undid his suit jacket and unbuckled his belt. My eyes widened and my breath got caught in my throat as I thought for a second that I was about to see another live porn show.

No, more like a live medical drama.

He unzipped his pants and shoved the peas in and groaned a little as he adjusted them against his aching balls.

"I don't have a girlfriend," he mumbled in a low voice.

"What?" I asked as I sat down next to him, unsure if I had heard him correctly.

He spoke a little louder. "I said I don't have a girlfriend."

"But who was that woman who looked like a model-" I cut myself off and slapped my hand over my mouth. I wanted to cut out my tongue. I couldn't believe I let that slip. I could only hope that maybe he just thought I saw her leaving his house.

He groaned again and adjusted the peas. "Damn. I can't believe you kneed me in the balls like that. What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I'm sorry. I'm _really_ sorry, but I couldn't help it. You just can't say shit like that to someone and not expect a violent reaction."

He loosened his tie and undid the top two buttons of his dress shirt. "Jesus, where did you learn that from?" He ran his hand through his hair, making it stand up in all directions.

"I'm the daughter of a cop. He made me take self-defense classes."

"You obviously graduated at the top of your class," he mumbled as he massaged his balls, grimacing in pain.

I couldn't help it, but a giggle slipped out. Sometimes I had a problem with laughing at inappropriate moments.

"What the hell is funny about my nuts throbbing?" he shouted. And it made me laugh harder for some strange reason. I laughed until I had tears streaming down my face.

I wiped my eyes and knew I needed to apologize for laughing at his pain. "I'm sorry. I know it's not funny," I said right before another round of giggles hit me.

He scowled at me and gave me a hostile glare.

I bit my lip hard almost causing it to bleed and tried to keep my ridiculous laughter in.

"That was Leah, my realtor," he said in a low voice.

"Huh?"

He winced as he shifted on the couch, trying to get into a more comfortable position. "The woman? Last night? That was my realtor. I was thanking her for getting me a good deal on the house. And don't think I didn't notice that you were watching. Liked what you saw, huh?" he asked as he quirked an eyebrow at me.

I could not _believe_ he had seen me watching him. I thought for sure that I was being sneaky and covert in my viewing of the porn. My cheeks flamed as I covered my face with my hands. The heat from my skin was scorching. I wanted to deny that I'd seen him, but what was the use? It was obvious he'd caught me. My hands stayed put as I began talking through my fingers. "You're disgusting. Who '_does'_ their realtor as a thank you present?"

He groaned in pain before responding. "Well, you're a pervert for watching me _'do'_ my realtor."

The bastard was right. I was definitely a sick, disgusting pervert who was going to go to hell and burn in the flames.

This conversation had gotten really out of control. I needed to change the subject fast. "Do you want something to drink or maybe some Tylenol?"

"Got any Vodka?" he asked as he frowned and rubbed the peas against himself.

"No. Sorry. No hard liquor. I've got lite beer and wine coolers."

He threw me a look of distaste. "Lite beer? You've got to be kidding me. Fine, I'll take whatever."

"Okay. I'll be right back." I practically ran to the kitchen. I flung open my freezer and picked up some ice cubes and rubbed them on my fiery cheeks, trying to cool off the flames. I opened a lite beer for myself and drank half of it, trying to get myself to calm down.

I got his beer and Tylenol together and walked back into the living room. He popped the pills in his mouth and took a swig of the beer. His face curled up in disgust. "Ugh, that's nasty. How can you drink that?"

"It's not _that_ bad. You get used to it after a while."

He shook his head as he stared at the beer in his hand. "I could go a lifetime and never get used to this."

I rolled my eyes at him as I sat down on the couch.

"So where's your boyfriend?" he asked.

I tucked my hair behind my ears. "He's on a business trip."

"Does he live with you?"

"No."

"Interesting," he said before he took another drink of his beer, watching my expression.

My eyes narrowed. "What's that supposed to mean?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "Nothing… just an observation; you're not into the guy."

"Don't act like you know me because you don't."

"True," he said, nodding with a small smile on his face. "How long have you been with him?"

I really didn't want to answer his questions, but for some reason, I kept doing it. "Two years."

"Hmm..." The jackass just sat there, nodding and smirking at me.

"Don't make assumptions about me, and don't act like you know me because you don't. I just met you this morning," I snapped angrily.

His lips twitched like he was holding back a smile. "You are correct. I'll just get to know you a little better and _then_ make my assumptions, how's that?" he asked cockily.

"Whatever," I said, rolling my eyes. I didn't give a shit what kind of assumptions he was going to make, because whatever they were, they were going to be dead wrong.

"You obviously know from our discussion this morning that I'm an attorney, but what do you do for a living, _Isabella Swan?_" he asked before a huge smile crossed his face.

"How do you know my name?" I demanded.

He shrugged a satisfied half-grin on his face. "I have my ways. Now answer my question."

I took in a deep breath, totally annoyed by his evasiveness. "Fine, I'm an underwriter for an insurance company, and I work at home."

"Sounds like a lonely job."

"Not at all, I love my job. Besides, I don't have to deal with all of the typical office politics. If someone pisses me off, I just ignore my emails and don't answer my phone until I'm ready to deal with them. It definitely has its advantages."

He nodded. "Hmm... I can see the allure."

He took another drink of his beer and shivered, his face scrunching up. "God, that's nasty. So how long have you lived here?"

"About two and a half years."

"I had an apartment downtown I was leasing, but Leah convinced me that it was the perfect time to get into the housing market so I took her advice and decided to buy."

"It's a good neighborhood."

He leaned his head back against the couch and turned his head towards where I was sitting. The way he stared at me made me feel uncomfortable so I averted my eyes and stared down at my hands in my lap. He cleared his throat. "Well, I like the neighbors I've met so far."

"That's good. How many have you met?"

"Just one."

I looked up and he had a small smile on his lips. Everything about the man confused me. How could he say things like that to me when he knew I had a boyfriend? I looked back down at my hands that I had started nervously fidgeting.

"So why won't you let me give you an orgasm?" he asked. "I bet you'd like it, but I guess you know that already, since you seemed to enjoy the show last night. I could definitely give you more than one, if you'd like. As many as you want even."

"You know what? My boyfriend would jack your jaw if he knew what you were offering me."

"But he's not going to find out about my offer, is he?" he said with a cocky little grin on his lips. "We can keep it a secret. Oh and just go ahead and dump the boyfriend now. Like I said earlier, you're obviously not into the guy."

He sure had some nerve and some big balls, which hopefully had bruises on them right now. "Dump my boyfriend for an orgasm? I don't think so. My dildo can take care of that for me."

"But your boyfriend can't give you one, can he? I bet you've never even had an orgasm by a man before. You can probably only get off with a dildo. I could make you scream until you lose your voice and almost black out."

My disgusting, horny body found his words to be a complete turn-on. I could feel myself getting wet, but I could never let him know that. My eyes snapped angrily to his, and I leaned towards him and spoke to him in a low voice. "Let's get this straight. I. Will. Never. Let. You. Do. That. To. Me. Ever. Got it?"

He smiled brightly at me, which pissed me off even more. "Oh, you will," he said confidently, in a lightly husky voice. "You'll be begging me to get you off, I promise you."

"I think it's time for you to leave."

He stared at me for a moment, searching my face. Nodding, he grinned as he stuck his hand in his pants and pulled out the bag of peas and handed them to me. He slowly stood up with a moan and zipped and buckled his pants.

"Well, it was a pleasure to get to know you better, Isabella Swan. I will be in touch to continue our negotiations," he said, his lips twitching slightly.

I was done with his perverse negotiations and ready to empty my checking, savings, and possibly even add a second mortgage to my house if necessary. "Oh, no," I replied quickly. "I'll settle for $2,500 right now. Let me grab my checkbook."

"Uh uh," he tutted, shaking his head. "I've decided that I definitely don't want to settle this case monetarily. Bye, Isabella," he said with a smirk before he turned and made his way back into my kitchen and out my garage door, not even giving me a chance to respond.

I slumped into a chair at the kitchen table and waited for a few minutes to make sure that he had exited the garage before I went out there. I needed to get my stuff out of my car and close the garage door. When I got to my car, I discovered that he had grabbed Duncan off the roof of my SUV and put him on the seat next to my purse.

Once I got back into the house, I let Diablo outside and finished off my beer. Triple N had given me a lot to think about. I was outraged, disgusted, and thoroughly hot and bothered by his offer to give me an orgasm. I mean, what kind of guy offers that to a stranger? A slutty man whore, that's who.

What bothered me even more than his outrageous proposition was his words about Jared. Even though he knew nothing about me, his words hurt. I knew I was settling. I loved Jared, but I wasn't _in_ love with him. I knew that our relationship was never going to go any further than it was now. I had made sure of that. Jared was a wonderful, kind, sensitive man who thought he was in love with me. But I had a feeling he was settling for me just like I was settling for him.

I got up and let Diablo in and plopped on the couch, letting him curl up in my lap. While I was deep in thought and rubbing his ears, my phone rang. I knew it was Jared from the ring tone. Pulling it out of my pocket, I gently sat it on the coffee table and stared at it. I didn't answer it; I simply let it go to voice mail.

I sat there for about another hour or so just thinking before I finally got up and slowly made my way upstairs to get ready for bed. After I took a shower, I put on my PJ's and went back downstairs to let Diablo out one last time. Curiosity got the best of me so I went into the living room and peeked out the window at Triple N's house.

_"Holy shit,"_ I mumbled in astonishment. Triple N was in his kitchen walking around buck ass naked. It was even more bizarre to see him naked now that I had talked to him and had gotten to know him a little better. My eyes were glued to his finely-toned ass when suddenly he turned towards the window, walking towards it. I froze in panic. "Goodnight, Isabella. Enjoying the view?" he hollered out in a loud voice before laughing heartily.

How the hell did that bastard know I was watching him? And when was my Nasty, Naughty, Neighbor going to put up some damn curtains in his house?

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><p><strong>AN: Hehe. Now you know who Triple N's co-star was in the live porn show. What'd you think of his settlement offer to Bella? Think she should accept? ;) Did you like Bella's knee to his balls?**

**Don't forget to review! I absolutely love hearing from you. ;))**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I'm back! Yipee! Hope this makes you giggle. I know I sure did.**

**I can't even describe how much I have loved reading your reviews, you pervs! I giggled over the fact that so many people wanted Bella to take him up on his offer! You nasty women! LMAO!**

**Thanks so much to my seriously awesome beta Twilifed113. I absolutely adore that chick! And to my pre-reader gjficfan. She is ze bomb!**

**SM owns Twilight.**

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><p><em><strong>MY DEVIL<strong>_

_**CHAPTER 3**_

On Friday, I woke up with a smile on my face and an extra kick in my step, thrilled that it was the beginning of the weekend. I had plans to start the weekend out right. Tonight was my monthly poker night with my wacky girlfriends. It was my turn to host so Rose, Alice, Lauren, and Victoria were going to be coming over. I planned on getting completely wasted and kicking their sorry asses at penny poker. We were all actually fairly decent poker players, but we usually spent the evening gossiping, laughing like fools, and drinking until we were hammered. So I was really looking forward to letting loose and having some fun.

It had been two days since I'd seen Triple N. I had been trying really hard not to peek out the window anymore since he was obviously onto my perverted, voyeuristic ways. But the temptation was too great, and I had given in more times than I wanted to admit. Thankfully, each time I looked out, he didn't seem to be around.

I heaved a frustrated sigh as I admitted to myself that being thankful he wasn't around was indeed a boldfaced lie. Truth be told, I was seriously hoping to get a gander at his bitable behemoth bratwurst again. And I truly hated myself that I wanted to see it that much.

Ever since he'd moved in, I'd turned into some kind of pervy peeping tom addict. I'd never had an inclination to spy on my neighbors before. But then I'd never had a neighbor that looked like Triple N before either. I was probably what a lot of people would consider to be a good girl. I'd only slept with two guys in my whole life, and I made sure that I had feelings for both of them before I did have sex. Casual sex was a term I couldn't even associate with. If I was going to share my body with someone, I had to have an emotional attachment. I'd seen first-hand through my friends and family the ramifications of what having random sex could do. And I knew early on that there was no way I was ever going to be the kind of person that could just sleep around.

The sex that I'd had so far in my life was… okay, I guess. Pleasurable and meaningful, but not outstanding in any way. I never had one of those "toe-curling, fireworks going off moments" that I'd read about. Occasionally, I did think that there must be something wrong with me because sometimes I'd rather just spend a little quality time with Duncan. He always managed to satisfy me if the guy I was with couldn't. I figured that my expectations must have been set too high. But I knew there had to be millions of other people out there that had sex that was satisfactory, not mind-blowing. And I'm sure they lived relatively happy lives in spite of it.

My morning flew by pretty quickly as work was hectic. I was on the phone with an agent who was cussing me out because I'd declined a client of his who'd had triple bypass surgery when my cell started vibrating noisily on my desk. His curses faded into the background as I looked down at the caller id.

It was Jasper. My baby brother. Actually, we were only two years apart, but I liked being able to maintain a certain level of seniority over him. My brother looked nothing like me with his attractive blond curly hair and blue eyes. I couldn't remember a time that I didn't tease and taunt him about the fact that there was no way he was a Swan. I had said it so many times over the years that I'd pretty much convinced myself that it was the truth and that my dad had not fathered him. Both of my parents had dark hair and brown eyes; the complete and total polar opposite of Jazz. Even his facial structure didn't resemble me or my dad, Charlie. I _looked_ like a Swan, and he didn't.

Our mother, Renee, had heard my teasing over the years and always insisted that Jazz was one hundred percent my dad's son. But since she was a little on the nutty side and our parents split up when we were in middle school, I still had my doubts. After they divorced, she moved to Florida, and Jazz and I stayed with my dad in Forks, Washington. I usually got an obligatory Christmas card from her each year and that was about it.

Jazz never took my accusations seriously and ended up losing his opportunity to confirm his heritage. We found out dad had cancer when we were both in college. I was at Arizona State and Jazz was at Texas A and M. We both transferred to U-dub so we could be closer to Charlie who still lived in Forks where we grew up. Jazz and I took turns driving back and forth to take care of him during his illness. He ended up losing his battle against the disease right before I graduated. I got a job in Seattle because I wanted to stay close to Jazz while he stayed at U-dub to finish his schooling. Losing our dad brought us even closer together.

After I hung up with the asshole agent, I listened to the voice mail message Jazz had left. "_Hi, B, it's me. Have I told you lately that you are my most favorite big sister in the whole wide world?" _I rolled my eyes because I knew he was buttering me up for something big. "_I hate to do this to you last minute, but… is there any way that you could watch the kids for me tonight? Please? I just got called into work for second shift, and Tanya… well, she has plans tonight that she can't cancel. I'll owe you one. Big time. Call me back."_

I could feel anger start to penetrate my nerve endings. I just _knew _that Tanya had some kind of lame ass excuse for why she couldn't stay home on a Friday night to take care of her kids. To say that I didn't get along with my sister-in-law would be the understatement of the damn century. I hated that bitch with a fiery passion.

When my brother was in his last year of college, he went to a frat party one night and got drunk and, unfortunately, stuck his dick in Tanya. He knocked her up with my nephew. That was another firm reason why I was so against casual sex. My brother - being the kindest, sweetest, most tender-hearted guy you could ever meet - took it upon himself to be there for her every step of the way. Tanya's father was a Southern Baptist minister from a small hick town in Georgia and basically insisted that Jazz fix the horribly sinful situation he had created and do the right thing by marrying his daughter.

I tried everything I could possibly do to stop it. I begged, pleaded, threatened, blackmailed, and even considered kidnapping him to keep him from doing it, but nothing worked. When I insisted that he get a DNA test and he refused stating that he trusted Tanya and that she would never lie to him, I knew we were in trouble. So I did some undercover investigating at U-dub and found three guys that she had slept with during the same time period she got pregnant. I threw a surprise and unwanted intervention of sorts and made Jazz listen to their stories. After hearing it from the horse's mouths, he finally gave in and confronted Tanya about it. She didn't even try to deny her whorish ways and agreed to the test after the baby was born. To my absolute horror, it came back 99.999999% positive that the baby was his. So my good as gold brother married her.

I yanked up my cell phone and pressed redial.

"Hey, B," Jazz answered cheerfully.

"Where the hell is Tanya going tonight?" I barked. It wasn't that I didn't want to keep my niece and nephew. Oh... did I forget to mention that they added _another_ child to this nightmare? My nephew, Jackson, whom I call Jack because it pisses Tanya off, is 22 months old, and his baby sister, Raine, just turned nine months. The mixture of Jazz's and Tanya's genes managed to produce the most incredibly beautiful offspring that I have ever seen. I loved those children more than anything in the world. I was just pissed because Jazz was fucking up my poker night, and I knew Tanya was probably getting her stinky beaver waxed or going to go run up Jazz's credit card by going out and buying some Jimmy Choo Hoos or something equally ridiculous.

"She's got something going on tonight that she's had planned for a while," he answered, trying to cleverly avoid answering my question. No way was I letting that fly.

"Spit it out. What's so important?" I demanded.

"She… well, she's got a… _girl's night_ thing tonight."

"And what exactly does this '_girl's night'_ thing consist of? Because if they are not out feeding the homeless, or helping some nuns, then she can have her ass home."

I knew I was being a total bitch, but there was just something about Tanya that really got my goat and turned me into a nasty she-devil.

"Bella, it's some kind of a… spa thing. But before you blow your stack, she had to make a reservation, and if she cancels, she'll get hit with a cancellation fee."

"Damn it, Jazz! You know this kind of shit pisses me off."

"I don't want to hear it, B. She's my wife whether you like it or not. Now can you watch the kids or not?"

I knew he was right. It was not my place to talk about her like I did, but she just made me so mad I wanted to spit nails. Straight at her. I wanted them to land directly between her fake eye-lash covered eyeballs.

"_Yes…_ I'll watch them. But you owe me big time. I'm going to have to cancel my poker night tonight because of you, and I'll have you know that I worked my ass off cleaning my house and cooked a bunch of food for the girls tonight."

"I'm sorry, B. You know I love you. I _promise_ to make it up to you. I'll drop them off around three, okay?"

"All right, _half-breed_."

He snickered. "Bye."

"Bye."

I looked up at the clock. It was twelve-thirty. If I skipped lunch and worked my ass off, I _might_ be able to wrap up my work day by three. I punched my speed dial to give Rose the bad news.

She didn't even address me; she just started plowing right in. "God, I'm so going to drink myself into a stupor tonight. This day has been the day from hell. I've been working on this account for three hours straight. I've got an error somewhere in these damn figures, and I can't for the life of me find it. I'm about to go insane and-"

"Rose, stop. Jazz called. He's gotta work second shift so I have to babysit."

"You have got to be fucking kidding me! What's that bitch doing now?"

Rose was an ardent cheerleader in support of the "I Hate Tanya Club". I was the founder and president; she happened to be vice president. "A girl's night _spa _thing. She could _so_ cancel that. She told Jazz that she'd have to pay a big fee if she cancelled."

"Bullshit!" Rose shouted. "I can't believe that bitch has ruined our poker night!"

"I know. And I cooked a bunch of fabulous snacks, too. You could still come over if you want. We could eat and talk and-"

"And listen to two kids screaming all night? I don't think so. Your niece and nephew look like little cherubs, but they're still loud, smelly, annoying creatures. You know I can't handle children."

"Fine, you big wuss. At least I offered. Hey, can you call or text the other gals for me to let them know tonight is off? I've got to bust ass if I'm going to get my work done before he drops the kids off."

"Yeah, I'll do it as soon as I find this error. My boss is breathing down my neck over it."

"Okay, thanks. But don't forget."

"I won't."

I tossed my phone down and kicked it into overdrive to get my work done. I was just adding notes to the last file I had to finish when I heard a knock at the door. I grabbed a scrunchy off of my desk and threw my hair up into a quick bun. I'd been almost snatched bald-headed before by both Jack and Raine's little grubby hands so I'd learned my lesson the hard way to always keep my hair out of reach.

Diablo went nuts like his normal, crazed self. I grabbed his out of control tiny ass and opened the door, keeping the chain on the door securely attached. I usually always had Diablo put up before they came over, but since I was running short on time today, I hadn't had the chance. I never let the kids around him in the first place because of his cantankerous attitude, and I was especially not going to let that happen after the incident with Triple N.

I stuck my lips up to the door. "Hang on. I gotta go put the little monster up," I yelled over Diablo's barking.

Looking down, I saw Jack's little angelic face looking up at me. "Doggie?" he said in his sweet little voice.

"Hi, baby," I said as I waved to him and Raine who was in Jazz's arms. "I'll be right back."

Upon reaching the laundry room, I gave Diablo a quick kiss and handed him a chewy. I then grabbed the baby gate that was leaning up against the wall to block Jack from the stairs before securely locking the laundry room door. I kept Diablo's crate in there that had a soft, comfy bed and blanket in it. I also kept his food and water dish in there as well so I knew he'd be fine. My laundry room wasn't huge by any means, but the guy was only four pounds so how much room could he need? He'd probably be happy with a shoe box.

I put the gate in front of the stairs before opening the door. "Come in, come in," I said, super excited to get to be an aunt for the evening; my anger over Tanya messing up my plans long forgotten. I immediately grabbed Jack in a tight hug and kissed him all over his chubby cheeks and neck.

_"No,"_ he said as he squirmed, trying to get out of my clutches. He was going through that "No" stage that most kids go through. Ask him any question in the universe and the answer was consistently, "No."

I finally begrudgingly let him go, and he took off running. He made a bee-line straight to my coat closet. I had cleaned out the bottom of it and put a bunch of toys in there for him to play with. "Truh…" he grunted as he tried to open the door. He wanted his trucks. I opened the door for him, and he started rummaging, throwing toys everywhere.

Once I knew Jackson was going be a part of my life, I made it a point to be sure that I was a good aunt. I baby-proofed the house and even put a crib in the upstairs spare bedroom. I had a tendency to spoil my niece and nephew rotten. It was important to me that I developed a great relationship with them early on even though I had absolutely no relationship with their mother. I knew at some point as the kids got older, I'd have to somehow tolerate her for their sake's. But until they got to the age where they could understand it, I held onto my hatred.

"_Raine_…" I cooed to the fair-haired beauty in Jazz's arms. She was chewing on her plump fingers and saliva was dripping off her chin. Her bright sky-blue eyes twinkled as she started making ga-ga goo-goo sounds. I grabbed her from Jazz's arms and kissed her petal-soft cheeks. She was so cute I wanted to eat her or gnaw on her like she was one of those giant turkey legs you get at the State Fair.

"Everything's in the diaper bag. Raine's got her bottles and baby food in there. Jackson has a diaper rash so make sure every time you change him, you put some of that cream on him. Raine's cutting a tooth so she might be a little more fussy than normal. There's some Ora-Jel in there that you can put on it."

Jazz was the best father in the world. I was constantly amazed at his love and devotion for his children. I think, deep down, he didn't want to make the same mistakes our parents made. I was so proud of him that I wanted to present him with an award like "People's Choice Award for Best Father of the Year" voted by me, his number one fan of course.

"Got it," I said. "You're an amazing guy, you know that? A really amazing… father." It was hard on me to give him compliments. As his older sister, I always felt it was my duty to tease him and give him a hard time.

A slow grin spread on his face. "Ah, not really. I just love them."

With that, he turned and chased Jack down, giving him some squirmy affection.

"Bye, sunshine," he murmured softly before kissing Raine's cheek softly. He looked at me. "Do you want me to pick them up tonight? I don't get off until midnight but…"

"Nah. Just pick them up in the morning. I can keep them overnight."

"Great. I love you, sis. I'll see ya tomorrow."

"I love you too."

I set Raine down on the carpet and went over to the closet to pull out a couple of teething toys for her that I kept in a container. Once she was happily chewing and slobbering on them, I sat down beside her and watched Jack. He'd already taken his shoes and socks off and was running around my living room like a maniac, pushing the truck and making "vroom, vroom" noises. His golden curls on his head were bouncing around and his cheeks were flushed a rosy pink.

A loud grunt from Raine interrupted my ogling of my adorable nephew. I lay down on my stomach and looked into her little face. Her crystal blue eyes were framed with long, golden-colored lashes. What little bit of hair she had was almost a white-blonde color and stuck straight up on her head like it had static electricity. A breathtaking grin split her sweet little face, showing off her two tiny bottom lower teeth. She didn't have any teeth on her upper gums, which was so adorable. I loved those cute little gummy smiles. She stared down at her toy in her lap and let out a loud, wet raspberry, managing to spray some of it on my face.

I played with the two of them for a couple of hours and then got them fed. As I was cleaning up the kitchen, Jack started running around my center island. "Jack, slow down or you're going to fall down and get hurt." I had barely gotten the words out of my mouth when he fell and started screaming at the top of his lungs. I rushed over to him and scooped him up in my arms.

"Baby, where does it hurt?" My heart clenched as I watched big, fat crocodile tears roll down his adorable face. But I knew exactly how to stop those tears. "Does Jack need a Band-Aid for his boo-boo?"

His screaming immediately stopped and his eyes got big. "Bob-bob?" he asked as I wiped the tears from his little face. "That's right," I said, smiling. "I've got Bob-bob Band-Aids that will make your boo-boo feel _all _better." Jack was my sole reason for my love of SpongeBob. If it weren't for him, I'd have probably never even knew who he was.

I carried him over to the cabinet by the sink where I kept my medicines and Band-Aids. I smiled as I reached for the box. There were four other boxes in there. I had to keep a large supply with Jack around. Pulling out the box, I handed it to him, and he busily tried opening it. Jack had a little bit of a Band-Aid obsession.

I grabbed Raine out of her high chair and carried them both back into the living room. Sitting down on the couch, I kept Raine in my lap as Jack pulled out about ten Band-Aids and handed them to me. "Bob-bob?" he said.

"That's right. These are your favorite SpongeBob Band-Aids. Now where's your boo-boo at?" I asked as I opened one up. I smiled as he pointed to his arm. Of course he didn't even remotely hit his arm when he fell down. Jack liked to have his Band-Aids all over him.

"Oh, right there?" I asked as I pointed to his arm. "This will make that boo-boo feel _all_ better, I promise," I reassured him as I put one on his arm. "Do you want me to kiss your boo-boo?"

"Kih?" he asked as he pointed to the Band-Aid. I grinned as I kissed his little arm. Finally, after putting three more Band-Aids on him, I told him we were all done. He wasn't too happy about that.

"Boo-boo?" he asked as he put a still-in-its-wrapper Band-Aid on my arm, his little face all scrunched up in confusion when it fell off my arm and onto the floor.

"Are you asking me if I have any boo-boo's? You want to put some Band-Aids on me?" He stood on the couch, hanging onto my shoulder as I opened one for him, taking the backing off.

I handed it to him and asked, "Where do you want to put it?" He leaned in and stuck it to my cheek. I ended up giving him four more Band-Aids before I told him we had to stop. I had SpongeBob plastered all over my face. One on my forehead, one on the bridge of my nose, two on my chin, and one on my cheek.

"All done, Jack," I told him as I took the box away. He seemed content and jumped off the couch to run over to the toy closet. I glanced down at Raine who was still in my lap; her face was bright red and all squinted up. Before I could react, I heard a loud squirting noise.

"Oh. My. God!" I screeched as I picked her up under her armpits, holding her as far away from me as I could, running faster than Flo Jo to the half-bath. Quickly glancing around, I realized there wasn't a single, solitary thing in there to help me. Nothing but a small hand towel that I definitely didn't want to get shit on. The only option I had was to try to shove her in the sink to rinse her off, which she wouldn't fit of course, or I could dunk her in the toilet. Since I knew both of those options were out, I ran back to the living room and grabbed her diaper bag off of the floor and booked it to the kitchen. I sat her down on the tiled kitchen floor, and she immediately started to crawl away.

"Uh uh," I told her as I grabbed her ankle, and that's when I saw it. The dark, brown stain covering her little shorts and running down her leg. I looked down at my jeans and a whiff of the wretched stench hit me like a freight train. I gagged so hard, I kinda hurt myself. And the gags kept coming. I had no control. Once they got started, I couldn't stop them.

Tears streamed down my face from my intense gag reflex as I shouted out in agony, "I'm gonna die," to no one but myself. I wanted to kill my beautiful niece.

Keeping a tight hold on her ankle, I used my other hand to frantically search through her diaper bag to try to find the plastic changing mat that I knew was in there. I finally found it and flipped it out onto the floor. I grabbed her and laid her down. She kept trying to roll over and when she realized I wasn't going to let her, she started screaming bloody murder.

"You can cry all you want, but I'm getting this-" I said before I got smacked with another painful gag, followed by two more. "Shitty shit off of you," I whispered. I felt guilty for cussing in front of her, but then I felt stupid for feeling guilty because of course she couldn't understand me and Jack was still in the living room.

I had to forcefully hold her down with one hand while I stripped her. She screamed the entire time. There are no words to describe the state of that diaper. It looked like she'd been fed some kind of jalapeno, black bean concoction. I wanted to strip myself down to my birthday suit, pour kerosene over her clothes and mine and torch it. And the thigh that she'd leaked on? I wanted to bleach that sucker and then attack it with a Brillo pad.

I used about thirty baby wipes to clean her up and was finally able to get a diaper on her. I was no longer breathing through my nose because of the stench. I was panting through my mouth concerned that I might somehow 'taste' the smell all the while having severe gagging fits every few minutes. I decided I absolutely _had_ to get those nasty, shitty jeans off of me before I died. Or at least before I tried to dig an outfit out of the diaper bag for her because I knew with my luck, I'd get shit all over her new outfit and all over her if I didn't. So I let her crawl away in just her diaper while I gagged and slipped my jeans off. I grabbed the Antibacterial Hand Sanitizer off of the sink and squirted half the bottle on my thigh and went through about another twenty baby wipes, but at least I was clean.

About that time, I heard someone knock on the door. I looked down at my watch to see it was six o'clock. I just _knew_ that Rose had screwed me over and hadn't got a hold of everyone to cancel tonight because they were supposed to be at my house at six.

I grabbed Raine and tucked her on my hip as I made my way to the front door. I threw the door open expecting to see Alice or Victoria but instead, to my utter dismay, saw Triple N standing there. I'd been so busy with the kids and the drama I'd just been through that I hadn't even considered it might be him at the door.

He looked so different that I almost didn't recognize him. Gone was his fancy tailored suit and dress shoes and in its place was a pair of jeans and a white V-neck T-shirt with an expensive-looking pair of tennis shoes. I could see his sexy chest hair peeking out of his shirt. He was completely sinful.

His mouth gaped open and his jade eyes were scoping me out from top to bottom. It seemed like he couldn't decide where to look. I glanced down and gasped. I had totally forgotten about my shitty jeans that were now on the floor of my kitchen. I wanted death to greet me right then and there. "What the… what happened to your face?" he asked, taking a step towards me.

My brows furrowed as my hand trailed up to find the SpongeBob Band-Aids plastered all over it. I'd totally forgotten about them when Raine had her blow-out. And my face was still soaked with tears from all of the gagging I'd just endured.

"I…" I didn't even know where to begin to explain why or how I ended up looking like such a fright so I just shook my head.

"Have you been crying? Are you in pain? Did you cut yourself?" he asked, still staring intently at the bandages on my face.

"_No._ God, this is _so_ embarrassing," I moaned, my face flushing brightly. "I… Jack put Band-Aids on my face for fun. It's kind of our thing to do. He has an obsession with them."

"So you're not hurt?"

"No." I just wanted him to go away so I could wallow in my misery.

"Good." His eyes trailed up and down my legs, and it was hot. The look on his face was pure lust, but it pissed me off because he shouldn't have been looking at me that way.

"Hang on a second," I mumbled before I ran over to the couch and snatched an afghan off of it, wrapping it around my waist and clutching it with my free hand.

"So do you always run around in your underwear? Because if you do, could you kindly keep your curtains open? Like all the time?" he asked.

I rolled my eyes. "No, I don't." I looked at Raine. "She had an accident, and it, well, it got all over my jeans so I had to take them off."

I took a step closer to him. "And _you_ need to put some curtains up yourself, buddy."

Triple N cackled, shaking his head. "I like not having curtains, and I think you do too, Isabella," he stated in a husky voice, cocking an eyebrow at me as if daring me to deny it.

About that time, I felt two arms wrap around my leg. "Dada?" Jack asked. Triple N's mouth fell open so I quickly looked down at Jack to see what he was so shocked about. To my horror, there stood Jack without a stitch of clothing on except for his SpongeBob Band-Aids.

"Jack! Where are your clothes?" I hissed at him. Unfortunately, this was not something new. The kid had a stripping problem. The little guy loved to be naked and was always trying to remove his clothing.

"Ah, so is this the boyfriend?" Triple N asked before laughing loudly.

He seemed to think he had some comedic talent, which I knew for a fact he didn't. "Ha. Ha. Very funny."

Triple N's face changed, getting serious all of a sudden. "He's not… you don't let him look out the window, do you? He's not been seeing me…."

"Oh, god, no! Are you kidding me?"

"Thank goodness. I didn't want to be the reason for his… lack of clothing." He looked back down at Jack. "So if he's not the boyfriend… are these _your_ children?"

I rolled my eyes and shifted Raine to my other hip. "No, this is my niece and nephew. Not that it's really any of your business."

"You don't have to be so hostile. I'm simply trying to make pleasant conversation with you."

"What do you want? Why did you come over here?"

"Well, I came over to tell you that starting tomorrow, there will be a construction crew coming in to install an in-ground pool at my house. They'll have to come through your yard to get the equipment through because it's too close on the other side of the house-" He stopped mid-sentence and things happened so quickly that it took me a few minutes to actually register what was going on.

Triple N let out a garbled kind of yell and backed up, falling off of my step straight onto his ass. And that was about the time I registered hearing a sound similar to water running. Jack proudly announced, "Pee pee. Pee pee," over and over again as I looked down to find him taking a whiz… all over Triple N. The bottom right leg of his jeans were soaked as well as his expensive-looking tennis shoes.

"Shit!" he yelled out before he slowly got up off of the ground.

"Shi, shi, shi," Jack tried to mimic in his little, sweet voice.

Jazz was going to beat me, thinking that I was cussing around his kids. Which I did do earlier in the kitchen, but that was beside the point. "No, Jack, don't say that word. That's a bad word. Very, very bad word. Say something good like… Bob-bob."

His eyes got round as saucers. "Bob-bob?" he asked before streaking back into the living room to hunt for the box of Band-Aids.

Triple N was trying to dust off any dirt on his backside, but stopped his movements. "What the hell is wrong with his ass?" he asked, staring past me with a horrified look on his face.

I turned around to see Jack running towards the kitchen flashing his cute, adorable little baby cheeks that were covered in white from the diaper rash cream.

I whirled back around. "Quit cussing around these kids," I hissed. "What is wrong with you? My brother is going to kill me." I took in a deep breath. "Jack has a diaper rash. That's diaper rash cream."

Triple N's lip curled up. He even looked good when he was grossed out. "That's nasty."

"Are you okay?" I asked as I looked down at his wet jeans.

"No. I can't believe I get assaulted in some way, shape or form every time I come over here. You should put up some kind of warning sign on your door. This is unbelievable," he ranted as he looked down at his jeans.

"I'm sorry. I'm not normally like this. It's like you're a magnet for bad things or something."

"You're going to try to put the blame for this on me?"

"No, I…." Raine chose at that moment to start screaming. I had no flipping clue what to do.

"Just come in," I grumbled. I was determined to do things differently this time. I sat Raine down by the toys and handed her one of her teething rings. Then I went back to where Triple N stood by the door.

"Did things like this happen to your previous neighbors? If so, I can see why they moved. Every time I come over here I get bit, or my nuts cracked, or pissed on, or…"

"I'll have you know that my neighbors were great, and they loved me and I miss them very much. I wish they were still here. Can you watch the kids for just a second? I'll be right back. Take your shoes and socks off," I said quickly, not even waiting for him to object. To save time, I decided to just climb over the baby gate. And being the dumbass that I am, I got my leg and the afghan caught on the top of it and fell face-first onto the stairs.

"I'm all right," I called out like an idiot, quickly wrapping the blanket back around me. As I raced up the stairs, I rubbed my chin, knowing I'd have a rug burn on it in the morning. I darted into the bathroom and flipped the water in the sink on. I caught my reflection in the mirror and realized I'd been down there talking to him the whole time with all of those damned SpongeBob Band-Aids still on my face. I angrily removed them and that shit hurt. I now had big red marks scattered across my face where I'd ripped them off.

Running to my bedroom, I threw on another pair of jeans. I ran the washcloth under the water and put some soap on it and grabbed a towel. I ran back downstairs and opened the gate this time and walked over to hand him the towels. He was still standing by the door and had both shoes off and had managed to take the one sock off that was dry. But he was just staring at the soaked sock like he'd rather die than actually touch it.

"Here, I'll do it," I huffed as I dropped down on my knees in front of him. "It's just urine," I muttered in irritation, "it won't kill ya. Geez."

He braced his hand against the back of my door and stuck his leg in front of me. "I'm not touching that child's piss."

I pushed the leg of his jeans up his calf. I tucked my fingers under the top of his sock and pulled it down. I couldn't help but feel the hair on his legs as my fingers brushed down them. I slipped the sock off and that's when I saw that he had nice feet. Really nice feet. They were very white, pasty white but still nice. That proved to me right then and there that every part of that man's anatomy was perfection. Even his feet.

I took the wash cloth and washed his foot the best I could and then dried it before standing up. He had a strange look on his face that I couldn't quite figure out. "All right. Go home and take your jeans off and bring them back," I told him as I dropped the towels on the floor by his shoes.

He left and I quickly turned my attention to the kids. I chased down Jack and practically had to sit on that crazy monkey to get his pull-up and clothes back on. Then I got Raine into a shorts outfit and was just rubbing some Ora-Jel on her upper gums when I heard a soft knock on the door.

I kept Raine in my arms as I swung it open. I grabbed the jeans from his hands. "Okay, I'll get these cleaned and returned to you as quickly as possible. I'm really sorry-"

"Oh, no. You are not getting off that easy. You just put me through another very traumatic event. I'm actually scarred now. For life," he said as he glanced over my shoulder. "May I come in? We have some things to discuss."

"No, I'm babysitting. This is a really bad time."

The ass smiled brightly and pushed past me like he didn't hear a word I'd just said. He sat down on my couch like he owned the place, the smug bastard.

I reluctantly sat down on the love seat opposite him. Raine decided at that moment to blow a really loud and very wet raspberry. Triple N's eyebrows shot up almost into his hairline before he busted out laughing. She kept going with the raspberries until her face was bright red. Triple N bent forward and laughed until he had to wipe tears from his eyes. Of course no matter how hard I tried not to laugh with him, his damn laughter was contagious and I found myself giggling right along with him.

"That is the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life," he said in a slightly out-of-breath voice.

I giggled. "I know. She does it all the time. I think it tickles her lips or something. I don't remember Jack ever doing it when he was that age. She's the raspberry queen."

His eyes trailed over to Jack who was playing on the floor. "So he's Jack… what's her name?"

"Oh, his full name is Jackson, but I call him Jack for short. And this is Raine."

"You mentioned earlier you had a brother. Are these his children?"

"Yeah. His name is Jasper. Jazz for short. He's two years younger than me. My only sibling."

About that time Jack brought two small cars with him and climbed up into Triple N's lap. The expression on his face was priceless. Shock, concern, alarm, terror. He didn't know what to do with his hands so he just laid them to his sides on the couch, both clenched painfully.

I smiled brightly. "I take it you're not an uncle."

"Isn't it obvious?"

I giggled at his discomfort. I was enjoying it way too much.

"I have an older brother, Emmett, and trust me, he'll never reproduce. Or at least I hope he doesn't."

"Vroom, vroom," Jack said as he drove his cars up and down Triple N's chest.

His pleading eyes met mine. "Can you… please, can you tell him to get down?"

"Oh, no. He seems to have really taken a liking to you. I'm kind of enjoying this."

He unclenched one hand and ran his fingers through his hair, tugging harshly at the ends. It was awesome seeing his extreme discomfort.

He sighed loudly and shot me an exasperated look. "Have you given my offer any more thought?"

"Of course not," I hissed, which was a big, fat lie. I'd thought about it a lot. Like almost every minute of the day. "I'm not having… _s. e. x._," I whispered, spelling the word out so Jackson wouldn't hear me, "with you. How many times do I have to tell you that? And besides, how can you talk about something like that when we are both holding… a child?"

"I didn't say anything about _s. e. x_. I offered to give you an orgasm. Only fingers and tongue and possibly my lips would be involved. And don't worry," he said as he nodded towards Jack, "they can't understand what I'm saying. Since I was peed on and my tennis shoes are probably ruined, I think I'm going to have to change the terms of my settlement offer." He smiled a wicked grin. "I need to decide what I'm willing to accept as payment now for everything that I've had to endure at your hands. And since _you_ were the one to mention _s. e. x…_."

"_No._ I didn't understand what you meant. I'll get everything cleaned and taken care of. Please let me pay for what Diablo did to you. I can write you a check right now…"

"I already told you that I won't accept money," he said as he glanced down at his watch. "Well, I have to go now, but we will discuss this further. We have some more negotiating to do."

"I don't want to negotiate," I whined.

He ignored me and glanced down at Jack who was still in his lap. "Will you please remove him now so I can leave?"

Setting Raine down on the floor, I picked Jack up from his lap, and Jack was not happy about it. "You can't sit on Edward's lap anymore because he has to leave."

Jack decided to throw a temper tantrum and started screaming. I put him down and squatted in front of him, holding him close to me. "Stop it. Right now. Do you need another Band-Aid? Go find the box, and I'll put another one on you."

That got his attention. The tantrum immediately disappeared as he took off like a bullet towards the kitchen.

"I'll get your clothes and shoes back to you hopefully by tomorrow," I told Triple N as I followed him to my front door.

Just as he was about to step out of my house, he turned around. "Do you like to skinny dip, Isabella?" he asked as a sexy, lop-sided grin broke out on his face. My eyes narrowed, and I was just getting ready to come back with something mean and snarky when he called out, "See ya tomorrow," and walked out the door laughing. I couldn't keep my eyes off of his fine-looking ass in his tight jeans as he chuckled loudly all the way back to his house.

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><p><strong>AN: Bahahaha! So, what did you think? Did it make you giggle? I hope it at least put a smile on your face!**

**Don't forget to review! I love hearing from you!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Hello, my lovelies! Thank you to each and every one of you that have reviewed. Your words warm my heart and make me grin like a stupid idiot. ;)**

**My beta, Twilifed113, is the most awesomeest, beautifulest, and most wonderfulest person in the whole world. And my pre-reader gjficfan is a total badass. ;)**

**SM owns Twilight.**

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><p><em><strong>MY DEVIL<strong>_

_**CHAPTER 4**_

As I stood in front of Triple N's door with his freshly laundered jeans and socks in my hands, I seriously debated about just ringing the doorbell, dropping the clothes, and running like hell. I truly did not want to face the man again after my mortifying experience with him yesterday. I just wanted to hide in shame. It seemed like every time I got around him, something horrific managed to happen.

Throughout the day, there had been a lot of racket from the construction crew digging the giant hole in his backyard for his new pool. I'd peeked out a few times and caught sight of him watching the men work. But the construction crew was gone now… and I hoped he was too.

I restlessly shifted back and forth from one foot to the other as I continued to stand there looking like an idiot, trying to decide what to do. Finally, my good conscience prevailed and I decided the least I could do was apologize… again. So, I sucked in a deep breath and pressed the little glowing orange doorbell button. As my rotten luck would have it, a few moments later, he opened the door, looking hot as hell in a dark blue V-neck T and cargo shorts.

"Isabella," he said in his dripping-in-sex voice, a smirk plastered on his perfect face. I was determined to build an immunity to his supernatural good looks. The rest of the female population of the planet Earth and surrounding galaxies might be affected by his sexual appeal, but I would not let myself fall victim to his charms.

For some reason, I felt really nervous all of a sudden so I cleared my throat. "Yeah, here's your clothes," I muttered as I quickly shoved them into his arms. "All clean. Extra fabric softener. Um, your shoes are still air-drying so they'll probably be ready tomorrow."

I watched curiously as he brought the clothes up to his nose and sniffed them. "Smells nice," he said with a half-grin. Turning slightly, he set the clothes down on one of the Adirondack chairs that were on his porch.

"I'm _really_ sorry about what happened. I gotta go." Mission accomplished. It was time to flee. I turned around and started walking back towards my house when I felt his hand on my elbow.

"Hey, not so fast," he said. "Why don't you come in, and I'll show you around the place? I'm nowhere near unpacked yet, but I'm getting there."

"No, I'm really busy…."

He raised one eyebrow and gave me "the eyeball". You know that look. The look that lets you know that the other person sees straight through your bullshit. With his being an attorney, I just knew that he had an extra-sensory lie-dar ability that was superior to most. "Are you still babysitting?" he asked.

"Well, no, they left earlier."

"Are you working?"

"No…."

"Then what do you have going on that is so urgent that you can't take ten minutes to let me show you around my house?"

The man really got under my skin. "I have lots of things to do. Women things…." Where the hell did that come from? Why did I just say that? What did that even mean? I wanted to die.

"_Women things_?" Triple N repeated before he started laughing. Hard. The jackass even had a nice laugh. I didn't understand how, but he could make something as mundane as laughing somehow sexy. "I'm incredibly intrigued," he said, his jade eyes twinkling with mischief. "Let me try to guess this one. Is it the old cliche, 'I need to wash my hair'?" Stepping closer, he reached his hand out, lifted my hair, and buried his nose in it. Some sort of groaning sound escaped him. "No, that's not it. You've already washed your hair today. Smells like strawberries." His eyes took on a smoldering look as he stared at me. I found it difficult to breathe.

"Hmm…." He stepped back and looked me up and down for a moment before he bent down in front of me and looked up into my eyes. "May I?" he asked.

"What?" I asked, frowning completely clueless as to what he was asking for. Did he have a thing for a feet? I was dressed casually in an old pair of blue jean Capri's and flip flops.

With his eyes still on mine, he reached his index finger out and stroked the skin of my lower leg causing me to jump back. I gasped and lost my breath as I felt an electric current go racing up my leg.

"What the hell?" I shouted.

He stood up with a smug grin on his face. "Mm, smooth as silk. I was hoping you needed a wax job. I would have been more than happy to give you a hand with that especially along that hard to reach bikini line." He tried to keep a straight face but failed and the ass busted out laughing. What a dickhead.

"Don't ever touch me like that again," I seethed.

He chuckled some more, seemingly oblivious to my fury. "Isabella, you obviously enjoyed my touch otherwise you wouldn't have had such an intense reaction to it." He smiled as he held up his index finger and wiggled it at me. "That was only my fingertip. Just imagine what you could experience if you let me touch you," his voice dropped to almost a whisper, "in other places. With _more_ than my fingertip."

I glared at him. "Why won't you let it go? Why can't you accept the fact that I will _never_ let you touch me like that? Huh?"

"Because I know you want me to touch you. I can tell. You're wound so tight you're about to explode. Besides, I'm really confident in my sexuality," he said with a shrug. "There's nothing wrong with that. I know that I'm good at it, and I'm not afraid to let someone I'm interested in know about it as well."

"You're good at it because you're a slutty manwhore! I'm surprised you have any time leftover to practice law."

"I'm completely insulted that you would think of me like that," he said with a mock injured look on his face.

"How could I not think that way?" I demanded. "The first time I saw you, you sexed up your realtor… as a gift to her. And then you've been harassing me ever since to have orgasms and do sex things with you."

"Look, I've had a lot of sex in my lifetime, but that doesn't mean I've had a lot of sex_ partners_. I've only been with six women, and one of those was a long-term relationship that lasted five years."

Only six women? He had to be lying. "But what about your _realtor_? How could you do that so… so casually as a gift?"

"Leah? Let's see, I've known her for… I guess it's been about three years now. We used to date so that was not the first time I've had sex with her. We broke up amicably and remain friends. I'm single right now; she's single right now so we hooked up. It was just about sex. I don't have any sort of emotional attachment to her at this point."

"Well, I don't care. It doesn't matter. I have a boyfriend so we… we shouldn't even be discussing these things. It's not right." He didn't need to know that I had plans on breaking up with said boyfriend… tomorrow.

"And why haven't you broken up with him yet?"

"That's none of your business."

"Do you love him?"

I gave him my most evil stink eye and refused to comment.

"No need to answer. I can see the answer in your eyes. Although it is a bit difficult to see them since they're all scrunched up in a not so attractive manner at the moment," he said, grinning. "And where has this so-called boyfriend been anyway? I sure haven't seen him around. Are you sure you didn't make him up?"

"No, I didn't make him up. He's been on a business trip."

He stepped closer into my personal space. "You need to be with a man that makes your heart race," Oh, shit. His nearness was causing my heart to race like it had just been shot up with a concoction of espresso, Mountain Dew, and Red Bull. "And your skin burn." Hot damn. My lower parts were about to burn down the house as well as half of Seattle. He reached his finger up and traced it ever so softly down my cheek, causing a chill up my spine and goose flesh to break out all over. "Your skin should shiver and ache for his touch. Does he do that for you, Isabella? Does he?"

That's when I knew it. This man had unleashed his predatory sexual voodoo mumbo jumbo on me and was trying to suck me into his dark lair of sin. And, oh, how I wanted to be in that lair with my legs spread wide open. I didn't say a word. I turned on my heel and ran like the wind back to my house; there was no way I could resist him otherwise. Panting, I locked, dead-bolted, and chained the door shut, afraid that if he came over again, I would succumb to his sexy, hypnotic words and shred my clothing and fling my naked self at him.

Thankfully, he didn't follow me and left me alone. Rose called me later in the evening and begged me to go out with her. She was horny and wanted to get laid. She was a total slut, but I didn't hold that against her. She couldn't help her horny ways. But the idea of getting falling-down-in-the-gutter drunk sounded incredibly appealing to me. I just wanted to lose myself for one night and not think about the conversation I was going to have to have tomorrow when Jared got home.

All week long, I'd been thinking about my relationship, and I had finally come to the conclusion that I had to break things off with him. I knew deep in my heart that I truly didn't love him, and he deserved more than that. I was short-changing both of us.

Walking into my closet, I grabbed my skin-tight skinny jeans and a shimmering blue loose-fitting tank. Rose and I had been in some knock-down drag-out fights over my attire when we went out together. If she had her way, I'd be going in a G-string and some tasseled pasties. I refused to wear the scraps of clothing she had the nerve to call dresses. I was never going to put my tits and ass on display like she did.

Slipping on a pair of heels, I checked my reflection in the mirror. My hair was curled, and I'd put a bit of make-up on so I didn't look too bad. Hopefully Rose would approve.

I walked downstairs and grabbed my bag just as the doorbell rang. Opening the door, there stood the Glamazon in all her glory. The red scrap of a dress she wore barely covered her wazoo, and I definitely worried for her that she might pop a nipple. Her lip curled up as she took in my appearance. "You and those jeans. It wouldn't hurt you to show a little skin now and then."

"I am showing skin." The tank I wore dipped low and was way more revealing than I was comfortable with. "My tits are practically hanging out."

She rolled her eyes and sighed dramatically. "So, have you met your new neighbors yet?" she asked, changing the subject. For some reason, I hadn't told her a thing about Triple N. I mean, how could I tell her? _Yeah, I've met him. It's this hot as hell guy that put on a private porn show for me while I pervily peeked through the window at him and jilled off. And, oh, yeah, he now wants to give me an orgasm._ She'd have a field day with that one, so I just kept quiet about the whole mess.

"Yeah, it's some old geezer named Edward. So far he's been kind of annoying and bothersome." I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing. If she only knew….

"Damn it! I was so hoping it was a bunch of hot doctors. Or some dirty lawyers."

I tried to hide my gasp by coughing, which turned into giggles as we made our way out to her car. My eyes were on the look-out, praying that old geezer Edward wouldn't suddenly make an appearance. The coast was clear, and within a few minutes, we were on our way to the club.

"My plan is to hook up with someone tonight so we'll just leave my car in the parking lot. We'll call you a cab to take your drunk self home, and I'll have you bring me back tomorrow to get my car," she said as she pulled into a parking space outside the club.

"Yes, ma'am," I replied.

She flipped me off as we made our way to the entrance. _Eclipse_ was the hottest new club in town. I could have cared less and would have been much happier at home in my PJ's with a six-pack. But this was Rose's scene. She loved clubbing and the attention that she received when she showed up. She knew she was gorgeous and wasn't afraid to flaunt what God had given her.

There was a massive line waiting to get in, but it didn't matter. We knew one of the bouncers… Laurent. He was an incredibly attractive African-American football-player type with dreadlocks. Rose had gone to school with him and had known him forever.

We walked to the front of the line, and his dark eyes lit up when he spotted us. "Rose. Bella," he murmured. "You two look ravishing tonight."

After hugging him, we chit-chatted for a few minutes before he let us in. As we entered the club, the loud bass hit me, vibrating through my skin. I could feel it pounding in my chest like an extra heartbeat. There were scantily-clad bodies everywhere, grinding to the music. We found a booth in the corner and ordered some drinks.

Once I got some liquid courage in me, I leaned over to Rose. "I'm gonna break up with Jared," I told her.

Her mouth hung open for a moment before she regained her composure and shouted, "Thank fuck! It's about damn time you got rid of that loser. I've hated that man since the first day I met him."

I gave her an angry glare.

"Sorry. I know I shouldn't say shit like that, but it's the truth. This is so exciting! We have to celebrate. And hook you up!"

"Good god, woman. I haven't even broken up with him yet."

"Well, call him and get it over with." Rose was not known for her compassion.

Rolling my eyes at her, I quickly downed the rest of my drink and ordered another.

"Well, when are you ditching the prick?" she asked.

I sighed. "Tomorrow. And he's not a prick; Jared is a really nice guy. He'll be back in town in the morning so I plan on talking to him then."

"Well, good for you. You're doing the right thing. I've known forever that he's not the right guy for you."

I was contemplating the exact words I was going to say to Jared when our second round of drinks showed up. I had just taken a few sips when I heard Rose gasp loudly. "Holy hell. Incoming. Hunk with big junk approaching behind you. He is absolutely divine, and he is mine." For some reason, I found Rose's rhyming to be absolutely hilarious since she sucked at it so badly.

A quick glance behind me, and I had to admit that the guy walking towards us was most definitely a hunk. A big Native American hunk with beautiful brown skin and short hair. And a killer smile. His teeth looked even whiter against his dark skin. I wondered for a moment if he ever did infomercials for teeth whitening because if he didn't, he should. The man could make some serious dough.

I looked back down into my drink and stuck my finger in it, stirring it. "Would you like to dance?" I heard him ask Rose. I stuck my finger in my mouth to get the liquor off, waiting for Rose to agree and be swept off onto the dance floor. But she didn't respond. Confused, I looked up to find him staring down at me. I glanced at Rose and she was shooting daggers at me from across the table.

"Me?" I asked, dumbfounded. He flashed those brilliant pearly whites at me and nodded. "Oh, no. But my friend, Rose, here would love to dance with you." I couldn't believe this guy was bothering to ask me when Rose was sitting across from me looking like she'd just won the _Girls Gone Wild_ version of the _Miss America Pageant_.

"Um, thanks, but I'd really like to dance with you," the big hunk with big junk said.

"Well, I'm just here to drink tonight," I said, holding up my glass. "No dancing for me."

"Well, if you're just here to drink, do you mind if I join you?"

Of course I minded. I just wanted to drink in peace. I looked over at Rose, and she was nodding her head and making funny faces at me. I stuck my tongue out at her.

Taking in a deep breath, I let it out slowly. "Sure, why not?" I grumbled as I scooted over in the booth and made room for him.

"I'm Jake, by the way," he said, holding out his big paw for me to shake.

"I'm Bella," I said as I grasped his hand.

"And I'm Rose, obviously," Rose said with a laugh as she held out her hand to him.

After shaking her hand, Jake turned to me, leaning close. "It's very nice to meet you, Bella." I just smiled at him.

Rose didn't seem too upset by the fact that Jake seemed more interested in me than her. Besides, she had every other man in that club vying for her attention. It turned out Jake was a really nice guy. Rose got up and danced a few times, but Jake stayed at the table with me the whole time. I found out that he was a football coach at a local high school.

Just as Rose sat down again after driving the men on the dance floor crazy, Jake pulled out his phone and sent a couple of texts. He slipped it back into his pocket, and I ordered us another round of drinks. I was feeling mighty fine by now. I'd had three or four drinks maybe… but who was keeping count?

"Holy fuck!" Rose shouted.

"What?"

She just sat there gaping at the dance floor with her mouth wide open. "What?" I asked again and tried to turn around to catch a glimpse at what she was seeing, but Jake's big hulking frame was in my way.

"The hottest fucking man I have ever laid eyes on is coming this way. Hottest. Fucking. Man. Ever."

Jake turned his head and snorted. I leaned towards him. "Just ignore her. She's always like this when she's horny. Just a few minutes ago, _you_ were the hottest fucking man ever," I said with a laugh.

Jake threw his head back and laughed heartily. I was giggling right along with him when I heard, "Isabella?" The giggles died in my throat. I'd know that silken voice anywhere.

Triple N did not look happy. But he did look fucking hot in his tight, silky black short-sleeve V-neck that clung to every muscle and was tucked into a pair of pleated gray dress pants. Rose was right. Hottest. Fucking. Man. Ever.

"Jake," he said in a low voice, glaring at him.

I frowned because how in the hell did he know his name?

"_Isabella_?" Jake asked looking from me to Edward with a confused as hell expression on his face. "_The_ Isabella?"

Edward didn't respond; he just continued to glare at Jake. I didn't understand what was going on at all. It must have been the booze.

"Hi, I'm Rose. Join us?" Rose asked as she patted the seat next to her and leaned towards Edward, giving him a heaping eyeful of her giant chimichangas.

Triple N's eyes landed on her cannon balls for a split second before he looked from me to Jake and then back to me and finally sat down.

"So you know Bella?" Rose asked Edward, fluttering her baby blues at him.

His eyes stayed on mine as he responded. "Yes, I know… _Isabella," _he said my name with a snarl. "I just moved in next door to her."

Rose gasped. "But… but…." she stuttered before looking quickly at me. "You told me that some old geezer named Edward moved in next door."

Jake choked on his drink and almost spewed it across the table, and Edward looked like he wanted to throttle me.

"Old geezer, huh?" Edward asked me, his eyes narrowing.

"No, I-" I started to say when Rose kicked me under the table. "Ow, that hurt," I moaned as I leaned down and rubbed my shin. That was going to leave a mark.

"I can't believe he's your next door neighbor. Damn it, Bella, you've been holding out on me." She turned to Edward, and turned on the charm. "If I'd known you'd moved in, I'd have been visiting Bella every day… and every night," she said seductively before giggling.

My eyes narrowed. That was _my _neighbor. _My _Triple N. _My_ Edward… who wanted to have sex with _me_ and give _me_ orgasms and do lots of other dirty things to _me._ My bitchy best friend needed to back the fuck off.

"Isabella has been holding out on me as well," he said, looking me straight in the eye and cocking his eyebrow. My eyes widened and I gulped as I understood his double entendre. Of course Rose thought he was talking about her and thanked him and giggled some more.

Jake's continued coughing distracted me for a second, and I realized he could have been dying, and I wouldn't have even noticed. "Are you okay?" I asked him.

"Yeah," he said as he cleared his throat.

"_She's_ your neighbor?" he asked Edward who did not respond. "Holy shit," Jake muttered before he started laughing and coughing some more.

"Keep your damn mouth shut," Edward said to Jake, causing him to laugh again.

Edward turned to Rose who was still glowing over Edward's comment. "So how are you and Isabella acquainted?" Edward asked her.

"We're best friends. Been friends forever," she answered quickly. "Why do you keep calling her Isabella? Her name's Bella."

His eyes narrowed as he looked at me. "I don't know. Maybe you'd like to answer that question?"

"Uh, I dunno," I mumbled before gulping my drink down. No way was I fessing up how much I liked hearing my full name on his full lips.

"How do you know Jake?" Rose asked Edward.

"He's a… friend," Edward replied stiffly.

Jake laughed. "Edward and I have been best buds since childhood." He leaned into me. "Would you like another drink?"

I nodded and Jake ordered us another round of drinks.

"Edward, let's dance," Rose said, grabbing his arm and squeezing it. I wanted to rip her sleazy fingers off of his bicep and break them.

Edward kept his eyes on mine when he answered her. "I'd love to."

The bastard.

Instead of moving to a part of the dance floor where I wouldn't be able to see them, Edward led her to a spot directly in my line of vision.

His eyes stayed on me as they started dancing. The more I watched them, the more pissed I got.

"Bella, I'm really sorry," Jake said. I'd forgotten he was even still sitting there. "I had no idea that you were Edward's Isabella. We've never been to this club before so-"

"What do you mean… _Edward's Isabella_?"

Jake looked conflicted. "He'd kick my ass if I told you this, but…." He looked at the dance floor for a second. "Ah, hell, who cares, he's probably going to kick my ass anyway," he mumbled before he tossed back the rest of his drink. "He's got it bad for you. All he's talked about is you since he moved into that house. He's so jealous of me right now he can barely see straight."

I barked out a laugh because how could he be jealous when he was out there grinding up against my beautiful bitchy best friend's tits and ass? He was definitely _not _jealous. I _was_ the one that was jealous. And he had the nerve to smirk at me over her shoulder as his hands dipped down to Rose's ass. I wanted to chop his hands off and feed them to Diablo.

They kept dancing, and I kept drinking. Before long, I was drunk. Ugly drunk. "Jakey?" I said with a giggle. "I need to go potty." I had decided that Jakey was going to be my new best friend. I was officially replacing Rose.

I stumbled out of the booth and it took me a while, but I finally found the restroom. Once I was done doing my business, I stepped out into the hallway and ran smack dab into Rose. "Bella! I'm going home with Edward. I'm gonna wear that gorgeous man out tonight. He's so fucking sexy." I felt like my world had just collapsed. Or tilted, as I swayed a little and had to lean against the wall so I didn't fall on the ground.

"I'm calling you a cab," she said as she whipped out her phone. I didn't argue. I wanted to get out of there as fast as I could. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle seeing the two of them leave the club together.

"All right. The cab is on the way," she said, linking her arm with mine. "Let's get you outside."

"I need to… I need to say goodbye to Jakey," I told her.

"Jakey?"

"Yes, Jakey."

She gave me an odd look, but took me back to the table. Jake was nowhere to be found, and neither was Edward.

"Ah, Jakey vanished… like a ghost," I said with a giggle.

Rose ignored me and pushed through the crowd to the entrance. I just hung onto her arm for dear life. She got me outside and sat me down on a bench and sat down beside me. "The cab will be here in about ten minutes. Did you like Jake? Do you think you two might eventually hook up?"

"Nopey. Jakey's my newest best friend."

"God, you're drunk. Where the hell is Edward?" she angrily asked. I was definitely drunk, but I wasn't _that _drunk. I was still aware of what was going on around me, and I didn't like it one bit.

"Triple N? He's off being a devil. _My_ devil… my ornery devil, stealing best friends and…."

"What the hell are you talking about?" she demanded.

"You guys leaving?" I heard Jake ask.

"Jakey!" I yelled as I kind of fell off the bench. He helped me right myself, and I gave my new best friend a hug.

"Jake, I need to go find Edward," Rose said. "Can you make sure Bella gets into a taxi? It should be here anytime."

"Sure. No problem," he responded.

Rose hugged me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. "Be safe, Bella-bitch. I love you. I'll call you tomorrow."

I would not be talking to her tomorrow. She was stealing my Triple N.

Rose took off and Jake led me back to the bench. I leaned up against him. "You're my new best friend. She's gonna sleep with my Triple N. He's mine but she's… she's… she's gonna get him. She's so purty..."

"Who's Triple N?" Jake asked.

"My… my Edward."

Jake grinned and pulled out his cell. "Yeah, I've got your girl out front…. She's drunk. Watch out for Rose; she's looking for you. Yeah… no. Okay." He then hung up.

"Who's that?" I asked.

"Nothing. Just taking care of you… and my best friend," he replied cryptically.

"That's me!" I yelled happily as I laid my head against his arm again.

I reached my hand up and squeezed his bicep. "You work out? That's like… I dunno know. Somethin' hard." I couldn't think of a damn thing that was hard.

He snickered. "Yeah. But remember I'm a football coach so I have a very strong throwing arm."

I was thinking about arms and how my lips felt a little numb when Edward suddenly appeared before us.

"She's all yours," Jake said to him. "I'm heading out."

Jake turned to me. "Bella, it was a pleasure to meet you. I hope to see you again soon."

"Of course you'll see me, silly Jakey. We're best friends."

He flashed that Colgate smile at me. "Oh, yeah. I forgot. Best friends."

Jake took off and Edward sat down next to me. "So are you stealing my best friend now or something?" he asked.

"Yep. You stole mine."

"I did no such thing."

I looked around and then back at him. "Where's she?"

"I don't know. Why?"

"You're gonna..." I looked around and whispered, "... fuck her."

"I don't think so!"

"She said so."

"Isabella, your friend is nice and all, but I'm not interested in her that way. I'm only interested in one woman right now."

"Your reala… reallysa… your house lady?" I couldn't remember that house-seller word to save my life.

He threw his head back and laughed. "No… it's you, silly."

"Me?" He just grinned and nodded.

I leaned towards him and whispered, "But… your hands were on her big ass. I saw you."

He smirked. "I only did that to make you jealous. Did it work?"

"_Yes._ No."

The cab arrived and I held onto Edward's arm as we walked over to it. "Do you want to share?" he asked. "We could save money and the ozone layer."

I nodded. "I like money… and that other thing."

I got in the cab, and he tried to climb in beside me, but for some reason, I hadn't moved. "You better scoot over or I'll have to sit in your lap," he said with a lopsided grin.

I finally managed to scoot over a little bit until I was sitting in the middle. When he sat down, our bodies touched, and I liked it.

Edward gave the driver the address, and I leaned my head against his arm. His felt much better than Jakey's. Firm, but definitely not as hard. And we seemed to fit. Just right.

"Triple N," I sighed.

"What?"

"You're nickname. It means… Naked, Nasty… um, no…. Sexy, Nasty, Nipples… wait, does Sexy start with N? It's like Triple X. Can't remember now; tell you later."

"You can't do this to me," he moaned. "You better start sobering up quick. I _have_ to know what my nickname means especially if it involves the words nasty and nipples," Edward said before laughing. "You are something else, _Bella_. Why didn't you correct me on your name?"

"I like when you say it. With your lips. I like lips. That's a funny word. Lips. It tickles my lips when I say lips."

As I conversed eloquently on the topic of lips, I climbed into his lap and straddled him.

"What are you doing?"

I wrapped my arms around his neck. "I'm ready. I wanna do it. Tonight. I want my organs. Wait. Orcas. Orga. No! Uh…." My brain just wasn't working properly, and it was pissing me off. "You know, those O things. Maybe two or four of 'em. Even numbers. I don't like odd numbers."

"I won't touch you when you're drunk."

I pouted. "But I want you. Don't you want me?"

"Really fucking badly," he whispered as he pressed his bratwurst up against me. It felt like it was about to explode out of its casing. "But I will only give you an orgasm when you are coherent enough to enjoy every single second of it. And I'll make sure to only give you an even numbered amount of them."

"I wanna kiss," I mumbled as I moved in towards his lips. He turned his head, and I ended up kissing his cheek. Grunting, I pushed off of him until I was back on the seat again.

"You're no fun," I huffed. I reached down and took my shoes off. They were bothering me. I stuck my hands into the back of my tank and undid my bra.

"What are you doing?" he hissed at me.

"My boobies hurt," I said as I slipped my bra off without removing my tank. I threw my bra on the seat and stretched my arms out. "Ah, much better."

"You're killing me here, Isabella," he whispered in my ear. I was okay with that. He was killing me by not giving me kisses or O's, the big jerk.

Edward opened the door. For a minute, I thought we were still on the highway. Apparently, we were already home. He pulled me out of the taxi. "Wait!" I shouted. "My bra." Reaching in, he grabbed it off the seat and shoved it at me. "Thanks. I like this one," I murmured as I looked down at it. It was blue lace. "See the bow? It fits right between my boobies."

The taxi took off, and I stumbled into his chest. He groaned as he wrapped his arms around me, keeping me upright. "Isabella, you have to stop saying things like that," he said through clenched teeth. "It makes me want to put _something_ between your boobies, and it's not that damn bow. And I _can't_ because you're drunk."

"What? Your brat?" I liked that idea but knew my tits were too small to accommodate him. With the size of his sausage, he'd need some Rose-sized milk jugs.

"What brat?" Edward asked.

"Your cock. I named it. The behemoth bratwurst."

He busted out laughing. He laughed and laughed until he had to wipe tears away. I didn't think it was all that funny. He finally got control of himself and picked me up. I draped my bra over his shoulder as I tried to hold onto my shoes and bag. "Jesus Christ. _Behemoth bratwurst,_" he repeated with another laugh. "That's fucking hilarious. I was only thinking of burying my face in your boobs, not my cock. I don't even understand how you do it, but you manage to make me laugh and make my cock hard simultaneously. You have no idea how fucking hard I am for you right now."

"Really? That's nice."

For some reason, that made him laugh even more.

Pressing my face into his neck, I sniffed him and sniffed him some more. I could have sniffed him all night. "You smell _good_. It's that stuff on TV, right? Where the ugly guy puts it on and women go crazy." I just knew I'd found the secret to his sex appeal.

He snorted. "No, it's Eternity for Men."

"Hmmph. That sucks. I thought-" I sighed and pressed my nose into his skin again.

"You thought what?" he asked.

"I thought… that was why I have the hots for you."

"You have the hots for me?"

"Yeah. Duh."

"Don't act like it's been obvious. You've done everything you possibly could to push me away."

He sat me down in front of my door. I held onto him so I didn't fall on my ass because the earth had started spinning. "There's a key… there," I said as I shoved my bag at him. In the condition I was in, it might be dawn before I found it.

I assumed he found the key because the next thing I knew he was carrying me into the house, and I then was on my feet again, trying to get the room to quit twirling. My shoes and bag hit the floor. He pulled my bra off his shoulder and handed it to me. It slipped from my fingers onto the pile at my feet. Thankfully, he was smart enough to hang onto me so I wouldn't topple over.

Diablo was going ballistic in the kitchen, but I knew he was okay. I had prepared everything for him in advance knowing I'd be drunk when I got home.

"Can you make it upstairs?" Edward asked me.

"Nope."

I was in his arms again. My arms were around his neck as he walked up the stairs. "Where's your bedroom?"

"Last door on _that_ side," I said, pointing. Unfortunately, I couldn't tell my left from my right.

I felt the familiar feel of my comforter. Reaching my hands down, after a couple of tries, I undid the button on my jeans.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"I have to get these off."

"Okay. I'm leaving now…."

"No. Not yet. I might need help."

"I'm not taking your jeans off."

"Don't. Leave." I tried and tried to pinch my fingers together to grasp that little zipper thingy, but it was like I was trying to grasp an invisible string in the dark.

"Damn zipper. I need help."

He leaned towards me for a second and then stepped back. I just stared at him, waiting.

"I'm going to be going now," Edward announced. "Your zipper is down so you should be good…." I didn't even know he'd touched the zipper.

"Oh," I said with a snort. "Wait." I started struggling to get those skintight jeans off, but they wouldn't budge. "I can't get these… stupid things…. Help me."

"Isabella…."

"Nothing scary here," I said with a wave of my hand. "You know I waxed. So no hairy scary. The beaver's buffed. Or is it bald? Bald beaver?" That caused me to giggle-snort loudly. I was cracking myself up. "And you've seen my undies… I think. Did I…? Was it the string ones?" I followed up that question with a loud hiccup.

"You... you and the crazy shit you do... and the even crazier shit you say. You don't even mean it either. You don't even mean to be sexy, but it's all… it's all really fucking sexy. Look what you've done to me. I can't even talk straight. And I'm not even the one who's drunk here."

I felt a draft, and it was cold. "Where's my pants?" I mumbled.

"I took them off just like you asked."

"Oh." I giggled like a hyena.

I felt a cover being pulled over top of me. "Sleep with me-" I mumbled.

"I told you I'm not going to do that while you're drunk."

"Not _that_. Sleep, sleep. Counting… ducks… or pigs… I love piggies," I said with a giggle.

My eyes were no longer focusing, but I could have sworn I heard some chuckling. Then I felt a warm body next to me, and that sexy man-smell was back. I was freezing so I practically crawled on top of him to warm myself up. And he felt incredible. So warm. "Best O… was when… I watched…." I slurred. And that's the last thing I remember before passing out.

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><p><strong>AN: Oh boy. LMAO! Think Bella's gonna be happy when she wakes up and realizes that her drunk lips spilled a few secrets? Hehehe! ;)**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Hope you had a lovely turkey day if you celebrate in your neck of the woods. I ate until I passed out on the couch and drool dribbled down my chin.**

**I swear that my beta Twilifed113 walks around with a halo on her head. At least in my eyes. And my pre-reader gjficfan is all that and a bag of chips.**

**SM owns Twilight. **

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><p><em><strong>MY DEVIL<strong>_

_**CHAPTER 5**_

A gigantic megaphone the size of an artillery tank blared in my extremely sensitive ear. I knew for certain that piercing, piss-ant piece-of-shit noisemaker had earned a world record at Guinness at some point for its high-volume voltage. "Wake up, damn it. Are you in a coma? There's somebody downstairs. Your dog is going crazy and someone just slammed the front door."

Someone shook me, causing my befuddled, achy brain to bounce off the sides of my skull like one of those rubber balls used in a racquetball tournament.

The words that were shouted through the boisterous megaphone were not making sense. Where the hell was I? In the hospital? It did yell coma. I felt like I should be in the hospital. The shaking stopped and I squinted, slowly opening one eyelid into a barely there sliver. A large blurry blob was in front of me that I couldn't make out. Squinting my eyes tight, I squeeze-blinked them a couple more times before I pried open my one eyelid again. After a minute or two, the blur came into focus and morphed into Triple N's face. Was I dreaming? Was he naked? Why did I just think that? Oh yeah, because he's totally hot naked, and I'm a filthy pervert.

The megaphone blasted again. "Someone's coming up the stairs."

My squinty eye opened a bit further, and I glanced around, taking in the familiar surroundings of my bedroom. My bedroom? Huh? I looked down. I _was_ in my bed. Triple N was in my bed. In. My. Bed. Why in the hell was he in my bed?

_Holy shit!_

All I could do was react. With both hands, I shoved at him, pushing him straight off the side of the bed onto his ass. As his body hit the floor, a loud thump reverberated around the room like a sonic boom. The impact caused my brain to begin to pulse with horrendous pain.

"What the hell?" he megaphoned from the floor, rubbing his ass and looking at me like I'd lost my mind. Ignoring him, I shoved the extra pillow on my bed on top of him to try to cover him up. He grunted as he pushed the pillow off of him.

"Bella? Are you okay?" I heard another even louder megaphone yell from the hallway. And my blood turned to ice.

"_Jared?_" I whispered in disbelief. "Holy shit."

Triple N had been in my bed. Was I a cheater? A cheating low-life slutbanger? Did I let him slip his bratwurst into my bun? I searched and searched my mixed up hurting brain cells for any memories of Triple N thrusting between my legs and came up with squat.

I'd have to contemplate my cheating ways later because I had more pressing matters to deal with. Triple N needed to disappear. Now. And fast. Maybe I could shove him out my window. It wasn't _that_ far to the ground below. He'd probably scrape by with just a broken ankle or wrist. I was okay with that. But before I had a chance to even blink, I heard Jared's footsteps outside my bedroom door.

"Stay down," I whisper-hissed at Triple N right before Jared plowed into my room.

"What was that noise? Are you all right?" he demanded, his eyes darting around the room. Grimacing at his grating, blaring boom box voice, I held one side of my head to help with the excruciating pain and started moving to try to get to the other side of the bed. I had to get as far away from Triple N as I could.

"Oh, I… uh…." Shit, my head hurt so fucking badly. "I fell off the bed," I whispered, as I slowly crawled towards him.

Jared laughed loudly, and I wished I could smother him with my pillow or pull the feathers out and shove them down his throat. He pulled me off of the bed into a hug. The motion from going from sitting to standing so quickly made the room zoom around like I was riding a carnival Tilt-a-Whirl. "That sounds like you," he said with a chuckle. "You look awful. What's going on?"

My eyes closed as I tried to get the room to stop spinning. "I got drunk. Last night," I whispered. Every syllable I spoke hurt.

There was no time to chit-chat. Jared and I needed to exit my bedroom pronto because I had a fuckhawt man in my bed last night who I may or may not have molested and who was now crouched down on the floor hiding behind my bed. _Holy shit!_ I was in so much trouble. I pushed against Jared's chest, trying to move him towards the door, but he wouldn't budge and had me caged in.

His lips were on my neck. "Mm, I missed you."

"I need some… meds," I choked out. Pain…. I was in so much pain.

"I need a five-minute quickie. I'll make it fast. You look so hot in this tank and G-string."

_The fuck?_

My deluded and soon-to-be ex-boyfriend was seriously over-exaggerating when he said "five-minute quickie". It was more like the "30-second stick-up". And I couldn't believe he had the marbles – that's how big they were - to even mention having sex when he knew I had a raging hangover and a brains-about-to-explode-out-of-my-ears migraine going on and was barely able to stand. Rose was right. He was most definitely a prick, an unbelievably selfish prick who only thought of himself and his needs. I tried to pull my neck away from his lips, but he just pulled me tighter against him.

"Get. Off. Of. Me."

"No. You shouldn't have gotten drunk last night. You knew I was coming home this morning and that I'd want some pussy. I haven't seen you in over a week."

No, he didn't. "Some _pussy?_ Do you…." I stopped and grabbed my head. The pressure was so intense, it was about to explode. "Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?" I ground out through clenched teeth.

"It should make you feel flattered," he said as he grabbed my bare ass cheeks and squeezed.

"Stop." If he didn't stop soon, my knee was going to make direct impact with his tiny hairy man sack. And hopefully cause him to burst into tears like a little girl. Pain seemed to bring out my violent side.

He huffed and puffed and started pouting like a two-year old. "I can't believe you're doing this to me. All I wanted was to be able to come home from my stressful week and make love to my girlfriend, but _no_, you had to run out and get drunk. A man has needs, you know. Are you up for a hand job? Or how about you just lay on the bed, and I'll rub one out real quick."

The man had clearly lost his mind. I'd never seen him act like this before. But when I thought about it, I'd definitely never had a hangover on the day he came back from a trip. I was always chipper and thrilled to see him, and we'd always had our standard "welcome back" sex as soon as he got home.

My thoughts shifted to Triple N crouched down beside my bed, and I internally groaned, feeling my face flare with heat. I couldn't believe that he was hearing this conversation. I just wanted to melt into the floor and disappear. The way Jared was acting, Triple N might get his own personal live porn show before it was over with. If Jared had the audacity to whip out his wiener at any point, I knew without a doubt that I would injure him and possibly pull a Lorena Bobbitt. So the live porn would definitely end as a bloody horror slasher.

"Don't. You. Dare. We need to talk. Let's go downstairs."

"God, Bella," he huffed. "Talk about what?" He was definitely pissed as he sank down onto the bed. My eyes went to the other side, and I silently prayed that Triple N would keep his ass down. I said another prayer to the Murphy's Law of Bodily Function Gods to please not let any wheezes, sneezes, belches, or tooters sound off unexpectedly any time soon.

"Not here. Downstairs."

He sighed. "I'm not moving until you tell me what's going on."

The man was so stupidly stubborn. But I had to get him away from Triple N. So I figured if I just left, he'd have to follow me so I turned and started to walk away, but he grabbed my arm and pulled me down on the bed next to him.

"Talk. I'm starting to get really fucking mad right now."

No way could I let Triple N hear me break up with Jared. "I need some aspirin. We can talk downstairs."

"I told you I'm not getting up. Now spit it out."

"Fine!" I shouted, causing my skull to almost crack in two. I groaned and rubbed my temples in agony. If he wanted it so badly, he was gonna get it. I was so mad at him that I decided right then and there to dump his stupid ass. I truly didn't give a crap whose ears were tuned in nearby. "I think… it's… I hate…." God, I was having a hard time getting the words out. "I want to break up."

"What?" he screamed. Well, probably not screamed, but it felt like it. My ears should have been bleeding by now. "You can't break up with me."

"This just isn't working for me anymore." I closed my eyes and massaged my temples for a moment. "We hardly ever see each other with you gone all the time, and I… I just, I don't know. You're a great guy, but this isn't going to work."

"You know I can't help it that I have to travel. How's that my fault?"

"It's not. It's just hard to have a relationship with someone who's never here."

"You knew how my job was in the beginning. It's never bothered you before. Why suddenly now? Are you cheating on me?"

"_No._" Did I cheat on him? _Did I?_ The not knowing was killing me. I so hoped I wasn't a slutty home-wrecking whorebag. And by god, if I cheated with Triple N, I really wanted to remember it. If I was a sinner, I wanted to remember the skin… I mean the sin.

"You know what? I'm tired of this too," he said with a snarl. "I've been so good to you. For the past two years, I've been trying to get this relationship to move forward, but you've just put me off every time. I wanted more with you, Bella. But you know what? Fuck you. You wanna break up? You got it. I'm done with you. I don't know why I wasted my time." He jumped off the bed and headed for the door.

"Wait. Let's not end it this way…."

He turned around and anger burned in his eyes. "And how exactly are we supposed to end it, huh? I'm just supposed to say, sure let's be friends, and just get over the fact that I've wasted the last two years of my life on you? What do you want from me?"

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you…."

"Yeah. Whatever. Too late for that," he mumbled as he turned on his heel.

"Jared?" I called out to him.

He stopped but didn't turn around. "What?"

I took in a deep breath. This was terrible timing, but had to be done. "I need my key back."

Keeping his back to me, he shoved his hand into his pocket. I could hear the jingling of the keys. He dropped the key to the carpet and left, never turning around. I grabbed my large stuffed dog that I kept shoved between my bed and my bedside table before I crawled back up on the bed and slipped under the sheets, curling up on my side. I clutched the stuffed dog to my chest as I pulled the covers over my head. It wasn't long before the tears came. Jared lashing out at me was to be expected because I hurt him. I never wanted to hurt him. But how do you break up with someone without causing pain? Without breaking their heart? It was impossible because breaking them was inevitable.

I grabbed the sheet and wiped my nose with it, not giving a crap that I'd have to do some major laundry later. I choked on a sob when I felt the bed dip. I had totally and absolutely forgotten about Triple N. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse; he had witnessed the whole thing. I felt beyond mortified. He climbed under the covers and lay on his side facing me. "You okay?" he whispered.

I wasn't okay. At all. My throat was all closed up, and I couldn't talk so I just shook my head at him.

"I'm sorry," he said softly.

The tears poured out of me. I didn't want him to see me in such a mess, but I didn't want him to leave either. I had to know if I'd bothered his bratwurst last night. So I pulled up the sheet and buried my face in it and sobbed. He didn't move, didn't touch me. He just stayed under the covers with me.

After what seemed like forever, I finally got my crying under control. Adding crying to my near-death hangover was not a good decision. I was in absolute agony. I honestly felt like I was going to die from severe head pain. I furiously wiped my face with the sheet and lowered it to look at him. He was just patiently lying there, watching me. I cleared my throat. "I don't…." My throat was so dry and scratchy, I had to pause and cough. "I don't remember much of last night. Did we…? Did I…?"

"No. Nothing happened. I helped you into bed, and you asked me to stay. Just to sleep. I laid down with you and tried to get up several times, but you kind of clung to me. I ended up falling asleep. I had no plans on spending the night with you. I'm really sorry about that."

I nodded and hiccuped. I felt so relieved. At least I wouldn't have to live with the guilt that I was a cheater. But what _did _happen last night? Did I do anything embarrassing? Flashes started coming back to me… of Jake and Rose and…. Oh, god. Rose wanted to fuck Edward. And I wanted to fuck up Rose. Things were sketchy but they were coming back in bits and pieces.

"I'll be back in a little bit, okay?" Edward asked in a soft voice.

"You can go…." I didn't really want him hanging around in my condition. I honestly never wanted to see him again. I especially didn't want him around if I suddenly remembered something that I had done last night that was incriminating or sexually deviant in nature.

"I want to stay with you," he whispered, "but I'll be right back."

I didn't respond. He must have taken my silence as an affirmation because he quietly got up, making sure to keep the covers over my head, and left the room. I racked my brain for further information on last night. I remembered that I really liked his friend Jake, and that he was a very attractive man. I hoped like hell I didn't do anything inappropriate to him... or with him. If I could just remember….

Then a word popped into my brain. _Jakey._

Oh, no. I'd called Edward's best friend Jakey. I groaned and buried my head in my pillow. He must have thought I had lost my mind. Why did I call him that? I had no idea.

Then for some strange reason, I remembered something about "even numbers". What could I have possibly been talking about that related to even numbers? Did I suddenly do math problems when I got drunk?

About that time, I heard Triple N coming back up the stairs. I didn't move, hoping that staying under the covers would somehow hide my humiliation. It sounded like he was setting something down on my nightstand.

"Bella...? Do you mind pulling the covers down a second?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

I didn't want to, but I was curious. Ever so slowly I pulled them down until they were just under my chin. Triple N was smiling at me.

"I brought you some things to help with your hangover," he said as he reached over to my nightstand. There was a tray sitting there with an assortment of items on it. "Let's start with the Ibuprofen." He handed me the pills and a bottle of water.

"Bless you," I said under my breath as I took them from him and gulped them down.

"Now this is going to seem really weird, but I promise it will help." He picked up one of those gel eye masks that you keep in the freezer that help with bags under your eyes. "Put this on your forehead instead of your eyes. It will help with the headache." I took it from him and strapped it around my head. It felt glorious on my pounding skull.

"I warmed this in the microwave. Now just put it around your neck." He handed me one of those heated wraps that was full of beans or something. I didn't know what the hell was inside that thing, but when I tucked it around my neck, it was like heaven. I closed my eyes and moaned. He chuckled. "Feels good, huh?"

"So good."

"I brought you some crackers and some juice. Are you hungry?"

My stomach was churning so I knew I needed to get something in it. "Yeah," I responded. He opened the package of crackers for me, and I took one and nibbled on it.

As I chewed, I stared at him. He had major bed-head going on. It was sticking up all over the place especially one bad section in the back. It made me want to giggle. He still had on the black shirt and grey pants from last night, but they were all wrinkled from sleeping in them. He was a hot, sexy mess. As I stared, a piece of my cracker landed on my tank top. I reached down to pick it up and realized… that a very important part of my wardrobe was missing.

"Where the hell is my bra?"

His eyes widened in surprise. "Uh, you took it off in the taxi."

My mouth dropped open. "I stripped? In the taxi?"

"No. You took it off with your top still on. You slipped it down your arms."

"Did I take my jeans off in the taxi too?"

Edward snorted. "No. You were in your bed. You… um, you had some trouble with them so you asked me to help. I helped you take them off, but I didn't look, I promise. I was on my best behavior."

I took another bite of my cracker. He sat down on the side of my bed. "Did I… did I say anything I shouldn't have last night?" I asked, terrified to hear the answer.

"Hmm..." His face grew serious. He rubbed his hand over his jaw like he was thinking really hard. "There were a few things…." I could see him fighting to keep a smile off his face.

"What did I say?"

"Nothing too awfully bad..." He lowered his voice to a whisper. "The worst part was when you… touched me."

I gasped. "I… touched you?" Shit! I knew it! I had fondled the meat, and I couldn't even remember it. I was never getting drunk ever again.

"Yes, you did."

"What did I do?"

"Well, you climbed into my lap and straddled me in the back of the taxi. It was quite unexpected."

"Oh, god. I did?"

"Yes. Then you wrapped your arms around my neck and pulled me in for a kiss."

"Oh, no." I was starting to get some more vague flash backs.

"But your lips only ended up right here," he said as he tapped his cheek.

"Thank god," I breathed in relief. I was so happy that I didn't try to bite his bratwurst. "I'm really sorry."

"No apologies necessary. I quite enjoyed it. But I have to admit that I've never been shoved out of a woman's bed before. That was definitely a first for me."

I groaned. "I… I panicked. I'm sorry… again." I had never in my life apologized to someone so many times. It was getting ridiculous.

"Apology accepted."

"Thank you… for all of this," I said as I held up my cracker. "That was really sweet of you."

"You're welcome. It was nothing."

As I finished off the remaining bit of cracker, he stood up. "Well, I'm going to head out. Try to sleep some more. It'll help you feel better."

"I will. Thanks."

"I'll check on you later." My eyes stayed on him as he exited my bedroom. When he got to the door, he turned around and smiled. Something about that small gesture did something to me. I snuggled back down under the covers, pulling them over my head again and curled up next to my stuffed animal. My head was starting to feel a bit better and within minutes, I was fast asleep.

Three hours later, I woke up… with that crazy gel mask still plastered to my forehead and that bean thingy wrapped around my neck like a noose. It's a wonder I didn't choke myself to death in my sleep. But I did feel a hell of a lot better. I threw on some pajamas and slowly made my way downstairs. Poor Diablo had been by himself for so long. I hoped the little turd ball was okay.

When I got to the gate I'd put up in the kitchen, he came out of his bed stretching. I worried for nothing, of course. He'd been sound asleep. I snatched him up and hugged him fiercely. I loved that little booger so much. He kissed my face until I was certain his tongue had to be raw. I let him outside, cleaned up the mess he made and checked my phone. There were four calls from Rose and several texts. I listened to the messages.

_3:10 a.m. "Edward bailed on me. Can you believe that shit? I thought for sure I was going home with him, especially after the way he was dancing with me. Jesus, that man is so fucking hot. Is he home? Did he bring anybody home with him last night? Shit… you were so drunk, I'm sure you wouldn't remember."_

_8:47 a.m. "Bella, answer your goddamn phone. I want you to spy on Edward and see if he brought anyone home last night. Wake the hell up and call me back, bitch."_

_10:17 a.m. "All right, I'm getting really pissy with you missy. Are you going to sleep the whole damn day away? Wake up! I bet if Edward took somebody home with him, they're gone by now. This fucking sucks…."_

_11:23 a.m. "I need my car. Wake your ass up. You're pissing me the fuck off!"_

My eyes darted to the clock. It was 11:50 a.m. Crap. I'd have to go pick her up. But why would we need to go get her car if Edward bailed on her? Oh. Realization dawned on me. She must have gone home with someone else. Yuck. Ew.

I downed some OJ, went upstairs and slipped on some jeans and a T. I tucked Diablo under my arm and climbed into my SUV. He loved taking rides. Most of the time, he would just snuggle in my lap and sleep. I sent a text off to Rose to let her know I'd be there soon. As I backed out of the driveway, I noticed a car sitting in Triple N's driveway, a black, sleek sedan with dark windows. I had no idea what kind of car he drove since I'd never seen one sitting out before, so I just assumed that it was his.

About fifteen minutes later, I pulled up to Rose's. She flung open the door and stood there in her painted-on jeans and five-inch black and silver stilettos. "It's about time you got your sorry ass up," she said with a snarl as she turned on her heel and stomped back into the house.

"I don't want to hear shit. I was drunk last night and you know that."

"I know. But that doesn't mean you have to sleep the entire day away. So, did you see anyone leaving Edward's this morning?" she asked as she opened a compact and started applying a dark red lipstick to her full lips.

I knew I needed to come clean with her about what was or wasn't going on with me and Edward. But it was so bizarre I didn't even know how to begin to explain it. "No, but Edward… well, he's… taken. Sort of."

She paused her primping and stared at me, her eyes narrowing. "What do you mean… taken?"

"He… he has someone."

"What are you talking about? Does he have a girlfriend? He's not married, is he? He sure acted like he was single last night." I swear I could see her flipping on her bullshit detector, which was highly sensitive and dead-on accurate. I don't even know why I tried lying to her. She could always see right through my shit.

"I… well, he, um…."

"What's going on?" she demanded.

"He… there's no girlfriend or wife. It's… complicated."

"You want to fuck him, don't you?" she asked, her blue eyes wide with astonishment. "You want to fuck Edward," she repeated, her incredulous laughter echoing around her living room. "I can't believe this! I should be seriously fucking pissed at you. Why didn't you tell me last night that you were interested in him? What if I'd slept with him? Jesus Christ."

"I was buzzed by the time he showed up, and besides, I don't want to… fuck him…." I was such a liar. "I just…."

"Well, this is a first," she said as she slipped her compact and lipstick back into her purse and walked over to the couch and sat, crossing her legs. I sat down beside her, keeping Diablo in my lap. "We both want the same man. I can _so_ take your skinny ass. You don't have a chance with me, Bella-bitch." My eyes darted at her. I prayed she wasn't serious because she was one big, mean scary bitch. She could seriously whoop off in my ass.

She had an "I'm gonna beat you to a pulp" look on her face. I swallowed hard. She suddenly bent over and busted out laughing hysterically. I joined her more out of relief than anything. We laughed until we both had tears in our eyes.

"No man is ever going to come between us, babe," she said as she wiped her eyes. "No matter how fine or fuckhawt he is."

"You scared me there for a minute," I said still chuckling.

"I know," she said, smiling. "You should have seen your face."

Once I got my laughing under control and wiped my eyes again, I turned to her. "Jared came by this morning."

"And?"

"We broke up."

"It's about damn time."

I then proceeded to rehash the story to Rose, leaving out the tiny fact that Edward was a witness and crouching like an animal on the floor of my bedroom.

"Well, you did the right thing. That jackass was so not good for you. And like you said… he was never around anyway because of that lame-ass job of his."

"I really hurt him, though. I never wanted to do that."

"He'll get over it. He's probably out right now hunting down his next pussy to conquer."

"You're vile, you know that?"

She shrugged. "I just tell it like it is, baby." She angled herself towards me on the couch. Diablo was lying on my lap and snarled at her. "Don't you growl at me, you little fucker," she snapped at him, which made him growl even more. "I could stomp you into the ground like a bug." Diablo stood up in my lap and proceeded to show her every fang in his little mouth. I was so proud of him. "You need to have him put down. There is something seriously wrong with that dog."

I gasped and covered Diablo's ears. "Don't say things like that. He's my sweet baby." I picked him up and hugged him to my chest. I looked down and had to giggle because his lips were curled up, fangs a flyin', growls and snarls emanating from his tiny chest. He truly looked possessed. But I didn't care. I loved that mongrel and would defend him to the death.

She rolled her eyes and sighed heavily. "So what's the story with you and Edward? I guess I'll back off and let you have him, bitch," she said with a smirk and a wink, "even though I'd give anything to roll around in the sheets with that man. God, he's fucking stunning. Does he have any brothers? Cousins? Uncles? Hell, with those genes, I'd take his wrinkled-up grandpa."

I laughed. "You're such a slut," I muttered under my breath, shaking my head at her.

"You know it, bitch."

"Speaking of, why do we have to go get your car? Did you go home with someone last night?"

"No. After Edward left me hanging, I ran into Alice and Lauren. I ended up drinking too much and had to take a taxi. And don't think this has distracted me from my earlier question about you and Edward."

I looked down at Diablo and rubbed his ears as I tried to come up with the right words to say. I didn't even know what was going on with the two of us. How could I explain the crazy nonsense that had happened between us since he moved in? "Well, there's really nothing to tell. He's… well, he's been kind of flirting, I guess you could call it." What do you call settlement offers of orgasms? Was that even considered flirting? Or just propositioning? Or whoring? "And I've been trying to tell him to get lost and that I have a boyfriend, but he doesn't seem to be getting the hint."

"Interesting. Well, let's go get my car. We can talk on the way there."

As we drove, she quizzed me like an experienced FBI interrogator. She broke me. I spilled my guts. With my face flaming, I told her every sordid detail… from watching him Roto-rootering his realtor to Diablo's vicious attack to the settlement offer.

We were parked beside her car with the engine off. She was just staring at me with her mouth hanging open. "You did not watch him having sex."

"I did, okay?" I felt nauseous; it was like I was confessing to a double homicide. "I'm a sick, sick person. I need to be jailed for my pervertedness."

She threw her head back against the seat and laughed until tears started collecting in the corners of her eyes. "Bella, this is some awesome shit. You've been such a goody two shoes since I've known you. I've always felt like a complete whore compared to you. It's so great to see you come out of your shell. It's okay to find a man like him attractive, and it's okay to want him sexually. That doesn't make you sick or anything of the sort. I just don't know why you didn't call me when he was banging the realtor so I could enjoy the show as well. I'd have actually paid to see that._  
><em>

"But what I don't get is why you haven't taken him up on his offer. It sounds like the man is a genius in bed; you've seen him perform so you know how good he is. Let him get you off. I'd have agreed to that as soon as the words left his lips," she said with a snicker.

"You know I'm not that kind of person. I dated Jared for six weeks before we had sex. I just can't do casual sex or casual orgasms or whatever. That's just not in my nature." I turned towards her. "He… he came home with me last night."

_"What?"_

"He rode home with me in the taxi, and I guess that I kind of begged him to stay. But nothing happened; he only slept there." And since all my nasty secrets were flying out of my mouth, I decided to go for the gold. "And he was there, when I broke up with Jared." I finished up the story of pushing him on his ass and him overhearing the whole ordeal.

"Jesus Christ, Bella. I can't believe the wicked shit you've gotten yourself into with this guy. It's going to be very interesting to see how this soap opera plays out."

We spent the next half hour talking in my car. When we finally said our goodbyes, I headed back home.

The dark sedan that was parked in Triple N's driveway was gone so I assumed he wasn't there. I went upstairs and put my pajamas on and went downstairs to make myself a sandwich. I was just putting everything away when there was a knock on the door. Diablo went bat-shit crazy as usual, but I managed to grab him and peeked out the door. It was Triple N.

Before I opened it, I tucked my fingers in Diablo's collar to make sure I had a good grip on him.

God, he looked fantastic. Shaved, no more bed-head, jeans and a white T. "How are you feeling?" he asked.

"Good. Thanks again, for everything you did for me."

"No problem. I'm glad you're feeling better. I brought you a present," he said with a little boy grin on his face. He held the box he was holding out for me to take, but I couldn't because I had Diablo squirming and growling in my arms.

"Um… I need to…."

"Wait," he said. He held the box in one hand and lifted the lid. I leaned in and saw the most decadent display of chocolate I'd ever seen in my life. There were little fancy decorated cakes, truffles, some kind of gooey brownie concoction and a couple of chocolate cupcakes. It was a chocoholic's wet dream come true.

"Holy shit," I breathed out. "This is for me?"

He nodded. "I thought you could use something to cheer you up… after this morning. And chocolate is always a comforting thing."

This man was smart, really smart. Trying to worm his way into my panties by being sweet and bringing me chocolates. I wanted to just rip my underwear off right then and there. He had me as soon as he said chocolate. I reached my hand out to take one of the truffles when he suddenly snapped the box lid closed on my hand, causing me to shriek loudly and jump about a foot off the ground.

Obviously, he found my reaction to be hilarious as he busted out laughing. "Uh huh, no chocolate for you until you put that demonic rat up."

"God, you scared the shit out of me." I panted a couple of times, trying to catch my breath. "Come in. I'll put him up."

After tucking Diablo in his crate, I came out to find Triple N in my kitchen, leaning up against my center island.

"Want something to drink?" I asked as I washed my hands.

"Sure. Got milk?"

I smiled. "Mmhm..." I poured us each a cup and handed him one.

"Try this one first," he said as pointed to one of the brownies. It had a layer of caramel and pecans oozing out of the middle. I took a bite and moaned like a wanton whore. The gooey, chocolaty, caramely goodness literally melted in my mouth. For a minute, I totally forgot that Triple N was there. I was all wrapped up in the sweet goodness that was going on in my mouth. I opened my eyes, and Edward's eyes were dark as he stared at my lips. His lips were parted, and he was definitely breathing harder. The way he looked at me instantly made me wet. On my lips. Not the lips on my face.

He picked up a piece and took a bite and closed his eyes. "Mm… so damn good." He had a bit of chocolate on the corner of his mouth. It took everything in me not to reach over and suck his lip in my mouth and clean it off for him.

"Thank you for this…." I said, holding up the brownie. "But just because I broke up with my boyfriend, and you give good chocolate that doesn't change anything. I'm still not going to sleep with you."

"I assure you I give more than just good chocolate," he said in a husky voice, smirking at me.

"Is that all you think about? Sex?"

"Not normally. But for some reason, it seems to be all I think about when I'm around you."

"Oh, so it's my fault that dirty things keep coming out of your mouth?"

"Yes, it is your fault. There's just something about you, Isabella."

"Well, it's not going to happen."

He didn't seem to be phased at all by my rejection. In fact, he was almost gloating. "That's fine, but how about this? I'm new to the neighborhood and am in need of a friend-"

"You don't need a friend. You've got Jake."

He smiled. "Well, if I remember correctly, you had plans to steal him away from me."

"I did?" I racked my brain for a minute and remembered now why I'd called him Jakey. I wanted him to be my best friend. Jesus, I'm such a moron. Jake had to think I was nuts.

"Yes, you did. But let's just hang out as friends. I still haven't met any of the other neighbors yet. You could introduce me."

"But what about your, uh, settlement offer?" My face was feeling hot again. "Are you going to keep harassing me about that?"

"No. We'll just suspend that momentarily. But the offer will still stand if you ever wish to take me up on it." He grinned cheekily.

"So just friends?"

He nodded. "Just friends."

"I suppose," I agreed reluctantly.

"All right. Well, I hate to run, but I have a family dinner tonight that I have to attend."

I followed him to the front door. "Okay. Thanks again for the chocolate."

"You're welcome." He turned around with a sexy half-grin on his face. "Oh, I forgot to ask you… what the hell does Triple N stand for?" All of the air swooshed out of my body as I gasped loudly, and he wiggled his bushy eyebrows at me seductively.

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><p><strong>AN: Happy Thanksgiving! ;))))**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I'm having way too much fun writing this story. ;) Hehe. I have so enjoyed all of your reviews. You guys make me smile so much.**

**My poor beta, Twilifed113, has been losing sleep working on my chappies lately. She is an amazing individual, and I can't thank her enough. And I have a new pre-reader! My fabulous and beloved friend, Lfcpam! She and gjficfan are so fantastic at finding all of my stupid crap and fixing it. I love you both dearly.**

**SM owns Twilight.**

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><p><strong><em>MY DEVIL<em>**

**_CHAPTER 6_**

"Arrrggghhhh. This sucks!" I screeched to my audience of one, Diablo, as I tried to button my jeans. And couldn't. This was all Triple N's fault. My wicked neighbor was the sole reason that I couldn't get my jeans to fasten. Infuriated, I flopped down on the bed on my back and sucked my gut in as hard as I possibly could, all to no avail. The damn things would not button. Angrily, I stripped them off and flung them across the room. I wanted to hurt something… or some_one_, a particular _sexy _someone.

Stomping into my bathroom, I dragged out my scale. I screamed in horror as it revealed that I'd gained five pounds. Five_ fucking_ pounds all because of… _him_; him and his evil box of devilishly delicious chocolaty delights. I shook my fist in the direction of his house and let loose every obscenity that I could muster. That _man,_ in a very short time, had turned my world upside down. He'd turned me into a pervnasty peepholing hornyful stalkenator as well as a bratwurst-coveting, boyfriend-dumping, _fat ass_. I truly despised that sexy beast.

As I started to exit the bathroom, I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror and did a double take, my eyes widening in shock. "What the fucking hell?" I shouted as I pulled my face to within inches of the mirror for a better look. There, sitting on my chin, was a monstrous zit the size of Utah. Unbelievable… that's exactly what I needed. The big cherry on the sundae; it looked like the damn cherry had flung itself off the sundae and was hanging off my chin. I was now a pizza-faced fat ass all because of him, him and his stupid box of chocolate shit that I'd been drowning myself in for the last three days straight.

I grumbled as I grabbed a tube of zit cream out of the cabinet and put a huge glop of it on Mount St. Helen's which had relocated from 100 miles away to the right side of my chin. I stomped back into my bedroom and grabbed the first pair of sweatpants my hands touched and yanked them on with a huff. My day was not starting out well, not at all. And I was completely exhausted because the chocolate had given me insomnia. I almost called in sick today so I could stay in bed, but I made myself get up.

This was one of those days where working at home was a real challenge. I didn't have a boss breathing down my neck to get my ass out out bed. So I could have stayed under my warm blankets if I wanted to and started my work day later, but whenever I did that, I almost always regretted it. I hated having to work late at night to try to get my hours in. It stressed me out.

I slowly dragged myself downstairs and flipped on the coffee pot. I made extra because I knew I wouldn't be able to stay awake today unless I got some major caffeine floating in my system. My eyes narrowed as I caught a glimpse of that bastard box of offensive chocolates sitting on my center island mocking me and looking all innocent with its pretty bow sitting on top. I grabbed the bow and ripped it off, cramming it down in my trash can. I then shoved the box on top of it and actually used my foot to stomp on it. I got off balance and had to grab onto the counter and hang on for dear life so I didn't bust my ass, but I didn't care. It felt good pounding on it.

Before I knew it, my addicted peepazoid self was at the window again looking for… the hated one. I just couldn't help myself. My addiction was deep. The force was strong with me. I was a sick 'lil peepin' Padawan.

Sighing and rolling my eyes at my insanely stupid thoughts, I stepped away from the window… still no Triple N. I hadn't seen him since Sunday night when he'd dropped off the chocolates and asked me what Triple N stood for. And I responded by slamming the door in his face. I felt horrible after I did it. But I immediately looked through the peephole, and saw him standing there laughing his ass off. He was still laughing as he started walking back towards his house, so I didn't bother opening the door. I was just too humiliated. I still had no idea how he found out about his nickname. I must have drunken-jabbered it. I've always had a problem with the loose lips when it comes to the drink.

Feeling depressed and sorry for myself, I gulped down three cups of coffee with my breakfast, managing to singe my tongue in the process. I was nervous about Triple N. There was a feeling that kept gnawing at me that I had somehow scared him off for good. The man had to have a breaking point, and I feared that I'd found it. Even though I had repeatedly told him I wasn't interested in his sexual advances, I didn't want him to just disappear and stop with the sexual advances. I wanted him to stick around. I'm not sure why. I guess I liked him bothering me or something. Or maybe I wanted him around for some more live porn shows. But then an image of him and his realtor on the kitchen table flashed before my eyes, and I felt a twist of pain in my chest. What was that? I didn't care who he slept with. That was _his_ business.

I sighed and dropped my face into my hands. I was so full of the shits. I was totally lying to myself. It bothered me like hell. No more porn for Triple N. Unless I was the star attraction.

"Fuck," I murmured to myself as I rubbed my hands over my face, making sure to not touch the landmine on my chin. It was starting to throb; I'd have to take some Tylenol for it later. My life was a mess. I poured myself a fourth cup of coffee and slowly headed to my office not happy at all at having to start my work day.

By noon, I'd ingested six and a half cups of coffee loaded with sugar and cream. Any thoughts of being tired or sleepy were no longer an issue as I was completely wired. My leg bounced under my desk like an out-of-control jackhammer, and my left eye started twitching uncontrollably. I rubbed and tugged on my eyelid, trying to get the twitches to stop, but nothing worked. It looked like I'd suddenly developed a case of Tourette's. I was so hyped up with the leg bouncing that I was afraid that I might launch into a full sprint at any moment.

My phone rang. I jumped out of my seat, snatched it off my desk, and started jogging in place when I answered it

"You're not still sitting around moping over that jackass you broke up with, are you?" Rose asked.

"No," I half-lied. Of course I was still moping over it, but I sure as hell wasn't sitting at the moment. I felt terrible for hurting Jared. Everything that was happening to me today was probably my punishment for what I'd done to him… the fatness, the zit, the tic, the jitters. Nah, it was all Triple N's fault.

Rose snorted. "You can't lie to me. I'm coming over tonight so be prepared."

The jogging wasn't helping especially since I was now having a difficult time breathing on top of it. So I sat down and let the leg start jack hammering again. "Fine."

"And I want you to make me some of those shrimp rolls."

"I can't. I'd have to go to the store to get the ingredients, and I-" Shit, I hated that beautiful bitch.

"Exactly. You're probably still sitting around in your pajamas."

"I'm dressed," I argued. Not attractively. Actually, I probably wouldn't be seen dead outside my house in the clothes I was wearing, but they _weren't_ my PJ's.

"Shrimp rolls. I'll be there at seven o'clock. Have it ready."

"Fine, _Rosy-Posy bitch._"

She laughed lightly. "You love me. You'd be lost without me to keep your ass in line."

"I don't think so."

I was so angry at her, but I knew she was doing it for my own good. I was wallowing. I hadn't left the house for the last three days, and I had no intentions of leaving any time soon. Up until her demand a few minutes ago, and of course she knew that. I decided that even though I wanted to punch her in her tit for doing that to me, I forgave her for her bitchified ways. She was a good friend and was trying to snap me out of my funk.

After we hung up, I logged out of my computer, and looked down at Diablo sitting in my lap curled up in a ball. He was sound asleep with not a care in the world. I was jealous of him, jealous of a mean-as-a-snake, rat-sized mutt. The only problems he had to deal with in his little life were shitting and eating. "Hey, cooty-pooty," I cooed to him. His ears immediately perked up as he looked intently into my face. "Give me a kiss," I said. I'd been trying to teach him some tricks. His tail started to wag. "Give me a kiss," I said again, pointing to my nose. "Right here… Come on, sweetie pie, give mommy a kiss right here." He stood up in my lap, his little body shaking all over with excitement. Faster than a rattlesnake, he jumped on my chest and bit the tip of my nose. "Ouch! Damn it," I shouted, grabbing my schnozz. "Kiss, not bite, you moron," I said, scolding him. I swore he smirked at me.

With a huff and still rubbing the end of my nose, I sat him down on the floor with one hand. I stood up and did some leg stretching to try to work out the jitters. Heading to the kitchen, I fixed a sandwich for lunch and let Diablo out. I was just putting the turkey back in the fridge when someone knocked on the door. I furiously rubbed my spasming eye as I walked to the front of my house. Glancing out the peephole with my non-fluttering good eye, I inhaled sharply, shocked to see Triple N standing there.

I slowly opened the door and froze because there stood Mr. GQ himself in a charcoal suit, blue shirt, and striped tie holding a brown paper bag at his side. He was so ridiculously good-looking that it was almost comical. It was like he'd stepped off the pages of a magazine.

He'd obviously seen my blatant ogling because he smirked. "Mind if I come in?" he asked.

Shrugging, I opened the door wider so he could step inside. "What are you doing here?" I asked.

He gave me a funny look, his brows scrunching together. "What's on your chin?" he asked, staring at it.

My eyes widened and my hand darted to my chin, covering it. "Nothing," I mumbled. I'd forgotten about the eruption of Mount St. Helen's on my face, and the pile of lava I'd slathered all over it. My left eye started going to town with those damn twitches again. So keeping my hand on my chin, I used my other hand to furiously rub my eye, trying to get the fucking spasms to stop. I finally just gave up and dropped my hand and looked up at him, my eye twitching away. I did _not_ drop the hand covering the volcano.

"What's wrong with your eye?" he asked, stepping closer to me and watching it quiver.

"_Nothing,_" I said again, but in a much whinier voice. Instinctively, my hand flew up to cover my eye. I suddenly wished that I was a Muslim-practicing pirate. That way I would have a veil to cover my gigantic zit and an eye-patch to cover my jittery eyelid. Oh… and I could wear one of those long robes Muslim women wear to cover my _fat ass!_

I watched Triple N with my one uncovered eye as his lips started twitching. He must have had quite a bit of coffee this morning as well.

He covered his mouth and had a full-on coughing fit. He coughed and hacked for a few minutes before he finally got himself under control. "Sorry about that," he said, coughing some more. "Have you had lunch? I brought Chinese." He held up the brown bag with a grin.

More food… I wondered if he had a thing for fat chicks because it seemed like he was determined to turn me into a lard butt. However, Chinese wasn't _that_ fattening and it sure sounded a hell of a lot better than my turkey sandwich that was sitting on my kitchen counter.

"No, you have perfect timing. I was just getting ready to eat," I said with my chin and eye still covered up with my hands. It was kind of hard to talk like that and definitely difficult to see. His lips twitched again, and he started biting on his lower lip. He'd definitely consumed some caffeine.

Turning, I walked towards the kitchen and he followed. "Sorry I've not been around," he said from behind me. "I've got a big case I'm working on so I've been putting in a ton of hours at the office."

"That's okay," I mumbled back. Once I got to the center island in my kitchen, I turned around to face him wishing like hell I had that Muslim-pirate get-up because there was no way I was going to be able to get plates and drinks out while trying to hide half of my face.

I threw my hands up in surrender and somehow mistook my kitchen as a confessional because my mouth opened and all my sins came pouring out. "Look, I have a giant zit on my chin because of that chocolate shit you gave me, all right? And I put a bunch of zit cream on it," I admitted, my face igniting like a Bunsen burner. "And my eye is twitching because I drank a ton of coffee this morning so I could stay awake enough to work. I've not slept for the last couple of nights because of that damn chocolate. It gave me a really bad case of insomnia. And on top of everything else, I gained five pounds," I moaned, dropping my heat lamp face into my hands.

I heard some choking sounds and then howling, hee-hawing laughter coming from my lunch guest. He sounded like he was dying, he was laughing so hard. Slowly, I lifted my head and glared at him with my one good eye while my other eye winked and squinted at him repeatedly. The delicious ass was bent over holding his stomach. He gasped and took one look at my wiggin' out eye and started laughing hysterically again. He had to brace himself against my center island to hold himself up he was laughing so hard. "It's not _that_ funny!" I shouted at him as I turned around and started angrily pulling out plates and cups. I was so pissed that he was laughing at my pain, especially when _he_ was the cause of my pain. _Asswipe._

"Oh, shit," he panted, wiping the tears from his eyes. "You…." He paused and gave me a strange look then shook his head. "Bella, you have no idea how nice it is to laugh like that. This week has been hell. I'm so glad I was able to get away from the office for a little bit today and come see you."

I didn't know what to say so I just hummed, shrugged my shoulders, and grabbed the bag of food. "So what did you bring?" I asked as I started pulling boxes out.

"I didn't know what you liked so I got a couple of different things: Chicken Chow Mein, Moo Goo Gai Pan, and Kung Pao Chicken, which happens to be my favorite."

"Really? I usually order Kung Pao, too. But I'll eat just about any kind of Chinese as long as it doesn't include any meows or bow-wows." He chuckled.

Opening the fridge, I quickly stuck my turkey sandwich back into it. "What do you want to drink? I've got Coke, Diet Coke, and Lite Beer. And water and milk."

"Definitely no Lite Beer," he said with a laugh as he made a cringing face. "Coke's fine."

I quickly poured our drinks, and we started diving into the food, piling it onto our plates. "What happened to your pool guys?" I asked as I sat down at the kitchen table. "I haven't seen them around." He flipped his tie over his shoulder and tucked a napkin into his shirt as a bib, which made me smile.

He sighed. "They had a problem with one of the work permits and had to halt construction. Did you know it takes two to four months to install a concrete pool?"

"No way!" I'd never heard of such a thing.

"It's true," he said before wiping his mouth with his napkin. "It probably won't be done before summer is over with, but I'm going to have it enclosed in glass and heated so I'll be able to use it all year long."

"Wow. That'll be awesome."

I hoped and prayed that Mr. Moneybags was a skinny dipper.

"So what's this big case you've got going on that's keeping you so busy? What kind of law do you practice?" I asked. My eyelid started buggin' out again so I just kept my hand on it, rubbing it so that he wouldn't have to stare at the anomaly. But it was starting to get on my nerves, and it was kind of hard to eat like that. Then I got concerned that my zit could be making Triple N nauseous. I know I'd be nauseous if I had to try to eat and look at something as revolting as that.

"Hang on a sec," I mumbled as I jumped up from the table. Opening the cabinet by the sink, I grabbed a SpongeBob Band-Aid. I ran into the living room, found my purse, and dug out my _Fly_ sunglasses. Stepping into the bathroom, I put the Band-Aid on my chin covering the eruption. I slipped on my giant sunglasses and sighed with relief. Those massive lenses were so big that I could twitch all I wanted behind them in peace and quiet. He'd never see a thing. I looked absolutely ridiculous, but at least he wouldn't vomit trying to eat his lunch.

Walking back into the kitchen, he took one look at me and started choking on his Kung Pao. A piece of chicken actually flew out of his mouth onto the table.

"You okay there?" I asked as I smacked him on the back. His back felt good, all muscular and strong. I suddenly longed to be that weirdo magician David Blaine so that I could make his suit jacket and fancy shirt disappear into a puff of smoke.

He nodded and threw up one hand in kind of a wave to let me know he was all right but kept coughing.

Sitting back down, I started eating again, feeling relaxed that my zit and tic were hidden. "Oh yeah, tell me about your job."

He coughed a couple more times before he cleared his throat roughly. "It's nothing too exciting," he said before he cleared his throat _again_. The poor man must have sucked a chunk of Kung Pao down the wrong pipe. "I work for _Masen Industries_. I'm one of several attorneys that work there as house counsel."

"_Masen Industries_…." I contemplated. That name sounded so familiar.

"They're the world's leading latex manufacturer. They produce latex for surgical gloves, athletic shoes, balloons, and so on." He leaned towards me, grinning. "And yes, before you ask, condoms are at the top of that list."

I giggled as I adjusted my sunglasses on my nose. "So how long have you worked there?"

"Two years. Before that I worked for a little-known software company located here in Seattle," he said, cocking an eyebrow at me.

"Wow, impressive. Why did you leave?"

"I was bored," he said shrugging. "_Masen_ offered me a lot more money, better perks so it was worth it."

No wonder he bought a house in this neighborhood and was putting a heated pool in his backyard. I would have never been able to afford this house based on my salary alone. When my dad died, he had a large insurance policy to which Jasper and I were the sole beneficiaries. I took my share, paid off my remaining student loans and put the rest as a large down payment on this place. It wasn't my smartest move considering the volatility of the real estate market as of late, but I loved this house dearly and was happy with my decision.

I internally cringed as I thought about Jasper. If he ever got a divorce, which I hoped he would someday, he'd have to give her half his share of our dad's money. At least he'd been smart about things from the beginning. He never told Tanya about the money. When he initially got the check from the insurance company, he only bought one thing, and that was a motorcycle. After that, he paid off his student loans and put the rest in savings. He has trust funds that he set up in the kid's names, but Tanya has no clue that there are savings accounts totaling more than a quarter of a million dollars sitting right under her snooty nose. She'd shit a solid gold brick if she knew that.

Why the hell was I thinking about my brother when I had Triple N sitting in front of me? What was he just saying? Oh, yeah. "So what in the world kind of pressing case do you have going on involving latex?" I asked. Latex… I wondered if he'd model a latex condom for me, right now, or maybe some latex bondage. The pictures my brain conjured up were wrong, so very wrong.

"Patents," he said with disgust. "I'm in the middle of patent hell right now."

"Patents? That sounds _really_ exciting."

"It is, let me assure you," he replied smiling and shaking his head.

"So what is the process one has to go through in order to get a patent?"

"Well, you have to file a…." I didn't listen to a word he said after that. Come on… it was about patents. That was some seriously boring shit. However, I did watch his lips, with one eye… the one that didn't twitch. The. Entire. Time. secretly, behind my big ass shades. And I watched his facial expressions. His face was so expressive when he talked, constantly shifting from one expression to the next. I discovered that his face wasn't as perfect as I initially thought. His nose was actually quite crooked and his face was very asymmetrical. But, somehow, it all worked together to create a gorgeous, likable masterpiece.

I also watched his hands. He had unusually long, beautiful fingers. But mainly I focused on those lips. They were the most beautiful set of lips I'd ever seen. His upper lip had just the right amount of plumpness to it. Not too thin, not too thick. His lower lip stuck out just a little bit more than the top so it looked kind of pouty, and cute, and very suck able. I especially liked it when his tongue would sneak out and wet them. It was heaven. One day, I wanted to touch those lips. What was the mandatory waiting period required between dumping a boyfriend and humping a neighbor? I'd have to Google that.

"… and that's probably more than you ever wanted to know about patents. Are you still awake?" he asked with a lopsided grin.

"Barely," I answered, mustering up a loud, fake yawn to add to it. I really got into it, patting my mouth numerous times and stretching my arms over my head. He laughed, loudly.

Smiling, I watched him for a moment. The differences in the two of us sitting at my table were hysterical. He looked like a runway model in that suit of his, and I looked like a goon. My napkin dropped to the floor so I leaned down to pick it up. My mouth gaped open as I stared at his Italian leather shoes. I glanced down at my bare feet with my dark purple toenail polish, and I started giggling.

"What?" he asked as I sat up.

I shook my head. "Nothing," I mumbled as I stood up and started cleaning the table off and packing up the leftovers.

He stood, leaning against the center island, watching me. "So, I shouldn't buy you chocolate anymore?" he asked, grinning at me like a fool.

"Ha!" I barked in response. "I _loved_ the chocolate… too much. That's the problem. Once I get started, I can't stop, except for the ones that had coconut in them. Yuck. Those got thrown away immediately."

"You don't like coconut?"

"Hate it. To me, it's like eating the hairy stuff on the _outside_ of the coconut."

He chuckled as I put the dishes in the sink.

"And now I'm going to have to do a lot of jogging to work off these five pounds," I told him.

"I've got a way you could-" His eyes went wide as he slapped his hand over his mouth.

"Huh?" The taking-forever-to-turn-on light bulb that was hovering above my head finally switched on.

That pervert. A vision of me and Triple N in the sack writhing in sweat flashed in my mind. I bet he could help me burn five pounds. But how could he even remotely think of something sexual when I looked so revolting? My mind was constantly in the gutter over him, but that's because he looked so fuckhawt in that suit he was wearing. I couldn't help it. "You promised…." I reminded him.

"Sorry," he muttered. "It just slipped out."

And my mind went straight to the badlands. There was definitely something I wanted to slip out. I wanted his bratwurst to slip out of that suit and slip inside of me.

"So do you jog?" he asked.

"No… not until someone brought me chocolate and put five pounds on my ass."

He laughed. "Let's jog together," he suggested, grinning.

My mouth gaped in horror. "I don't think so."

"Look, I feel terribly guilty that I am the reason that you have five extra pounds on your… ass," he said, holding up his hands defensively. "Those were your words, not mine. Besides, jogging is something friends would do together. I'm going to be busy the rest of the week with work so how about we do it Saturday morning?"

"_No_." I almost screamed the word at him. What if I fell on my face? Well, that might not be so bad if I fell on that big zit. I'd rather have road rash on there than that gigantic pimple.

"Come on. It'll be fun. I'll come by around eight."

I groaned. "No. This is a terrible idea." Did he have any idea the horrors that could happen while jogging? With me involved? The man was a glutton for punishment.

"Please?" he asked in his silken voice. His green eyes turned all puppy dog on me. God, he looked so cute I wanted to pet his hair.

Frowning, I shook my head. "This is a really, really bad idea."

"It'll be great. I promise."

I rolled my eyes but he couldn't see them behind my shades. "Fine," I huffed. "But since you're an attorney, I'm telling you right now that I will not be held responsible for anything that might happen to you. And I'd like that in writing."

"I'll take my chances," he said with a smirk.

"You are a brave, brave man."

He pushed away from the counter. "Well, I have to get back to work," he said sadly, like he didn't want to leave. It made me feel good. I honestly didn't want him to leave either. "I enjoyed having lunch with you."

"Me too… and thanks for the Chinese. Oh, and don't forget your leftovers," I added.

"You keep them."

"Okay," I replied with a shrug. I followed him to the front door, my good eye and twitchy eye darting back and forth between his fine ass and broad shoulders. He turned around to face me. "Well, I'll see you Saturday morning. Oh, and can I have your number, just as a friend?" He smiled and his eyes twinkled. "That way if something comes up and I have to cancel on Saturday I can call you?"

I kind of half-shrugged and half-nodded. He pulled out his phone and handed it to me; I added my number and handed it back.

"Bye," he said which I reciprocated with a little wave. He opened the door then looked back over his shoulder. "Oh. And Isabella?" he asked, a serious expression on his face.

"Yeah…?" I answered.

His lips twitched again, and his eyes danced with amusement. "I _really_ wish I could kiss it." His voice was all husky and filled with longing. He let out a low chuckle as he turned, letting go of my glass screen door and walking down my sidewalk.

Frowning, I stared after him. I quickly opened the door again. "Kiss what?" I yelled out to him. He just smiled and waved as he climbed into a convertible green Porsche. He looked so fucking hot in that car. He backed out of my driveway and waved again before he took off down the street.

"Kiss what?" I mumbled in irritation. It was driving me insane. I had no idea what the hell he was talking about. Had he been checking out my lips like I'd checked out his? I let Diablo in and went back into my office, my brain furtively trying to figure out his secret message. Sitting down in my chair, I leaned over and picked Diablo up to put him in my lap, and that's when it hit me. I had totally forgotten. On the back side of my ratty sweatpants written in hot pink letters was "Kiss It" with a big set of lips below it.

Holy hell, Triple N wanted to kiss my ass.

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><p><strong>AN: Bahahaha! ;) See you soon! **


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Thank you to each and every one of you that has left a review. Reviews to me are like big, fat paychecks. They make writing this so much fun because I adore hearing from you.**

**My beautiful beta Twilifed113 is like marshmallows on top of my yummy hot chocolate. I love her fiercely. And my pre-readers gjficfan and Lfcpam are amazing and continue to wow me.**

**No eating or drinking while reading this. ;)**

**SM owns Twilight.**

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><p><strong><em>MY DEVIL<em>**

**_CHAPTER 7_**

"Take that, you bitches!" Rose yelled triumphantly as she threw her cards across the table with a flick of her wrist. With a pompous, puffed-up braggadocios grin on her flawless face, she stood, and immediately started grooving her victory dance. Her body gyrated in a vulgar fashion as she slowly turned, wiggling her giant ass at us, making me want to regurgitate the BBQ cocktail weenies I'd just consumed.

"That bitch always wins," Alice moaned woefully beside me before she dropped her head to the table and started quietly banging it.

I placed my hand on her back and started rubbing it sympathetically. "I know. She cheats. There's no other explanation."

"I know what it is," Victoria piped in from across the table. "It's because that Ice Queen has made a deal with the devil. I have never in all my life seen anybody that can lie the way she can." Her eyes narrowed into tiny slits as she stared at Rose who was still grinding out her domination dance. The super bitch had amped it up by adding some "_yes's_" and some "_oh, yeah, baby's_" to her grindage. I wanted to pick up my chair and hit her over the head with it. "You need to move to Vegas," Victoria continued, shouting at Rose. "I'll pay for your moving charges if you leave tonight." I busted out laughing.

It was Friday, and we were having poker night at my house. The poker night that had to be rescheduled due to my last-minute babysitting stint the weekend before. Of course Rose was annihilating us. That Bitch Tits McGee was on a roll at least for the moment. It was all because of that highly-sensitive, dead-on-balls-accurate bullshit detector she possessed. She could see right through every one of us. We all hated her for it. The least that boasting, big-boobed bitch could do was let one of us win every once in a while, but _noooo_… she had to win every… single… time. Then painfully rub it in our faces.

But I had plans for her. I was going to sneak and stack the deck when no one was looking. Alice was going to get a royal flush thanks to me, and Rose would be getting shit. That bragging boobadeer needed to be knocked down a shelf or two.

"I'm getting more beer," Lauren announced as she pushed away from the table angrily. "Who wants one?"

We all shouted simultaneously except for Alice, who was abstaining since she was the designated driver for the evening. Rose was still over there showboating, shaking her big booty against my table and looking over her shoulder at us with a gloating expression. She was all wrapped up in herself and her joyous jubilation. I'd show her some jubilation. I yanked off one of my black Chucks and chucked it at her, whopping her hard on her right butt cheek. It was impossible to miss that big ole ass.

"Ouch. What the fuck, Bella? I can't believe you did that," she yelled as she picked up my shoe and hurled it back at me. Thankfully, I was prepared and ducked as it whizzed past my head.

"Stop rubbing your big fat ass in our faces, all right?" I shouted back at her as I stood and picked up my shoe. "Enough is enough."

She rolled her eyes. "You all are so jealous that you don't have my skills."

"What?" Victoria asked. "Your hookah skills?"

We all busted out laughing, except Rose. "Ah, fuck you all," she snarled as she scraped all of our pennies into a monstrous pile in front of her.

I was slipping my shoe back on when Alice leaned over to me. "How's Jasper?" she asked quietly.

Sighing, I placed my elbow on the table and leaned my head on it as I gazed at her. My sweet, precious, adorable friend was in love with my very married-with-children, unavailable brother. It pained me to no end to see her pining over him. Alice and I met about a year ago. My former neighbors that moved were her cousins. They had a family cookout one weekend and invited me over and that's when I met Alice. We hit it off immediately. Not too long after we met, I invited her over for a girl's night of chick flicks, pizza and beer when Jasper stopped by unannounced with Jack. Tanya was at home pregnant with Raine at the time. Alice took one look at my handsome bro and fell in love… Instantly, achingly, irrevocably.

"He's fine," I said sadly as I grabbed her hand and squeezed it. I felt so badly for her. To be so in love with someone that you could never be with. It made my heart hurt. Even though I wanted Jasper to dump Tanya's snootyville ass more than anything in the freaking world, I knew he probably never would. He was just too nice and full of goodness and morals and shit that I didn't possess.

She sighed softly and nodded. "How are the kids?"

"Good. They're getting so big. I've got some new pics on my phone," I said as I retrieved it from my pocket. I pulled up the pictures I'd taken of them when I babysat them last weekend and handed it to her.

"They're so beautiful," she whispered. "Just like Jasper."

Her love for them was so uncomplicated. She loved his children simply because they were a part of him.

Lauren came back into the dining room with her hands full of beers. "I'm getting more snacks," she announced as she sat the beers down in front of us. "Does anyone else want to get seconds with me?" she asked. Alice quickly handed me back my phone, and we all made our way into the kitchen to get more food.

"I'm done with poker," Victoria said before shoving a weenie in her mouth.

"I'm not," I chirped. We had to keep playing so I could cheat and win our pennies back, damn it.

It was like I hadn't even spoken. "Let's gossip," Victoria countered with a mouth full of wiener.

"I-" I barely got out that one vowel before Rose's enormous, loud mouth rudely interrupted me.

"Bella dumped Jared," she practically shouted.

I couldn't believe that giant-lipped baboon had exposed me like that. I was so pissed at her. I hadn't told anyone except for her; I just wasn't ready to talk about it yet. Of course everyone gasped and was shocked and asked me a ton of questions, to which I didn't have any answers.

"And have you seen her new neighbor?" Rose asked. "Holy fuck, he's so damn hot, just one glimpse of him, and he'll melt your panties right off your pussy."

I gasped because if she told them about my porn peepage or the orgasm offer, I was going to go ape shit on her ass and beat that baboon so hard that... that... I didn't know what would happen other than I'd give her some pain.

"_Rose,_" I hissed as I grabbed her arm and yanked her as hard as I could up out of her chair.

"What the hell?" she yelled. "Let me the fuck go." No way was I letting her go. I dragged her into my bathroom and slammed the door behind us. I turned on the exhaust fan to create some noise to block anyone from hearing our conversation.

"What do you think you're doing?" I demanded. "I haven't told any of them about Jared and most definitely not about Edward. Don't you dare tell them about me watching him ream his realtor," I said in my most threatening voice as I stood on my tiptoes and pointed my index finger in her face. "Or about his O offer. If you do, I'll… I'll, I will kill you. I'm not sure how, but I'll Google it to make sure that it's very slow and excruciatingly painful."

"Jesus Christ, Bella. I wasn't going to tell them about that shit. I just wanted them to see how fucking hot-"

"Well, you were sure spouting all of my business to them."

"Have you seen how many beers I've had?"

I sighed. I hadn't been keeping track, but I knew she'd tossed back quite a few. I'd only had one. No way was I getting trashed when I had to go – jogging, god help me – with Edward in the morning.

"Well, keep your mouth shut, got it?"

"Yeah. Sorry," she apologized with a grin. "You know I love you, right?" She grabbed me in a hard hug. "You're my favorite person in the world."

I giggled. Whenever Rose was buzzed, she turned into a big softy. Beer helped to thaw her icy, hard-assed exterior. "I _guess_ I love you," I replied with a snicker. But then I got serious again. "As long as you keep your trap shut."

We exited the bathroom and heard loud noises coming from the front of the house. Walking into the living room, my mouth dropped open in disbelief. There stood Triple N pushed up against the back of my front door with Lauren and Victoria hanging all over him and Alice trying to pull them off.

"What the hell is going on?" I yelled.

"Edward is so fucking hot," Victoria slurred as she pinched his ass. Edward jumped and made a noise. His eyes were huge as he stared at me with a "help me" look on his face.

I was ready to beat some drunken asses. But before I could bust Victoria upside her red head, Rose came plowing past me. "That's my man right there. You bitches better get away from him, or I'll kick your scrawny asses." She stumbled and ended up shoving Lauren in the process.

"Stop it, right now!" I shouted angrily. "Lauren and Victoria, get your asses into the kitchen. Now," I said with authority as I pointed. They whined and sulked, but finally obeyed.

"Rose, Edward is not your man, remember? Now Alice is going to take you into the kitchen and give you some water, okay?"

"Okay," she said. "I love you, Bella-bitch. And he's really, really fucking hot, isn't he?" she said with a giggle.

Edward's eyes were on me; I could feel them. "Yes, he is," I said quietly as Alice helped Rose into the kitchen.

I cleared my throat. "I'm really sorry. I can't believe my friends molested you like that."

"I have to say I wasn't expecting that when I came over here. That pinch to the ass kind of hurt," he said with a smile as he rubbed his backside. I considered offering to rub it for him but decided not to.

"Yeah… that was really embarrassing. Sorry. They're all drunk, except for me and Alice. What are you doing here?"

"Oh. Well, I wanted to see if I could borrow a trash bag. I ran out."

I frowned, thinking that was a really odd request so late at night. "Um, sure… let me go grab one." I quickly darted into the kitchen and got one and handed it to Edward.

"You having a party tonight or something?" he asked.

I nodded. "Poker night with my girlfriends."

"Ah. Well, thanks for the bag," he said as he held it up. "Are we still on for tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I guess."

He grinned. "Okay. I'll see you then."

We said our goodbyes and he left.

I went back into the kitchen and was so tempted to get drunk. All they talked about was the glorious Edward and his fuckhawtness level. After what seemed like forever, they finally quit talking about him when Victoria mentioned she had met a new guy named James. She blabbed our ears off about him and his ability to give her multiple orgasms.

We spent the rest of the evening in my kitchen, snacking and talking, and guzzling beer except for me and Alice. I was never able to convince them to play any more poker so Rose happily went home still gloating with all of our pennies in her bulging pockets.

As soon as they were out the door, I went into the laundry room and snatched Diablo out of his cage. I kissed his little ugly mug and let him outside. After a quick clean-up of the kitchen, I let him back in and darted upstairs to throw on my tank, shorts and running shoes in preparation for… the dreaded La Treadmill. I'd been doing overtime on that damn thing ever since Triple N's lunch visit on Wednesday, hoping like hell that I could miraculously look like I was in good shape by tomorrow morning. I was thin, but that didn't mean I was in shape. I had the muscle tone of a limp noodle. I shoved my ear buds in my ears and ran until sweat streamed off of my body like I'd sprouted a leak somewhere. I was huffing air in so hard that I was about to hyperventilate. I made a mental note that I should start keeping a supply of paper bags next to the treadmill in case of emergencies.

My thighs burned so badly I felt like someone had lit them with a tiki torch. I was surprised they hadn't turned into flame throwers and started shooting fire. I limped like an 80-year-old woman into the kitchen and downed some painkillers. Slowly, cursing with every step I took, I finally got my hurting ass upstairs and took a shower. I fell into bed in agony. I had just snuggled into my pillow when I heard whining.

"Fuck!" I shouted. I'd totally forgotten about Diablo. He was too short to jump on the bed so I had to lean over and pick him up. I groaned as just that simple movement hurt. I flipped on my alarm clock and lying on my side, tucked Diablo in my armpit. I grabbed my stuffed dog and squeezed Diablo tight up against me. That sweet, little nugget of love was the snuggliest 'lil shit I'd ever seen. He loved being squished. I don't know how I hadn't smothered him in my sleep; it was some kind of miracle.

I squeezed him so hard he squeaked like a squeaky toy. I just knew that one of these days, his cause of death was going to be _Loved Too Hard_. I kissed his little head and tucked him under my chin as my eyelids grew heavy.

The next thing I knew, Triple N was knocking on my door. Breathlessly, I threw the door open, excited to see his gorgeous face. "Hi, Isabella," he said in his velvet, singe-your-drawers-off-your-bod voice.

"Hi, Edward," I said back, trying to sound equally seductive but it came off more like I had a booger stuck in my nose blocking my nasal passage.

His eyes were hooded as he stared at my lips. "You should get some water. So you can wet your lips if you get thirsty." My lips were already wet. The lips that were under my singed drawers. His tongue darted out and wet his upper and lower lips over and over until they both had a wet ring around them. It was kind of odd but strangely arousing.

He followed me to the kitchen. I pulled a bottle of water out of the fridge, held it up like I was one of those models on _The Price is Right_ and smiled at him.

"I'm hungry," he said as he picked up a hot dog bun off my counter. I frowned because I had no idea where the hell he got that from.

"Got any mustard?" he asked.

I opened the fridge and couldn't find the mustard bottle. I always had mustard. Someone must have stolen it. "No, just ketchup," I said as I turned and handed him the bottle.

He smiled at me and had a big piece of asparagus hanging from his upper lip like Jim Carrey did in the movie _Ace Ventura_. I should have busted out laughing because that shit was funnier than hell, but somehow he made it look hot. Edward could make anything look hot; even green shit hanging out of his mouth. He looked edible. I wanted to bite my way up that asparagus stalk until I got to those extra wet, yummy lips. Just as I opened my mouth to tell him about the little bit 'o green that he had in his teeth, he suddenly shoved his hand into his shorts and pulled out his cock – as in _removed it from his body_ - and put it in the hot dog bun. "I like bratwursts," he said with the asparagus still dangling from his upper lip. "Want a bite?"

Horrified, gasping, choking noises came out of me, but I couldn't form words. My confused eyes darted to Diablo who was now sitting on the center island in front of me dressed in a bumble bee outfit complete with antennae.

"How about your little doggie?" Edward asked. Terrified, my eyes flew to his face. The asparagus spear was gone. His lips were curled up, showing sharp, pointy vampire fangs.

"Does he like bratwursts?" he asked in a weird, cartoonish vampire "I vant to suck yo blood" voice. He threw his head back as scary, maniacal laughter came pouring from his lips. He looked down at me and there was a bit of red oozing out of the corner of his mouth. _Please be ketchup. Please be ketchup, _I said to myself over and over again. He held the cock dog in both hands like an offering as he walked closer and closer and closer to Diablo. I opened my mouth to scream, but nothing would come out. He put the cock dog up to Diablo's nose. Diablo sniffed and opened his mouth and just as he got ready to bite down….

_Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep._

"_Noooooooo!_" I screamed at the top of my lungs as I sat up straight in bed, my arms flailing all over the place, knocking Diablo off the bed and straight to the floor in the process. My heart was about to pound out of my chest in terror.

"Son of a bitching nutcracker…." I muttered under my breath as I panted, my hand on my chest, trying to calm my out-of-control heart. That was the absolute freakiest fucking dream I'd ever had in my entire life. There was going to be a new rule for poker night… no more damn cocktail weenies!

I leaned over the side of the bed, terrified that I'd dumped Diablo on his head and broken his tiny neck. Or he might have landed on his ass and broke his tail. He was just sitting there with sleepy eyes looking at me like I was a lunatic, which I most certainly was.

"I'm so sorry, baby funchkinpie," I cooed as I picked him up. In one second I was forgiven as he bathed my face with kisses; dogs and their blessed short-term memory. He'd already forgotten about me dumping his ass out of bed, which happened three seconds ago. God love him.

I gingerly got out of bed; my legs ached like a motherfucker. I took an extra-long, extra-hot shower. Afterwards, I pulled out my three outfits that I had bought for my jogging day with Edward and laid them out on my bed and studied them. Yes, I had gone shopping for clothes… to wear jogging… with my fuckhawt neighbor who had seen me in my fucking underwear and my nasty sweatpants. I don't know why I even bothered. It was just that every time I'd seen that man, it was unannounced, and I was completely unprepared. For the first time, I had some control. I was tired of looking and acting like a brainless idiot in front of him and embarrassing the hell out of myself. I wanted to show him that I wasn't always so stupid all of the time, that I had some substance. I had no idea what that meant, but it sure as hell sounded good so I was going with it. Substance...that was me.

It was springtime in Seattle so it was still pretty cool out, especially in the mornings, so I needed to wear something that would keep me warm but not too warm because I didn't want to sweat excessively. I tried on all three outfits and then angrily stuffed them all back in the bag I brought them home in. They just weren't me. I'd rather be comfortable. I grabbed my black yoga pants out of my closet, threw on a tank top and covered it all up with a too-big hoody that came down to my mid-thigh so it hid my ass.

Walking into the bathroom, I couldn't decide what to do with my hair. I straightened it then felt stupid because I knew I was going to be sweating so I finally just pulled it up into a ponytail. I was so mad at myself. All my efforts were for nothing. I put some mascara on and went downstairs to eat my oatmeal.

After eating only half of my oatmeal and downing a cup of coffee, I got Diablo locked up in the kitchen and went into the living room to wait on Triple N. I was so nervous; I felt like I might vomit at any minute. More than once, I considered taping a note on the door for him stating that I'd broken my tailbone or my big toe, but I never got enough nerve up to do it.

I grabbed my waterproof wallet thingy that I carried my phone, house key and ID in and clipped it to my pants. As I started doing some stretches to limber up my achy legs, there was a knock on the door. My stomach flip-flopped as I walked to answer it.

God, he looked good. Super fine. In his black Nike pants and matching black short-sleeved shirt that showed off his hairy arms and beautiful biceps. "Hi," he said, grinning widely. A visual of him with that damn asparagus spear hanging out of his mouth hit me like a ton of bricks. I could see that stupid thing wiggling as he talked. I tried to think of something else, but it wouldn't leave my brain. The harder I tried to hold in the laughter, the more it wanted out. It burst out of me like a geyser.

"What's so funny?" he asked, eyeing me warily.

I waved him in and laughed until tears were squeezing out of the corner of my eyes. Thank god I used waterproof mascara this morning.

"You're giving me a complex here," he said, staring at me like I'd lost my mind.

"I'm sorry," I wheezed, "I'm so sorry." I paused and coughed, trying to get myself under control. "I had a dream about you-"

"Obviously it wasn't a sex dream. Was it some kind of nightmare?"

Damn. He hit the bulls eye with that one. It was definitely a sexmare. "No. You had this piece of asparagus hanging out of your mouth like Ace Ventura. I just kept picturing you with it… dangling…." I gasped as another round of giggles hit me.

Thankfully, Triple N wasn't offended, and he laughed right along with me. "You're crazy, you know that?" he asked. "And that was definitely a nightmare."

"I know," I said as I wiped the tears from my eyes.

"Well, are you ready to burn some calories?" he asked. My brain exited stage left to a vision of me with sweat pouring off of my body as I rode that man into oblivion. Hell yeah, I was ready to burn some calories.

I shook my head. "Not really," I grumbled.

He smiled. "Did you do any stretching?"

"Yeah."

"Good. Well, you know this neighborhood, so I'm going to let you lead the way. You ready?"

I nodded and locked up the house, tucking my ear buds into my ears. No way was I going to be able to run next to him and carry on a conversation… you know, heavy breathing and talking would distract me from keeping track of my feet.

This jog was going to be short. I wondered if jogging over to his driveway and back constituted as a jog. We most definitely weren't going to jog long enough to work up a sweat. I didn't want Triple N to see me sweating. Well, I did, but only if it involved him and his naked bratwurst finding its home in my bun. Yes, that was _bun_, not _bum_. His brat was never getting anywhere near my bum… _n_ever__. That was a no-fly zone. If his brat ever entered the no-fly zone, the brat would be shot, as in shot down. And I didn't mean that figuratively; I meant that literally. I kept a handgun in my bedside table and was not afraid to use it. Why was I even thinking that? His brat was never getting near my bun to begin with.

"I've never jogged the neighborhood before," I said before I turned on my iPod. "But I do take Diablo for walks so we'll just jog the route I usually walk. Does that sound all right?"

He smiled. "Sure. I'm up for anything." _Don't go there. Don't go there. _Yep, I dove headfirst into _Dirtyville_ again. It was like my mind was regressing back into my pre-teen years around him.

"Allrighty then," I said as I flipped on my tunes.

We started jogging. I was very aware of him next to me; I could see him out of my peripheral vision, but I stayed focused on staying upright and kept my eyes glued to the ground for any sneaky shit that could trip me up. We had jogged for about ten or fifteen minutes when I decided to take him through the woods to a neighborhood that I enjoyed walking in that had a bunch of older homes in it.

We had just exited the woods when I felt a few raindrops on my face. Living in Seattle, I was used to the constant rain and didn't mind getting rained on so I just ignored it. But the drizzle suddenly turned into a massive downpour of epic proportions. I'm talking about the kind that soaks you down to your skivvies in a matter of seconds.

"Holy shit!" I yelled as I stopped and yanked my hood up.

"Come on," Edward yelled at me as he grabbed my hand. We ran in the pouring rain to a big rundown older home with a huge stone front porch. He tugged me up the stairs until we were standing under the cover of the porch.

I looked at him like he was crazy. "We can't stay here. What if somebody's home?"

"We'll just tell them that we're…." He looked around the porch for a minute as if trying to gather his thoughts. He looked back at me with his eyes lit up. "… Jehovah's witnesses," he said with a silly grin. Triple N was funny. I loved that about him. His silliness caused me to burst into a fit of giggles. He looked so good with that grin and rain dripping off his face. He took my breath away. That is until he did this crazy thing where he shook his head like a dog does when it's wet, and some of the wetness landed on me.

"Yuck!" I yelled.

"Sorry. Did I get you wet?" he asked. _Think pure thoughts. Think pure thoughts._

As I wiped my face off, I looked up at him getting ready to say something smart aleck, and he waggled his eyebrows at me. "You pervert!" I shouted as I hit him in the arm.

He giggled as he rubbed his arm. His giggle was so adorable. It made me feel all happy inside to hear that sound. He reached down and grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it up to wipe his face off. And I died, swooned… got weak in the knees. His abs, that V thing that only men have, that hair trailing down to… the bratwurst. Like it was the sexiest thing I'd ever seen in my life. I mean, I'd seen it from a distance, from my window, but nothing compared to seeing it up close and personal.

A gust of cold air hit my wet clothes causing me to shiver. Nah, it was from staring at his beautifulness. Definitely wasn't the cold air. "Are you cold?" he asked as he stepped closer to me.

I shrugged because he'd rendered me speechless.

"I can warm you up," he said in a husky voice as he took a step towards me. I don't know why but I started to panic. He must have sensed my fear. "You can trust me, Bella. I just want to help you get warm."

I nodded. He stepped closer, and I took a step back. He did it again, and I retreated once again. I could feel the wall of the porch on my back. I had no more room to run. "I won't hurt you," he said in a soothing voice. "We're just friends, remember? My friend is cold, and I can help her out with that, okay?"

I nodded again like an idiot as it seemed that was the only thing I could do. He closed the distance between us and wrapped his arms around me. Even though it was cold out, and I was soaking wet, I started to feel warm almost immediately. It felt so right being in his arms. My forearms rested against his chest. He was so close, all around me. I breathed in deeply. Mm, he smelled good. A musky, spicy, incredibly manly smell that made my nether regions shiver. He pressed me closer to his chest and started rubbing his hand up and down my back. I had landed smack dab in the middle of Triple N heaven.

I wondered if it would be considered warming myself if I started rubbing my hands across his chest. My fingers itched to feel his hard muscles. And my clit was chilly. Humping his leg would definitely warm that up fast.

Triple N sighed and squeezed me a little closer as he started speaking softly. "Hopefully it'll quit raining here in a few minutes, and I can get you back home."

Looking up, I watched him swallow, his Adam's apple moving up and down. I wanted to lick it and suck it into my mouth. He had the sexiest Adam's apple ever. I wanted to put my nose up against the skin of his neck and inhale and maybe sneak a lick or two. So I decided to try to be stealthy about it. I stood up on my tippy-toes to reach up and when I did, a door opened and an elderly woman's shrill voice rang out, "Who are ya and what're ya doing on my porch?"

I screamed and Edward jumped back about a foot. We both stared at the door. There stood one of the tiniest, most wrinkled and shriveled-up human beings I'd ever seen. The skin of her face looked like a raisin… a raisin that had been left out in the desert for over a hundred years. "Well, who are ya?" she asked again.

I looked at Edward. "Jehovah's witnesses..?" I said in a shaky voice as I kept my eyes on his. His green eyes danced with laughter as he bit his lip and a loud snort popped out of him. He couldn't hold in the laughter any more, and it started barreling out of him.

He grabbed my hand. "Come on," he said as we darted off the porch.

Turning slightly, he waved to the old lady. "God bless you!" he shouted, which for some reason, I found to be hysterical. I busted out laughing.

Letting go of my hand, we giggled and laughed together until my stomach ached. The rain had lightened up so it was more of just a drizzle now than a downpour. We jogged until we were a couple of houses away from the terrifying old lady. No way could we go back the way we came through the woods. It would be way too muddy. Instead, we would have to take the side streets back. It was a little longer that way, but we didn't have much of a choice.

"That woman was terrifying," I said.

"I know," he said with a chuckle. "I don't think I've ever encountered anyone with that many wrinkles before."

"I know. She could make an old prune look attractive. And I thought for sure she was going to pull out a shotgun at any minute and start shooting at us."

"I think the shotgun would have been bigger than she was."

I laughed. "Totally… the poor thing couldn't have weighed more than 80 pounds."

He nodded. "Hey, speaking of weight… do you think you burned off the extra five pounds I caused you to gain on our 'mini' jog?" he asked. "Or do you think we'll have to try this another day when we don't get rained on?"

"Oh, hell, no. No more jogging. The pounds just melted off of me; I feel skinny already," I announced with a grin as I sucked my gut in and patted my stomach.

"Well…" he said, then stopped. I looked over at him, and his eyes were moving up and down my body.

"What are you looking at?" I asked as I felt my cheeks grow hot.

He held his hands up. "Don't get so defensive. I was just assessing you for any weight loss."

Looking ahead, he didn't say anything else. He just left me hanging.

"And?" I prompted him.

"And what?"

"What is your assessment?" I was a glutton for punishment.

"Honestly? It doesn't matter if you lose or gain five pounds, I still… uh, I shouldn't say this."

"Say what?"

"I…." He cleared his throat nervously. "Don't take this the wrong way, but I think you look good, _really_ good either way."

My face flamed and my heart soared.

"Thank you," I said quietly.

We walked in silence for a few minutes. "So how are the patents coming along?" I finally asked, breaking the silence.

"Still as exciting as ever; I got the last one filed on Friday so at least I won't have to put in as many hours as I was."

"That's good."

We walked quietly for a few minutes when the most earth-shattering pain I'd ever experienced ripped through my thigh, causing me to fall flat on the ground.

"_Shit!_" I screamed as I grabbed my thigh in agony. "Oh my god. Oh my god. It hurts so badly. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die," I kept saying over and over again as I writhed in agony.

"What the hell is wrong?" Edward yelled as he crouched beside me and touched my thigh.

"_Charley horse!_" I screeched. "My thigh! Oh god, the agony. My thigh is in a knot! Fuuuuhhhhuuuck. Ow, ow, ow, ow," I moaned, thinking that death was about to visit me at any moment. I shouldn't have stepped onto that damn treadmill!

"Calm down," Edward said. "Look at me, now." I looked as I moaned and cried. "I've had a lot of Charley horses' before. I'm going to massage it. It's going to hurt like hell, but it'll work the muscle out. Try to point and flex your foot at the same time."

He started massaging my thigh as I tried to point and flex, but it hurt so badly that all I could do was writhe around like a snake on the dirty ground.

He kept working my muscles and saying soothing words. Finally, after a few minutes, the intense pain started ebbing away, and the muscle began to relax.

"Is it feeling better?" he asked as he continued to gently rub my thigh.

I nodded. "Yeah. Oh my god. That hurt so badly."

"I used to play soccer in high school so I understand completely. Do you think you can stand up and walk around a little bit? Sometimes that helps stretch the muscles out and keeps it limber. I'll carry you home of course-"

"You're not carrying me home! I'll be fine," I grumbled as I stood up. He held onto me as I tried to put some pressure on it. It hurt like a motherfucker, but no way in hell was he carrying my ass all the way home. I'd crawl home first.

"Hold onto my arm for support," he said. I didn't argue and hung on as I started limping along. The further I walked, the better it felt. It was still incredibly sore and tender, but I knew I could make it home.

"Thank you. For everything," I said quietly.

"You're welcome. When we get home, you need to drink a lot of water and eat a banana. Do you have any Gatorade?" he asked.

"No."

"I've got some at home. I'll bring it over. Are you sure you don't want me to carry you?"

"Oh, I'm quite sure." Not. Gonna. Happen.

We walked in silence as I clung to him and limped like Hopalong Cassidy. I couldn't believe that had just happened to me. I had to go and embarrass the hell out of myself again with a stupid fucking Charley horse of all things. Unbelievable. I was going to put that treadmill out on the curb for the trash pick-up when I got home. It wasn't even worthy of me selling it and finding it a new home. It deserved the dump.

My attention turned to the road up ahead. I squinted, hoping that I wasn't seeing what I thought I was seeing. But of course it was exactly what I thought it was. _"Just stay on this side of the road and ignore it,_" I told myself. _"Hold your breath. You can do this."_ But then a movement out of the corner of my eye made me stop in my tracks and gasp loudly.

"What's wrong?" Edward asked as he looked at me with concern.

I swallowed hard. "That… that… that road kill over there just moved," I whispered as I tightened my grip on his arm and pointed.

"So? It's probably still alive."

"Oh, god, I can't stand to see road kill. It freaks me the fuck out. I love animals and hate to see them die like that. I stay as far away as possible and hold my breath. I'm afraid that I might inhale germs or microbes or something equally scary from the rotting flesh. It creeps me out!" I said as I shivered in revulsion.

Edward laughed. "Well, no worries. There's no rotting flesh from what I can see, looks like he's still alive." Just as he said that, the squirrel's tail twitched.

"Oh my god, the poor little guy. Go look and see how bad his injuries are."

Edward's mouth gaped open. "I'm not going over there. Are you crazy?"

"Please? Maybe we could rescue him."

"You just told me that road kill freaks you out, and now you want to _rescue_ the road kill? Have you lost your mind?"

"He's only road kill if he's dead. He's not dead."

"He's road kill, Bella. It's the cycle of life. I'm sure he lived a very happy, squirrelly life."

"But what if we were meant to save him? Please go look. Please?"

He huffed and rolled his eyes and muttered, "I can't believe I'm doing this," under his breath as he crossed the street and walked towards the animal.

"Thank you," I called out to him. I chewed on my thumbnail as I watched him. He stared at the squirrel for a minute and came back.

"Well? Is there blood? Or… guts?" I asked, my stomach churning at the thought.

He shook his head. "No, must be internal injuries."

"We have to rescue him. I bet there's some kind of squirrel rescue that I could take him to."

"You have to be out of your damn mind. You can barely walk right now."

"My leg is fine. Besides, that's what I did with Diablo. I rescued him. They were about to put him down because he couldn't pass a temperament test-"

"Imagine that…" he interrupted with a sarcastic drawl, "Diablo's a dog, Bella. Not a wild animal. There's no way you can compare the two."

"Yes, I can. They're both animals. And he can't help it if a car ran over him, poor little squirrel guy."

"Well, he was dumb enough to run out in front of the car and get himself hit."

"I can't believe you said that. I can't imagine hitting a poor, innocent animal. I'd probably have to go sell my car and go into therapy."

"You've never hit an animal before?"

"Of course not, have you?"

"Uh, yeah," he said like it was a well-known fact. "I hit a cat one time…."

I gasped. "What did you do?"

"What could I do? It was on a busy street. Trust me, it died instantly and went straight to kitty heaven. Oh, and I hit a chipmunk once."

"You killed Alvin?" I asked my eyes bugging out of my head.

"I couldn't help it! He ran under my tire."

"I'm never going to look at you the same, you Alvin murderer."

"I've seen you eat meat. It's not like you're a vegetarian."

"That's different."

"How?"

"I don't know but it is."

"I'm not touching that squirrel. They carry rabies and all kinds of diseases that I don't even want to think about."

"You won't have to touch him. Here," I said as I pulled off my sweatshirt and handed it to him. "Put him in this. You can use it like a sling." I was immediately freezing my ass off because all I had on was a tank and my yoga pants, but it would be worth it to save an animal.

"I'm not doing this."

"Please? You're my friend. We can try to save his little life. Maybe he can go on to have a family and a dozen children and live long enough to get some gray on his chin."

He shook his head and started muttering words under his breath that I couldn't hear. He ran a hand through his wet hair, making it stick up. "This is the stupidest thing I've ever done in my damn life," he huffed as he turned and walked towards the squirrel. I got brave and limped behind him since he said there was no blood involved.

He threw the sweatshirt on top of the squirrel then squatted down beside it. He reached his hand out hesitantly as I held my breath and watched. Just as his hand got within inches of the covered squirrel, he yanked it back and stood up. He paced and glared at me as he rubbed his hand over the back of his neck.

"You can do it," I told him, trying to cheer him on. He threw me a hate-filled look and turned around and bent down again. He stared at it for a long time as if he was evaluating the best way to try to pick him up. Slowly, his hand reached out and hovered over the squirrel. He hesitated for just a moment before he quickly grabbed it. I saw a flash of brown fur and Edward yelled, "Shit!" and grabbed at his hand and looking down at it.

"What happened?" I shouted.

He gave me a menacing stare. "The fucker bit me."

A weird noise of horror came out of me as my hands flew to my mouth. I'd just given Triple N rabies.

"Oh my god, I can't believe this. I'm so sorry. How bad is it?" I asked as I hobbled over to inspect his hand.

"Because of you I just got bit by a goddamn squirrel," he yelled.

"I know. I know," I moaned, feeling absolutely horrible. "I'm so sorry." I pulled my cell phone off my waistband.

"What are you doing?" Edward asked.

"I'm going to call Rose. I need to get you to the hospital as fast as I can."

"I'm capable of walking. I'm not going to die before we walk home."

"I know that, but my thigh is killing me, and I don't want to leave the squirrel here."

"You've got to be fucking kidding me!"

"We have to take him with us in case he needs to be tested for rabies. Was he foaming at the mouth?"

"I don't know!"

I dialed Rose, and it went straight to voice mail. "Rose, answer your damn phone! This is an emergency. Call me back immediately." I hung up. I made three more calls. Lauren and Victoria's phones both went to voice mail, which didn't surprise me, those hung-over lushes. I got a hold of Alice but she was with her mom on a shopping trip and was about forty-five minutes away.

"Can you call Jake?" I asked Edward. He pulled his phone out of his pocket, dialed him and got his voice mail as well.

"Let me call my brother," he grumbled as he made another call. Finally, someone answered. "Hey, I need you to come take me to the hospital. No…. Yeah... I'll tell you when you get here."

He looked at me. "Do you have GPS on your phone?" he asked. I nodded. "Find our location so I can tell him where we're at."

I gave him the information which he relayed to his brother.

"Tell him to bring a box or something that we can put the squirrel in," I added quickly.

His eyes narrowed as he glared at me. "Bring a box," he said to his brother. "Don't ask me. Just do it," he barked before he hung up the phone.

He walked about ten feet away from the squirrel and sat down on the curb. I limped over and sat down next to him, rubbing my aching thigh.

"He lives close," he said. "He'll be here in about ten or fifteen minutes."

"Good. Are you in pain?"

"Yes. It's excruciating." My eyes darted to his face. He raised one eyebrow at me. I was happy to see he was being sarcastic.

I started shivering as I was in just my tank top. My sweatshirt was still lying beside the squirrel. Edward wrapped his non-bitten, good arm around me. "Isabella Swan, I've never met anyone like you in my life. You get me into the craziest shit ever."

Shrugging sheepishly, I didn't respond because there was no arguing over that one.

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><p><strong>AN: LMAO! This is so much fun to write! Let me know what you thought. ;)**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Hello, my wonderous, beautiful reader babes! I'm backkkkkkk! I could give you a million excuses as to why it's taken me forever to update, but let's just say that I needed a break. Writing is a lot of work even though I love it. And it did me good because I am super refreshed and was able to crank this baby out in record time.**

**My beta Twilifed113 is a super, incredible person. I can't thank her enough for all the things she does for me.**

**And to my pre-readers gjficfan and Lfcpam… I love you both dearly.**

**SM owns Twilight.**

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><p><strong><em>MY DEVIL<em>**

**_CHAPTER 8_**

"You touched… _road kill_?" Emmett gasped as he leaned against the huge knobby tire of his monster truck and grasped his side. "Fuck me, I'm dying," he choked out in a strangled voice. I kind of hoped he would die. I wanted to pull out a step-ladder, climb into his truck and run him over a couple of times with those giant tires of his. Edward had tried to warn me about his brother before he showed up. He told me that he was a loud, obnoxious ass who constantly tortured and embarrassed the hell out of him. But - with what I could tell was a great amount of difficulty - Edward finally admitted that under Emmett's unbearable, five-year old exterior was a half-way decent guy.

Emmett had rolled up in a banana yellow truck with honest-to-god flames painted on the hood. It looked like he'd stolen the beast from a monster truck rally. The radio was blasting with rap music so loud that I could feel the bass vibrating in my chest even with his windows rolled up. But the vibrations could have been caused by the roaring exhaust or the noisy smokestacks that rose about a foot above the truck on each side; it was hard to tell. The man was now holding us hostage on the side of the road.

As soon as he had arrived, he'd jumped out of his truck, locked the doors, and refused to let us in until we told him the whole story of what had happened. After Edward made some hasty introductions, he quickly told Emmett the story. As soon as Edward mentioned the words "bite" and "squirrel", Emmett lost his shit. And I do mean _lost… his_… _shit_. That man could bellow some laughter, and it was loud. Way louder than the average human being. I felt like it kept echoing off of that humongo truck of his and into our faces like some kind of canyon effect.

Edward and I tried everything to hurry him up and get him to open the truck doors, but nothing worked. So for the last ten minutes, he'd been staggering back and forth in front of his truck wheezing, gasping and holding his gut. I was really getting highly irritated. I mean, I enjoyed a good laugh just like everyone else, but this was taking it to the extreme. Especially when we had a possible rabies-infected man on our hands who needed immediate medical attention. I finally just gave up and plopped back down on the curb beside Edward. Edward could have been dying, and it wouldn't have mattered to this cackling hyena-man. Neither of us cracked a smile as we watched the spectacle of his brother in front of us.

Edward sighed long and deep, then nudged my shoulder. "I'm sorry," he mumbled with sad eyes.

"We should have called 911," I stated in a flat voice.

"Huh?" Emmett perked up as he looked over at me with watery blue eyes. "911? Because of road kill?" Of course that set off another round of uncontrollable boisterous blubbering.

"Got any other friends you can call?" I asked Edward. "Maybe I can call my brother." I was at the point that I was even considering calling Tanya that's how bad it was.

"Wait," Emmett called out as he held up one hand, his other arm wrapped around his middle. "I might need to see the doc first," he rasped. "Dude, my gut is fucking killing me. _Fuckin' A_… that's the funniest shit ever."

"Can we _please_ get him to the hospital now?" I begged.

Emmett sniffed loudly and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. "Yeah," he said as he shoved his hand into his pocket and _finally _unlocked the truck.

I stood up and approached the door, and that's when I panicked. I had no idea how in the world I was going to get up into that jacked-up, two-stories-tall truck of his without some type of ladder or climbing apparatus. Then I got distracted as I remembered writhing on the filthy, mud-covered ground earlier when that Charley horse attacked me. I started wiping furiously at my ass and the backs of my thighs to try to rid myself of the mud, dirt, and nasties that were caked on there. I didn't think Emmett would appreciate me dirtying up his ride.

"How's my ass?" I asked Edward as I craned my neck around to try to see myself. "Is it dirty?"

Edward didn't respond so I looked up to see his eyes trained directly on my derriere. With a guilty look, his eyes shot up to mine, and he swallowed hard, his Adam's apple visibly moving. "Your ass is fine. _Very_ fine," he said in a husky voice. His eyes widened and his cheeks tinged pink when he realized what he'd just said. "I mean, it's… it's dirty. A little dirty, but fine."

Emmett cleared his throat and interrupted. "Uh, what my 'lil bro is trying to say so eloquently is that he finds your ass to be fucking delectable even with the considerable amount of mud you have on it. But I definitely don't want to get my leather seats dirty so would you mind slipping your pants off?" Emmett asked with a straight face.

"Emmett, fuck off," Edward growled which made Emmett laugh.

Edward turned to me. "Bella, it's no problem. You won't hurt anything."

"Okay," I responded in a wary voice. I turned and studied the truck again, trying to figure out a way to get up into it.

"You can sit in the front," Edward politely offered as he stepped closer to me.

"Oh, no, I'll take the back." I did _not _want to sit by his possibly insane brother.

"No, I want you to sit in the front," Edward argued.

"How about we both sit in the back?" I countered, causing Edward to give me a smile.

"Perfect," he said softly.

"What the fuck is going on?" Emmett practically shouted from behind us, causing me to jump. The volume on that man's voice was startling. "Dude, you two are making me wanna vomit. I feel like I'm watching a chick flick."

"Shut the hell up," Edward mumbled.

"How do I get up into this thing?" I asked Edward as I waved my hand towards the Bananamobile.

Emmett interrupted and answered for him. "Oh, I have a very special way of helping the ladies into my ride," he said with a toothy grin as he waggled his eyebrows and rubbed his hands together excitedly.

"_Emmett_." Edward's voice was icy.

"Damn it, dude, you're no fun," Emmett grumbled like a child as he pressed a button on his keyfob. I heard a "whirring" sound and looked down to see some kind of retractable bar that you could step on appear from underneath the truck. It was pretty damn nifty. Edward offered me his good hand, and I climbed in.

Even with the step, it was still hard to get up into that thing, especially with my thigh being so tender from the Charley horse hell that I had gone through earlier. I couldn't help it when that stupid sunscreen jingle started playing in my head, "_Get on the boat, the banana boat_…." I would now be singing that all day long in my head because of Emmett's ugly ass Bananamobile. Edward shut the door and walked around to the other side to sit opposite me.

Emmett literally bounced into the front seat. He turned on the ignition, and I pressed my palms to my ears as music blared from the speakers, spearing my eardrums. That's when I understood why Emmett was so loud; the man was clearly deaf. "Oops, sorry," he yelled after he turned it down.

"Um, excuse me," I said as I leaned forward in my seat, speaking directly to Emmett. "I need you to go get the squirrel."

Emmett's head whipped around so fast I was afraid he may have given himself whiplash. "What the fuck did you just say?" he asked with a frightened expression on his face.

"The box?" I said reminding him of the box he had brought with him. "We have to take the squirrel with us in case he has to be tested for rabies or something." I didn't tell him I also planned on getting the poor little fella some medical treatment of his own.

"There is no way in fucking hell I'm touching that rabies-infested road kill!" he shouted, his voice an octave higher than before.

"You don't have to touch him," I argued. "Just use a stick or something to scoop him into the box. But be gentle with him. Oh, and could you get my sweatshirt too? I don't want to be a litterbug or anything."

Emmett turned his head further around so that he could look at Edward who was sitting behind him. Edward just smirked and shrugged. "You heard the lady," he said with a smile.

Emmett's eyes shot back to mine. "Why the hell do I have to be the one to do it?" he asked in a whiny voice. "Why can't he?" he used his thumb to point back at Edward. "He's the one that was stupid enough to touch the road kill to begin with."

"Shut the hell up, Emmett, and just go get the damn thing," Edward told him in an annoyed voice.

I was steaming. No one called my Triple N stupid except me, and that was only in my evil thoughts. Edward was right; Emmett was most definitely a five-year-old ass. "Edward isn't stupid," I said. I had this weird protective freaky thing sneak up on me. For some bizarre reason, I wanted to beat the snot out of Emmett for saying that. "Edward was… sweet and kind and thoughtful enough to try to help me save the squirrel. And besides, Edward can't do it because he's injured," I argued defensively. "He needs to sit still and not move. And we need to get him to the hospital so can we hurry up?" I took a sideways peek at Edward, and he was grinning from ear to ear.

I scooted to the edge of my seat and leaned towards Emmett. "Now don't tell me that you're afraid of a teeny, tiny squirrel…."

"Jesus Christ!" Emmett shouted. "Now I see exactly how she got you to touch that damn thing to begin with," he huffed and turned the truck off. I smiled victoriously as he got out of the truck. As he walked around to the passenger side, he pushed the sleeves of his shirt up to his elbows revealing tattoos from his wrists on up. He gave me a dirty look as he snatched the box he brought off the front seat.

I smiled back at him. "If you can't find a stick, you can use a crowbar or something," I added, trying to be helpful. The look he gave me told me that statement was not helpful at all. He slammed the door so hard it rocked the truck.

"Your brother is something else," I said to Edward as I shook my head.

"I know. I tried to warn you." He smiled.

"He's not a step-brother or adopted is he?"

Edward laughed. "No. Sometimes I wish he was."

"I can't believe you two are brothers. You look nothing alike, and you certainly act nothing like each other." I may have breathed a "thank god" under my breath, which made him snort. But I wanted to kick myself because here I was telling him the same thing that I'd heard over and over throughout the years about me and Jasper. Go figure.

"I know," he agreed. "I think the Cullen genes somehow mutated with him. He's certainly one of a kind."

I stared out the window. Mutated was right. He was like The Incredible Hulk only with tattoos covering his skin instead of the green tint.

"I envy him," Edward said quietly, taking me completely by surprise. I turned to stare at Edward's profile as he continued to watch Emmett. "He's always happy. No matter what the situation is or how bad things are in his life, it doesn't affect him. Sometimes it's hard to find happiness, but never for Emmett."

I frowned. "What? You're not happy?" I asked. I couldn't even comprehend why someone like Edward wouldn't be happy. He was insanely, ridiculously, male-modelish good looking, had an awesome house that would soon have a pool, drove a Porsche, had a great career as a damn lawyer, and had a giant bratwurst hiding below deck. What the hell could he be depressed about?

He turned to me and shrugged. "Let's just say that since I've met you, I've laughed more than I have in the last ten years or so," he said.

I snorted. "Yeah, that's because I've given you a lot to laugh at. I've pretty much made an ass out of myself every second I've been around you."

He chuckled. "No, you're really a lot of fun, Bella. You've made me think about some things lately."

"What things?" I asked.

"Just how I need to enjoy life more and-"

We were interrupted by a woman's high-pitched screech. Emmett flung the door open and jumped in, scaring the hell out of the both of us. "Who just screamed?" I shouted.

"What the hell?" Edward muttered.

Emmett had both hands tight on the steering wheel, staring straight ahead. "That was me, goddamn it!" he yelled. He was the woman that just screamed? The Hulk girly-squealed because of a squirrel?

"It. Fucking. Moved," Emmett said in a monotone voice. "I almost shit my boxers."

My eyes flew to Edward's and both of us… _Lost. Our. Shit._

Emmett threw his hands up in the air. "Yeah, yeah... Yack it up all you want back there. I got the little fucker in the box and bent down to pick it up, and he went all squirrelly on me and started flopping around in there. I thought for sure he was gonna fly out of there and wrap himself around my head like a fuckin' turban."

I was in agony. Tears were streaming down my face. Have you ever laughed so hard that you couldn't get a breath in, and you literally thought you might die from lack of oxygen? I was at that point. And so was Edward. I don't know how long it was before we finally got ourselves under control, but it took a while. Every time I thought the laughing had subsided, I would picture Emmett with a furry squirrel turban on his head and immediately lose it again.

I took in a couple of deep breaths and rubbed my aching stomach muscles. "Do you have any straps or anything in here that you could use to tie the box with?" I asked Emmett as I wiped tears from my eyes.

"_No_. Why would I have straps?" he asked like I was an idiot. I thought all guys carried stuff like that in their trucks. Kind of like why women carried tampons in their purses, in case of emergencies like now, dumbass.

"Just put Bella's sweatshirt over the top of the box," Edward said as he wiped his eyes. "That should keep him in there."

"Bro, you have no idea how much you're gonna owe me for this shit," Emmett grumbled as he got out of the truck again. "You're gonna be paying for years, 'lil bro."

Emmett eventually got the box and squirrel into the front seat without any squirrel escapage. Edward asked him to take us home first so we could change since we were both soaked, and I was freezing. He drove like a madman, and we were at my house in about thirty seconds flat. I knew it was because he was terrified that the squirrel was going to jump out and attack him. Or try to make a cozy home around his head in the shape of a turban.

Edward was a gentleman and helped me out of the truck. My feet made squishy sounds in my shoes because my socks were so soaked. It was nasty. I couldn't wait to get changed.

"What the hell am I supposed to do with this squirrel?" Emmett yelled before I could barely take a step. I had to bite back a giggle because the huge Hulkster man was clearly frightened of the tiny animal.

I looked at Edward. "Um, we could take my car to the hospital, if you wanted."

Emmett slammed the truck door. "No," he said, shaking his head, "_I'm_ taking you guys to the hospital, but there is no fucking way I'm leaving that squirrel in my truck while we're in there. It'll escape from that box and shit and piss everywhere and… Oh, Jesus! It could even fucking foam at the mouth. No way am I getting foam on my imported leather!" he shouted, a look of horror and disgust on his face.

"Oh," I said as I contemplated what to do. He did have a good point. I couldn't even imagine the damage a squirrel could do to an interior of a vehicle. I then got hit with an idea. "Hey, I know. I have one of Diablo's old crates that we could use to keep the squirrel in. That way he can't get out."

"Diablo?" Emmett asked, staring at me like I'd lost my mind.

"My dog," I said quickly. "Bring the box into my garage."

I turned to Edward. "I'll go get dressed and meet you out here in fifteen?"

He nodded and headed off towards his house. I found the crate for Emmett and left him moaning and complaining in the garage with the critter as I made a beeline for Diablo. He acted like he hadn't seen me in a month and just about kissed my face off. I gave him some quick smooches on the top of his head and whispered how much I loved him in his giant sonar ears before I let him outside to do his business. I cursed the fact that I had stairs as I gingerly made my way up them. My thigh was on fire and started tightening up like I was going to get another cramp. I had to stop three times to rub my muscles and stretch. I just knew I was going to get another Charley horse and end up at the bottom of the stairs with a broken neck.

After stripping off my yoga pants, I realized that the mud I'd rolled around in had seeped through my thin pants so I had a layer of brown covering my legs and ass. So I stuffed my hair in a bun so it wouldn't get wet and hopped into the shower and took a five minute fast one. The water felt amazing and helped warm me up. I threw on some jeans and a sweatshirt and carefully made my way downstairs. I got Diablo back in, locked up, and made my way out to the Bananamobile. Emmett was in the driver's seat and Edward was standing next to the window talking to him. My breath caught in my throat. The man was so stunning. The way his jeans hung low on his hips made my mouth water. His face lit up when he saw me, and he smiled brightly as he opened the door for me.

"Here, let me move that," he said as he grabbed a bag off of the seat so that I could scoot across it. "This is actually for you," he said as he got in and closed the door. My brow furrowed as I reached out and took the bag from him. I opened it and peeked inside and my heart skipped a beat. I stared down in disbelief at three bananas, two bottles of Gatorade, and two bottles of water. I couldn't believe his thoughtfulness. He should have been thinking about himself and the fact that he could have rabies, but instead, he was thinking of me. Something about his simple gesture touched me deeply. I had to bite my lip hard to keep the tears from welling up in my eyes. "I… thank you. This was… this was so thoughtful of you," I whispered.

He smiled a beautiful smile. "You're welcome," he whispered back.

I pulled out one of the bananas and peeled it. "Guess I'll have a banana in the Bananamobile," I announced as a joke to which Edward let out a loud snort.

"What? This ain't no fuckin' Bananamobile. This is the Cooter Intruder," Emmett yelled. Of course I had just taken a bite of the banana and when I gasped and sucked in air, I sucked the banana right down the wrong pipe and started coughing up a lung. Edward gently patted me on the back and kept asking if I was all right, but of course I couldn't respond because I was choking to death. He grabbed a bottle of water out of the bag and opened it for me.

"Didn't mean to choke you up there," Emmett tried to apologize as he looked back at me to see if I was all right. I waved a hand at him to let him know I was okay as I cleared my throat and took some sips of water.

"Look at my back window," Emmett said. I turned my head and couldn't believe I hadn't seen it before but that was because his windows were tinted super dark. There, written in huge letters across his back window, was… _The Cooter Intruder. _I wanted to die of embarrassment. I was thankful for the dark tint of his windows. I just prayed that none of our neighbors saw us get into it.

"I'm sorry," Edward whispered. He leaned towards me and put his face next to my hair. "We should have taken your car. Or better yet, my car. It's just a two-seater, and we could have left his ass at home," he whispered against my ear, his breath tickling me.

I snickered. "It's okay," I whispered back.

"What are you two whispering about?" Emmett yelled to which we both laughed and ignored him.

We arrived at the emergency room and got Edward registered and then we sat and waited… and waited. And waited some more. The ER was packed. Poor Edward was never going to get seen by a doc.

I managed to learn a lot about Emmett while we sat there. He monopolized the entire conversation. I found out that he owned a tattoo parlor and was a talented tattoo artist. I also learned that he originally wanted to be a WWE wrestler and that he actually went to school for it. At first I thought he was lying, but Edward confirmed that they do in fact actually have WWE wrestling schools. It was actually still a dream of his. He wanted his stage name to be The Scullenator.

"I'm fucking starving," Emmett announced. "I'm in the mood for a double Whopper with a side of onion rings. Who's in?"

Edward and I both readily agreed. After all that jogging and everything, I'd worked up an appetite. I was at the point that I could have eaten the back end of a rhino. "Um, get me a Whopper Junior with cheese only," I told Emmett. "Oh, and make that extra cheese. And have them put some mayo on the side. I don't like it on my sandwich; I like to dip my fries in it. And get me a small fry. And make sure to get ketchup. I like ketchup with my burger, but I don't like it on the burger because it makes the bun soggy. I like to dip my burger in it. And a diet Coke," I said as I rummaged in my bag for some cash.

It was silent for a moment.

"What the fuck?" Emmett shouted. "You are one crazy chick. You're gonna have to write that shit down."

"No problem," I said as I whipped out a piece of paper and wrote down my order. I was definitely a picky eater. I knew they probably thought I was psycho, but that was just the way I was.

Emmett showed up half an hour later with our food. No way could we eat in that germ-infested ER room so we went outside to Emmett's truck. He let the tailgate down, and we sat on the end of it and scarfed down our food with _The Cooter Intruder_ emblazoned behind us.

We headed back into the ER and waited another hour. I'd finally had enough so I marched up to the nurse's station and demanded to speak to the person in charge. Ten minutes later, a short, very round black lady came up and told me she was the Nursing Manager and asked me what I needed.

Finally, someone who would listen to me. "Yeah, we've been waiting for hours and hours and my friend over there needs immediate attention. Do you see the gentleman over there with the rumpled auburn hair, the stunning, gorgeous one? The one that looks like he could be on the cover of the next People magazine as the World's Sexiest Man?" She gave me a look like I might need to be seen by a mental health professional. I ignored her look and continued on. "Well, he was bitten by a possibly rabies-infested animal. If he doesn't get treatment right now, it could hurt his chances of making that magazine cover. You wouldn't want that to happen would you?"

She stared at me for a long moment before she shouted, "Security!"

I held my hands up. "Don't call security! Geez! But I'm telling you, he's an attorney, and if this man dies of rabies, I'm going to contact every lawyer friend of his that I can find and sue your asses for every dime you have," I said passionately before I turned and ran back to my seat before security showed up.

"What was that about?" Edward asked as I sat down next to him. Emmett was standing in the hallway on his cell phone.

"Ugh, I was just trying to get them to hurry up. I can't believe you are having to go through all of this because of me."

"It's not so bad," he said with a half-grin.

Emmett came back and sat down with a huff. "I can't stay much longer. One of my guys called in sick so I'm gonna have to cover the shop tonight. Can you guys find someone to take you home?" he asked.

"I would call Jake, but he's on a fishing trip with his dad," Edward said.

"I can call Rose," I offered as I pulled out my phone. That's when I realized I had my phone on vibrate, and she had called me several times and left a voice mail. She was home and agreed to come, but she wasn't happy about it. I told her briefly that Edward had gotten bitten by an animal, but I didn't tell her all the details. I didn't dare tell her that we were going to be putting a live squirrel in her car.

Twenty minutes later, Emmett was sitting across from me eating a Snickers candy bar when he literally froze like a statue with a big piece of the candy bar hanging out of his mouth. I frowned as I stared at him, trying to figure out what the hell was going on. His mouth dropped open a little more, and the piece of Snickers fell right out of his mouth and onto the floor. Before I could turn to look at what he was staring at, I heard the tell-tale sound of high-heeled stilettos flicking across the tiles. Rose had arrived. That was the typical response that Rose got from men.

I stood up and gave her a hug. "You remember Edward, my next door neighbor?" I asked stupidly because who in the hell could forget such gorgeousness? "Well, this is Edward's brother, Emmett. Emmett, this is Rose, my best friend."

She stuck her hand out and Emmett took it in his and leaned down and kissed her knuckles, like a complete and total knucklehead. I knew that was going to piss Rose off. She absolutely loathed overly aggressive men. She liked being the aggressor.

"Rose," Emmett hummed as his lips lingered on her knuckles, "perfectly stunning. It's an honor to meet you." I almost busted out laughing.

Rose snatched her hand away and rolled her eyes. We sat back down and unfortunately for Rose, the only available chair was next to Emmett. I think everyone was scared to sit by him. He'd been raiding the vending machines about every ten minutes or so. He had to have spent at least twenty bucks so far. There were wrappers all piled on the floor all around him.

We had just sat down when they finally called Edward's name. "Will you go back with me?" he asked. I was seriously surprised that he would want me back there, but then I got excited. Maybe he could have a physical done while he was in there. I'd pay for it, or maybe a prostrate exam… anything to get the man naked.

"Sure," I agreed as I leaned down and picked up my bag.

"You bastard!" Rose shouted. I looked up to catch her smacking Emmett right across the face.

"What the hell? Rose!" I yelled.

"You should have heard what this bastard just whispered to me," she shouted back.

Emmett rubbed his reddening cheek and smiled softly. "I like it rough, baby."

"You're disgusting," Rose said.

"Emmett, cut the shit out," Edward said.

"Look. You two need to chill out. I'm going back with Edward to see the doctor. Emmett, just put the…" I said, stopping myself, my eyes widening because I hadn't told Rose about the squirrel yet, "… the _package_ in Rose's car and don't say anything to piss her off and leave, okay?"

"I'm not gonna piss her off. I'm in love with her," Emmett said. It was at that precise moment that I was completely convinced that Emmett was missing a few screws upstairs.

"As if! You are the most revolting, disgusting human being I've ever met… and those tattoos? I hate tattoos. How could you do that to yourself?" Rose shouted.

I just shook my head and followed Edward. Luckily we were at the hospital so if Rose actually hurt Emmett in some manner, he would only have to suffer for about three to four hours before he could get seen by someone.

They led us back to a tiny room and in came a nurse to take Edward's vitals. Of course it couldn't be an older, fat, unattractive nurse with maybe a couple of warts and one leg that was shorter than the other. Oh, _no_. It had to be Nurse Barbie with a gigantic rack who just so happened to have a thing for my Triple N. She giggled and batted her eyelashes and thought the story of Edward trying to save the squirrel was the "sweetest thing I've ever heard in my life". Yes, those were her exact words in a high-pitched, breathy voice. The whole time she took his vitals, she invaded his space and practically stuck her giant fake tits in his mouth. I wanted to wrap some of the IV tubing that was in the room around her throat and put her out of her misery. Or I should say out of _my _misery. God, I was such a jealous bitch. It was made even more ridiculous by the fact that Edward and I weren't even remotely a couple or anything close to it.

She finally left the room and Edward cocked an eyebrow at me. "What's wrong?" he asked.

I huffed and shrugged and pouted a little. "I was just afraid that she was going to put your eye out with one of those giganto tits she kept flaunting in your face."

He laughed. "Bella, are you jealous?" he asked, a smug grin on his face.

"No. Of course not," I grumbled, feeling my lower lip poke out into another pout.

"Not jealous, huh…? So, you wouldn't mind if I asked her out?" He raised an eyebrow at me.

My eyes narrowed into slits. "She's a slutty nurse whore. You can't go out with her. I bet she has a second job as a prostitute at night. Or she's a pole dancer… definitely not for you."

He threw his head back on the pillow and cackled. Then he rolled his head over towards my direction and his expression got serious. "I've told you before I only have eyes for one girl-"

"Mr. Cullen?" a doctor called out as he walked into the room. "Hello, I'm Dr. Banner," he said. "So you were bitten by a squirrel…"

The doctor told Edward that it was highly unlikely that the squirrel had rabies so they just ended up cleaning the wound thoroughly and gave him a tetanus shot. We finally made our way out to the waiting area to go home, and Rose was nowhere to be seen.

"She better not have left us here. If she did, I'm going to kick her big old ass," I mumbled as I pulled my phone out. I dialed her and waited. Right before it went to voice mail, she finally picked up.

"Yeah?" she answered, panting like she'd run a marathon.

"Where the hell are you? Did you leave the hospital? I swear to God, if you left us here-"

"No, I'm here."

"Where the hell are you?"

"Uh…" I heard what sounded like some strange muffled shuffling and heavy breathing and then she hung up on me. I just stood there staring at my phone in disbelief.

"What's going on?" Edward asked.

"I don't know. She said she was here, but then she hung up on me."

I hit re-dial on my phone and was listening to it ring when I heard Edward moan, "Oh, no," in a low, distraught voice. He was staring at something over my shoulder. "I'm gonna fucking kill him."

"What?" I asked as I turned my head in the direction Edward was staring. There walking down the hallway towards us was Emmett, still pulling up his zipper, his shirt un-tucked and his hair sticking up all over. Rose' was walking beside him, her blouse buttoned all funky where she'd missed a button. She had sex hair and a giant hickey on her neck. I could not believe it. When I'd left them, she hated Emmett's guts. How was it humanly possible to go from wanting to murder a man to fucking his brains out in a matter of what… fifteen minutes?

I had to agree with Edward. "You take care of Emmett," I said in a menacing voice. "I'm gonna fucking kill Rose."

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><p><strong>AN: So what did you think of Emmett? Bahahaha. I flove the nutcase. And how did you like his intro to Rose? ;))))**

**I had WAY too much fun writing this little diddy. I'm dying to know what you thought of it!**

**See you soon!**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: I've missed you guys! Have you missed me? I know it's been a while. I've been a reading FF fool. I'm such an addict, you have no idear. Hehe.**

**My beta, Twilifed113, is so lovely. She's the loveliest of them all. And mucho thanks to my pre-readers gjficfan and Lfcpam. The love that I have for those three chicks is completely embarrassing.**

**SM owns Twilight.**

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><p><em><strong>MY DEVIL<strong>_

_**CHAPTER 9**_

As I grabbed Rose's arm and yanked her down the hallway, I made sure to pinch the fire out of her while I was at it.

"_Ow_," she shouted as she yanked her arm away. "That fucking hurt!"

"I cannot believe you," I hissed at her. "Did you just fuck Edward's insane hulk brother in a coat closet?"

"_No_," she replied, looking at me like I was a complete moron. "It was a _supply _closet."

My eyes narrowed as my fist clenched into a tight ball. My middle knuckle popped up ready to sucker punch her right in her bright red, collagen-injected, smart ass lips. Yeah, I knew her lips were fake, and I was ready to pop one of them like a big zit.

"I thought you hated him," I said through gritted teeth. "I left you for what? Fifteen minutes? How in the hell did you go from hating him to fucking him in a _supply_ closet in a matter of fifteen minutes? What the hell is wrong with you?" I was so mad I think I actually stomped my foot.

"I don't know," she said in a whiny voice. "It just happened. I got up to go get a Coke, and he came up behind me and grabbed my ass. So I turned around and raised my hand to slap the shit out of him, but he grabbed it before I could and shoved me up against the Coke machine. And he just stared at me. I was so fucking pissed all I wanted to do was beat the shit out of him. He looked all pissed too, but then it somehow changed. And all of a sudden, he started kissing me, and it was the hottest fucking thing ever. We couldn't get our clothes off fast enough."

I rolled my eyes and stuck my finger down my throat while I made a gagging sound, causing her to snort. Her eyes furtively glanced up and down the hallway as if to make sure no one was listening. She leaned closer and whispered, "He's got the biggest cock I've ever seen and oh my god, he _so_ knows how to use it. Jesus, he was fucking my brains out when-"

Cringing, I covered my ears with my hands. "TMI, bitch, TMI."

She laughed lightly and tossed her hair over her shoulder. "But I still hate him. He's disgusting and those tattoos of his are just nasty, and he has them _everywhere_ even on his-"

"_Stop,_" I shouted. I did _not_ want to know any details regarding the location of the Hulkster's hidden tats. My BK burger was delicious earlier, but I most certainly didn't want to re-visit it. I could sense it wanted to make a re-appearance.

"Couldn't you have waited until we at least got out of the fucking hospital? When are you going to stop doing this shit? This is _so_ humiliating. I cannot believe you fucked Edward's brother in a damn closet! You don't even know him! Emmett... well, I think that man has some mental problems. I think he actually might be a little loony. But that's beside the point. You deserve so much better, and you need to start having more respect for yourself. You know I love you more than anything, but it's time to stop acting like this."

I dropped my hand that was wrapped around her forearm and stared up into her eyes. She towered over me like some kind of Ms. Jolly Green Giant with those stilettos she was wearing. I frowned as I watched in disbelief as her lower lip began to quiver and a lone tear slipped down her perfect skin. I must have hit a chink in Rose's armor because in all the years I'd known her, I'd never seen her cry, ever. I honestly thought she had defective tear ducts or something because watching _Beaches _or_ Titanic_ with her left me a blubbering mess and her completely dried-eyed.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I didn't mean to make you cry." I mean it was only one tear, but I felt like falling down and hugging her big old size eleven feet and begging for forgiveness for my giant mouth.

I watched as she wiped that one tear away. "No," she said, grabbing me in a tight hug, "you're right. I like being a tough-assed bitch; I hate letting people in."

"It's okay to let people in," I told her. "You let me in and it didn't kill you."

She smiled her eyes still a bit watery. "You are a pain in my ass."

"Maybe, but you still love me," I said with a grin. She just smirked and shook her head. I continued, "It might be time to make a few changes. It wouldn't be so bad to let a man get close to you; let him give you his heart and his love-"

"I'm that man," Emmett confidently voiced from behind me.

Rose blinked a few times as if to shake off the moment of weakness she just had. She scowled and it was like nothing had ever happened. "Fat chance in hell," she mumbled to Emmett. "Fuck off."

And… the bitch was back; the Rose that I loved, so soft and tender and cuddly.

I turned around and there stood Emmett with Edward slightly behind him. Edward's hair was standing up more than usual like he'd been yanking the shit out of it. He mouthed, "_I'm sorry_," to me to which I gave him a nod.

I glanced over at Emmett again, and the poor guy looked like someone had just clobbered him with a club and stolen his favorite puppy dog. "I'll fight for you," he said quietly.

"Fight who?" Rose asked in a sarcastic voice. "Just go away."

"I can't."

"What do you want from me?"

"I just want… you."

All right, I will admit it. Emmett, the hulking mental patient, had started to grow on me a little bit by that point.

"Well, get over it. A lot of men want me," Rose snapped at him. She grabbed my arm. "You ready to go?"

Boy was I ever. "Yeah-" I started to say before Emmett rudely interrupted me.

"You're not going anywhere," he told her.

"I'd like to see you stop me," she fired back at him with her hands on her hips, and her eyes glittering with hatred.

Emmett smiled, his dimples flashing as he charged towards her full steam ahead. He grabbed my best friend and tossed her over his shoulder like she weighed nothing. Rose let out a shriek and started kicking and beating the shit out of him with her fists. Rose was a big girl, all curvy and voluptuous, but she did kick boxing at the gym so she could pack a wallop. But Emmett completely ignored her and turned to me, sticking out his hand in a very polite manner. "Bella, it was fucking awesome meeting you today, but I gotta go." He turned around and marched out of the hospital leaving me and Edward standing there frozen in our spots, gaping in disbelief.

I turned to Edward. "Uh, is he coming back?" I asked.

"I doubt it."

"I thought he had to go to work!"

"I thought so too."

"How the hell are we supposed to get home?" I shouted, starting to panic.

"I have no idea."

"Is your brother on medication?"

"No, but I think he might need to be."

"I can't believe this!"

Edward turned to me, a worried look on his face. "I know. I'm sorry."

I waved a hand at him, dismissing his apology. "Trust me you have nothing to apologize about." _I_ was the one that had gotten us into this unbelievable mess in the first place.

I sighed and looked at my watch. "Well, let me call my brother and see if he can pick-" I stopped mid-sentence as my eyes widened and I gasped. I grabbed a hold of Edward's arm. "Oh my god, what about the squirrel?" I shrieked like an idiot.

"Uh…"

"I don't care if he is your brother. If that squirrel dies because he is somewhere fucking my best friend, I swear that I will hurt that man."

Edward pulled out his phone. "Let me text him," he muttered as he started pressing buttons.

"Tell him to drop the squirrel off at my house. He can just set him on the front porch."

Edward nodded and continued typing as I quickly pulled out my phone and dialed Jasper.

"Hey, Sissy, what's up?" he answered.

"Jazz, I need your help. My friend and I are over at the hospital-" I cut myself off as Edward tugged on my arm interrupting me.

"We can just take a taxi," he whispered.

I shook my head. I was already racking up a monster bill with his hospital visit. I sure as hell wasn't made of money so I didn't want to add any more to it if I didn't have to.

"Nah, he can come get us," I said quickly.

"Are you hurt, Bella?" Jazz anxiously asked. "What the hell is going on?"

"No, I'm fine. It's a long story, but we need a ride home. Can you come get us?"

"I was just getting ready to go to work, but I can have Tanya pick you up."

_Fuck my life._

No way in hell was I going to let my hoe bag sister-in-law get a gander at my gorgeous Triple N. I'd rather shove IV needles through my nipples.

"Never mind… we'll find another way home. I'll call you later, okay?"

"Are you sure? I can call into work if you need me to."

"No, no. Everything's fine. We're good."

Jasper was worried and argued with me for a few more minutes. He was such a great brother. We finally hung up, and I looked at Edward. "Any word from Emmett?"

"Nothing."

"Let me try Rose." I dialed her number, and it went straight to voice mail. I wanted to punch something.

I looked up at Edward. "You might need to inquire about getting a hostage negotiator for your brother. It seems to me that he has some serious issues with kidnapping. Remember how he held us hostage earlier and wouldn't let us in his truck?"

"Yeah, he definitely needs _something_."

Edward touched my arm and pointed to some chairs. "Sit down and I'll call a taxi. I'm sure your thigh is still sore."

Dazed, I sat down. I watched him as he stood there on his phone. He was so thoughtful. I couldn't get over the fact that he was still thinking about me and my Charley-horsed thigh. My stomach did this weird flitter-flutter thing. I thought it was due to Edward's kindness, but it could have been gas from that charbroiled burger I had earlier.

"Taxi should be here in a few," he said, smiling as he sat down next to me.

"Great."

We sat quietly for a few minutes. Finally, I turned to him. "Look, I am so sorry for this whole mess I've dragged you into. I've caused so many problems; I just feel awful."

"You're right," Edward said, a devilish smile curving his lips. "You have caused me a lot of trouble. But there are a few ways you could make it up to me..."

"Oh, no, don't go and get all pervy on me, _friend_."

His eyebrows shot up into his hairline. "Me? Pervy?" he asked all innocent-like. I gave him the 'you are so full of shit' look, which caused him to bark out a laugh. "Okay," he conceded. "I guess you already know that I am a bit of a pervy guy, but you need to get your mind out of the gutter, my little friend. That was not what I was going to say. There are plenty of 'friendly' ways that you can make it up to me."

My eyes narrowed. "Like what?"

"Well, you can start by coming over to my house tonight and taking care of me." He held up his bandaged hand. "I am in pain," he said as he stuck his lower lip out in a pout and gave me the 'sad eyes'. Even though he was being annoying, he was cute. The things I wanted to do to that pouty lip. I wanted to lick it, suck it, and growl and gnaw on it like Diablo did with my deceased Duncan.

I cracked a small smile. "All right, I guess I can do that."

He sat back in his seat with a smug little smile on his sexy lips to which I just rolled my eyes.

It took half an hour for our taxi to show up. Once we got back home, we argued for a solid five minutes on who would pay for the damn thing. That man was as stubborn as I was. The taxi driver was huffing and puffing and his face was all red when he finally yelled out, "_Please,_ woman, let the man pay me for god's sake so I can get the hell outta here." So I relented and let Edward pay. I made sure to make a mental note to add it to the hospital bill.

We turned towards my house and there on my front porch sat the infamous brown cardboard box. My mouth dropped open and my eyes widened as I looked at Edward. He turned to stare at me and looked equally shocked. "Well, I guess he got my message."

"More like he was terrified of wearing a squirrel turban," I said with a giggle.

We made our way up on my porch to the box, which was eerily quiet. That's when I got scared that maybe the squirrel had already passed on through the pearly gates. Edward and I stood quietly side by side as we stared at it. Finally, I broke the silence. "Go see if he's still alive," I whispered as I elbowed him.

"Are you kidding me? After that thing attacked me? I don't think so."

"He won't bite you."

He held up his hand. "And what do you call this, a kiss?"

"That was like a freak accident or something, and it only happened because you touched him. Just open the box and peek inside and see if he's still breathing."

"Why don't you do it?"

"_Because_ I can't bear to see him if he's ya know… gone over to the other side."

Edward began working this muscle in his jaw that made it do this weird clenching thing as he muttered something unintelligible under his breath and stomped away from me. I stared after him with my mouth hanging open, convinced that he'd had enough of my stupidity and was going back home, for good. But instead, he picked up a stick from my yard and gave me an evil glare as he stomped back past me towards the box. He stayed as far away from it as he could as he carefully used the stick to flip open the flaps. I watched the box with baited breath, waiting for some kind of movement or sound, but there was still nothing.

Edward's eyes found mine. We stared at each other for a moment before he stepped closer to the box. He peered down cautiously into it. After a moment, he lifted the stick, and slowly stuck it down inside. My heart was pounding as I watched. All of a sudden, that squirrel revived and made the worst scuttling sound in that box I'd ever heard. Edward jerked back, dropping the stick as I let out a startled scream of terror.

Some kind of garbled strangling noise escaped from Edward, and the next thing I knew I found myself wrapped up in his arms. My heart was about to beat out of my chest as I looked up into his eyes. His eyes were as big as softballs and his mouth was gaped open a little as he breathed heavily. He looked absolutely terrified, and I immediately busted out laughing. He started laughing with me and we laughed and laughed until we both had to wipe tears from our eyes.

"That stupid squirrel scared the shit out of me," Edward said in a breathy voice before he barked out another laugh.

"Me too," I said with a giggle as I swiped at my eyes again.

He cleared his throat. "What are you going to do with him?"

Good question. "Um, I need to go in and see if there are any animal rescues around that will take him."

"You could call Animal Control," he said in a low voice.

"Yeah, so they can kill him. I can't believe you said that."

He grinned. "Sorry."

"Do you think I should give him some food or water? What do squirrels eat?"

"How the hell would I know?"

"Will you stay out here and watch him while I go in and grab my laptop?"

He studied my face for a moment, his expression incredulous. "You're serious. You want me to babysit a squirrel?"

"Just for a second," I said as I stepped around the box and pulled my keys out of my bag. "I'll be right back."

Once I got inside, I realized that I needed to go let Diablo out. That little squirt bag was so happy to see me. "Oh my little baby chicky nugget that I wanna gobble up. I wub you so much. I missed my baby doll," I cooed to him as he tried to lick the freckles off my face. His little tail was going a mile a minute and I swear it looked like he was smiling. I hugged him and kissed all over his stinky little face before I let him outside. Grabbing my laptop, I stepped out the front door and sat down next to Edward on the steps.

Quick-like I did a Google search and found a wildlife rescue website in the Seattle area. "Oh. It says here to not give them food or water," I said as I read the site.

"There are some people in this country that would consider _him_ to be the food."

"Yuck! That's disgusting."

"Haven't you ever heard of people eating squirrel brains and eggs?"

I gasped. "_No_."

"Yeah," he said with a shrug. "I've heard of it."

"Oh my god, that is the most revolting thing I've ever heard of."

My stomach was churning as I pulled my phone out and dialed the wildlife number. Luckily for me, someone answered. I told them briefly what had happened, and they gave me an address where I could drop him off. I quickly relayed the conversation to Edward.

"Okay. Are you ready to go?" he asked as he stood up.

"Huh?"

"Do you need to put your dog up before we leave?" he asked.

"You're going… with me?"

He chuckled. "Well, I'm too emotionally invested to drop out now."

I nodded before I stepped back into the house. I wasn't really sure what he meant by that. Was he emotionally invested in the squirrel or in me? I finally just gave up questioning it and decided that he had to be more concerned about the squirrel than I thought. I quickly put Diablo up and when I got back outside, Edward had already put the squirrel in the back of my SUV.

"I think we should give him a name," I announced as I backed out of the driveway.

"Who?"

"The squirrel," I said in an 'isn't it obvious' voice.

Edward was so quiet that I had to glance at him. He was staring at me like I had sprouted an alien head from my nostril.

"I'm serious. Let's see… what rhymes with squirrel?" I said. I frowned as I concentrated, trying to come up with a name. "Okay. I've got it... Earl the squirrel!" I shouted in triumph.

Edward snorted. "And what if Earl is a girl? Holy shit, I'm rhyming. Can you just take me home now?"

I busted out laughing. "Okay. If it's a girl, she can be, uh… Pearl. Pearl the squirrel. It's perfect!"

"I've got one," Edward chimed in. "How about Herman the vermin?"

"Earl's not vermin!"

"Yes, he is, Bella."

"No, he isn't. Vermin are nasty creatures like rats and possums. Earl is definitely not in that category."

"I'm naming him Herman," Edward said defiantly.

"What if it's a girl?"

"Won't matter… it'll still be Herman to me."

I rolled my eyes but couldn't help the smile that was on my face because the gorgeous man was being such a good sport about everything.

When we got to the center, we sat out in the waiting area for about fifteen minutes before someone finally came out to get Earl. I briefly told the vet the story of how we'd found him.

"I'm so sorry that you got bit," she said to Edward. "That's why we recommend that people don't touch any wild animals. That needs to be left to the professionals," she said with a smile.

"So what will happen to Earl?" I asked her as I eyed the box.

"Earl?"

"That's his name."

"Herman," Edward mumbled while he tried to hide it behind a cough. I gave him the stink eye.

"Oh… Earl the squirrel. That's cute," she said with a laugh. "Um, we'll do a physical examination and treat any injuries that he may have. Then once he is well enough, we'll introduce him back into the wild."

I wondered if he had a little family that he left behind. "Where? Where do you release him?"

"We have an area where we release all of our animals. It's a very safe area away from roads and people." That did not make me feel better.

"What if his injuries are really severe? What if he has a disease or something?"

"Well, if that is the case, then we have other alternatives-"

"Like what?" My heart started racing because I knew she was talking about killing Earl.

Edward grabbed my elbow. "Thank you so much for taking care of the squirrel for us," he said to the vet. "I'll make sure to send you a donation." Then he started pulling me towards the door.

"Wait-" I said before Edward interrupted me.

"Bella, we need to go," he said. "They will take perfect care of Herman, I promise."

"No. They're going to kill Earl!"

He kept his grip firm on my arm as he opened the door and tugged me through it. I looked over my shoulder. "Bye, Earl," I yelled.

Once we got outside, I yanked my arm away from Edward. "You didn't even let me say goodbye."

"Trust me, he heard you."

I made a huffing sound as I stomped around to the driver's side.

"Listen, if I'd let you stay a minute longer, you'd have grabbed that box and ran," he called out.

How did that man know me already?

Once we got back home, Edward reminded me that he needed me to come over to his house and take care of him and his _very_ sore hand. He was playing it up big time. I told him that I needed to feed Diablo and that I would be over shortly.

Just as soon as I got Diablo outside, my phone rang.

"Where are you?" I demanded as soon as I answered it.

"I'm at Emmett's tattoo shop," Rose said.

"Are you a hostage? He doesn't have you strapped down against your will, inking up your skin with something really scary like some Hulk on Hulkette action, does he?"

She snorted. "_No._ I can guarantee you that he'll never get one of those needles near my skin." She laughed lightly.

"What's going on? Are you okay?"

She sighed heavily. "Yeah, I'm okay. I'm not really sure what's going on. He's turning out to be a little different than I originally thought."

All kinds of bizarre things started flitting through my head. Him in a playroom wearing a green rubber suit and a mask with a breathing apparatus that sounded like Darth Vader. "Do I need to come get you? Are you in trouble?"

"Hell, no, I didn't mean it like that. He's, I don't know, kind of a nice guy. Since I told him I hated tattoos and tattoo parlors, he told me he wanted me to stick around tonight at the shop with him so that he could… in his words, 'change my view and see the artistic side of it'. Which I still think is bullshit, but he has me intrigued."

I made some sort of 'hmmppff' sound.

"And believe it or not, he hasn't touched me so I wouldn't mind finishing what we started earlier at the hospital-"

"Okay, that's it. I've heard enough. I gotta go. _Now_," I shouted, which caused her to laugh heartily. I smiled. "You call me for anything, you understand? Emmett might be acting like the gentle Dr. Banner right now, but he could morph green on you at any moment. And if he does, I'll come with the S.W.A.T. team to rescue you, got it?"

Rose giggled. "Thank you, Bella-bitch. I love when you get all protective and gangsta."

"I love you, too, Rosy-Posy. Call me tomorrow. And _please_ be safe. Use like two condoms at a time… or better yet, maybe a rubber suit." I'm sure he had one hidden somewhere in that tattoo shop.

After I got Diablo taken care of and changed my clothes, I went over to Edward's house and knocked on the door. When he answered, I just stared at him dumbfounded. He was standing there in a dark blue v-neck T – with a spattering of the sexiest chest hair ever peeking out – paired with jeans and… bare feet. Holy fuck. What was it about men in jeans and bare feet? There was just something about it that was so sensual. I didn't understand the appeal but it was absolutely, unbelievably appealing to me. And he had _really_ nice feet too. I had a thing for feet. And if his had been gnarly I don't know what I would have done. The rest of him was so perfect that I think I would have tolerated it and just made him wear socks around me all the time. Jesus, I was getting the cart ahead of the horse. As if we were even going to get together in the first place.

My eyes trailed slowly up from his feet to his face. God, he looked so fucking hot that I think my tongue fell out of my mouth, and I started panting like a St. Bernard wanting to sink its teeth into a T-bone. The man was so out of my league that it was comical.

"Something wrong?" he asked with a sexy smirk as I tried to corral my tongue back into my mouth.

I cleared my throat. "Um, no?" Not sure why, but I said it like a question.

His eyes slowly inspected me from head to toe. They were so intense, I felt they held some kind of special x-ray vision powers and that he could see right through my clothes to my naked skin. I shivered as my face began to spark with flames. When his eyes met mine again, he smiled lazily. "You look… bewitching." That word was so fucking sexy rolling off his lips.

"Bewitching?" I repeated. My hair was in a ponytail, and I was wearing yoga pants and a hoody. I was the farthest thing from bewitching that ever existed. "I don't think that is an appropriate thing to say to a friend."

"What? There's nothing wrong with finding my friend to be incredibly attractive. I'm just being truthful. No sexual innuendos intended, merely visual observation."

I just grinned and rolled my eyes.

He grinned back at me as he held open the door. "Come on in," he said.

I really, _really_ didn't want to go into his house. I'd been avoiding it and for a good reason. Because of what I'd seen go down in it. Or I should say when I saw _him_ go down and had that super model's pussy for three square meals, hors d'oeuvres, appetizers, and after-dinner mints. I can't describe how much I regretted my pervy ways in that moment. I wished so much that I hadn't seen what he'd done with her, to her, in her, up her. You get my drift. I hated that I'd been so nasty and horny and watched him do those hot things to that woman.

My heart was pounding, and I felt a little light-headed as I stepped inside and looked around. His house was laid out differently than mine almost as if it were the mirror opposite. It definitely had the 'bachelor pad' feel to it; everything was sleek and modern. There was soft music playing in the background.

"Have a seat," he said from behind me. "Are you hungry?"

Maybe that was why I felt so light-headed; I was starving. "Yeah," I said. I stopped and stared down at the couch… the same couch where I'd seen buffet girl riding him like he was a stallion. I swallowed hard and made myself sit. Suddenly, eating didn't sound so good.

"How's Kung Pao sound?"

I nodded. "Good," I lied.

He smiled brightly as he pulled out his phone. He sat down on the couch next to me and placed the order.

After he hung up, he stared at me for a minute. His brow furrowed. "Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said as I waved my hand at him.

"You sure?" His face was so full of concern. It made me feel so badly because he'd die if he knew I was fretting over my porn viewage of him.

"I'm good."

He raised an eyebrow at me, but I simply smiled. It felt like a weak smile, but I tried.

"Come on, I'll show you around," he said as he stood. I followed him as he showed me each room. Every room, every_thing_ he showed me in his house, I couldn't help but wonder if he'd banged that woman on it, in it or around it. It was driving me insane. I didn't know why it bothered me so much. He said he didn't have feelings for that woman any more. But they _were_ in a relationship before, and he did bang the holy moly shit out of her. I felt like I might vomit when we got to the table in his kitchen. Flashes of him with that woman hit me hard. So hard. I prayed that we wouldn't have to eat there.

I followed him back into the living room, and we sat back down on the couch.

"How's your thigh?" he asked.

I frowned at him. "Huh?"

"Your Charley horse?" he prompted.

"Oh. It's fine," I lied again. It was sore as hell.

Edward stood up. "Lay on your stomach."

"Huh?" I was so articulate around him.

"Lay on your stomach," he repeated.

My eyes narrowed. "Why?"

"You don't trust me?"

"Not even a little bit."

He grinned as he threw his hand over his heart. "I can't believe my bewitching friend doesn't trust me. I'm going to have to work on that. Now come on. I promise you can trust me on this one. Please?"

I was a goner; hearing that sexy man say please did me in. He was so ridiculously hot. "Fine," I said as I stood up. "Should I take my shoes off?" I didn't want to mess up his couch.

"Sure," he said, looking all happy because he was winning.

I quickly slipped off my shoes and nervously lay on my stomach. I lifted my head so I could see him. "You're not going to do anything ornery are you?"

He winked at me. "Of course not, now lie down and relax."

Sighing, I laid my head down on my arms and closed my eyes, trying unsuccessfully to get my body to chill the fuck out.

"It was this thigh, right?" he asked. All he did was touch the back of my thigh, and I jumped almost a foot in the air. And I swear I somehow felt that touch on my clit.

He immediately removed his hand. "Did that hurt? I didn't hurt you, did I?"

No words would come out of my mouth so I cleared my throat roughly. "Um, no…" God, I was so embarrassed because I was already almost panting.

"Good. Now relax. I'll make this good for you."

And… suddenly I was wet between my thighs from just his words. His voice was so sexy I could have gotten off on it alone.

I tried not to jerk violently when I felt his hands touch my thigh again. My heart started thudding against the couch, and my mouth was open as my breathing got all whacked out. Thankfully, he kept his touch very light as the whole back of my thigh was incredibly tender. His hands were magical. I wanted his fingers to move higher. I was so high-strung that I think one slight touch on my clit would have made me explode at that point.

"Does it feel good?" he asked, his voice all deep and sensuous.

I tried to answer; honestly, I did. But all that came out was a really, loud embarrassing moan. I was so hot and bothered that I was afraid that if he talked any more, the combination of his sexy voice and hands on my thigh would send me into an orgasmic state.

But my moment of ecstasy didn't last long as we were rudely interrupted by someone knocked loudly on the door. "Holy shit," I shouted as I jumped in surprise. My heart almost fell out of my chest.

I scrambled to quickly sit up on the couch as Edward stood up. The tops of his cheekbones were pink. And I couldn't stop my eyes from landing on the humongous bulge in his jeans from his swelled bratwurst. "That was fast," he mumbled as he made his way to the door. I smiled when I caught him having to adjust himself. I was relieved that he seemed to be as affected by the massage as I was.

I had a perfect view of the doorway from where I sat on the couch. And I couldn't believe what my eyes were seeing. For there stood his slutty realtor buffet woman supermodel whore wearing a tan trench coat that just barely met her knees tied with a belt. And she had on a pair of black strappy hooker heels that looked to be about six inches tall.

"Edward," she said in a throaty voice. "Thought I'd come by and surprise you." She undid her belt and let the coat gape open. It was like she was an in-the-flesh version of a Victoria's Secret ad. Curvaceous, large round breasts pushed up in a black see-through bra – yes, I could see the slutbag's nipples. And she was wearing matching black see-through panties – yes, she waxed. I mean, this wasn't something new; I had seen the woman naked before. But, damn it, I hated that the hoochie was absolute perfection. But I think what I hated most was that she'd had Edward, _m_y__ Triple N. She'd gotten to feel every inch of his beefy bratwurst. She'd been with him _that _way. She'd felt and experienced his passion. And I hated her for it. The anger and jealousy that came over me almost knocked the breath from my lungs. I started to feel a little violent.

Edward's head twisted around, his panicked eyes finding mine.

It was in that moment that I realized I was one of the unluckiest people in the universe.

Because I had a front row seat to a bratwurst booty call.

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><p><strong>AN: ;0) Reviews make me write faster. They really do! Love you guys!**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: How's that for a fast update? Hehe. Does it make up for how long I took last time? *flashes Diablo's puppy dog eyes* I told you I'd update fast if you reviewed. ;0)))**

**My beta Twilifed113 is so super awesome. I love her almost more than Edward. Almost but not quite. And my pre-readers gjficfan and Lfcpam are the bestest that ever was.**

**SM owns Twilight.**

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><p><em><strong>MY DEVIL<strong>_

_**CHAPTER 10**_

Edward was still staring at me with that horrendous look on his face. His expression resembled the look a person gets when a wave of diarrhea hits and there's not a restroom within a 50-mile radius, pure unadulterated shock and terror. I don't think he even blinked. It was like he was frozen on the spot and couldn't move.

My eyes darted to _Miss I Am a Ho_. And her eyes were on me now. They were curiously inspecting me as she _finally_ decided to slowly close up her coat and hide her barely-there underwear. Of course she left the top of the coat gaping open way too much so that she had a vomitus amount of cleavage showing. Her lips formed into a grim line, and her eyes took on a hard edge.

_Bring it on, slutty pants. Two can play at this game, you big-eyed bimbo._

My eyes narrowed as I stood up. I must have stepped on the lever to unfreeze Triple N because he suddenly roared back to life. He whirled back around and addressed the whore. "Um, I have company so this isn't a good time."

"Oh," she said as her condescending eyes landed back on mine. "Well, there wasn't a car in the driveway so I thought you were alone-"

"I'm _not_ alone," he reaffirmed. "I'll call you later, okay?"

For a minute, I thought that I'd heard him wrong. He couldn't have possibly said he was going to call her later. Call her after everything we'd been through with Earl and the massage and the big brat he had in his pants from the massage? But, _no_, none of that mattered because he was still going to call her. I wanted to snatch him bald-headed for that remark. He was supposed to kick her bony ass to the curb and shout, "I never want to see you again, you slut!" while I gleefully clapped, yodeled, and did a little River Dancing.

"Aren't you going to introduce me to your little friend?" she asked, flashing what looked like dentures and giving him a flirty little smile. Yeah, I had a little friend he could show her; I just needed to run to the nearest gun store to get it. The depth of the violent thoughts lurking inside my head at that moment was a bit astonishing; in my mind, I wanted to do some quite barbarous things to that slutapotamus. And the majority of those things involved the belt she was wearing and her scrawny neck.

Edward turned around to look at me again. I hoped I didn't look how I was feeling because I felt positively murderous. He frowned as he studied my face for a few more seconds. Then he turned back to her and rubbed the back of his neck. The man looked like he was about to have a nervous breakdown. "This really isn't the best time…" he told her, his voice trailing off.

_No shit, Sherlock._

My eyes zoned in on buffet bimbo as she stood in the doorway and was suddenly illuminated like someone had just shined a big ass spotlight on her and she was about to walk down a fashion show runway. She turned to look behind her as I heard loud music playing and a car door slam.

_Our food._

I'd forgotten about the damn food. Fuck the Chinese chow. Who cared about food right now when there was a ho-down about to go down.

Edward's hand was on his head, his fingers tightly grasping a big chunk of his hair, his other hand on his hip. He seemed to have lapsed into that 'frozen' state again.

"Uh, $22.50," the delivery guy mumbled. I was happy to see Edward get unstuck and start moving again. He let go of his hair and quickly dug his wallet out of his jeans just as the hobag-skankenstein made this deft maneuver around him while he dug cash out for the delivery guy. She was smooth and stealthy; I had to give her that.

The slag was moseying right towards me now. My eyes were getting exhausted from bouncing back and forth between her and Edward. I was a bit worried about my poor Triple N. He looked frazzled as he juggled trying to pay, getting rid of the delivery dude and watching skanky and me all at the same time.

She sauntered over towards me and sat down, crossing her long legs. Her trench coat hiked up to her mid-thigh, which didn't seem to bother her one bit since she was a floozy. I was still standing by the couch and hadn't uttered a single word since she'd shown up.

We locked eyes. Hers were filled with suspicion and contempt. I could sense that she hated not knowing who I was, not knowing my relationship with Edward. And my suspicions were confirmed when she barked out, "Who are you?"

I raised an eyebrow. "Who are _you_?" I asked back, obviously knowing exactly who the hell she was – _Whorezilla_ - but I wanted to hear what she had to say for herself.

She smiled, as if she held a deep, dark secret. "I'm Edward's _friend_. His _very… special…_ friend." She dragged the words out slowly, each syllable dripping with innuendo as she cocked a perfectly arched eyebrow back at me.

Just as I was about to launch myself on top of her to claw out her beady eyeballs, Edward stepped up next to me. He dropped the bag of food on the coffee table and wrapped an arm around my waist, pulling me in close to his side. Frowning and confused as hell, I looked up at him. He just smiled down at me and winked. "Leah, this is my girlfriend, Bella Swan. Bella, this is Leah Clearwater, my _realtor_." I was still staring up at his face when I heard Leah gasp.

"Your _girlfriend?_" she repeated in disbelief. I almost repeated the same question, but I couldn't because I was stunned speechless.

"Yes, my girlfriend," Edward confirmed, still staring down at me. The warmth of his arm wrapped around my waist was sinking into my skin, making it tingle and burn. "It's been a bit of a whirlwind relationship," he said. His eyes were so intense. The emotion reflected in those green pools took my breath away. I knew all of the words coming from his luscious lips were big fat lies, but his eyes showed something else entirely… truth. And it didn't make any sense.

But then I had a light bulb moment; I remembered his profession. Lawyer man was one hell of a deceiver. "We met and things developed rather quickly. Sometimes you meet someone and… there's just something there, an instant connection. And you just know that they're the one, the _only_ one." Holy hell. The man should have been a used car salesman because I fell for every word of his bullshit. He had just zapped all of the wind from my lungs and turned me into a quivering pile of heart-shaped red Jell-O. I was ready to marry the man and birth ten children for him with absolutely no drugs.

Edward cleared his throat before he finally tore his gaze away from me. "Anyway, Bella is aware of our past," he said, staring directly at Leah, "and I'm really sorry that I didn't get a chance to talk to you before now because if I had, I could have prevented this very awkward situation. But I've been spending every free minute that I can with Bella." He looked back down at me again and gave me this soft, panty-poofing crooked smile. "I can't seem to stay away from her."

My eyes widened as my breathing got all embarrassingly loud like I'd just ran up 40 flights of stairs. I couldn't help my response to him; I smiled back all doe-eyed, and weak in the knees, my heart about to bounce out of my chest and take off sprinting down the street. I was a sucker for that sexy beast, and his wetness-inducing words.

His grasp around my waist tightened before he turned back to Leah. "Bella and I have had a really crazy day, and we were kind of hoping to relax this evening. I want her all to myself. So if you don't mind, I'll see you out now."

Cue giddy clapping, yodeling, and a 'lil bit more 'o the River Dancing. And, hell, I was ready to throw in some clogging too. I had a really hard time maintaining my composure. I looked at her and arched a hairy, very-much-in-need-of-arching eyebrow at her with a bit of a smug grin on my face.

The bratwurst booty call had been bamboozled!

I gleefully watched as the bitch looked like her head was about to explode. She huffed and muttered something under her breath as Edward followed her to the door. I sank to the couch in relief as he closed the door behind her.

Edward was quiet when he came back over to the couch and sat down beside me. I didn't look at him, but I could hear him take in a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"What a mess," he mumbled.

"You can say that again," I said as I looked at him.

"_Why_ did you watch me fuck her?" he asked out of the blue, shocking the hell out of me.

"Say what?" My face felt like it had hit the boiling point. "Why didn't you hang curtains up before you fucked the skank, huh?"

"Well, you didn't have to watch."

"Well, you didn't have to do it in front of your open windows for the whole world to see. I bet someone in the neighborhood taped it and posted it on some porn site so there are probably perverts all across the nation watching you bang that she-hag ho-bag. I'm sure I'm not the only one that's seen your behemoth bratwurst."

Ever had a moment in life that you wish you could rewind? And then erase it permanently from history? I had one of those moments. If there had been some scissors or an axe around, I would have chopped my tongue out.

My mortified eyes flew to Edward's face. He must have just taken in a big breath or something just as those horrible words spewed from my mouth because all of a sudden, this huge gust of air – along with some spit – flew out of his mouth as he started bellowing in laughter. My hands covered the searing heat of my face as uncontrollable giggles started popping out of me. I peeked through my fingers at Edward and he was howling, all hunched over on the couch, holding his stomach. He was gasping for air, and that's when I lost it. I laughed until my sides ached like someone was pounding them with their fists. I was moaning and got a little scared that I was going to die because I couldn't catch my breath. And that's when I fell off the couch and started rolling around on the floor.

"Oh shit. I'm dying," Edward groaned between the occasional snort and convulsion. I pulled my hoody up over my head and began wiping my eyes as I lay on my side between the coffee table and the couch. My gut ached like I'd just done a thousand sit-ups.

_"She-hag ho-bag?"_ Edward repeated before he busted out again. I was just thankful that he wasn't focusing on the last part that I had muttered.

After I finally pulled myself together somewhat, I kept the hoody on – actually I had it pulled together in the front so that even my face didn't show - and climbed back onto the couch. I didn't dare make eye contact with him. I was beyond humiliated and afraid of catching the giggles from him again. They were dangerously contagious.

Edward coughed a few times and cleared his throat. "That's not the first time I've heard you reference my cock," he said, his voice all hoarse from laughing.

My head jerked towards him and I moved the hoody so that one eyeball could view him. "Huh?"

He had that really annoying smile on his face that people get when they know shit that others don't. I wanted to kiss it off his face. "Remember that night you got drunk?"

"Yeah...?"

"You happened to let the name slip that night."

"_Shit..."_ I moaned, covering up my lone eyeball that had been eyeballing him.

"Now that I have you sober, I would like to discuss this for a minute. I can't believe you named my cock that," he said. "Do you know how emasculating that is?"

"Emasculating? I was giving you a compliment. You do know what the word 'behemoth' means, right?"

He chuckled lightly. "Okay. I'll give you that one." He lowered his voice. "So, you thought it was big? You saw it from quite a distance… imagine what it looks like up close-"

"Not listening to you," I shouted.

He laughed again. "This is such a fucked-up mess."

"I know."

There was a tugging on the back of my hoody and suddenly my head was exposed. I gasped and tried to grab it to shove it back over my head. "Hey, quit hiding. Don't be embarrassed."

"How can I not be embarrassed? I can't believe my mouth said all that stuff. I mean I understand slipping up when I was drunk, but what the hell excuse do I have now?"

"Hey. Look at it this way. You made me laugh until I couldn't breathe, and they say laughter is good for the soul. So you're good for me."

I finally got my nerve up to look at him. He was grinning. I smirked and shook my head.

"Look. I want to be serious here for a minute," he said. "I am _really_ sorry about Leah showing up like she did. I had no idea she was going to come over."

I nodded. "Why did you tell her I was your girlfriend?"

"Well, I wanted her to leave, of course, but I knew she wouldn't go without some answers. And I needed to make it clear to her that what she came over for wasn't going to happen. Did it bother you that I told her you were my girlfriend?"

Of course not but I couldn't tell him that so I just shrugged. "No, but isn't she your… fuck buddy?" I asked as I tucked my leg underneath me and turned towards him on the couch.

"No. I don't know." He stared at me for a long moment before he sighed and jammed his fingers in his hair. "Maybe... Like I told you, we _were_ in a relationship, and we stayed friends after we broke up. And yeah, we hooked up occasionally. But, I know this sounds absolutely terrible, but it was only sex."

"She is incredibly beautiful."

"Yeah, she is. But you know what? Here's beautiful," he said as he motioned his hand towards the floor. "There are tons of beautiful people in the world. But you're bewitching. And bewitching is up here," he said with a grin as he lifted his hand way above his head. "Beauty is physical, but with you it's _not_ just physical. You cast a spell, like magic. I can't think of anything else when you're around. So bewitching is _way_ beyond beautiful. There's no comparison. And very few people fall into that category. But you…" he said, staring at me for a long moment. "_you _are most definitely bewitching."

My tummy was doing somersaults along with some cartwheels and some jumping jacks. I felt like I was going to melt into the couch. I had never heard words spoken like that before. The most romantic thing I heard out of Jared's mouth was when he quoted song lyrics like, "_Let's get it on._"

I cleared my throat. "Where did you learn to talk like that?" I asked. It had to be from years of trying to pick up women. I believed him when he said he wasn't a man whore, but maybe he was a chaser or something. Did that kind of thing exist? Maybe he got off on _trying_ to pick women up. God, his words had messed me up so much that my thought patterns were going nuts on me.

"Like what?"

"Like _that_. All that stuff you just said."

He shrugged. "I don't know. It just seems to come out when I'm around you."

I looked at him and he was giving me that half-grin. I didn't believe him, but I decided to drop the subject, for now. "So, were you in love with her?"

"No, definitely not… I was physically attracted to her, and we were friends. But that's it. I never loved her. Not even when we were dating."

"Is she still going to be your fuck buddy?"

"_No_, of course not… that's over. And I'll call her to make sure she's clear on the subject."

There was a lull in the conversation as we both sat there quiet for a few minutes. Edward broke the silence. "Want a beer?"

"Most definitely… Lite?"

He grinned. "Nope, I've only got the good stuff here."

I rolled my eyes.

"And how about some cold Chinese?"

"I'm in," I said quickly.

We sat around his coffee table for over an hour consuming lukewarm Chinese and cold beer. We kept the conversation light. He told me stories about all the trouble him and Emmett used to get into growing up. I told him about how I was the mean older sister. I had a few of my own tales of the torture I inflicted on poor Jazz.

I slipped my shoes on, getting ready to leave. "Well, it's been a really long day, and I need to get back over to Diablo. He's used to me being home during the week so I'm sure he's miserable right now." My eyes ventured down to his hand. "How's the hand, by the way? I'm so glad that I was able to help you out so much this evening. _Not._"

He laughed. "It's good," he said as he held it up for a second and looked at it. Then he dropped it down to his side. "But you did help me out. More than you know," he said cryptically.

I kind of frowned at him because what did that mean? That I helped him get rid of the skankmeister?

"Well, as soon as you get the hospital bill, let me know."

He smiled as he lifted one eyebrow. "Sure. Are you up for any deals? You know I don't like cash."

My eyes got big as I opened my mouth to shout at him but before I could, he yelled, "Just kidding!"

I gave him an angry glare as I left his house. "Bye, my bewitching neighbor," he shouted.

"Bye, Edward Asshole Cullen, Esquire," I shouted over my shoulder. I snickered as I stepped into my house because I could still hear him laughing.

When I went to bed that night, I tucked Diablo in my armpit and I couldn't sleep because I couldn't shut my brain down. I replayed every word that he had said; I pictured every look on his face. I even gave myself the giggles again when I remembered how hard we had laughed. I got so tickled and laughed so hard that Diablo had to lick the tears that slipped from my eyes. God, I loved hearing that man laugh. He said that _I_ had magical powers. _He_ was the one that had magical powers because he most certainly had me bewitched.

The following day was a Sunday. I didn't see Edward. Rose and I kept texting back and forth. She was hiding something because she was being evasive.

The next day, work was hell. We were months behind on cases so my boss kept pushing my buttons all day long trying to get me to produce more. So I was incredibly happy to turn my computer off at the end of the day. I was standing at the fridge, trying to figure out what to cook when someone knocked on my door. Since my first thought was that it could be Edward, my heart got all speedy and I thought I would get those flutter feelings in my tummy again. But all my stomach did was growl.

I tried to walk, not gallop to the door. I _really_ wanted it to be Edward. I hadn't seen him since the night before. Once I got a hold of Diablo, I opened the door. And there was my Triple N. And that's when I got those crazy flipping feelings in my gut and got all happy and giddy like I wanted to jump up and start doing some cheerleading moves.

"Hi," I said really loud because Diablo was going bonkers.

"Hi," he said back equally as loud. "Can I come in?"

"Oh. Duh. Yeah. Let me put Diablo up…" I started to turn, but Edward grabbed my arm.

"No. It's okay. You can let him down."

_What the fuck you say?_

I gave him the 'you must be outta your fucking mind' look because there was no way in hell I was going to put my snarling devil dog down. Was he having memory problems? Had he forgotten that he'd been attacked and bit by my dog and lost an expensive suit in the process? I wondered for a moment if he had a history of memory lapses.

"You want another bite?" I asked. "You've been bitten by my dog and a squirrel. Do you have a thing for getting bitten? Some kind of fetish I need to know about?"

"No," he said as he threw his head back and laughed. "Do you trust me?"

"Not one bit." We seemed to be repeating this conversation quite often.

"Put him down. I promise he won't bite me."

I frowned as I looked Edward over, checking to see if he had a stun gun or a Billy club or some kind of weapon hidden that he could hurt Diablo with. I saw nothing out of the ordinary. He was just wearing jeans, a T-shirt, and flip-flops. My eyes stayed on his feet. Oh god. What if Diablo took one of his beautiful toes off? There's no way I could deal with that. Especially since his feet were one of my fetishes.

I shook my head. "This is a really bad idea."

He grinned even bigger. "Just do it. I promise everything will be just fine."

I don't know why I trusted that man, but I did. His voice was so soothing; his expression brimming with confidence. Closing my eyes, I said a little prayer as I did the Hail Mary cross thingy with my hand.

_Dear God, please don't let Diablo take Edward's pinky toes. I think they're the cutest. And even his big toes are really nice as well. If any toes have to go, please let it be one of the middle ones._

Opening my eyes, I stared into Edward's. He nodded, grinning from ear to ear.

Taking in a deep breath, I stared down at Diablo. I swear it looked like he was foaming at the mouth. His upper lip was all curled up, showing all of his little fangs. He was a barking, snarling, snapping miniature monster.

It seemed like I was in slow motion as I moved to put him on the floor. That's because I _was_ in slow motion. I tried to go as slow as possible so that I could stare at Edward's feet. I wondered for a moment if he would mind if I took some pictures of the 'before' and maybe even do some video. So that way I could watch it later while he was in the hospital having one of those pigs reattached.

Swallowing hard and keeping my eyes on those beautiful feet of his, I set Diablo on the floor and let go... and cringed because just as I had anticipated, he charged forward like a tiny bull directly at Edward's flip-flops. But to my disbelief, he ceased all noise; he was as quiet as a church mouse. I bent over, frowning and staring, trying to figure out why I hadn't seen blood or toes flying yet. I gasped loudly when I saw what Diablo was doing. For there in front of my unbelieving eyes, Diablo was licking the shit out of Edward's toes.

_Huh?_

Edward snickered, my eyes darting to his face. "That tickles," he said as he laughed again.

My mouth was hanging open, my eyes about to bug out of my head. My dog liked feet just like me. My dog had a foot fetish, and I didn't even know it.

Edward laughed again. "You should see your face right now," he said.

"Uh, he… I… my dog likes feet?" I asked.

Edward laughed and laughed.

"It's not funny," I said. This was serious business.

The man kept laughing. Finally, he said, "Watch." He bent down and stuck his hand out, and Diablo was licking all over him. I was completely befuddled.

"What the hell is going on? He hates you," I said. And then my eyeballs almost fell out of my head as I watched him pick Diablo up in his arms and stand up. Diablo was still kissing him all over his hand.

"This… I've… that's…" I couldn't even talk. I'd never seen another human being pick Diablo up other than me and the vet at the shelter. And the vet got bit. This was a _huge_ deal.

Edward gave me a Cheshire grin. "I pulled a Clooney," he said.

"A Clooney? What the hell is a Clooney?"

"Mind if I come in?" he asked. I numbly nodded as I let him in, and we sat down on my couch.

"What's a Clooney?" I demanded, kind of desperate. I _knew_ the man had some sort of magical powers.

"Well, I was on my way to work a while back and was listening to the radio. Apparently, George Clooney found a dog online that he wanted to adopt a dog, but he was anxious about the dog not liking him. So before he went to the shelter, he rubbed meatballs all over his shoes. The dog went nuts for him, and he took him home that day."

My brows furrowed. "You rubbed meatballs on your flip-flops?"

"No. It was a Big Mac." He smiled all proud.

"You rubbed a Big Mac all over your flip-flops so my dog would like you."

"Not just my flip-flops. All over my feet, hands and arms. Smell my arm," he said as he held it out.

My eyes stayed on his as I leaned forward, my nose almost touching his arm. And sure enough, it smelled just like a hamburger.

Keeping my eyes trained on his, I stuck my tongue out and gave his arm a little lick. He gasped slightly, his mouth dropping open.

This man had pulled a Clooney for me. He'd rubbed a Big Mac all over himself so that my devil dog would like him. What kind of a man does that? An amazing, thoughtful, astonishing man who just so happened to be missing a fuck buddy. I wondered if he was taking any applications for that position because I was more than ready to apply.

And that's when I knew Diablo needed to be put in his crate immediately…

Because I wanted to lick that man from the top of his gorgeous head to the soles of his beautiful feet.

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><p><strong>AN: There was something about this chapter that made me LMAO. I'm telling you, I had way too much fun writing it. I'm addicted to laughter. Isn't it a wonderful thing?**

**I'd love to hear from you because I'm also addicted to your words. Hehe. You guys make me smile and giggle so much. I treasure every word you write.**

**See you soon! **


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Hi, lovelies. ;0) I have the most beautiful readers ever. ;)**

**I can't thank my beta, Twilifed113, and my pre-readers gjficfan and Lfcpam enough for putting up with my dumb ass. They are the best chicks in the universe. I love you guys so much!**

**SM owns Twilight.**

* * *

><p><em><strong>MY DEVIL<strong>_

_**CHAPTER 11**_

My eyes locked with Edward's. I could feel them widening to cartoon character size proportions as he lunged towards me, pinning my body beneath his on my couch.

"It's about time," he mumbled under his breath, his eyes focused hungrily on my lips. I couldn't stop the air that exhaled from my lungs as I stared up into his impassioned dark jade eyes. I understood that fiery, half-starved look I saw there. Not that I had much experience with hungry looks, but I'd watched enough porn to know when a guy wanted to boink a woman, and Edward most definitely wanted to boink me. And a few seconds ago, I had thought for certain that I wanted to be brat-boinked by him as well. But now that I faced the reality that this could actually happen, it freaked me the fuck out. For some reason, I couldn't shake the feeling that this was all he wanted just sex… another boinking buddy. And I wished like hell that I wasn't such a crazy moronic person and didn't have so many hang-ups. I wished that I could have casual sex like Rose did. But I just couldn't. If I was going to share my body with a man, I also had to share the emotional side of myself. That was just the way I was programmed.

"Stop!" I shouted as I shoved my hands against his face and pushed, my index finger accidentally poking him in the eye.

"Jesus Christ," he grunted as his face scrunched up and he shut the eye that I poked. He spluttered a bit as he pulled slightly away from me. He frowned as he stared down at me with only one eye and muttered, "What the hell?" I looked up into his one good eye as my hands stayed pressed firmly against his chest.

"Oh shit. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to poke you in the eye. Are you okay?" I asked in a breathy voice, feeling like an idiot.

"No, I'm not okay. I'm fucking blind."

"Where's Diablo?" I was afraid that he'd somehow gotten squished between us and that we'd made a Devil's Food Sandwich.

The crease between his eyebrows got deeper. I could see a tear slipping out from his poor injured scrunched-up eye. "Here," he said in a 'duh' voice. Relief flooded me when I glanced down to his outside elbow and saw Diablo cradled in it, his mouth still working feverishly on Edward's fingers.

"Bella, what the hell is going on here?"

"What do you mean?" I could barely speak as the sexy, partially blind man was still half laying on top of me.

"This," he said as he nodded at me, staring angrily at me with one eye. "Just a second ago, you licked my-"

"No, I didn't," I snapped back with rapid-fire precision.

"Yes, you did, you-"

"Nope, did not."

Both eyes opened for just a second to give me the 'you are a fucking liar' look before he quickly squinted his hurt eye again. "Yes, you did, you-"

"It was an accident. I was, uh, licking my lips when you stuck your arm up in my face."

I watched as his lips quirked upwards on the edges like he was holding back a chuckle. "Uh, no, that was definitely a-"

"Taste test?" My face twisted up all funny because I knew what I was saying was so ridiculous. "I was just checking to see if, you know, it really tasted like a Big Mac."

He gave me the old 'you are so full of shit and piss' look, but it looked weird because he kept blinking his poor poked eyeball. He finally pushed off of me and sat up with a huff. I sat up as well and let out a shaky breath as I nervously smoothed my shirt down. I propped my bare feet up on the coffee table and stared at them.

"Why do you keep doing this?" he asked in an exasperated voice.

"Doing what?"

"Fucking with my head… you keep giving me mixed signals, Bella. I'm tired of you denying this thing that we have between us."

"I'm not-"

"Yes, you are. Every single time I try to get closer to you, you push me away."

"Because you, you, uh, you just…"

"What?"

"Because all you want is, is…" I stuttered, trying to get my words straight, " is to take a drive down Dirtysville Road," I said real fast while I stared at my chipped purple toenail polish and felt my face burst into hell's flames.

He busted out laughing, which made my face get even hotter. "It's not funny. I'm being dead serious here."

He hee-hawed a bit longer as I sat fuming. "I'm trying really hard to be annoyed with you because you just poked me in the eye and rejected me, but I can't stay mad at you even if I tried because you're so damn funny." I turned towards him. He smiled at me while he rubbed his eye. He dropped his hand and his poor eyeball looked all red and bloodshot. "I have to admit I really wouldn't mind taking you for a drive down Dirtysville Road sometime. Just so ya know," he said with a smirk.

"Ugh. Do you always have to be a pervert?"

He chuckled. "I'm just teasing. Well, there might be some truth to that…"

I turned my head towards him and gave him an evil glare. He just shrugged and gave me the 'I can't help myself' look.

"I didn't reject you," I stated.

"Uh, you most certainly did. You just schooled me in Rejection 101."

"Well, shit, I didn't mean to. I just kind of freaked out or something. Besides, why did you do that?"

He let out a non-humorous laugh. "For some strange reason that is beyond me, I found that little lick on the arm-"

I opened my mouth to deny it but he pointed his finger at me and gave me a look that shut me up. "Don't even try to deny what you did," he scolded me. "Anyway, for some weird reason, I found that to be really damn hot. And the way you were looking at me…" He shook his head and sighed. "I don't know. It's just that from the moment I met you, I've found myself incredibly attracted to you. And I'm still incredibly attracted to you since I made that pretty clear just a minute ago.

"Look, I can sense how skittish you are," he said, "but I just think that you should loosen up and give this thing between us a chance. See what happens. I think we could be really good together."

"But I thought we were just going to be friends-"

"I've changed my mind. I don't want to be your friend anymore."

"Why not?"

"Because I want more than your friendship, way more."

"But I just broke up with Jared. It's too soon. You'd be a rebound."

"I _want_ to be your rebound."

"Huh?" I stared at him like he'd lost his mind. "There's something wrong with you because nobody wants to be a rebound. Besides, I'm not that kind of girl."

He grinned while blinking his hurt eye. "Exactly… I know this about you. That's why I know I wouldn't be a rebound. It's not in your nature."

Shit. My shoulders slumped because I had no smartass awesome retort for that one. So I just sat there and pursed my lips in concentration. The man had me so confused that I didn't know which way was up. He obviously wanted me, duh. He'd thrown sexual taunts at me from day one. But what did he mean when he said he wanted 'more'? What was his definition of more… because I had a feeling that his definition and my definition were two totally different things.

Did he just want me to be his newest fuck buddy? I internally scoffed at that thought because that sure as hell didn't make any sense. I'm the last person in the universe he should be looking at to be his fuck buddy. He should have just moved in next door to Rose. She'd have been naked as soon as the words 'offer' and 'orgasm' left his lips. She was the type of person to do that shit with. Not me.

I knew I should have asked him what he meant by 'more', but I was just too scared to. All I could do was fret over it.

"What are you thinking?" he asked softly.

I looked at him, and he was winking at me again. "That you might like some Visine?"

He smiled and shook his head. "Not the answer I was looking for, but yeah, I could use some if you have any."

"I'll be right back," I said as I got up and went upstairs and grabbed a bottle out of my medicine cabinet. When I got back downstairs, I walked over to the couch; he stood up and handed me Diablo as I handed him the Visine. "Bathroom's right there," I said as I pointed. He smiled and nodded.

I sat back down on the couch and Diablo immediately jumped off my lap and took off like a bullet after Edward. I watched in disbelief as he followed him into the bathroom.

A few minutes later, Edward came back out carrying Diablo and the Visine. As he sat down on the couch, he handed me the bottle. I tossed it on the coffee table.

"Um…" Edward said as he stared down at Diablo. "I hate to tell you this, but… your dog is _really_ ugly."

"What? He's not ugly."

"Uh, yes, he is. Have you ever thought about putting him in one of those 'ugliest dog' contests?"

I gasped. "You didn't just say that."

He smirked and had this teasing greenish glint in his one good eye. The other one glinted red stripes. "Yeah, I did. He's _ug-l-y_," he dragged the word out in an exaggerated fashion.

"No, he's not. He's adorable."

"Ugly."

"Well… maybe a little. See, I think he's so ugly that he's adorable. I call him 'cugly' because he's cute _and_ ugly. He's kind of like one of those babies you see that is bald as a cue ball with really fat cheeks and big ears. And they're just so ugly that it makes them cute. He's like that."

His lips quirked upwards as he shook his head slightly. "Nope, I have to completely disagree with you on this one. He's just pure fugly."

I made a high-pitched 'uh' sound as I crossed my arms. He made me seethe because no one called my baby 'fugly'. I stayed that way for a few seconds before I scooted towards him and grabbed one of Diablo's hind legs. "Look at his paw," I said as I held it up so that the flat of his little foot faced upwards. "Look at how he has black spots on some of the pads on his little toes." I lifted his other paw so that he could see the pattern was different. The base color on Diablo's paws was pink. But on his right rear paw, his outside toe was black. And on his left, the inside one was black, with a few scattered black dots littering the other pads. "That is _so_ cute."

Apparently my foot fetish also extended to my dog as well.

"_You're_ cute," Edward said in a deep voice. I looked up at him and swallowed hard. I didn't realize how close I'd gotten to him. I was practically sitting in his lap.

His eyes dropped to my lips. He stared at them like he wanted to eat them. I gulped and could barely breathe.

"I want to kiss you again. Really badly," he whispered, his gaze still fixed on my lips. His tongue peeked out to wet his before his eyes lifted to mine. The intensity that I saw there made me feel weak and goo-ish. "I wanted to kiss you earlier when you licked my arm, but Jesus, it's even worse now."

I swallowed hard then cleared my throat. "No, I-"

"Just one kiss…"

There's never just 'one' kiss. One kiss leads to two and that leads to removal and sometimes destruction of underwear. I was no dummy.

My face scrunched up. "My breath stinks," I said out of the clear blue, shocking even myself.

Edward's mouth fell open, as a startled, just-got-the-hell-shocked-outta-him look crossed his face before he busted out laughing. "Your breath stinks," he said. For some reason, the man echoed my words a lot.

"Yeah, um, I had a…" My brain was so befuddled I honest to god couldn't remember what I had for lunch. It might have truly been something really rank if I could just remember what the hell it was. So I made up something. "Some liver and onions… with a side of garlic bread."

He shook his head as he snickered and made a bunch of adorable giggle sounds for a few minutes until he finally pulled himself together. "Okay. Prove it."

"Huh?"

"Let me smell your breath," he said while trying to disguise a grin.

"Yuck! That's gross. I'm not going to let you smell my breath." I started to panic because I _really_ needed to remember what I had for lunch because my breath could have been toxic.

"If you can't prove that your breath stinks, then you can kiss me."

My eyes narrowed into tiny slits. "You sound like a lawyer. I feel like I'm in court."

He grinned. "I do believe in upholding the law. So what's it going to be? Are you going to prove to me that you have stinky breath or let me kiss you?"

I glared at him while I thought over his proposition. Did I want to kiss Triple N? Feel those soft pouty lips on mine? Hell to the yeah. Of course I did. But the moment wasn't right. I mean, who has a conversation about kissing _before_ they actually kiss? First kisses are supposed to be magical and spontaneous. They are supposed to happen in romantic places like as you're walking hand in hand under a moonlit sky. Or as you laugh and chase each other on the beach as you watch the waves crash along the shore. It's not supposed to happen on your couch with your neighbor who at the moment smells like a fast food restaurant and has just insulted your dog. And after you've just had a discussion about how stinky your breath is.

I stood up off the couch with a huff. "Neither," I said. "I'm not doing either of those things. This is just weird."

Edward stood up, cuddling Diablo in his arms. "What do you mean?" he asked, his brows pulled together.

"This," I said, waving my hand between us for emphasis. "We can't just kiss like this. First kisses are supposed to be… special. I just, I don't know."

Edward made a sort of annoyed growling sound as he ran one hand through his hair, tugging on it. "You're driving me insane, Bella. I know I've gone about this the wrong way, but you've just been giving me all these different signals and-"

"I've been giving you _one_ signal. You've just not wanted to hear it."

"I don't believe you," he said in a firm voice. He stared directly into my eyes with confidence. Well, except when he needed to blink his poor fingernail-scratched eyeball, which was quite often.

I looked down at the floor. "Well, you're wrong."

"I'm not wrong. I want more with you. And I know you want it too so I'm going to prove it to you. Go out with me."

"What do you mean?"

"I want you to go out with me on a date."

"No."

"And why not?"

"I barely know you," I argued. "I mean, we just met, and I just broke up with Jared and I-"

"That's bullshit," he said as he took a step closer to me. "I've slept in your bed _with you_, helped you undress, I've seen your underwear, and you've already named my cock. We're way past the 'I barely know you' stage."

My brows pulled together as I chewed on my lip. Damn, he did have a point, or ten. But I had just broken up with Jared a week ago so I really felt like that was a justifiable cause. Because how would that make me look to jump into something with a new guy only a week after breaking it off with my boyfriend?

"And as far as your ex goes, you told me that you didn't love him. Has that changed?"

"No."

"Do you have any kind of feelings for him?"

"No."

"Good," he said with a satisfied nod. "I'll pick you up on Friday at eight o'clock. Wear something sexy."

Sexy? Huh? He was talking to _me_, right?

"But, I-"

"Oh, and here's your fugly dog back," he said with a smirk as he looked down at Diablo asleep in the crook of his arm. He looked up at me with a half-grin. "Guess he likes me now, huh?"

My lips thinned at his 'fugly' remark, but before I could say anything smartass, he handed him to me. His fingers grazed against my hands, making my breath catch. I looked up at him, and he was watching me intently as if to see what my reaction would be. I desperately wanted those fingers in other places, but I wasn't going to let him know that. So I dropped my eyes and chewed on my bottom lip.

"Well, I guess I'll see you on Friday, Isabella. I'm really looking forward to our date," he said.

"But see, I-"

"If you don't shut up, Bella, I may be inclined to have to kiss you right now and since this isn't a 'special moment', I don't think you'd be too happy about that, am I right?"

I gulped. "Uh…"

He threw his head back and laughed. I could only imagine what my face looked like. His got serious again. "Bye," he said in a soft voice.

I watched him in confusion as he left my house. And then I got pissed when Diablo started whining for him. "You traitor," I mumbled as I looked down at him. "It wasn't even a real Big Mac, you doof. It was just the odor of one. I'm going to have to go to damn McDonald's and buy you a _real_ Big Mac so you'll love me again, aren't I? You stinky little fart."

As I got myself and Diablo fed, my thoughts were consumed with Edward and our bizarre encounter and conversation. Why did he want to go out on a date with me? Did he find me a challenge, some kind of weird freakish sexual conquest? Just the thought of having sex with that man after he'd been with that supermodel made me queasy. I could never compare to her, ever.

I was driving myself insane with my thoughts.

Later that evening, just as I was about to take a shower, Rose finally called.

"Jesus, it's about time I heard from you. How long did the Hulk hold you hostage?" I teased. "Did he have to go back to the institution while you guys were together?"

"Shut the hell up," she muttered. "I didn't leave until this morning."

"What?" I shouted. "You stayed with that freak for two nights? Were you _really_ a hostage?"

"He's not a freak, Bella, so quit talking about him like that."

Emmett's not a freak? There was something really _strange_ going on with my best friend.

"No, that man _is_ a freak. What's going on?"

I could hear her let out a big sigh. "He is _so_ not my type-"

"He's not _anybody's _type."

"Would you just shut the fuck up and listen?"

I rolled my eyes. "Fine, I'll shut up." _For a couple of seconds._

"He's just… he has all those tattoos and Jesus, I hate tattoos. I fucking _hate_ tattoos. And he does that shit for a living. And I'm an accountant for Christ's sake."

"I know. You two are _so _opposite. I'm sure you have nothing in common at all." I needed to help pound that point into her brain.

"But he's… he's fucking with my head." I understood where she was coming from because Emmett's brother was fucking with _my_ head. "And those earrings in his ears? Fucking repulsive."

"So repulsive. He looks like Diddy or Peepee or the Puff man or whatever that dude's name is today."

"He does. It's disgusting. And that yellow truck of his? Do you know how humiliated I was to have to ride in that thing with him? Can you believe that filth he has on the back of his window? '_The Cooter Intruder'?_ What kind of person puts that on their truck?"

"Someone definitely sick in the head," I said.

"But then he was just so sweet and tender with me. It's like he has this really tough exterior but on the inside, he's just full of soft fluffy shit. I don't like being confused, and he's messing with my head."

"That's because _his _head is messed up."

"Stop with the jokes. I'm being really serious here. He, um, he…"

"What?"

"He asked me to marry him," she said real fast-like.

My ear shriveled up and tried to crouch away from the phone. "He did _what_?" I shouted at the top of my lungs. "You've known him for two days! _Two_ days! If that's not proof of the man's insanity right there, I don't know what is because who does that shit? Who asks someone to marry them after only knowing them for _two_ days? The man is clearly nuts… nutty as a piece of peanut brittle. So, you're not going to see him again right? Because you get how _clearly_ wrong this is and how much of a lunatic he is, right?"

She was quiet, very quiet. Way too quiet for way too long. My shriveled up ear strained hard, eagerly anticipating her response.

"I said yes."

"_What?_" My voice was so high and shrill that it's a wonder I didn't break every piece of glass in my house. I pulled my phone away from my ear and stared at it, convinced that something was wrong with the reception, and it was somehow distorting Rose's voice. Maybe my phone had turned into one of those ghost boxes, and I was picking up signals from the spirit world.

"What's wrong with you?" I shouted.

"You were the one telling me that I needed to let someone into my heart and-"

"When I said that, I wasn't referring to the tatted Hulk! Oh my god! You've lost your fucking mind!"

Rose laughed lightly. "I know. I _have_ lost my fucking mind. The guy is weird and scary and possesses everything I despise, but every time I think about him, I just smile. The way he makes me feel… It's hard to describe. I feel beautiful and-"

"You _are_ beautiful! You don't need that psycho telling you that you are. You already know that."

"I know I'm beautiful and attractive to men. I'm not fucking stupid. But it's not like that with him. He makes me _feel_ beautiful from the inside out. The way he looks at me…"

I did have to admit I knew what she was talking about as far as those 'looks' were concerned. That was obviously a 'Cullen' thing since Edward possessed that ability as well. It was that sexual voodoo mumbo jumbo stuff and that shit was highly potent.

"You _can't_ marry him. You just can't! It'll be the worst mistake of your life!"

"Oh, Jesus, quit acting like my fucking mother. It's not like I'm going to marry him today or anything. I just told him that I _would_ marry him… some day."

"So you're engaged."

"Yes, I am."

"How in the holy fuck did you go from being kidnapped by that crazy man to getting engaged? I just don't understand any of this!" I cried.

"Well, last night, we were lying in his bed after we'd talked for hours, and he just stared into my eyes and told me that I was the one. That he knew it the instant I walked into that hospital. Hell, I argued with him, trust me. We had a huge shouting match. But he just doesn't put up with any of my shit. That's one of the things that I like most about him. It's kind of refreshing. Most men just kiss my ass and let me treat them like shit on my shoes, but not with Emmett. He doesn't take it, and I like that.

"Anyway, we went round and round. And by the end, he'd convinced me. You just had to have been there to understand. Anyway, I told him yes but not right away."

"Marriage is serious business. How can you just say yes to getting married when you don't even love the guy?"

My eyes went to the ceiling as I shook my head in disbelief at her silence. "No way…there's no way you're in love with the Hulk after two days. That's impossible."

"It's crazy, I know, but I'm confused. I've never been in love so I have no reference for any of this. But I'm like, different when I'm around him. He makes me feel… I don't even know how to explain it. All I know is that I've never felt this way before."

"This is unbelievable," I mumbled.

"You know you have to be my maid of honor. You have no damn choice in the matter."

"What? Maid of honor? I, this is, you just-" I stuttered because my brain wasn't allowing me to process this bizarre chain of events.

"Oh. I hate to go. He's here. He's taking me out for sushi. Can you believe he eats sushi? I love you, babe. I'll call you later."

I sat my phone down… and then sat my ass down. And then just sat and stared at my phone. Did I really just hear what I thought I heard or did I just make all of that up? There's no way that Rose could be getting married. Rose slept around, a lot. She couldn't give that up for one man, one crazy, psychotic man. I had to do something to stop this nonsense.

I jumped off the couch and barreled out the front door directly towards Triple N's house. I knocked and knocked and knocked and knocked some more. The desperation in me had me doing weird things. Finally, the door opened. "What the hell is going on?" Edward asked, obviously annoyed at my incessant knocking. My plans were just to charge in there and demand he call his in-a-psychosis brother and demand he call this wedding off. But instead, I just stood there, gaping at Edward in just a pair of jeans… and nothing else, with wet, tousled hair. He'd obviously just gotten out of the shower. And I couldn't move. Or speak. Well, I take that back because my eyes could certainly move. And they were moving over every inch of that sexy chest. Holy hell. Fuck being a lawyer. That man should have been a model.

My eyes were fucking the hell out of every sweet inch of skin that they could see. He was a vision: his pecs, his perfect nipples, his chest hair. Just enough hair to be manly and sexy as fuck and not ape-like. His taut abs and that V thingy that pointed down to the brat. I felt paralyzed by the sight of him.

"Bella... What's wrong?"

My eyes were about to have a sex seizure that's what was wrong. All that skin was overloading them.

"Bella?" he asked again as he touched my arm. That simple touch made me feel like I'd been tasered. I jerked and finally came to my senses.

"Um, can I come in?"

"Sure," he said, as he moved to the side and gave me a look like he was concerned for my mental health.

He closed the door behind us, and I took a deep breath and turned to face him. And my eyes started fucking him again. I had no control over them whatsoever.

"Could you…" I began to say with my eyes glued to that V. I cleared my throat since it sounded all husky. "Could you please put on a shirt?"

My eyes weren't going anywhere, but I could see him smirking from my peripheral vision. "Like what you see?" he asked.

"_No_." I should have just kept my mouth shut because I knew I looked exactly how Bluto used to look at Olive Oyl in those Popeye cartoons back in the '50's. You know the ones where Bluto is looking at her through binoculars, and his eyes widen and then you see his eyeballs pop out of the end of the binoculars? And his mouth drops open in rapturous delight. Then his head morphs into a wolf and he lets out a long, hungry howl. That described me to a T at that moment.

"You don't fool me for a second," he said. "You can't keep your eyes off of me." My eyes did dart up to his face, but for just a second. He looked so smug. He could be smug all he wanted as long as I could keep staring. "But since I don't think we'll be able to carry on a conversation like this, I'll be right back."

"Oh. How's your eye?" I asked trying to sound concerned when all I was concerned about was his nakedness.

"Painful," he said as he turned to walk away. I chewed on my lip as I stared at the toned muscles in his back. He got to the stairs and turned and started laughing. "You're violating me with your eyes again."

_So?_

I ignored him and kept staring. He continued to laugh as he went upstairs.

Once I could no longer see him, I sighed. I looked down and let out a gasp. I still had Diablo in my arms. I'd totally forgotten about him. He didn't bark once at Triple N. I couldn't believe it.

As I debated about what to do with him - like if I should run back to my house really quick and put him up - Edward came back down the stairs with a shirt on. He grinned, smug as hell. "Now I know you didn't come over here to thoroughly molest me with your eyes. You have me intrigued. What is it exactly that you rushed over here for?" he asked as he sat down on the couch. I dropped down beside him.

"I didn't mean to bring Diablo over here. I didn't realize I was still holding him. Is this okay? Or should I go put him up?"

"I don't mind. I'll hold him," he offered as he reached for my baby. I narrowed my eyes as I wondered if he somehow knew what kind of affect his holding my dog child had on me. Could this be part of his voodoo magic?

I cleared my throat and tried to ignore how fucking hot he looked as he cradled my Diablo in his arms. "We have a _huge_ problem. I mean, _huge_. I mean _mammoth_."

He quirked a suspicious eyebrow at me. "You're not getting out of our date. I won't take no for an answer, so don't even try."

"No. _No_. This is _way_ worse than the date thing."

Yikes. That sounded terrible.

His lips pursed as he stared at me. "So, you think going out with me is a terrible thing?"

"_No_. Kind of…" I gave him a half-assed 'I'm kinda sorry' smile. He just frowned. "I didn't mean it like that. Emmett and Rose are getting married," I spat out fast.

"_What?_" he shouted back at me.

"_See?_ It's way worse than the date thing. She called me after you left and said that he asked her, and they argued about it but that she gave in and oh my god, she's marrying the Hulkster."

"The Hulkster?"

"Yeah, the tatted Hulkster. Come on, you know your brother looks like the Hulk with all those bulging muscles."

He grinned. "That name is fitting."

"So what are you going to do about this?" I asked with urgency.

He looked down at his coffee table for a minute, deep in thought. "I don't know," he said, shaking his head. "Trust me, I absolutely don't agree with them getting married, but Em and Rose are consenting adults and unfortunately they're capable of making their own decisions, even if they are _stupid_ decisions."

"But, we have to do something. We have to somehow stop this crazy nonsense. How can someone consider marrying another person that they've just met?"

"Well, love at first sight does exist."

I snorted. "Only in romance novels."

His eyebrows lifted. "You don't believe in love at first sight?"

"No," I scoffed. "That's complete bullshit."

"Hmm," he said as he stared at me for a minute as if he found my answer to be interesting. "Well, I have to disagree with you because I know for a fact that you can fall in love with someone very, very quickly. There are no time restrictions. It just happens, mysteriously. And you have no control over any of it."

I frowned and chewed on my thumbnail because I really wanted him to just be on my side with this marriage crap instead of giving me a lecture on falling in love.

"Have you ever been in love before?" he asked quietly. The look in his eyes made me nervous so I dropped my eyes to his lap. Diablo had his eyes closed in ecstasy as Edward rubbed him behind his ear.

I shrugged. "I thought I was in love with Jared, but obviously I wasn't. I had feelings for him, but I guess I was more in love with the idea of being in a relationship or something. I don't know. What about you?"

Edward nodded. "Twice." For some reason, hearing him say that he'd loved two women before hurt my insides. I didn't want to know about any woman that he'd ever loved, period. I wanted to take the question back. "The first time took a while. It was probably about six months or so before I realized that I loved her, but the second time? It happened really fast… so fast that it took me by surprise, and kind of knocked me on my ass."

He half-grinned and shook his head slightly. I frowned, and he gave me a weird look. I didn't want to hear this shit about his love life. It shredded my heart to hear him talk about it.

"All right, I'm done with this conversation," I said. "So, are you going to talk to Emmett or what? Because I plan on doing everything I can to talk Rose out of this stupid marriage."

"Yeah, I'll talk to him. But I need to warn you, Emmett is the stubbornness most mule-headed person I know. So I doubt my talking to him will do a bit of good."

"Well, just do everything you can, okay? I'll work on Rose." I reached for Diablo. "I'm sorry to bother you like this, but I was just kind of freaking the fuck out over it and didn't know what to do other than come straight over here."

"You have nothing to apologize for. I like that you came to me. And trust me, I understand. It is a bit shocking. But everything about my brother is a bit shocking."

I laughed. "You've got that right."

We made our way to the door, and he opened it for me. "Well, bye," I said. "I guess I'll talk to you later."

"Bye," he said, smiling.

I kissed Diablo on the top of the head as I walked towards my house. "Hey, Bella…?" Edward shouted. I stopped and turned around.

"Yeah…?"

"Some time I'll tell you about that second girl that I fell in love with and how fast it happened. It's a fantastic story." He smiled all happy-like.

_I'm sure it is, you beautiful ass._

I had a bitter taste in my mouth as jealousy burned hot through my body. I wondered for a minute if it had somehow turned my saliva green.

"No, thank you!" I called out in a fake polite voice. "I'm not interested in hearing that story."

He threw his head back and cackled. I found no humor in it, at all. "Trust me, Bella, you _will _want to hear this story."

"No, I won't," I shouted back as I walked the remaining distance to my door and opened it. I could hear his hearty laughter behind me.

I frowned as I closed the door. Why in the world would he want to tell me about someone else he fell in love with? Unless… I shook my head at my beyond ridiculous wishful thinking because that was absolutely impossible. I'd only known the man for two weeks. And every encounter that we'd had involved something humiliating and embarrassing. There was no way that a man that divine could fall in love with someone as stupid as me, right?

My mind was a jumbled mass of confused chaos as I let Diablo outside. I had so many things to think about: Edward's reaction to my licking his arm, our upcoming date, that story he wanted to tell me about him falling in love, and most of all... Rose marrying the tatted Hulk.

_Oh shit oh shit oh shit. _

I almost yanked the pocket off of my jeans trying to get to my phone. I quickly punched the number.

"Hello?"

"Alice? _Alice?_ Oh my god," I said in a desperate voice. "I need your help. We've got a wedding to stop."

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><p><strong>AN: Until next time… ;0)**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Howdy! I have some unbelievably talented people to thank. My incredibly lovely beta, LifeInkognito, who got this chapter back to me ridiculously fast, even though she was on vacation. And my wonderfully fabulous pre-readers gjficfan and Lfcpam. And I just have to say that if it weren't for my friend and pre-reader gjficfan's constant encouragement, cheers, and threats, this chapter would not be here. She's a saint for putting up with my incessant moaning and whining. Love you, girl!**

**SM owns Twilight.**

* * *

><p><em><strong>MY DEVIL<strong>_

_**CHAPTER 12**_

Diablo darted off my lap and started barking like a deranged, rabies-infested mangy mongrel. Fangs fiercely flaring, scary little eyeballs bulging, tongue hanging sideways out of his mouth; I might have even seen a little foam on his doggy upper lip. My face held quite the hostile expression as I lugged my rear up from the couch to answer the door. I knew who it was. And I was not pleased about it at all.

Instead of snatching up the devil incarnate, I smiled at his practically convulsing little self. "Bite her," I whispered as a command before nodding and winking at him in an encouraging manner. Happily, I snatched open the door and let the hound from hell loose.

"Jesus! Bella!" Alice shrieked as she almost fell into the bushes trying to dodge Diablo's assault. I was highly disappointed when I didn't see any clothes flying or blood spewing. He merely launched a verbal attack. I needed to work on his dog training, specifically the 'attack', 'kill', and 'maim' commands.

I rolled my eyes in a dramatic fashion, stepping back and opening the door wider so she could come in. I knew I was acting like a bratty five-year-old with my snippety attitude, but I just couldn't help myself. It had been twenty plus years since I'd flung myself to the floor in a full-on temper tantrum. And I felt I was due one.

Alice barreled past me at top speed, like a female Speedy Gonzales, as she screamed and Diablo chased hot on her heels. The faster she ran, the more worked-up Diablo got. I couldn't help but snicker as she ran around the couch several times with him barking and drooling and chasing her in hot pursuit. Finally, she jumped on the couch and held her big giant purse in front of her like some kind of flimsy shield.

I knew my little devil could shred that leather in a nanosecond if he wanted to.

"Alice, good grief, get off my couch with your filthy shoes!" I had to yell extra loud to be heard over the ear-piercing bark snarling thing Diablo had going on and her screams of sheer horror.

"Get him away from me!" she managed to yell before she started wailing and shrieking again, pushing her bag towards him defensively. Diablo lunged, grabbed the strap in his mouth and started tugging as hard as he could, backing up and shaking his little head back and forth while he growled. Alice tried yanking it away from him, but it seemed he had developed lockjaw.

"Diablo! No!" I shouted as I grabbed him and yanked him up into my arms. He still had a death grip on the strap to her bag. "Let go!" I shouted again as I shook him a little bit. Kind of like how you'd shake a piggy bank to get out that last dime. Finally, the strap dropped from his mouth.

I immediately took off towards the kitchen to put him in his crate. I heard her yell out from behind me, "I hate that dog!" causing me to break out into a fit of giggles.

"Good boy," I whispered as I kissed Diablo on the head once I was safely in the kitchen. My level of evil knew no bounds.

I went back into the living room to find Alice still standing on my couch inspecting the damage to her bag. "You owe me a new one," she shouted angrily as she held up the strap to my face, shaking it. It had little teeth marks all over it as well as a lot of slobber.

"Fine, I'll write you a check." I'd probably be spending about as much as Triple N's pants almost cost me when Diablo ripped them. Maybe I needed to rethink the whole letting Diablo attack people thing. It wasn't like I was made of money.

"Now before I start doing your hair for your hot date tonight," Alice said, as she put her hands on her hips, "we're going to finish our conversation about Rose whether you like it or not."

I flopped on my bed with a huff. No way did I want to talk about Rose with her. When I had called her the other day all frantic about the impending doom of our friend with the announcement of her upcoming nuptials to the Hulkster, Alice had sweetly told me to mind my own business and to stay the hell out of it. We ended up in a shouting match, me accusing her of not loving Rose and her accusing me of being a pushy bitch and butting into a situation that was none of my concern. I ended up hanging up on her followed up by a lot of pouting.

We eventually made up later that night, both of us agreeing to disagree. And when she managed to pry the news out of me about my date with Edward tonight, she'd insisted on coming over to help get me all sexy.

At that point, Alice had been in the dark about the whole story involving Triple N and the live porn show because I'd only spilled my guts to Rose. So, against my better judgment, my mouth opened and began flapping its ugly wings and now Alice knew all my sordid secrets.

"What's there to talk about?" I retorted. "I can't just sit around and do nothing when I think my best friend is making a rash decision that could impact the rest of her life. She'd known the guy for two days, Alice. _Two days_ before agreeing to marry him! How can she make one of the biggest decisions of her life – who she's going to spend the rest of her life with – after only knowing the man for two fucking days? She's being completely irrational and only thinking with her pussy."

"But you said yourself that she only told him yes, and that she wasn't planning on getting married like tomorrow or anything like that. So that'll give her more time to get to know him and to make sure she's making the right decision."

"But what if he suddenly says, 'Hey, baby, let's run off to Vegas tonight in my _Cooter Intruder_?' And don't act like that couldn't happen because you've not met Emmett yet. The guy is certifiably insane."

"Then she'll be married. And they'll honeymoon together in the _Cooter Intruder_," she said with a giggle. "And she'll have to live with her decision. But it's her life and her choice. She's an adult, and we know she's one smart cookie, so she is very capable of making her own decisions."

"So you'd just stand by and let her make a bad choice and not say a fucking word about it?"

"Yes. Because how do you know it's a bad choice or not?"

"Because it is!" I shouted. "Two days, Alice, and the man is nutszoid!" I yelled as I gave her the 'duh' look.

"It's still her decision and not yours. And you know she's going to do whatever the hell she wants to do anyway whether you say anything to her about it or not."

The woman was really starting to piss me off, again.

"Well, I absolutely could not disagree with you more. I _have_ to say something to her. I would be a shit of a friend if I felt this passionately about something and hid my feelings from her and didn't speak up. And I'm just warning you now, if you ever decide to marry some guy after knowing him for only two days, you will be getting an earful from me. Got it?"

She smiled and nodded, but it was a sad little smile that didn't reach her eyes. "That won't ever happen," she said quietly before she quickly looked down at her hands in her lap.

_Jasper._

She had picked up the marionette strings to my heart and had started tugging. She looked so tiny and small and just damn sad. I sighed and sat up and hugged her little body close to me. Alice needed to meet someone. Someone that would knock her off her feet onto her little ass and help her get over this obsession she had with my brother. She was in love with a man that was completely unobtainable. He was married – to a slimy skankho bitch that he somehow saintly tolerated without a single complaint – and had two kids that he would die for. Alice had her life on hold, waiting, hoping, and longing for someone she could never have. And he had absolutely no idea of her feelings for him. It broke my heart.

"Maybe Edward has another embarrassing brother hidden somewhere that I can set you up with."

We giggled and hugged each other, and I gave her a big, sloppy kiss on her cheek. Then she began the torture of working on my hair.

"I can't wear this," I said to my reflection as I stood in front of the mirror half an hour later. "I can't do it."

"Yes you can and you will. He told you to wear something sexy and this is _sex-y_," Alice said.

It was a beautiful wrap dress in a shimmery black color. It was incredibly tight, hugging and outlining - to my dismay - every small curve I owned. And the front plunged low, showing off way too much cleavage. Not that I had a lot to show, but what I did own was up front and on display. Alice let me borrow a chunky silver necklace to go with it, and I had on some incredibly sexy silver peep-toe platform heels.

"He's going to be walking around with wood in his pants as soon as he takes one look at you," she said, smiling.

"You mean a plank?" I corrected her as we both busted out giggling.

Edward most certainly didn't seem to have any problem with producing planks in his pants, but that was exactly why I didn't want to dress like this because I didn't want the whole 'sex' thing to be an issue between us tonight. But how could it not be? Every time I was around the man, 'sex' was constantly an issue and constantly on my mind. "But I don't want him-"

"Just shut up. You look dynamite."

I frowned at her. "Dynamite? Who says dynamite? Are you having a flashback to the 70's or something?"

She started humming a BeeGee's song and showing off some of her 70's dance moves. I held up my hands. "Please stop. I'm sorry I opened my big, fat mouth," I said as I giggled at her. "You have my permission to say dynamite anytime you damn well please."

My phone chirped with a text. And I swear my stomach flopped out of my body and slithered its way down into my sexy shoes. I got texts all the time... from Rose, Jazz, other friends, co-workers. But my stupid pounding heart knew exactly who it was. I just knew it. I sounded like I needed oxygen by the time I grabbed it off of my dresser, which was only two feet away from me.

**_Do you look sexy? –E_**

My first Edward text…

Sigh…

I felt like celebrating the occasion by maybe popping some champagne or hiring one of those airplanes that drag those big ass signs behind them, but _Alice_ was standing right next to me, so I merely grinned. Like a moron. And got all giddy when I saw the word 'sex' in his text because of course I immediately thought of _sex_… with him. And I wasn't supposed to be thinking about that… at all.

Alice nosily shoved her face in front of my phone and started giggling like a loon. "Text him back and tell him you're sex on a stick."

I stared at her with a straight face. "On a stick? You're so lame tonight."

"I know. What can I say? I'm going to go," she said. "Knock him dead tonight."

We hugged, and I thanked her profusely for dolling me up, promising that I would take her out for drinks soon to pay her back for everything she'd done. But I still held a grudge against her since she wouldn't let me lure her over to my dark side regarding the Rose fiasco.

I quickly typed back a text to him as I followed her downstairs.

**_Jeans and a T… is that sexy? –B_**

And I did notice that 'sex' word again. I found that I could not quit smiling, which was horribly ridiculous. It made me ill to the point that I wanted to gag… and vomit all over my sickening smiley self.

Waving goodbye to Alice, I snuck a look over at Edward's house. There were lights on, but I didn't see him anywhere. I closed the door and leaned back against it as I eagerly looked at my phone for his response.

**_On you? Definitely. Especially if no bra or panties are involved. –E_**

My mouth dropped open. And I giggled. And felt a little warm, and a little moist. Somewhere down _below_.

**_You are completely dishonorable, you perv. –B_**

Flirt, flirt, flirty flirt. I stood there smiling and flirting my panties down my legs and off my body.

**_LOL. You have no idea how truly dishonorable I can be. Want me to show you sometime? –E_**

Yes. No. Now. Let's skip dinner. Please?

And the smile lingered continuously… making my face ache. I needed to go take some Tylenol for it.

**_Oh, I've seen how dishonorable you can be, Mr. Cullen. –B_**

My stomach bounced around in my gut like a rubber ball on pavement. My face ached and my text was completely inappropriate since I was referring to watching him have SEX with someone else. And why the hell did I constantly keep bringing that up to him? I needed to stop immediately with the innuendos. But I couldn't… because where he openly flaunted his pervertedness proudly for everyone to see? I kept mine locked up and hidden away… in my drawer upstairs.

Which reminded me, I hadn't had a chance to use Duncan the Second yet. _I might have to take him for a test drive down Pussy Alley tonight…_

**_You may have seen it, but would you like to experience it? Hands on? -E_**

Ugh, his hands… Did he have to mention the word 'hands'? Death by digits…

My heart started skipping rope in my chest as I quickly typed out a response… **_Just come over naked with your brat hard… _**

Closing my eyes, I leaned my head back against the door and banged it, repeatedly. Until the back of my head hurt the same amount as the front of it did from smiling. Then I erased everything I'd just typed.

My thumbs brushed over the keyboard as I debated about what to type instead. Should I keep flirting? No. Be a good girl and stop? No. Because like he'd already told me, I was _so_ giving the poor man mixed signals. Crossed, crazy haywire signals with frayed edges.

I sighed as I reluctantly decided to do the right thing.

**_We shouldn't be talking like this –B_**

**_Why? It's just some harmless verbal sparring –E_**

**_Sparring? I was thinking it was more like verbal foreplay –B_**

And yep, my ugly little stumpy thumb hit send before I could stop it. I bit it hard as punishment for its rebellious behavior as I waited with bated breath, staring down at my stupid phone. And waiting…

"You shouldn't have typed that, you idiot!" I yelled at myself in frustration. I began gnawing on my thumb again as I stared at my phone and… still there was nothing.

Stepping towards the window with my heart racing a mile a minute, I pulled the curtain back. I could see him standing silhouetted in the window of his family room, the light behind him outlining his perfect tall frame dressed impeccably in a suit and tie. I began panting just from the sight of him. What the hell was I going to do when I stood next to him? Or touched him? No way was I going to touch him, right? And why was he standing there staring and not responding to my text? Why were we texting in the first place? Why wasn't he over here picking me up for our date?

I glanced at the clock. We still had twenty minutes to go before he was supposed to actually 'pick me up'.

Looking back at him, I watched as he lifted his phone and typed something and then lowered his hand. He just stood there, not moving, continuing to stare at it with a seriously hot serious expression on his face.

My phone dinged and I swear my heart dinged. I continued staring at his tall, gorgeous self for a few more seconds about ready to pass out from the jitters before I finally lifted my phone.

**_*groan* mmmm… foreplay. I think you and I could do foreplay… really well –E_**

I needed to make a pit stop and run upstairs real quick-like and change my sopping wet panties and stuff a couple more spares in my purse as back-up because I was never going to survive tonight with that man. I closed the curtain quickly and sat my phone down. "I said _verbal_ foreplay," I muttered to the empty room. "Not _foreplay_, foreplay… verbal. I meant verbal." Ah, who was I trying to kid? I knew I was being a dirty girl.

Slipping my heels off because my feet were already in pain, I nervously started pacing back and forth in my living room as I let my brain wig out.

_Should I respond or ignore him?_

My phone rang, scaring the hell out of me. It was Jazz's ring tone.

"Hey, half-breed, what's up?"

"Hey, B, not much… how's it going?"

"Good. How're my babies doing? I miss them."

"They're good." He cleared his throat. "Are you home?"

"_Yeah_…" I hedged. Good things never came after that question.

"Oh good… I _really _hate to do this to you, but-"

"No way, Jazz, I'm going out tonight. I have a _date._ You can't do this to me."

I looked up when I heard a light knocking on the door. My heart left my body and sprinted up the stairs as I quickly scrambled to get my heels back on.

"B, I need you. Tanya has a dinner work thing tonight, and I got called in at the last minute to cover the shift tonight…"

Opening the door, there stood Triple N looking delectably sinful as the devil himself in a tailored navy suit, crisp white shirt and pinstripe tie. Every centimeter of the man oozed sexuality. I even found his expensive leather shoes to be sexy. I knew that if I got a peek at the soles of those shoes, I'm sure I would have found those to be sexy as well… sole sexy.

A smirk touched his kissable, pouty lips as his eyes made their way lazily down my body, slipping and gliding over every curve. My face felt like I'd shoved it inside a Panini grill and pressed down hard. I could feel the warmth of my blush spreading down between my breasts.

"Jazz, I can't-"

"B, I don't have anyone else to call. You're all I have." He pulled out the big guns and started firing. He knew when he un-holstered that firearm, I'd surrender every time. I knew he depended on me; we depended on each other.

"Hang on," I said as I held up my imaginary white flag.

Edward closed the door behind him. He raised his eyebrows at me questioningly.

"I can't believe this. I know you're probably going to think I'm trying to get out of our date, but I'm not because as you can see, I'm all dressed up and ready to walk out this door with you right now and it took a lot of effort to get me to look like this, I mean Alice worked her ass off and-" The words just kept vurping out of my mouth.

He smirked again. "You look stunning, absolutely bewitching."

_Fuck. My. Brother._

"Thank you," I breathed, smiling and feeling shy and wonderful. I didn't have a shy bone in my body, but he made me feel shy and oh so beautiful.

"This is so rude of me, but my brother has to go into work, and he needs a sitter for the kids, and I feel so badly about this, but is there any way that we could re-schedule our date? I can go tomorrow morning or tomorrow for lunch or dinner or the next day for breakfast or-"

He smiled big and glorious. I admired his teeth. He even had sexy teeth. "Calm down. It's okay."

"Really?"

He continued smiling and nodded again and the look on his face told me that he really was okay with it.

"_Thank you_," I mouthed to him. And he winked at me. Triple N winked at me.

I put the phone back up to my ear. "Jazz?"

"Yeah?"

"You can drop them off. But you owe me," I added in a low, you-are-a-dead-man voice. I would most definitely make him pay dearly for ruining my hot night out with my Nasty Naughty Neighbor.

"Thanks, B. I love you."

I did not love Jazz at that moment so I stayed silent.

"B? Tanya's on her way there. She should be there in about five minutes."

_"What?"_ I shouted. My blood pressure had to have just shot up to astronomical proportions because I felt like my head was going to explode.

"I'm sorry but I'm actually in the car right now headed for work and-"

"You… you," I sputtered. I was so livid at him that I couldn't even form a coherent word. He'd just sent that tart to my house before even talking to me assuming I had no life and that I'd be at home anxiously waiting to be his little babysitter.

"B, I love you, you know that right? The kids depend on you so much. I don't know what they'd do without you. I'm sorry for doing this to you on such short notice, but I promise I'll make it up to you. I'm just pulling into the parking lot. Can I pick the kids up in the morning?"

"You… I…" I still had no ability to speak the English language.

"Great. See you in the morning, Sissy," he said before hanging up.

I just stood there, my mouth hanging open very unattractively, staring at my phone. Karma was an ugly, ugly bitch. I knew why this was happening. I was getting paid back for my little tantrum over the Rose thing and for the way I'd treated Alice.

_Damn you, you powers that be!_

I looked up at Triple N and just studied his handsome face as my brain tried to catch up and process what had just happened in the last five minutes.

"Everything okay?" he asked gently.

"No." I took in a deep breath. "Look, I'm so sorry…" I started to say but Edward held his hand up, cutting me off.

He took a step closer. "We can reschedule our date, but only on one condition." His eyes, which were on mine, dropped, zoning in on my lips. I decided to mimic him and zoned in on his lips as well. His tongue snuck out and in slow motion slowly licked, wetting his plump lips before his eyes met mine again. I. Could. Not. Breathe. I wanted that tongue. I wanted to taste it, suck it, shove it on my nipples and between my legs.

"What?" The word came out sort of like a gasp and strangled-like. I wasn't sure if it was because of the crude thoughts I'd just had about the poor man's tongue or because of the way he was looking at my lips like he was having some crude thoughts of his own going on.

He took another step closer until we were inches from each other. I tried not to pant because panting is embarrassing. Panting is only good in childbirth. And for helping dogs breathe. I didn't want to pant. But I panted… through my open lips. "I'll stay here tonight and help you babysit. But by the end of the night," he paused, his eyes dropping to my panting lips, "I want a kiss, one kiss. It's all I've been able to think about."

My brain flat-lined…

My panties combusted, disappearing into thin air...

And he hadn't even touched me.

I panted and drooled from places seen and not seen. But do you know what made me drool the most? The fact that this perfect specimen of a man standing in front of me in his Gucci suit told me he wanted to _babysit_ with me.

So. Fucking. Hot.

So fuckably fuckable.

"Deal?" he asked.

I stared at his lips. Like eyes glued to them. And my God, did his lips look tasty. I wanted to put a little ketchup on them and eat them. Just gobble them right up. I was borderline considering cannibalism.

Then my eyes lifted to his. And I nodded.

I'd just made a deal with the devil.

Every stupid fantasy that I had about first kisses floated down the hallway, into the kitchen and down the garbage disposal. My weird hang-ups about kissing at the perfect moment were based on a bunch of stupid shit. My very first kiss back in high school consisted of the middle seat of an SUV with some guy shoving his tongue down my throat when I wasn't expecting it while the girls in the front seat and the couple behind us cheered the asshole on. His breath stunk like garlic, and I almost gagged on his tongue. It was a horrifying experience.

And then there was my first boyfriend in college whom I lost my virginity to. That experience was so bad that I've kind of blocked that time whole time period from my memory banks.

After all that, I would read stories about fairy tale magical first kisses in books, and I would dream about it happening to me. But it never did. So when I got with Jared, I made him wait for a kiss until our third date. It was a beautiful evening and the stars were out. He dropped me off and walked me up to my front porch. I had everything built up in my head about how magical it would be, how my skin would tingle and my toes would curl. Just like what I'd read about. And when he touched my lips with his? I felt… nothing, just a set of wet lips against mine. So I worried that I hadn't waited for the right moment. That I'd somehow rushed it.

But maybe it was time to just let go of all of my hang-ups and just let whatever was supposed to happen between Edward and me happen. Just let go.

"Good," Edward said as he smiled and licked his lips again. Did he know what that was doing to me? "I can't wait," he whispered. "I promise to make it memorable."

_Foreplay… _

My eyes got real big because…

Where the hell did that word come from?

I jumped and let out a little squeal when I heard a loud banging on the door. Edward grinned and snickered a bit before he stepped aside so I could open it. I took in a couple of deep breaths in preparation because I hadn't seen Tanya in a while, and was really sad that I couldn't keep that trend going, and going, and going.

Opening the door, Jack was a small blur as he took off like a bullet, straight for the toy closet.

"Bella, I-" Tanya's ultra-nasally voice began to say before she abruptly stopped, her eyes transfixed on something behind me.

Smug… oh, I did smug good.

_That's right, bitchorella! Triple N is alllllll mine._

I stood there all proud and gloating over the fuckhawt piece of man-ness that was standing behind me when…

I noticed that her face didn't look quite right.

Her mouth dropped open – which she'd had a lot of practice perfecting – and her eyes widened. But instead of it being a look of lust, appreciation, or jealousy, it was… fear? And… _recognition?_

_Recognition!_

_No! No! No! No! No!_ Some weird little voice inside my head screamed.

My heart leaped up and started knocking on my tonsils when I turned, desperate to see Edward's face. And his face told me what I didn't want to know.

Tanya had seen the bratwurst.

Tanya had touched the bratwurst.

Tanya had bunned the behemoth brat.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to move to Tijuana. I wanted to kill Tanya and hide her whoring body in that big hole that was soon to be a swimming pool behind Edward's house. And then have a whole truck load of concrete poured on top of her dead cheating ass.

I did the only thing I could do. Without looking at Tanya's vomit-inducing face, I reached for Raine and buried my face in her sweet little full-of-fat-rolls neck as I kicked off those stupid shoes and walked towards the toy closet. I bent down and helped Jack pull out his toys.

"Truh? Truh?" he repeated over and over excitedly as he started pulling all of the toys out and throwing them on the floor behind him. Jack was noisy, and I focused on him. But I thought I heard Edward talking to the sausage slut. But it didn't matter. I figured they were plotting a date and time to play hide the sausage again.

I played with Jack for a few minutes until I heard the door close. Maybe they left together. I took a quick peek behind me, and Edward remained, standing there with a strange expression on his face. I stood up, keeping my back to him. I had to hold it together until he left. Then I could let the floods of Watergate loose. "Okay. Well, I guess I'll see you later," I said before I took off towards the kitchen, ready to bury my face in something cold from the freezer… vodka, ice cream? It didn't matter, it all sounded good.

"Wait," he called out. "What are you talking about?"

With Raine on my hip, I ignored him and barefooted it to the kitchen where I opened the dishwasher and started putting away dishes. I had problems with scrubbing and cleaning things when I got upset or anxious. I decided that after I emptied the dishwasher, I could start scouring the oven.

"Bella, what's going on here? I thought you agreed to our deal. I don't understand."

I pivoted around. "Deal? Oh, the deal disappeared once I realized she was one of your _six_." I spat that six out like it was some nasty chewing tobacco.

"Six?" he repeated, looking at me like I was a total quack as he stepped closer and closer.

"That's right. I'm not stupid. I know Tanya is one of the _elite six_. Now just go. I can't handle this right now."

He grabbed my arm. "Look at me," he commanded.

"No." My eyes stayed glued to the clean coffee mug I was holding.

"Fine, then listen. I'm going to say this really slow so that you can comprehend it. I. Have. No. Idea. What. You. Are. Talking. About."

My fire-breathing eyes met his. My nostrils flared with fury. "The six women you've sexed. Did Tanya bun your brat?"

His bushy brows scrunched up like a couple of caterpillars trying to copulate. But then he got this weird look that happens when you're pissed and amused simultaneously and fighting desperately to hide the amusement. "I have _never_ had sex with that woman. Why would you even think that?"

"I saw how you two were looking at each other. She _knew_ you, Edward. The only men that Tanya knows are men that Tanya _knows_…" I dramatized that word so big and so hard that I should have gotten a standing ovation for my Oscar-worthy over-performing performance.

"I didn't even know her name until you mentioned it."

"Oh!" I shouted in a shrill high-octave, high-octane voice as I ripped my arm away from his grasp and tossed the mug up in the air for emphasis. "That makes it even better!"

"Stop it! I don't even know that woman. I've never slept with her, and I'd never even met her until she showed up on your doorstep. But I've _seen_ her before, all right?"

My eyes narrowed as I shifted Raine on my hip. "What do you mean?"

He looked off to the side, his face torn. He rubbed the back of his neck and loosened his tie. "I don't think I should-"

"Spill it, now."

"Well, it's probably nothing, but… I went to visit my dad a while back, and I saw – _her_ – leaving my dad's house."

My mouth tried to catch flies. "Tanya's having an affair with your dad?" I shouted.

"I don't know. I'm just telling you that I saw her-"

"Is your dad a whore?"

"No! He's married to my mom! My mom was out of town that week at a conference."

I couldn't have been more stunned if Edward had slapped me across the face and shoved his brat in my mouth. "Oh my god, that slimy, despicable, home-wrecking, pond-scum-sucking whore." I dropped the mug on the counter and sank into a chair. I knew it wouldn't take long for that ho to cheat again on my precious baby brother. With Triple N's very married dad. I was living right smack dab in the center of Soap Opera Station.

Closing my eyes, my lips found Raine's sweet, soft cheek. "I'm so sorry I'm talking bad about your momma," I murmured.

"Maybe it was innocent," Edward offered.

"Tanya is never innocent."

I sat up straight and leaned toward Edward who had sat down across from me. "I need you to be very clear with me on this. You've never done anything with Tanya? Never touched her, never seen her-"

"Never, I swear to you."

I slumped back into my chair in relief and hugged Raine to me. She had a hold of Alice's necklace and was trying to eat it. "Oh, thank God, thank God, thank God," I chanted before I looked up at the ceiling of my kitchen. "Thank you, God!" I shouted with a huge smile on my face.

I looked back at Edward who was sporting a small smirk. "I'm so happy that you were never with Tanya. So, so, so happy," I said, grinning. "You have no idea."

His smirk widened. "Is it because you want me all to yourself?"

My relief over the situation loosened my lips. "Yes," I stated with proud conviction, which made him grin even more.

Jack flew into the kitchen and plopped a truck right in Edward's lap, very close to his onions. Luckily, he reacted fast by shielding them with his hand. His green eyes were huge when they found mine. "That was a close one," he muttered as he picked up the truck.

"Truh?" Jack asked as he tried to climb Edward's lap like a tree, grabbing little fistfuls of his Gucci suit and wallering all over him.

I knew that suit cost more than I made in a month… or two. "Oh, no, Jack," I said as I tried to reach for him. "Don't mess Edward's suit up."

I had a hard time trying to reach Jack because Raine was gurgling and gnawing on Alice's necklace, and I could feel some of her slobber slipping down into my cleavage.

Jack ignored me and continued trying to summit Mount Edward. I had to think fast. "Jack? You want a Band-Aid?"

He turned quick, the blond curls on his head bouncing adorably around his chubby face. "Bob-bob?" he asked as he ran towards the cabinet where I kept them. "Bob-bob?"

I followed him and pulled out the box. "Do you want to go change and come back?" I asked Edward as I handed Jack a Band-Aid.

Edward stood up. "Do we still have a deal?" he asked with a wicked hopeful glint in his eyes.

I smiled. "Yeah, but you don't have to come back right away. They'll be going to sleep in about an hour. I could call you when I get them down for bed…"

His eyes fell into my cleavage, my wet cleavage. "I don't want to leave," he murmured in a low voice to my tits.

All he had to do was walk a few feet to his house. But I didn't want him to go that far either. "But you can't stay here in that suit. You've never been around kids before. Trust me, in five minutes you'll have to throw it away. Or burn it."

I looked down at my dress. "As a matter of fact, I need to run upstairs and get out of this dress before something terrible happens to it."

"No."

"Huh?"

"You're not taking that dress off…" his voice was low and rumbly as he continued the conversation with my tits, "…yet. Keep it on. I'll buy you a new one later."

_Yet? Yet?!_

"Why? We'd be more comfortable in jeans-"

"No. The way you look…" He shook his head as his eyes fucked every inch of my body and by the time they got back up to my face, I was ready for a cigarette. And a high-velocity fan aimed at my overheated coocharacha.

"I'm not buying you a new suit. Or making any deals with you if it gets ruined." I bit back a smile and cocked an eyebrow.

"But I like making deals with you…" the devil in the Gucci suit whined.

An hour later, I sat on the couch emotionally and physically exhausted with my bare feet up on the coffee table. I still had on my fancy wrap dress that Edward demanded stay on, and Raine was asleep on my chest. It had been an eventful hour to say the least. Edward managed to get smacked in the temple with a school bus, poked in the eye with a plastic sword and hit in the onions by Buzz Lightyear – and I did not want those onions bruised or damaged in any way because I wanted them served with my bratwurst later.

But the moment to beat all moments happened when Jack sat in Edward's lap right after he'd gotten hit by the bus. Jack sneezed, and two giant streams of snot shot out of his little nostrils and just kind of hung there like dangling gummy worms from his little nose. It honest to God looked like he had just snorted his brains out through his nose. And Edward screamed. Very loudly. And looked like he wanted to curl up in the fetal position and suck his thumb. But I had fast reflexes and was able to snatch the snot up with a Kleenex before a drop ended up on that suit of his.

Once he recovered from the trauma, we laughed and laughed until we both cried, and I almost produced as much snot as Jack.

With my head resting against the back of the couch, I turned towards Edward. His jacket and tie had been removed. He'd unbuttoned the top few buttons of his shirt and untucked it. The expensive shoes were gone and his dark socked feet were propped up on the coffee table like mine. Jack lay on his chest sleeping with Woody cuddled up under his arm.

He turned his head towards me and grinned. I grinned back and tried to ignore the three SpongeBob Band-Aids that Jack had put on his face: one on his cheek, one in the middle of his forehead and one on his chin. I had a matching set on my face, just in differing locales.

We sat there for the longest time, not saying a word, just staring at each other and grinning.

"I'm going to go put her in bed," I finally whispered.

"Okay," he whispered back, still smiling.

I carried Raine upstairs and tucked her in her crib. When I got back downstairs, my breath got stuck in my throat when I saw Edward brushing Jack's curls away from his face. His sex appeal quadrupled for me in an instant.

"I'll take him," I whispered as I leaned down and forgot about my plunging neckline until I saw his eyes plunging down my neckline. We were so close. I could smell him. He smelled like a man, kind of aftershaveyish, with an unidentifiable concoction of pussy-prepping pheromones, and a dash of warm man skin… just pure unadulterated hot sexy man.

My eyes got stuck on his lips, and I began that damn panting thing again. Our bodies grazed each other as I picked Jack up from his chest. I didn't go upstairs. Instead, I gently laid Jack on the couch and tucked a pillow beside him so he couldn't fall off. And before Edward could even move a muscle, I was on him, my legs straddling him, my hands on his face, touching him, touching SpongeBob. His extra-large hands slid up my silky dress-covered thighs until they were on my ass, pulling me closer to him. His fingertips must have possessed fire-starting abilities because everywhere he touched, sparks flew and wildfires erupted and spread on my skin.

My overly greedy hands dove into that glorious hair of his as I studied his eyes. They were so dark, raging uncontrollably with pure animal lust. We were silent except for our breathing. And I noticed he was panting. Like me. And that made me really happy because we could pant together like dogs in heat with no embarrassment whatsoever.

The man wanted me. His eyes whispered it, groaned it, demanded it… and, God, how I wanted him. I wet my lips and moved closer until our lips were just a breath away. So close, but not touching. We panted hot warmth against each other's lips, tasting each other's breath. And his breath tasted so damn good, it made my pussy leak. And I hoped not all over his Gucci pants.

And then my eyes closed and my lips were on his. His mouth was hot, wet and moving hard against mine. I was on fucking fire. I couldn't get enough of him. My tongue was in his mouth against his, the two of them battling each other as he matched my aggression. I literally sucked on his tongue, like tried to suck it down inside me. And I know that sounds a little nasty but it was Triple N's tongue so it was super fucking hot. And oh my God, did he like it. It seemed to make him go a little crazy because his hands got tighter on my hips as he pressed me down against his hard brat, sliding it right against my clit. Then he stood up in a flash, holding me as my legs wrapped around his waist and the next thing I knew, we were on the floor between the couch and the coffee table with him on top of me, his mouth never leaving mine for an instant.

He chewed on my bottom lip quite aggressively before he sucked the whole thing in his mouth. And I wondered if he felt as desperate as I did, like he couldn't get enough. Because that's the way it felt. It was like he wanted to eat my lip. Consume it.

He began thrusting his brat hard against me, rubbing with just the right amount of friction. And I knew that in about three seconds flat, I was going to come hard... like having the most violent orgasm of my entire life. And Jack was right beside us on the couch asleep. And we were going at it like a couple of sex-starved forty-year-old virgins on the floor next to the coffee table.

But it didn't matter when Edward's hand slipped up under my dress and slid up my bare thigh. With his tongue relentlessly fucking my mouth, his hand moving up my dress, his brat sliding against my bun button, I tipped over the edge of the cliff and fell and fell and fell. I kept falling and couldn't find the bottom. It was bottomless, the bottomless orgasm.

My hands hung onto chunks of his hair like they were reins on a startled stallion. The moment my orgasm erupted, big bursts of puffy, silent screams ruptured from my mouth. And Edward smothered them, swallowed them, ate them up with his lips and mouth.

And then it happened.

Yanking his mouth from mine, he reared his head back as he thrust rougher against me. And Triple N came.

Hard.

In his Gucci pants.

And when I looked up into his smiley, panting flushed face covered in SpongeBob Band-Aids, I had a revelation.

I'd just experienced the most astounding first kiss ever.

One that could never be replicated in a book.

One that far exceeded some stupid ridiculous fairy tale.

Because this first kiss brought with it something unexpected. As I stared up into the eyes of the fuck hot man who was hovering above me, I realized I'd fallen hard. It wasn't just my body that fell off that cliff. It was also my heart. I was fucking head over heels punch drunk in love with Triple N… Edward… my Nasty Naughty Neighbor.

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><p><strong>AN: Yowza! Well? :0) *smiles* What did you think of their first date and kiss? Did it meet your expectations? You knew these two wouldn't be doing dinner and a movie, right? Hehehe.**

**What did you think about Jack's sneeze? LMAO. I remember the first time my kid did that. It scared the hell out of me. Do you have any funny/gross moments with kids to share? If so, please tell me about it so I can have a giggle.**

**And don't forget to go check out my new story **_**A Street With No End**_** and let me know what you think.**

**See you soon! ;)**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: I'm back! Long time no see. I won't give you any lame excuses. ;)**

**Thanks to Lfcpam for reading this over for me.**

**SM owns Twilight.**

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><p><em><strong>MY DEVIL<strong>_

**CHAPTER 13**

Edward had the sweetest smile on his beautiful, slightly swelled lips. He looked so delicious with that happy glow on his gorgeous face that only comes from just getting your rocks off, in Gucci pants.

I could hear Jack's heavy breathing next to us and couldn't believe he'd slept through our entire dirty dry hump. Edward tried to turn his head to check on him, and that's when I realized I still had a death grip on his poor luscious locks. So I reluctantly let go. And prayed like hell that clumps of his beautiful hair wouldn't still be in my hands when I looked at them.

He looked over at Jack and then back down at me and smiled again. And that's when the SpongeBob Band-Aid on his forehead came partially loose and was just kind of half hanging there. All I could do was focus on Patrick's goofball face and big buck teeth. So as I grinned all loon-like up at him, a loud and horrifically embarrassing snort popped out of my mouth. Or I should say more like my nose. It was not pretty. I was completely mortified and somehow it triggered an avalanche of uncontrollable giggles to fly from my lips because I could not believe that I'd slipped an animal call right after the hottest dry humping make-out session in the history of dry humps.

"Did you just snort?" he whisper-asked, his eyes bubbling with laughter. And that dumb Band-Aid flopped a little on his forehead like Patrick just gave me a little wave. And I lost it. My face scrunched up and I giggled like I'd lost my mind.

Edward chuckled. "Why are you laughing?" he whispered, still grinning. He wasn't mad; he just looked excited, like he wanted in on the action. But I couldn't tell him because I couldn't breathe. And because his hot, long body was squashing the hell out of me and because I kept cackling like a hen trying to lay a dozen eggs, all at the same time.

Tears started squeezing out of the corners of my eyes and running down into my hair. I thought I might need to be airlifted to the hospital because I was dying. Crick in side, couldn't breathe, crying dying. I wanted to shout at Edward to call 911, but I was completely incapacitated. I thought about holding up my fingers and flashing the numbers _9-1-1_ at him sign-language style, but my hands were cramping from all that death-grip hair holding I'd just done while our crotches exploded.

Apparently I was deadly – carrying around some disease-catching contagion – because Edward caught it and let out a surprisingly loud snort of his own. But his snort was not at all disgusting and animal-like like mine was. His was pornographic and made me think of Triple N on a farm, or rather him _doing_ me on a farm, near a farm, _i_nside__ my farm. So he laughed and snickered right along with me, having no clue what I was giggling about, which was adorable and made me laugh even harder. And love him even more.

I wiped my eyes and wheezed like I had emphysema with a side of COPD. Edward buried his head in my neck, continuing to chuckle. I started moaning from the agony – and maybe a little because of what his hot, breathy laughter against my skin was doing to me – as I wrapped my arms around his neck and closed my eyes tight. I tried my hardest to not hear Patrick's voice in my head. Or envision his pink cone-head dangling off of Edward's forehead.

"Oh, god," I whisper-moaned just before I giggled again. "I'm dying."

Edward lifted his head and his eyes were all watery green. "I'm dying too. And I don't know what the hell we're laughing about," he whispered before he did this cute little snicker-snort thing.

As fast as I could, I snatched Patrick off his forehead and stuck it to his shirt. "That's what we're laughing at." He looked down at his shirt and then back up at me and grinned, his eyes all wet and shiny. The green in them was even more stunningly beautiful than usual. They reminded me of the crystal green color of the Caribbean when the sun glints against it.

I reached my hand up and got a hold of the Band-Aid across his cheek and ripped that sucker off as fast as I could. "Ow! Fuck," he whisper-shouted as he reached up and grabbed his face, acting like he was dying. "That hurt."

"No, it didn't. It hurts worse if you do it slow."

He dropped his hand, and I saw a small, devilish smirk on his big, tasty lips. "_Do it slow?_" he repeated, cocking an eyebrow at me. "It definitely won't hurt if we _do it slow_."

"Ugh, how old are you?" I said. But then it hit me. I had no idea how old this man was that had just happily messed his trousers between my legs.

He smirked and shrugged like 'oops, I can't help my incredibly sexy, perverted self' while all of my insecurities jumped up and bitch slapped me across the face. "No," I whispered as I grabbed his shirt in my fists. "Really… How old are you? I don't even know how old you are, and we just did all this stuff on the floor and-"

Triple N had the most delicious way of shutting me up… with his hot mouth. I decided that I might need to talk around him incessantly. Because I really enjoyed getting shut up by that mouth.

My hands were in his hair again, but this time I just ran my fingers gently through his soft locks because I'm sure his poor scalp had to be tender. His mouth was gentle his yummy lips soft and sweet as they moved against mine.

"I'm twenty-eight," he whispered against my mouth.

I made some weird groaning, humming, gurgling sound in response relieved that at least I knew how old Triple N was before I began to violate his mouth with my tongue.

He must have liked my acts of violation against him because he groaned and the kiss intensified as he slipped his hand up my dress and along my bare thigh again. I could feel his brat hardening against me.

I gasped and pushed his mouth away. "Are you…?" I mumbled between heavy breaths as my eyebrows shot up into my hairline.

He grinned all proud-like. "Using your eloquent turn of phrase – since my brat is so close to your bun, he wants to make his acquaintance."

I giggled a little because I liked hearing him talk like me. "You want to…?"

"Yeah," he whispered immediately his expression very serious as he nodded vigorously.

I stared up at him for a long moment. I didn't sleep around like my slutty BFF Rose did because I had to have feelings for a man before I slept with him. But clearly I couldn't use that as an excuse with Edward anymore since I was in love with the man. But what did he feel for me? I knew he couldn't feel the same way. He didn't even know me. I knew he found me intriguing – or _bewitching_ as he'd said before. But it was probably only because he found my brand of crazy to be fascinating.

For some reason, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was going to get hurt. Edward didn't seem like the relationship type especially since he slept with women like that slutknuckle realtor of his. I was a relationship kind of girl. Edward would never want to have a relationship with someone as nutzoid as me. And then it hit me. Why was I even thinking about having sex with him? I couldn't have sex with the sex god of all sex gods. I'd never measure up. So the longer I stared up at him, the more freaked out I got.

"I need to get up," I mumbled as I pushed on his chest and tried to scoot out from underneath him.

"Why?"

"I need to put Jack to bed. And you've got jizz in your pants."

He stared down at me with a frown indentation in his forehead, but he did move. I quickly jumped up and smoothed my dress down and patted my hair a bit. He got up and stood awkwardly with a grossed-out look on his face like he had a big wad of cum in his jockeys, which he did.

"I'm going to…" I said as I waved my hand towards Jack. "Can you let yourself out?" I didn't wait for him to answer; I leaned down and picked Jack up, laying his little sleepy head on my shoulder.

"Can I come back over?" he asked.

"No. Not tonight. I'm kind of tired."

"Bella, what's going on?"

"Nothing," I said as I walked towards the stairs. "Can you lock the door behind you?"

Edward mumbled something, but I couldn't make it out. I opened the baby gate and headed upstairs. I got Jack ready for bed and kissed him on his velvety soft cheek before laying him in his bed and tucking the covers around him. I ran my fingers through his beautiful blond curls a few times before turning the light out and closing the door.

I stepped into my bedroom, slipped off my dress and tugged on some sweats and a ratty T. I went back downstairs and stuck my head in the laundry room. "There's my baby boo-boo," I said to Diablo in one of those putrid, babyfied voices I had down pat. "I love my sweet 'ums, my sweetie pumpkin pie." He acted like he hadn't seen me in five years. I grabbed him and brought his wiggling little body up to my face. He got so overzealous that he almost licked a layer of skin off my face.

I giggled. "Oh, I love you too, baby cakes. I wubs my wittle Diabwo."

I let him outside and grabbed a lite beer from the fridge. Sitting down, I took a drink. I had a lot of things to think about. My first concern was that I needed to research the symptoms of bi-polar disorder because how could I go from realizing I loved Edward to kicking his fine ass out of my house? There was something very wrong with my brain.

I took another drink and heard a knock on the door. I rolled my eyes and kept drinking. And Edward kept knocking. I got up and let Diablo back in. I took another drink before I slowly made my way towards the front door while Diablo almost went berserk at my feet. I opened the door about two inches and put my eyeball up to it. "I told you not to come over."

He gave me that panty-disintegrating smirk and cocked an eyebrow at me. "I don't listen very well."

"You can't come in. I don't have on a bra."

The pervert's eyes dipped to my chest but he couldn't see anything through the small crack in the door. "Then I most definitely have to come in."

"I'm serious. I need some time to think."

"Think about what? There's nothing to think about, Bella. Now let me in."

I stared at him for a long moment before I sighed heavily and reluctantly opened the door. Diablo looked like he'd just won the doggy lottery. He was literally leaping into the air, trying to jump into Edward's arms. "Hey, buddy," Edward said with a smile as he bent down and petted him. Diablo went nuts. I was starting to get a little jealous.

Edward had changed into jeans, a white V-neck T-shirt and flip flops. It made no sense that he could look so fucking sexy. He just knew how to wear clothes; even the simplest of clothing he could make look hot. And I loved seeing his bare feet. There was just something so attractive about it. Even though they were pasty white and it looked like they'd never seen a minute of sunshine ever. I just somehow found every inch of the man to be perfect perfection.

He stood and eyed me from head to toe, his eyes lingering on my chest. I frowned and crossed my arms over my boobs. He smirked and stalked towards me. I backed up... and kept backing up until my back smacked against the wall. He pressed his body against me and slid his fingers into my hair. "Mm, I missed you," he said before he leaned down and started attacking my neck with his lips. My eyes rolled into the back of my head.

"You just saw me. Five minutes ago," I said in breathy voice.

He made a humming sound against my neck. "I know. That's too long," he mumbled before he kissed and sucked along my neck, ear and collarbone.

Some seriously embarrassing porno moans slipped out of me. With my eyes closed, I leaned my head back, angling my neck just right so that he had perfect access. "What are you doing?" I asked, my voice sounding weak and pathetic.

"Getting reacquainted with your luscious skin," he said before gently biting on my neck.

_Oh fuck._

The man was going to be the cause of my demise. It was pure ecstasy. But it didn't take long for me to come to my senses.

"Wait," I said as I tried to push him away but he didn't budge an inch. "We can't have sex."

He ran his tongue up the length of my neck and I shivered, literally shivered all over. He sucked my earlobe in his mouth. "Why not?" he casually asked like he wasn't the least bit concerned about it, rubbing his nose against my ear and breathing all heavy into it. I shivered again.

"Because," I said, my traitor hands going to his pecs and squeezing a little. I had no control over those puppies. "I'll get attached."

"_Mmm_… attached?" His nose was in my hair and he sniffed, making a deep humming sound like he liked what he smelled. And I liked what he was doing. Which was weird because I didn't think sniffing was sexy. But Triple N made it sexy.

I cleared my throat because I knew if I tried to talk, my voice would be husky and pornoish. "Yes, attached. I'll get horribly attached to you and you don't want that. Haven't you seen that I have attachment issues?"

He pulled away from my neck and cradled my face in his hands and kissed me, sucking my lower lip into his mouth. He just kind of rolled it around, nibbling and sucking gently and making my knees get all weak and wobbly. "What kind of issues?" he whispered against my lips before his mouth started trailing down my neck again. My breathing was embarrassing. It sounded like I needed a refill on my oxygen tank. I leaned my head back against the wall again and closed my eyes and panted for a moment. My mind was fried because I had no idea what he was talking about.

"What?" I asked like a clueless moron.

His tongue traced the outline of my ear. "You said you had attachment issues?" he said, before kissing down my neck.

"Oh, right." I cleared my throat and tried to get my brain cells re-aligned. I pushed on him. He pulled away enough to look at me but still kept me pressed against the wall. "Attachment issues… Yeah. I have major attachment issues. Have you not seen how attached I am to my ugly dog?" I looked around the room for Diablo and saw that he was curled up in a ball on the couch sound asleep. "And my niece and nephew…? Don't even get me started on that. I have a fully furnished nursery in my house for children that aren't even my own." My voice kept getting higher and higher like I was sucking helium. "My house is even baby proofed. I have a toy closet for Christ's sake. And don't forget Pearl. I tried to attach myself to a half-dead squirrel lying on the side of the road."

He just grinned and dove in for my neck again. "Earl?" he asked against my ear, breathing his hot breath against it. "How is Earl?"

"It's not Earl. It's Pearl. Earl was a girl so it's Pearl. And she's fine. They're going to release her when she gets well."

"No, it's Earl," he said again. I could feel him grinning. "…although I liked Herman better."

I giggled. "She's Pearl, you idiot."

He chuckled as he made his way across my jawline and kissed the corner of my mouth. "So you think you'll get attached to me?" he asked against my mouth before grabbing my hands and lifting them above my head against the wall, entwining our fingers together. Then he put his mouth so close to mine, just barely touching, his heated breath washing all over my lips. It was sexual voodoo. That shit was powerful. My eyes felt heavy as my mouth dropped open and my panties flooded.

"_Yes_…" I said and the porno voice was back again. It was so embarrassing.

He rubbed his body all up against mine. My nipples were so taut and pointy I was afraid they might slice right through my shirt. And I could feel the brat. It was hot, and hard, really hard. I groaned when he moved his lips to my neck again. I heaved in some huge lung-fuls of air. I needed to get control of myself.

"I'll get attached. It'll be ugly. You're so attachable. You reek of attachableness."

"You didn't seem too attached to your boyfriend."

"I _tried_ to be attached to him even though I knew he was a total loser. He had zero attachable qualities yet I stayed with him for _two years_. This is my mother's fault. She abandoned me. She's the reason I'm like this."

He lowered our hands and cradled my face again, rubbing his thumb against my cheek. "So what will you do if you become 'attached' to me?" he asked, staring into my eyes.

"Terrible things… I'll get clingy, super clingy. I'll want you with me all the time. Like every available minute. Then I'll go all neurotic on you and probably want you to move in with me. Like right away. You'd have to move in with me because no way would I ever move into that house of yours since you banged that whorebag there. I'm sorry but I'd really like to burn your house down."

He busted out laughing.

"It's not funny. I mean it. I _hate_ that you did all of that stuff with her. I'd actually like to lock her in the house _before_ I burn it down."

"God, you're fucking cute when you're jealous," he said, grinning happily.

I frowned and stuck out my lower lip. "No, I'm not. Now listen, I have more to say."

He kept smiling. "I'm listening," he said, rubbing his thumb over my bottom lip and staring at my lips. He was totally not listening.

"I'll drop the L word," I said quick-like and boy did that get his attention. His thumb froze and his eyes were all on mine now. And they were intense. I nodded. "Like all the time. I'll drown you in it. And then I'll start thinking really awful things like the M word and the B word – I do have a nursery upstairs all ready to go. And then when you get sick of me smothering you to death and you dump me, I'll probably stalk you. I never knew I was a voyeur until you moved in so I probably have crazy stalker tendencies inside me lying dormant caused by my bitch of a mother and your super hotness. So you see? We _cannot _sleep together."

A smug little smile crept up on his lips. "So you want to drop the L word?"

"Yes. Did you not hear what I said?"

"When? When would you drop it?"

"I don't know. All I know is that I'd do it way too early and at some completely inappropriate moment like now and freak you out."

He grinned from ear to ear. I frowned. "Why are you smiling? You should be running for the hills."

"You are the strangest, most incredibly beautiful woman I've ever met. And you're completely crazy."

"I've been trying to tell you that!"

He chuckled and kissed my lips softly. "But see, there are some things you don't know about me."

"What things?"

"I also have attachment issues."

"No, you don't."

"Yes, I do."

"You're lying."

He smashed his lips against mine and kissed me hard. "Now shut up and let me talk."

I nodded and shut up.

"I find you to be extremely attachable," he said before softly kissing me. I loved hearing him say that. So I moaned a little. "And when I get attached to someone? I also like spending every minute with them," he said before moving his lips next to my ear, "…preferably in bed."

"_Holy shit_," I groaned and rubbed myself against his brat.

He hummed against my skin. "And don't think you can scare me off with the L word. When I _feel _the L word for someone, which is rare, I _love _saying it, over and over."

I just let out this big, long 'mmmmmmmm' sound.

He kissed my collarbones and the little hollow in my neck then trailed his mouth back up to my ear. "And the M and B words?" he whispered.

I simply nodded because I could just feel the pornographic sounds perched on the tip of my tongue ready to spew if I so much as opened my lips.

"I've thought of those words… with you."

And I swear to god, I had a mini orgasm, right on the spot. I had no control over myself. Weird squeaking giggly noises popped out of me along with a few moans. There was no stopping it. Because when you have the sexiest man you've ever laid eyeballs on tell you that he's thought of marriage and babies with you, you react. Pervertedly. Viscerally. Orgasmically.

We continued kissing against the wall until my growling stomach interrupted us. We were both starving since we didn't get to eat dinner. We dug through my fridge and ate some leftovers. Afterwards, we ended up on the couch and made out for I don't know how long. He never went for my braless tits, which I have to say surprised me. But he did look at them, a lot... and made sure to rub his chest against them, a lot. So I guess he did get to feel them. I touched and kissed every inch of his face and neck. And judging from the groans and grunts that came from him, I think he liked it as much as I did. My favorite spot was his collarbones that peeked out from his V-neck. I loved the little wiry hairs he had scattered there. It drove me crazy.

I'm not sure when but eventually I fell asleep… only to wake up with a start. I jerked all over and my heart pounded like crazy. I was so thankful to find myself wrapped up in Edward's arms. We were facing each other, my back against the couch and my head resting on his shoulder. His mouth was hanging open a little and he was making this cute little wheezing sound.

I took in a deep breath and closed my eyes and began to think about what had woken me up. It was a dream. No, not a dream… a fucking nightmare. Edward and I had been in this huge church with stained glass windows everywhere. We were standing at the altar and he looked absolutely stunning in a perfectly tailored black tuxedo. I didn't know how we had gotten there but we were obviously tying the knot. But it was weird because instead of a priest marrying us, it was a nun. A really ugly nun. I couldn't stop staring at the huge hairy wart on her chin.

But when she said, "_Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?"_ in a really deep man's voice, I immediately looked at Edward. He was grinning down at me looking so happy. And just as he opened his mouth to respond, there was this huge crashing sound. I looked up and saw the big banana yellow Cooter Intruder barreling right towards us. It had crashed through the church doors sending debris flying everywhere. It bounced over the pews like one of those big monster trucks do at a monster truck rally. I just stood there frozen unable to move a muscle. It came to a screeching halt just inches away from me. I looked down and screamed when I saw Edward's pasty white feet sticking out from underneath the truck. And for some reason, his legs were bare. I couldn't figure out where his shoes and beautiful tuxedo went because he was somehow naked underneath that truck.

The passenger side door made this weird hissing sound and white smoke came pouring out of it. Then it opened up like the DeLorean did in the movie _Back to the Future __a_nd out stepped Rose wearing a wedding dress. "Bella-bitch? You aren't getting married today," she yelled as she held up a bouquet of flowers. "I am."

Then Emmett jumped out of the truck from behind her. And I do mean literally jumped. He wore yellow bicycle shorts with a matching yellow mask. And he had on a hat that was shaped like a banana. "Let's get it on," he roared as he flexed his muscles and then put the nun in a choke hold.

Yeah, it was bad. I don't know how I didn't wake up screaming bloody murder. But I knew why I'd had that dream. I was going to have to eat crow and call my BFF and have a little conversation. And I sure as hell didn't want to. Because even though I'd practically proposed to Edward and said I wanted to have his babies, I still somehow felt justified that our situations were different. I'd known Edward longer; of course not that much longer but still longer. And Edward was smart and perfect and Emmett was wacko and missing a few screws.

So I said a quick prayer begging God to keep the nightmares away and snuggled closer to Edward. He groaned a little and shifted, throwing his leg up over top of both of my legs. I giggled because the man was completely smashing me. And yet I loved it. And it wasn't long before I fell asleep again. And I had another dream. But this time I dreamed Edward and I had sex in a tree house. And it was good. It was _all_ good.

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><p><strong>AN: Hope you liked it. I love you all. ;))) See you soon.**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: I'm back! ;) Thank you to everyone who reviewed and PM'd me wanting more of this story. Your encouragement means everything to me. I will keep writing as long as you want more, I promise. ;)**

**Thanks to Lfcpam, JayNahNah and betsmecullen for helping me so much with this chapter.**

**SM owns Twilight.**

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><p><em><strong>MY DEVIL<strong>_

_**CHAPTER 14**_

"Quit staring," I said in a groggy, totally-still-asleep voice. I hadn't even opened my eyes yet, but somehow that weird thirteenth sense had kicked in and I could just _feel _Edward's eyes on me.

"I can't stop staring because I'm astounded that you can sleep through that noise."

We were still on the couch facing each other where he had me cocooned, and it was a tiny piece of paradise. I snuggled a little closer to him, rubbing my cheek against his T-shirt. "What noise?"

He was quiet for a moment. "Bella, I am concerned about your hearing. Have you had it tested recently? Bella, can you hear me? _Hello?_"

I bit back a smile at his silliness and grumpy-shrugged before clearing my scratchy throat. "I'm used to it."

"I could never get used to that noise. How in the hell can you sleep through that? And how in the hell can _he_ sleep in that position?"

I cracked open an eye and my lips curved upward. Diablo had somehow managed to squeeze between the two of us, which was a feat in and of itself considering the way we were sandwiched together on my small couch. The little nut was on his back with all four paws sticking straight up in the air. His tongue hung out of the corner of his mouth, and he was snoring like a conked-out, half-ton dude with a deviated septum that had just finished feasting on a dozen Thanksgiving dinners.

I snorted. Snorts seemed to be the normal thing to do around Triple N. "He's a snuggler," I said with another snort because Diablo really did look hilarious.

"Yeah, I deduced that pretty quickly. I kept picking him up and setting him on the floor, but he would immediately sneak back up here. I finally gave up after the fourth time and let him stay."

Somehow my hand found its way to the side of Edward's neck. I rubbed it. He had a really nice neck, a very strong, manly neck. "Sorry. Did he keep you awake?"

"For hours," Edward said, acting like he was annoyed but he had a little grin on his beautiful lips; a mischievous little grin. "If you hadn't slept like the dead, _you_ could have kept me awake occupying my time with some fulfilling activities," he said, wiggling his eyebrows at me like the dirty devil he was.

"_Fulfilling activities?_ Ugh," I grunted with disgust and smacked his neck.

"_Ow,"_ he howled, grabbing at the spot I'd smacked. "That hurt. You have some serious problems with physical violence. I'm still trying to recover from all of my prior injuries that you've inflicted upon me."

"Well, you cause me to become violent because of all of the dirty things that come out of your mouth!"

"Oh, no," he argued. "When I said 'fulfilling activities', I simply meant that maybe we could have played Scrabble or something, but your dirty little mind went straight to the gutter."

"Scrabble my ass," I said with a snicker. "You're a total perv."

He grinned as I gently rubbed his neck. "Are you okay?" I asked.

"No, I'm not okay. You just slapped the shit out of me."

It was not appropriate, but I couldn't help it. I giggled at the poor hurting, sexy man.

"And now you're laughing at me. You smack the shit out of me and then you laugh about it."

I giggled and heehawed up a storm, shaking my head the whole time. "No," I squeaked out before I let out another string of cackling noises. I took in a deep breath to regain my composure. "I honestly didn't mean to smack you. I'm so sorry." But then I started giggling again and made my apology completely worthless.

He tried to glare at me, but I could tell he was fighting a smile. "You need to kiss it."

"How about I just get you a SpongeBob Band-Aid instead?" I responded with a snicker.

He cocked one eyebrow at me. "You are such a smartass."

"Sorry," I said, smiling big.

He turned his head to the side and offered up his sexy man neck that I will admit was slightly red from the wallop I'd given him. I must have hit him a little harder than I thought. "Kiss. Right here," he demanded, tapping the spot with his finger.

"Okay, okay," I said with an eye roll as I tried to re-situate myself a little so that I could reach his neck. Diablo had finally woken up and was wriggling like crazy trying to right himself, but he was like a turtle stuck on his back. I picked him up and flipped him over, and he immediately snuggled down between us again.

I turned my attention back to Edward's neck. The first thing I did was just put my nose against his warm, manly skin so I could inhale him. I could smell his worn-off cologne that smelled rich and earthy. Then I got a whiff of just man smell. Triple N man smell. And the man did smell mighty fine.

Then I oh-so-softly pressed my lips against his skin, just ghosting them over it, wafting my hot breath over his warm neck. My tongue snuck out for a little tasty taste, and I knew Edward liked what I was doing because his breathing increased, and his hand began rubbing up my arm, causing goose bumps to break out all over my skin.

I hummed a little against him and kissed him for all I was worth. Soft kisses, hard kisses, and I even threw in a little soft sucking action; of course that was for my benefit only. He tasted and smelled so good I just wanted to devour him. With one final soft kiss, I finally pulled back and laid my head against his shoulder and stared at him for a minute. His hair looked like he'd stuck his finger in a light socket from all that making out we did last night and his mouth hung open a little bit because of his labored breathing. But it was his eyes that got to me. They were on fire. Like he wanted to shred my clothes and take me like a savage on fire.

"All better?" I whispered, panting heavily.

He slowly shook his head.

"No?" I whispered, my eyes widening.

"More," he whispered. "I want more."

I gulped – loudly – and closed my eyes and took in several deep breaths. "You're awfully demanding," I said in a shaky voice, trying to shrug off the heavy moment because his words and his fire-eyes were doing wicked things to my body. "The kids are going to be up any minute."

I opened my eyes when he made a frustrated groaning sound. "The things I'm going to do to you…" he said in a low sex-voice while he kept his eyes on my lips.

"What do you mean?" I whispered.

"You know what I mean."

"I'm not having sex with you, remember? Are you having problems with your memory?"

He chuckled. "Oh, my memory is just fine. I'm not worried about your little statement you're always spouting because you're going to change your mind," he said, looking all smug like he was some kind of god that knew all things. He was a sex god, I'd give him that but he didn't know what was going on in my weird brain.

"No, I won't."

"Yes, you will."

"_No, I won't,"_ I argued louder. "I could never sleep with you like that slutty realtor whore of yours did. I'm not like that and-"

"Of course you're not like that," he said, rudely interrupting me. "That was just a hook-up. I've told you this before. It was a fuck, plain and simple. I know that sounds bad, but we got each other off and that was it. There was no meaning to it. I had absolutely no feelings for her whatsoever, and I never will. I-"

"But you had to have had feelings for her before at some point. You said you two dated so you had to have felt something for her."

"I didn't. I never loved her, ever. I dated her and fucked her for a while, but that was it. I'm sorry that sounds harsh, but that's how it was with us."

I couldn't look him in the eye so I just stared at his shirt for a moment while I thought over his words. I hated hearing him talk about that she-hag, but I was secretly happy that he never loved her or had any kind of feelings for her. Maybe it was just sex for him. Guys did that kind of thing all the time.

I cleared my throat and started rubbing his shirt between my fingers. "She's just so beautiful and I saw how good she is at… doing those filthy, disgusting things she did with you, and I'm telling you right now that I could never compare to her and you'd be so disappointed in me and…"

"Why do you keep doing this?"

"Doing what?"

"Why do you keep putting yourself down? And why do you keep bringing her up when she doesn't even matter anymore?"

"She does matter because I watched you fuck her!"

"I know! But there's nothing I can do to take it back. You and I hadn't even met at that point so you can't continue to hold this over my head."

I slowly nodded because he did have a point. I definitely wasn't being fair to him. I took in a deep breath. "I know. It's just… if I ever slept with you," I said, lowering my voice to a whisper, "it wouldn't be just a fuck for me. It could never be just that. It would mean more; a lot more."

I looked up and met his eyes. He stared deep into my own, and they were so intense that I felt like he was doing some kind of a peeping tom trick and somehow seeing straight into my soul. He reached up and brushed my cheek with the back of his fingers. "It would mean a lot more to me too," he whispered. "I wouldn't just be giving you my body; I would be giving you my heart as well."

I felt all gooey inside and had to control the urge to jump off the couch and start twirling and singing, _"The fields are alive with the sound of music…"_

I bit back a big, goofy grin. "So… if we slept together, you would have feelings for me, which you never had for that hobag?"

He grabbed my hand that was holding onto his shirt and pressed it against his heart. "Yes. That L word that I keep hidden in here would most definitely be involved. I might drop it at a very inappropriate moment. Can you handle that?" he asked with the sexiest lop-sided grin I'd ever seen in my life.

I wanted to sheer my hair off, dye it blonde and channel my inner Julie Andrews so badly that I could hardly stand it. That stupid song was just bubbling up inside of me, and I felt like I was going to burst with pure joyfulness. I swallowed hard, pushing Julie's ridiculous singing ass down and somehow kept myself together enough to just girly sigh all dramatic-like while my insides melted. I stared at him with putrid, love-sick eyes but I honestly could not help myself. "Uh huh," I said in a dreamy voice.

"Good. Be prepared for that to happen," he said, smiling and looking adorable. But then his face grew serious. "Now there are a few more things we need to discuss."

"Okay," I said dreamily, still staring at him like a love sick fool.

"I need to set you straight on a few things. Even though you saw our – _performance_ – it was just that, a performance. Did you know her tits are fake?"

I gasped and immediately snapped out of my love daze because this was some juicy news that I needed to be privy of. "Really?" I asked with excited eagerness. "I thought they were."

He nodded. "It was a botched job too. They were crooked. One was higher than the other. And they were hard. You could even see the outline of the implants under her skin."

"Gross," I said with glee, my eyes big and shiny with excitement.

"Very," he said, nodding. "And her scars were visible. They were in her armpits but you could definitely still see them."

I felt absolutely giddy. "So big, bad boobs… I like that," I said, grinning with satisfaction. "So are you into soft, small boobs?"

"I'm into _your_ boobs."

I giggled and he grinned.

"You know," I said, frowning a little, "now that I'm thinking about it, her ass looked a little saggy too."

He nodded. "Definitely saggy," he said with his lip curled in disgust, which made me very happy.

"I do have a nice ass."

"Can I see it?"

"No," I said, smacking him lightly on the arm.

"Can I feel it? You know, just to assess its 'nice' attributes."

I giggled. "You have a weird thing for assessing my body. If I remember correctly, you tried to assess me for weight loss when we went on our jog."

"That was just a ploy to openly ogle your body," he said with a smirk. "But I have to admit that I'd like to do a lot more things to your body than just assessing it." I went to smack his arm again, but he grabbed my hand and kissed my fingers. "Now will you stop trying to injure me and let me do a proper and thorough assessment?"

I smiled. "And this involves touching?"

"Yes. It's very important for me to be absolutely thorough."

I giggled. "I suppose... but just for assessment purposes only, though."

"Of course… What do you think I am some kind of pervert?" he asked, wiggling those bushy eyebrows of his again and causing me to laugh.

He looked so excited like Santa had just showed up not only with tons of presents but big bags of Halloween candy as well. He kept his eyes on mine as his hand trailed down to my ass. He lifted himself up a little so he could stare at my ass before he ran his hand over the curve of it like he was seriously assessing it. It made me snicker a little. He smiled bigger and gave it a little squeeze before lying back down.

"Are you ready for your ass assessment?"

"Yes, sir, I'm ready."

"I have determined that your ass is not nice," he said in a very serious voice.

"No?"

He shook his head. "You have under-assessed your ass. I deem it to be delectable, spankable, and possibly even edible. If you remove your clothing, I would be more than happy to assess if the edible part is also applicable."

I laughed out loud, and he broke out into laughter with me. "So you're into asses, huh?" I asked.

"Yes. I want to get into your ass."

My mouth dropped open, and I gasped before I quickly recovered and made a grossed-out sound. "You are unbelievably skilled in the art of pervert. If the lawyer thing doesn't work out for you, you could always teach a class on perversion."

"Thank you for pointing out my talents. I'll remember that," he said, smiling.

We both lay quietly staring at each other for a few minutes. He finally broke the silence. "So are we okay now?" he asked in a soft voice.

I took in a deep breath and nodded. "Yeah, I think so. I'll try not to bring up your saggy butt, cock-eyed water-balloon-boobed realtor anymore, but that's not a promise. That is simply an 'I'll try' statement. She may still come up occasionally in one of my fits of jealous rage so I'm going to just apologize now well in advance for my outbursts."

"I accept your apology. You certainly have a way with words," Edward said, chuckling and shaking his head. "And I apologize for getting enjoyment out of your jealous rages because I do find you to be very attractive when you're jealous."

Raine let out a wail over the baby monitor so our couch talk got cut short. I could have stayed there all weekend talking to him… and staring at his lovely face… and maybe kissing those luscious lips of his again. But all good things have to come to an end.

We got up and said our goodbyes. I could tell he didn't want to leave, but he said he had a busy day ahead of him something about lunch with a colleague and then going out with the guys in the evening. I was a little sad because I didn't know when I'd get to see him again. He tried to kiss me on the lips, but I pushed him away telling him I had morning breath so he insisted on giving me a neck kiss. It turned my legs to quivering Jell-O.

I had the kids dressed and fed when my brother finally showed up. I opened the door and gave him my most evil death glare that I could muster. I hoped it would knock him on his sorry, date-ruining ass.

His eyes widened and he knew he was dead meat. "I'm sorry, Sissy, I-"

"Don't you dare call me Sissy; you are so not getting out of this one. How could you do that to me? How could you just _expect _me to be available and re-arrange my life for you like that? I feel like you just take it for granted that I'll always be there for you, which I mean I _will_ always be there for you, and I love your children like they were my own, but I just don't want you to always expect it, that's what!"

He didn't say a word. He simply pushed past me and walked over and picked Raine up off the floor where she was playing and sat down on the couch. He then looked up at me. "Go on…" he said.

"Fine, I will," I said, slamming the door and walking towards the couch. I lowered my voice because I didn't want Jack's precious little ears to hear. "And I really hate the fact that Tanya can just go get her – _privates mowed_ – or whatever the heck she does, and I'm the one to take care of her children. She needs to be more responsible. That woman really ticks me off." I flopped down beside him and tucked my feet under me.

"Okay. Got anything else?"

"No… maybe. I'm sure I'll come up with something in a few minutes."

He took in a deep breath. "I deserve all of that and more. I'm really sorry. You know I would never, ever take you for granted, and if you feel like I do, then I want to apologize. You're my only family, B, and I love you, and I need things good between us. Do you forgive me?"

My eyes got all misty, and I felt like I had a big, stupid lump in my throat. "Of course," I mumbled as I leaned over and hugged his neck as tight as I could.

I let go and quickly wiped my eyes. "Just don't let it happen again," I said, pointing my finger at him.

"I won't, B," Jazz said with a smile.

I helped him pack the kids up and sent him on his way. I took a quick shower and pulled out my phone to call Rose. It was time to eat a heaping plate of crow. I hoped it wouldn't taste nasty.

"Hey," she answered, not sounding like herself.

"Hey. What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she snapped in a hateful voice. "Why would you ask that?"

"I don't know. You just sound a little down or something."

"Well, I'm not down so drop it."

"Fine, I'll drop it. _Jesus._ Look, I'm just going to throw this out here and get it over with. I'm," I paused and coughed a little because that crow tasted like a steaming pile of shit, "_sorry_ about the way I reacted to the news of you and Emmett getting married. If you want to get married, I'll support you and I won't rub it in your face if you guys get a divorce." My eyes widened because I couldn't believe that slipped out. "Oh shit, that didn't sound right. Strike that last sentence from the record. Just… I'll support you in whatever you do because I'm your BFF and that's what BFF's are supposed to do. So I'm sorry. _Whew_." I quickly cleared my throat. "Oh, and I didn't mean to say 'whew'. It's just hard for me to apologize sometimes and yeah."

The phone was quiet for a long moment. I got concerned. "Are you there?" I asked.

"I _hate_ Emmett."

"Huh?"

"I _hate_ that man."

I looked up to the ceiling and mouthed the word, _'Yes' _then I did a little arm cha-ching and threw in a little touchdown dancing as well.

"Did you hear me?" she asked.

"Oh, yeah," I said quickly, halting my little celebration. "What happened?"

"He's a fucking asshole that's what happened. What are you doing tonight? Can I come over?"

"Sure."

"All right, I'll be there around five or so. And I'm bringing booze."

"Okay."

As I hung up, I scolded myself for jumping the gun so quickly. If I had just kept my mouth shut for a few seconds longer, she would have made her announcement and I wouldn't have had to eat that dish of nasty ass crow.

It was almost six before she arrived, and I have to admit that I was stunned when I opened the door. The woman looked like hell. Her hair was in a messy bun, she didn't have a lick of make-up on, and she was wearing a holey shirt with some pink knit shorts. I kept my mouth shut until I looked at her feet.

"Holy shit… You actually wore those here?" I asked, motioning towards her purple fuzzy house slippers. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would ever see Rose out in public looking like she'd just snuck out of Wal-Mart at midnight.

"Yeah? Who gives a fuck?" she barked as she barreled past me carrying a large paper bag.

"Rose, you are making it very difficult for me to love you today."

She set the bag on the coffee table and slumped onto the couch. "I know. I'm sorry I'm being a bitch."

"You're forgiven. As long as you keep the bitch factor to a minimum," I said with a smile as I sat down next to her. "Now tell me what's going on."

She pulled out a bottle of Vodka, unscrewed the cap and took a big gulp of it before offering it to me. "Oh no," I said, pushing it away. "I want to be sober for this one."

She took another drink before plunking the bottle on the coffee table. "Do you know what he did?"

"What did he do?"

She stared at me for a moment. "He said I had to get a tattoo."

I let out a non-humorous chuckle. "Oh, boy, this story is not going to end well."

"No, it doesn't. It actually started off all sweet. He kept pointing out spots on my skin and going on and on about the gorgeous ink he could put on it. He even sketched out some things and showed them to me, but I just ignored him because I had already made it very clear to him that ink was never touching my skin. But then he put my name on his arm, and-"

"Wait. Back the bus up. He tattooed your name on his arm and he's known you for a week?"

"Oh, that's not all. He's going to put my face on his back."

"Holy fuck."

She nodded. "I thought he was just talking shit because his whole back is almost covered right now, and I didn't think he had any room, but he's serious. He showed me the sketch and where he's going to put it and everything."

"Good god," I muttered not really knowing what to say.

"Anyway, he kept getting more and more insistent on me getting a tattoo and told me yesterday he had penciled me in for an appointment next week. I lost my shit, let me tell you. We got into a huge fight, and he basically told me that if I was going to be married to a tattoo artist, then I had to support him in his art and that it was my _duty _to proudly display his ink on my skin."

She grabbed the Vodka bottle and took another swig. She kept the bottle close to her chest and just sat there. I didn't say a word, but for a second, I actually felt sorry for the Hulkster. He didn't stand a chance against a pissed-off Rose.

"No man tells me what to do," she said in a low voice. "I don't care if his tattoo art is the equivalent of the Mona Fucking Lisa! If I don't want that shit permanently on my skin then that's my choice, damn it!"

"That's right!" I yelled, pumping my fist in the air. I felt like I was at some sort of Women's Rights Rally or something.

She hunched down in the couch, hugging the bottle closer to her and just stared straight ahead at nothing with a vacant look on her face. Frowning, I touched her arm. "You okay?"

She continued to stare ahead for a moment longer. "No," she said, sighing heavily. "I'm not okay." Laying her head back, she turned and stared at me, pain flashing in her make-up free baby blues. "I went over the line. _Way_ over the line. I told him…" Pausing, she took in a deep breath. "I told him that he didn't have a real job. That being a tattoo artist was a total cop-out. I even told him that I would be humiliated if I ever had to introduce him to my friends or family. I completely and totally crushed him. I know his job sounds lame, but he takes such pride in it. He's really an incredible artist. Some of the sketches I've seen are absolutely amazing.

"I just… I love him, Bella," she whispered. Her lower lip began to tremble and her eyes filled with tears. "I love him and I've lost him because he'll never forgive me for what I said. I destroyed the man I love. I crushed his spirit. What the hell am I going to do?"

I took in a deep breath because I didn't want to say the words I was going to say. "Well, if you love him, and he loves you, then you two can still fix it. You have to start by talking to him and-"

"Are you fucking crazy?" she yelled, sitting up and angrily wiping tears from her cheeks. "I'm never talking to that man ever again."

"Then how in the hell are you ever going to work things out if you don't talk about it?"

"I don't know but there's no way in hell I'm talking to him. Anyway, he has to make the first move. If he hadn't been such a dick about me getting a stupid fucking tattoo in the first place, we wouldn't have even gotten into a fight. This is his fault, damn it!"

That Vodka bottle she was cradling was looking better and better. I licked my lips a little. It was going to be a long, long night.

Hours passed. She went over every conversation they'd had, talked about how amazing he was and how incredible he made her feel, then immediately switched it up and started trash talking him and shouting how much she hated him. And she got drunk; really, really drunk. Somehow I stayed sober through all of it.

"He's bootiful," she said, drawing the word out and hiccuping a little. "I hate that. And his heart… why does it have to be bootiful too?"

"He's not beautiful, Rose. It's the drunkard-in-love inside of you talking right now because the Hulkster is scary, not beautiful. That man is like kick-your-ass-and-toss-it-in-a-dumpster scary. He-" I stopped talking and frowned. I had Diablo locked up in the pantry, and he had started barking at something. I listened for a second and could hear a bunch of mumbled voices and shouting. It sounded like it was coming from the direction of Edward's house.

"But he _is_ bootiful," Rose moaned.

Ignoring her, I quickly jumped off the couch and looked out the window. "_Holy shit,_" I mumbled as my eyes took in the scene before me. The Hulkster was in Edward's yard along with Jake and a couple other guys I didn't recognize. They were all trying to restrain the Hulk.

"_Rosie_," Emmett shouted in a perfect _Rocky _imitation. The only thing that was missing was the 'Yo.'

I immediately ran over and made sure the door was locked. No way was I letting the Hulk into my house.

"What 'er you doin'?" Rose slurred.

"Nothing," I said. "I was just checking to see if Edward was home yet." I stepped back over to the window and watched in horror as the Hulkster escaped the four men that were trying to contain him and barreled straight towards my front door.

"_Holy shit_," I mumbled again, backing away from the window. I stared in horror at the door and almost jumped a foot in the air when Emmett started pounding on it.

"_Rosie!"_ he shouted again.

My eyes flew to Rose. She frowned and stared at the door with an odd look on her face.

"_Rosie! Baby!_ I know you're in there because your car's out here."

"_Emmie?_" she said, her eyes widening. "He's _here?_"

My mouth gaped open because when in the hell had she started calling him Emmie? I wanted to take a moment to barf, but I collected myself and overcame my urge to vomit. "Apparently… What do you want me to do?" I asked her as Emmett continued pounding. I could hear yelling from the guys; they were all obviously trying to get Emmett to leave.

Rose suddenly sobered up. "Tell him to go away! I don't want to even _see_ that stupid man!"

"Okay," I said, more to myself. But I started to panic because it was the Hulk that was on the other side of that door, and I had a feeling he wasn't going to just 'go away'.

I took in a deep breath and steeled my nerves. "Rose doesn't want to talk now," I yelled through the door. "Go away, Emmett."

"Fuck that!" he shouted, pounding harder. "Open this goddamn door!"

"Oh god, oh god, oh god," I mumbled as I pulled out my phone and dialed Edward. He answered almost immediately.

"Bella? I'm so sorry, I-"

"Tell Emmett if he doesn't leave, I'm calling the cops."

"No, don't do that. We'll get him out of here, okay?"

"Tell him if he breaks my door, he's going to buy me a new one!"

"I will. Stay on the line with me, Bella, okay?"

"Okay."

"Emmett!" I could hear Edward shout. "Rose will talk to you tomorrow when you're sober, okay? You have to go home now otherwise you're going to spend the night in jail. You don't want to go to jail, do you?"

"I don't give a fuck! I'll spend the rest of my life in jail just for a chance to talk to my Rosie!" Emmett shouted back, practically beating my door in. I could literally see the door heaving and felt like it was going to fly open with wood splintering everywhere any second.

"Edward? What should I do?" I said in a desperate voice into the phone. "The dude went to WWE School for Christ's sake! He could bust in here and start tossing my furniture around like it was nothing. I've seen what those guys can do." Apparently I became a blabbering idiot when faced with stressful situations.

"Bella, just hang on and I'll-" Edward continued talking but Rose called out my name so I looked up at her.

"Let him in," she said. "I'll give him five minutes and then I'm tossing his ass back out."

I nodded and quickly went back to the phone. "Edward?"

"Yeah?" he answered back.

"Rose said he can come in, but he only gets five minutes."

"Okay. Hang on." It took some time, but Edward finally got through the drunken Hulk's thick skull and got him calmed down.

"All right," Edward said. "I think you can open the door now."

"Let me talk to him first," I said.

"Okay. Hang on."

After a minute or so Emmett got on the line. "Hello?" he said.

"Yeah, I really don't appreciate the way you've been trying to knock down my door. If you even put a dent in it, you're going to replace it, got it?"

"Uh, yeah, sorry about that."

"Now Rose is really upset with you," I said, my eyes on Rose, making sure that she was copacetic with what I was saying. She nodded eagerly. "She's giving you five minutes to talk and then I expect you to leave. If you don't, I'm going to call the cops and have you escorted from the premises, do you understand?"

"Yeah, yeah, I just have to see her… Rosie, my Rosie, I fucked things up royally, and I have to make it up to her."

"All right, put Edward back on."

"Hello?" Edward said.

"I'm going to open the door now. He has five minutes."

"Okay."

I hung up and opened the door and good thing I stepped to the side because even though the Hulk was big, that man could move lightning fast. Before I could even blink, he was in front of Rose down on his knees, telling her what a total dumbass he was and begging for forgiveness. While I watched the scene before me, I felt two arms wrap around me and felt lips on my temple. "You okay?" Edward whispered.

Turning, I wrapped my arms around his neck and brought his lips to mine. "Yeah," I whispered before softly kissing him. Just as I started to really get into his luscious, soft lips, I heard someone clearing their throat. I left Edward's lips and peeped around him to see three sets of eyes watching us. Mortified, I quickly let Edward go.

I said a quick, "Hi," to Jake before Edward introduced me to his other friends, Pete and Bill. The four of them talked for a few minutes. His friends wanted to make sure the situation with Emmett was under control before they left. I looked around to find Emmett and Rose all over each other. I shuddered and quickly turned my back to them.

"Guess they're in good shape now," Jake said with a chuckle.

My lip curled up. "I wouldn't call that _good_," I said, shivering a little, causing Jake to laugh again. I said goodbye to Edward's friends, and we watched from the door as they got into their cars. I frowned as I turned back into the house and didn't see the dueling duo.

"Where'd they go?" I asked Edward, a sick feeling starting to curdle in my stomach.

"I don't know. Want me to go look?"

"Yes," I said as panic started flooding my nervous system. "Oh my god, they had better not be doing anything… _disgusting_."

Edward swallowed hard and squeezed my hand. "Jesus, I hope not. Wish me luck. I'm going in."

I watched as he made his way towards the kitchen. He turned when he got to the doorway and gave me a sad little wave like he was never going to see me again. It made me snort a little because he looked so damn cute.

He disappeared into the kitchen for a moment, and I swear I held my breath. Then out of nowhere he shouted, "Jesus Christ!" and high-tailed it out of there. His face was deathly pale as he made his way back towards me.

"Are they…?"

"Yeah, you don't want to know what I just saw."

"Oh my god, how could they do that in my house? This is unbelievable. Where in the hell am I supposed to go? I'm calling the cops," I said, yanking my phone out of my pocket.

Edward grabbed my hands. "You can't call the cops. Come over to my house."

"I don't want to go to your house. I want to stay in _my_ house. I should be able to stay in _my_ house without my stupid fucking friend fornicating in my kitchen!" I said loudly in the direction of said kitchen.

"Come on," Edward said, grabbing my hand and literally pulling me out the front door. "I'll take care of you."

"I can't believe this is happening. People are always taking advantage of me. First it was my brother last night with the babysitting and now Rose. When is it going to stop?"

Edward unlocked his front door and held it open for me. "It stops right here because I promise that I'll never take advantage of you," he said.

I stared at his beautiful, serious face for a moment. "Thank you. That's seriously sweet, and I believe you, but it still doesn't make me feel better."

He nodded in understanding. We stepped into his house, and he flipped on some lights and sat down on the couch. "Come here," he said, patting the spot next to him. All I could think about was seeing that hoe riding him on that couch.

"No, no," I said, squinting my eyes shut and holding my hands up. "You two… I saw…"

"Oh, right. Sorry," he said, jumping off of the couch and tugging me down the hallway to his kitchen. I took one look at that table where he had that all you-can-eat pussy buffet and I freaked. I needed to get the hell out of there fast.

"Oh my god… my house and _your_ house," I said, motioning towards the table. "I just can't deal with this. I think I'm just going to go stay in a hotel tonight or something." I looked at that table again and swallowed hard. "How much time would I have to serve for arson because once my best friend and your brother are done fornicating in my house, I'm going to set it on fire then I'm coming over here and setting this place ablaze as well. Will you wait on me until I get out of prison?"

Smiling, he pulled me into his arms. "Bella, I would wait on you… forever," he whispered.

All of the stress and tension that I was experiencing instantly vanished from my body, and I felt mellow. I sighed and reached my hands up and touched his cheeks, his lips. "Remember how I said you were so attachable?"

He nodded, kissing my fingertips.

"This is a perfect example of it. What you just said screams 'attachableness' to me. It makes me want… it makes me want to…"

"What?" he whispered, tucking my hair behind my ear.

"It makes me want to… keep you," I whispered.

He made a humming sound and smiled. "I want you to keep me. As a matter of fact, I like the idea of being a _kept_ man."

"You are a strange, sexy, beautiful man."

"And you are a strange, sexy, beautiful woman. We're perfect for each other. We're meant to be."

I sighed and felt my insides melt into that goo-like substance again. His lips touched mine briefly before he grabbed my hand and started dragging me back down the hallway towards the front door.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"I'm going to stand guard at the entrance to your kitchen while you pack a bag."

"Why?"

"Because after I smack the matches out of your hand, I'm kidnapping you and riding off into the sunset, or to the nearest hotel, whichever we hit first."

My brows scrunched together because I couldn't process his words. "Huh?"

"You heard me, woman. I'm giving you five minutes. You better pack fast."

We got to my front door, and he held it open for me, motioning me inside. I just stood there, staring at him with my mouth hanging open unable to move a muscle. He lifted his arm and tapped his watch. "Time is ticking, Bella. You now have four minutes and thirty seconds…"

His words suddenly started to compute. Triple N was rescuing me. We were going to ride off into the sunset together. I was going to have my Nasty Naughty Neighbor in a hotel room all to myself. And possibly get to do nasty naughty things to his brat. That thought right there sent me into action. "_Holy shit_," I mumbled as I took off and ran towards the stairs as fast as I could. I could hear his laughter behind me as I stumbled up the staircase, my heart about to pound out of my chest.

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><p><strong>AN: LOL. Hm… the next chapter should be lots of fun, huh? ;))) I love all of you! Please leave a review and let me know you're still reading. ;)))**


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Yes, this is another chappie. Two updates in the same week! WOOT! You guys seriously motivated me. Thank you so much to everyone who pimped this story on FB. You are amazing! Fallingsnow87 made me a beautiful banner so make sure to go check it out on FB. It's just lovely and she is such a sweet person for doing that. Thank you, girl! ;)))**

**And thanks to everyone who left a review. I hold your words in my heart. I'm just so happy that I could put a smile on your faces. I love you all!**

**And thanks so much to my loveliest of ladies who pre-read this nonsense for me: Lfcpam, JayNahNah, betsmecullen, and SunflowerFran. You ladies rock!**

**SM owns Twilight.**

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><p><em><strong>MY DEVIL<strong>_

_**CHAPTER 15**_

"_Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god,"_ I chanted under my breath while I quickly shoved clothes into my bag. I was in full-on freak-the-fuck-out mode. My heart raced like crazy, and I could not get myself to calm down. I hoped Rose was enjoying her fornication in my kitchen because she was a soon-to-be dead woman. I had plans to painfully plant my foot in her gigantic ass right before I murdered her. It didn't matter that she was drunk; I was going to beat the drunk out of her and then kill her.

I yanked open my panty drawer and let out a groan. "_Shit…_ What am I going to pack?" I didn't do sexy underwear. Lace made me itch and gave me hives. I sure as hell didn't do thongs either because I had no qualms about digging those suckers out when they went riding up into the unknown. My underwear collection was embarrassing and Edward seemed like a sexy lingerie kind of guy and I was about to have a stroke because of it. My anxiety level escalated even more when I thought about that skankleberry showing up on his doorstep and flaunting her sexy-lacy barely-there crap on her slutty, plastic-filled body.

But then I remembered that Edward had already seen me in my underwear that day Raine shit all over me, and he didn't puke or anything, so that was something positive to cling to. But I was wearing some pretty tame undies that day; my purple striped ones. I dug through my drawer to find them, but realized they were in the dirty clothes. With a huff, I grabbed several pairs with lips and smiley faces plastered on them and shoved them into the bottom of my bag.

Was I going to let Triple N see my underwear? Why, yes. Yes, I was. That's why I was freaking the fuck out. I knew there was no way in hell I could spend a night with that sexy hunk of man in a hotel room and not show him my panties at some point. Especially when he said things like _"I would wait on you… forever." _I got a shiver up my spine just recalling the look in his eyes when he said those incredible, panty-vaporizing words. I might as well not even bother wearing any.

Closing my eyes, I took in several deep breaths and smacked myself on the chest a couple of times to try to get my heart to stop galloping. But I think all I managed to accomplish was to leave a couple of ugly, red welts across my chest.

Grabbing my bag, I hurried to the stairs. I stopped when I saw Edward patiently waiting for me at the bottom. He turned his head and slowly looked up. His eyes lit up, and a breathtaking smile broke out across his beautiful lips. I sighed like a girly girl and felt my body relax as I smiled back down at the gorgeous man.

"I'm here to rescue you, my lady," he said still grinning as he extended his hand out towards me. I grinned even bigger and started to take a step down, but stopped cold when I heard Rose shout out, _"Yes, Emmie! Just like that…"_

With wide, terrified eyes, I swallowed down an impending upchuck and began trucking down the steps as fast as I could towards Edward. "I am _so_ ready to be rescued."

Chuckling, he grabbed my bag and tossed it over his shoulder then wrapped his arms around me. "My steed awaits outside, my bewitching Bella," he murmured before softly touching his lips to mine. I wanted to tell him that he was confused because his steed was in his pants, but I kept that to myself and focused on his delicious lips. They were so soft and sweet and tasted so good, but before I could actually get into enjoying them, I heard barking.

I reluctantly pulled away from him. "Oh, shit, I forgot about Diablo. What should I do with him?"

"Uh…" Edward's brows creased as he stared down at me.

"I mean, I guess I could leave him here. He does have food and water in there, but I hate leaving him all night and-"

"No," Edward said interrupting me and shaking his head. "We'll take him with us."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah… we'll just go somewhere that allows pets; although I don't know what kind of establishment we might end up at."

I looked towards the kitchen and swallowed hard then looked back up at Edward. "Should I go get him?" I asked in a small, scared voice.

Edward took in a deep breath and blew it out slowly. "No, I'll go. I'm your knight here to rescue you, so it's my duty to protect you as well, my lady."

I smiled and sighed and my insides felt all warm and gooey like a hot, chocolate chip cookie fresh out of the oven. I knew my eyes had to have had hearts in them as I stared up at him. "Thank you," I whispered before leaning up on my tip-toes to give him a sweet kiss on his even sweeter lips.

He hummed against my mouth. "I like this protecting thing. It certainly has its rewards."

"I like you protecting me."

"I'll always protect you."

At that precise moment, Emmett shouted from the kitchen, _"I fucking love you, Rosie,"_ amid some disgustingly vile grunts, rudely interrupting the little 'moment' Edward and I had going on.

A nauseated look crossed Edward's face; he looked exactly how I felt. "Do you still have those huge sunglasses?" he asked.

I frowned. "Yeah… Why?"

"I might need them to help reflect the glare off of Emmett's white ass."

"Oh my god… You saw his ass?"

Edward nodded, his lip curled up. "I will admit that I have had the misfortune to have seen my brother's ass before, but I've never seen it doing… _that._" Edward shivered and I cringed, my face squashing up in revolution.

"God, that's disgusting. You poor, poor sweet man. Hang on a sec," I said. I stepped over to the table by the door and dug the sunglasses out of my purse.

Walking back over to him, I placed them gently in his hand and stared up into his eyes. "Be safe," I said as if I was saying goodbye to my knight who was about to enter a battle. "I'll be waiting for you, my… love."

The most beautiful smile broke out across his face. I swear his green eyes danced and twinkled. He reached his hand up and gently brushed his fingers across my cheek. "I was just joking about the glasses, you crazy woman, but if I survive my journey, my _love_…" he said, smiling so huge that I started giggling. "Stop laughing. This is an extremely serious matter that involves life and death."

"Okay," I tried to say seriously, but failed when another loud giggle popped out.

He tried to give me a stern look, but it looked hilarious considering he was still smiling. "Upon my return, my love, I will take thee to my bed this night. And I shall bestow love upon every inch of thy body."

My mouth dropped open, and drool seeped out of the corner. I couldn't get any air, and I felt like I might hyperventilate. "Every inch?" I somehow managed to squeak out.

He nodded and stepped closer. His lips barely touched mine as he let his hot, lusty breath wash over my mouth. "Every single inch," he breathed all hot and heavy. "And I shall not let thee leave my bed, ever."

I made an embarrassing gasping, gargling sound like I had just choked on my saliva. "Never?"

"Never… because I shall tie thee to it."

I busted out laughing, burying my head in his chest, and he chuckled along with me. I finally got myself under control and looked up at him. "You're not into that kind of thing are you?"

"No… but I can be if you want me to," he said, waggling his eyebrows.

"No," I said with a giggle. "I'm good with no bondage."

He smiled and gave me a quick kiss. Before I even knew what was happening, he turned slightly to the side and put on _The Fly_ glasses. He turned back to me and said, "So, do you still find me to be super-hot?"

Without my consent, a gigantic bubble of laughter blasted out of me along with some spit. I immediately clasped my hands over my mouth, and I was completely mortified when I saw that some of it had landed on his shirt. Thankfully, the glasses had acted as a shield and had protected his beautiful eyes from my saliva shower. "You're scorching. You're hotter than the super hottest," I said, fanning myself like I couldn't stand the heat before I busted out giggling like a hyena.

He grinned from ear-to-ear seeming to be happy as a lark. "I can't believe you can still make me feel like a god, even with all of your crazy talk," he said, chuckling and shaking his head.

I laughed the entire time I watched him walk down the hallway. I continued to laugh when he turned and waved at me with those ridiculous glasses on. I honest-to-god could not believe that he actually put them on. When he disappeared into the kitchen, I continued to laugh until tears squeezed out of the corners of my eyes. The laughter intensified when moments later he ran like his ass was on fire at top-speed out of the kitchen carrying Diablo. The glasses had slid down his nose during his sprint until they were perched on the tip, and I literally thought I was going to die. I bent over and held my aching gut while I tried to pull in some desperately-needed oxygen.

"It's not funny," he said, a little out-of-breath. "I got flanked from the west. I forgot about my peripheral vision and caught sight of his ass again. I was wounded in battle, my lady."

I wheezed like I'd had a five-pack-a-day cigarette addiction for the last twenty years of my life. Panting heavily, I stayed in a bent-over position and continued to rub my painful stomach. Screw going to the gym; I felt like I'd just done about a thousand sit-ups. Thankfully, he took the glasses off, and momentarily I was able to get myself under control enough that I could at least stumble out the front door.

We laughed and snickered all the way out to his car. He tucked me into the passenger seat of his Porsche and ran into his house to pack a bag. Moments later, he climbed into the car, put his hands on the steering wheel and turned to me. "So where are we going?"

"I don't know."

"Do you know any hotels that allow pets?"

"No," I said, shaking my head.

He pulled out his cell phone and started doing a search. I sat there staring at his handsome profile that was illuminated from the glow of his phone while he intently studied it, and the nerves began to kick into overdrive. The longer I stared at him, the more nervous I got. "I've never been to a hotel with a man," I said out of the clear blue. My eyes widened because I didn't know where those words came from. Did Edward have someone hiding in the trunk?

He stopped what he was doing and looked at me. "So I'll be your first," he said casually with a smirk.

"No… it just seems _weird_. Doesn't it seem kind of sleazy for us to – _you know_ – at a hotel of all places?"

"It's sleazy for us to _sleep_ at a hotel?" he asked, cocking an eyebrow at me.

"Ugh, you know what I mean."

"I'll have you know that my intentions are completely honorable with you, Ms. Swan. Were you intending on taking advantage of me?" Grinning, he tucked his phone back into his pocket and started the engine.

"_No_… well, maybe…"

"Ha! I knew you wouldn't be able to resist me for long. It's the Cullen charm. I'm frankly quite irresistible."

I ignored his boasting and looked at the road. "Where are we going?"

"You'll see…" he said in a cryptic voice, looking like the cat that had just swallowed the canary. Diablo crawled off my lap and curled up in Edward's.

"He doesn't love me anymore," I said with a pout.

"Nah, he just loves us both now," Edward said, sounding all happy and content. Yeah, he was happy because _he_ was Diablo's beloved now, that damn traitor dog. I was still pouting when Edward reached over and picked up my hand and threaded his fingers through mine, resting our clasped hands in my lap. My heart started skittering all over the place.

I stared at Diablo for a few more minutes and sat up a little straighter. "Wait, I forgot his leash."

"You won't need it," Edward said with a smile. He was starting to piss me off because I seriously wanted to know where we were going.

About half an hour later, we turned down a secluded road that curved up a hillside. At the end of the road was a huge, fancy-as-hell wrought iron gate similar to what you'd see in front of a movie star's house. Edward pulled a card out of his wallet, slipped it into the card reader and the gates opened.

"Where the hell are we?" I asked.

He smiled. "My parent's house; they're out of town, so the place is ours tonight."

We pulled through the gates, and I squinted into the darkness, trying to see down the driveway. The drive was beautiful and perfectly landscaped with trees lining it, and it seemed like it went on forever. After driving a bit, I finally got a glimpse of a house. I leaned forward in my seat and my eyes widened. No, it wasn't a house; it was a mansion. No, it wasn't a mansion; it was a castle… most definitely a castle.

"_Holy shit…"_ I said slowly as I stared up in complete awe at the colossal castle that lay before us. There were lights everywhere, strategically placed to highlight and accent the home to perfection. "Your parents live _here?_"

"Yep. I used to live here too. We moved here when I was 12. My mom's an architect, and she designed the place."

"_Holy cow."_

"I think it's excessive. It's just my parents that live here now, well, them and the staff. Which reminds me…" he mumbled, pulling his phone out. "I need to text Maria not to bother us in the morning."

"Who's Maria?"

"The maid," he said, still texting. "Don't worry; they have separate quarters so they won't bother us." He typed for a few more seconds and then tucked his phone back into his pocket.

I just sat there staring at him as if an alien had taken over his body. Did I even _know_ who this man was?

"Anyway, the house is way too big for just the both of them. It was too big for the four of us when Emmett and I lived here. We affectionately refer to it as 'The Palace'."

I laughed. "That's a good name for it. I think you could take your house and my house times five and fit them inside there and still have some room left over."

"Probably," Edward said with a chuckle.

He insisted I stay put so he could open my door, and he kept Diablo under his arm the whole time. He grabbed our bags, and we made our way up to the front door… or entrance way… or grand palatial opening. I didn't even know what to call it. It was huge, impressive and very overwhelming.

Once inside, Edward disarmed the alarm system, and I think the lights just magically came on because I didn't see him hit any switches. I gasped as I took everything in. The entry way had marble tile on the floor and a massive circular table in the center of it with a giant floral arrangement that looked to be about eight feet tall. The ceiling had to be thirty feet or higher and above the floral arrangement was a crystal chandelier that looked like it cost more than I made in a year. Or maybe even two. Past that, I could see into a living area that looked exactly like it came out of a magazine. Beyond that was floor-to-ceiling windows, and I could see the twinkling lights of Seattle in the distance.

"Edward… this place is absolutely incredible. I'm completely speechless. I'm flabbergasted."

"Eh, it's all right. Don't let it overwhelm you. Let's go up to my old room."

We went up a curved staircase with beautiful, ornate designs carved into the wood. I stepped gently, afraid that I might scuff something or get it dirty with my shoes. We walked for what seemed like an hour or so until we finally got to his room.

"Here we are," he said.

"It's about time," I said with a chuckle. "I'm exhausted. Can we take the elevator next time?"

"Oh, sure, I didn't think about that."

"Huh?"

"We'll do that next time. Sorry, I wasn't thinking."

My eyes widened. "They have an _elevator?_"

"Of course."

"Oh my god, Edward, I was just joking."

Edward chuckled and opened the door. The bedroom was immense and impeccably decorated. The walls were a pale salmon color with several pieces of abstract art on them. One wall was covered in windows with drawn shades, and I knew they had to look out over that fantastic view. The huge four-poster bed was a dark mahogany with white bedding that had about twenty or so variously-shaped pillows on it. There were several pieces of matching furniture along with a chaise lounge in the corner. Honestly, the entire first level of my house could have fit into this one bedroom. I looked up and gasped when I saw the tiered ceiling trimmed with ornate woodwork and topped off with recessed lighting.

"Uh… my bedroom looked nothing like this when I lived here, trust me," Edward said.

I chuckled. "Yeah, I didn't think so. What did it look like?"

"I was a pig and into black. Everything was black. My mother despised my room."

"I bet."

Edward dropped our bags onto the hardwood floor and set Diablo down on the bed. Kicking his shoes off, he lay down on his side, propping himself up on his elbow. My heart started a sprint in my chest and my stomach did weird flip-flops as I stood there staring at him. He looked so sexy on that gigantic bed, smiling at me with a crooked grin on his face.

"Get comfortable and hurry up and get over here," he said, patting the spot next to him.

Slipping my shoes off, I climbed up onto the bed. I almost had to ask him for a boost because the thing was so danged tall. I lay opposite him, propping myself up on my elbow, mirroring him. The bedding felt luxurious and was as soft as silk. I looked down at Diablo who crawled in between us and curled up into a ball. "Is it okay for him to be on this white bed?" I asked, knowing full well that as soon as he got up, there would be little black hairs everywhere his little body touched.

"He's fine."

I ran my hand over the sensuous duvet. "So your mom's an architect. What in the world does your dad do? Grow money trees?" I asked.

Edward laughed. "Hardly. He's a surgeon. You know how you said you have mommy issues?"

I nodded.

"Well, I have daddy issues. My dad is a dick; a huge, pretentious prick, but that's beside the point. He's definitely not the source of all the money. My mom comes from money, a lot of money. Her father and grandfather were into commercial real estate. At one point, they owned half of downtown Seattle. When they died, the money went to her."

"Wow."

Edward touched my hand and began rubbing circles on it. "So does this bother you?"

"Does what bother me?"

"The money… Does it change how you feel about me?"

"What do you mean?"

A little smile played on his lips. "Are you okay with me being rich _and_ super-hot?"

I giggled. "I don't know. I think I can handle the super-hot part, but the rich part not so much. It has to be such a burden carrying around all those bags of cash. Don't you ever get tired?"

"It's exhausting. Do you have a spare room where I could store some of it?"

I laughed and he chuckled. We grew quiet for a moment. I watched his fingers make trails over the back of my hand and could feel the goose flesh breaking out over my skin just from his small touch. Swallowing hard, I took in a deep breath. "So… are we really going to do this?" I asked softly.

"Maybe…" he said his eyes still on our hands. He slowly lifted his eyes to mine and searched them for a moment. "Do you want to?"

I stared back into his beautiful, hopeful eyes and my mouth twisted up in the corner and I nodded. He smiled and gave me a little nod back.

"So I'm going to be number seven?" I asked.

"What?"

"You know, the seventh girl that you've… _had_."

His brows scrunched together, and he just stared and studied me so intently that it made me nervous so I quickly looked down at Diablo.

He was quiet for a bit longer before he softly asked, "So what number will I be?"

I took in a deep breath. "Three."

"I wish I was number one."

I looked up at him. "You _are_ number one."

He smiled and nodded. "You know what they say about the number seven, right?"

I shook my head.

"That it represents completion."

I contemplated his statement for a moment. "Hm... I didn't know that."

Lifting his hand, he touched my cheek. "Bella, there won't be a number eight."

My mouth fell open. "What?"

"There will never be a number eight."

My heart started doing Julie Andrews twirls in my chest. My throat felt like I needed to cough up a fur ball. "Never?" I choked out.

He scooted closer to me and rubbed his fingers along the back of my cheek so tenderly. "Never. You're it for me. You're the woman I've been waiting for my whole life. There will only be you, my number seven… my completion."

My heart stopped twirling and froze in my chest just as Julie passed out cold. Edward disappeared from my sight, and I thought I had literally died for a moment and was seeing the bright white light that led to Jesus. But then I blinked and realized it wasn't Jesus I was looking at but just Edward's blurry image that I was seeing through my stupid, watery eyes. "But… what if I die?" I asked because if he kept saying stuff like that, he was definitely going to put me in front of Jesus sooner than I wanted to be.

"Then I'll become celibate," he said, rubbing his thumb over my lower lip.

"You'd…" I had to stop and clear my throat and quickly dash some tears away. "You'd let your brat shrivel?"

A small smile touched his lips. "Yes. I'd just let it fall off."

Tears started streaming down my cheeks.

"Why are you crying, you silly, crazy woman?" he asked, chuckling a little and pulling me into his arms. Diablo stayed between us so we kind of smashed him, and oddly enough, he seemed to like it.

"I don't know," I said, sniffling. "You just say all these sweet things that make my heart go squishy and almost flat line, and I have all of these feelings bubbling up inside of me and it makes me want to cry and simultaneously rip your clothes off."

Groaning, I smashed my face against his chest. "Oh, god, I didn't mean to say that."

He started chuckling and running his fingers through my hair. "You're so adorably crazy."

"Crazy, yes… I've tried to warn you."

"Do it."

I pulled away from his chest and frowned as I looked up into his eyes. "Do what?"

"Rip my clothes off."

I started snorting and laughing all at the same time. I think I sobbed a little too. Edward laughed and started kissing the tears from my face. "You'd like that, wouldn't you?" I asked.

"I will admit it would be a dream come true."

I laughed and sniffled a little more.

He kissed the rest of my tears away and stared at me with the softest, most gentle look in his eyes. It made my heart go pitter-patter. "Bella, I know you're insecure about yourself. I don't exactly understand why – maybe it has to do with your mother – but I find you to be the most stunningly beautiful woman I've ever met. You make me feel incredible when I'm with you, you always make me smile and your sense of humor cracks me the hell up. I think you are amazing."

That stupid Julie Andrews character I kept seeing in my head snapped out of her passed-out cold state, raised her arms above her head and started whirling around and around singing at the top of her lungs. My chest ached like an elephant had just plopped his fat ass on it. I had this strange, shaky feeling inside of me like something was building volcanic-like and was about to reach the erupting point.

"But before we spend the night together," he said, kissing me softly, "I need to tell you something. I don't want just tonight with you, Bella. I want forever."

Julie swooned and passed-out cold again. All I could do was gasp and stop breathing and hope Jesus didn't appear before my eyes.

"I want to spend the rest of my nights that I have on this earth with you," he said in the sweetest, most tenderly sensitive voice I'd ever heard.

I started full-on bawling. It was snot-flying, absolutely hysterical I-have-no-control-over-myself hysteria. I buried my face in his chest and let it rip. He just hugged and kissed me and stroked my hair and kept chuckling all the while telling me everything was going to be okay.

I hiccuped and sniffled and may have used his shirt a little as a Kleenex before I managed to regain my composure. I had to tell him what I was feeling. I literally felt like I was going to implode if I didn't. I grabbed his disgusting snotty shirt in my fists and stared him in the eyes. I know I had to have looked like a crazed lunatic because damn it, I was. "No, no, it's not okay, Edward, I love you. I can't keep it in any longer because it's about to bust out of me. I love you so much that it's ridiculous, like it's embarrassing how much. I knew I would do this at a really inappropriate moment, but I can't help it. You're just so beautiful on the inside and out, and I think you are absolutely perfect. Well, except for your feet; just the color, though. They're corpse-colored. But everything else about you is absolute perfection, and I'm so in love with you. I just love you a lot."

Edward threw his head back and cackled so loudly that I thought he was going to hurt himself. He laughed and laughed and kept on laughing, and I started to get a little irritated because I had just poured my heart out to him and confessed my undying love and all he could do was laugh. I tried to scoot away from him, but he just pulled me tighter and kept laughing. He finally caught his breath and wiped his teary eyes. "God, I love you," he said before chuckling a little more. "Only you could pull off telling me you love me and that I have corpse-colored feet all in one breath. We're going to have an amazing life together, you know that?"

My ears perked up all pointy just like Diablo's did when he heard the mailman approaching. I swear to god I didn't hear a single word Edward said after the 'I love you' bit. Not a single one. "Wait. You love me?"

"God, yes, of course I love you. I've been dropping you hints like crazy, but you've just been completely ignoring them."

"When? What hints?" I asked, wiping my eyes again.

"Like when I told you that I'd been in love twice and that the second time happened really fast. _You_ were the second time."

"Seriously?"

"Yes, seriously."

"Well, I wasn't actually listening too closely because I was having one of those ugly, jealous moments. Which reminds me, who was this first girl you fell in love with?" I asked, my puffy eyes narrowing slightly.

"Oh, no, we aren't going there tonight," he said, cackling.

"Yes, we are. I need to know. Then I might have to leave for a little while to go kick her ass."

He snickered. "You're so damn cute, and I love you so much."

My bi-polar-self decided to step up and shine brightly. "You do?" I asked all soft and doe-eyed. Well, more like _blood-shot_ doe-eyed, but still doe-eyed.

"So much," he said softly. "I'm fucking crazy about you."

I sighed and smiled and rubbed his nice neck. "When did you know you loved me?"

"I swear I think it was the moment I met you and you let fugly here attack me," he said. He moved away from me just a hair, and I smiled when I saw Diablo squished between us sound asleep.

"Shame on you for calling him that, and I did not let him attack you. Besides, you acted like you hated me."

"Well, I was highly agitated because I'd locked myself out of my house and was having a shitty morning. But then I found that I couldn't stop thinking about you, and that's when I knew I was in trouble," he said, smiling.

"_Aw_… you thought about me?" I asked, feeling all mushy-mellow-y inside.

"Every single second," he said still smiling. "So when did you know you loved me?"

"When you messed your Gucci pants and I saw Patrick's cone head dangling off your forehead."

He barked out a laugh and hugged me closer. "It doesn't get much more romantic than that," he said. I just stared at him, unable to really even comprehend that he could love me like I loved him. Of course, once again my stupid eyes started welling up with tears. I hated being such a girl.

"Are you going to cry again?"

"Yes, I am," I said, smiling as a tear streaked down my cheek. "These are joyous tears so leave me alone. I'm just so happy right now that I feel like I need to either cry or start singing or something."

"Singing?" he asked with a chuckle. "Why do I have the distinct feeling that your singing would terrify me?"

I laughed and smacked him.

He grinned. "Feel free to sob all you want, but please, _please_ don't start singing."

I giggled and wiped some more tears away.

"We're going to have some great stories to tell our grand kids, aren't we?" he asked.

My mouth dropped open. "Huh? What grand kids?"

"_Our_ grand kids. Duh…"

"We aren't going to have grand kids. How can you say that? We haven't even had sex yet."

"Let's fix that right now, shall we?" he said with a devil-look in his eyes. "Take your clothes off."

"I'm serious, Edward. How can you just be so confident about us having _grand kids_ of all things when we haven't even slept together?"

"Because I just know; I can't explain it, but…" He picked up my hand and pressed it against his heart. "I can just _feel_ it, in here. We're going to grow old together and hopefully laugh our asses off the entire way there," he said, smiling beautifully.

"But how…? Are you psychic or something?"

"No," he said with a chuckle. "Look, we've both already dropped the L word – and quite uniquely I might add – but you know those M and B words?"

I sniffed and nodded but did it gently because I felt like I was going to pass out like Julie did.

"I want it all. I know how crazy and neurotic you can get so before we do anything tonight, I want us to make a commitment to each other. I want you to M me, Bella."

I sniffled loudly before I let out an intelligent, "Huh?"

"I want us to get M'd."

"What?"

"The M word. I want that for us, for you and me. When the time is right, of course, and I promise to buy you an incredibly expensive ring and make a big deal out of the proposal and make you feel incredibly special and most certainly make you cry, but right now I want you to say yes. Will you M me, Bella? Please? I want you forever."

I just lay there staring up at him with tears on my face and my mouth slack like my brains had just seeped out of my ears and onto those fancy white pillows. He looked so serious and so intensely beautiful that he just completely overwhelmed me. "I…" I cleared my throat and wrapped my arms around his neck, squeezing him hard. "Oh my god, I will so M you, Edward! Yes, yes, _yes!_"

He laughed adorably before smashing his lips against mine. He kissed the breath completely from my body, and I swear I felt like I could just float away on a big cottony cloud. He finally pulled away so I could get some air and started kissing my neck. "I love you so much, Edward," I gushed.

"I love you just as much, my bewitching Bella."

He trailed his lips over my eyes, my cheeks, even my chin. "Now, one more thing before I let you rip my clothes off…" he murmured against my skin. "My feet are not corpse-colored."

I giggled, running my fingers through his hair. "Yes, they are. You have Casper feet."

"Casper doesn't have feet," he said against my collar bones.

He had me on that one. "Well, if Casper _had_ feet, they would be _your _feet."

He looked up and into my eyes for a moment before he stared at my lips. I loved it when he did that. "So what, I need to go tan my feet?"

"Yes. You are right now at a 99.99% perfection ratio. With tanned feet, you would hit 100% perfect or possibly even exceed it."

"Okay. I'll keep that in mind. Now rip my clothes off and have your wicked way with me," he said grinning and looking intensely excited.

"Wait!"

His grin turned to a frown. "What?"

"You want to M me, but what if I'm terrible in bed?"

He snorted. "That's impossible."

"How do you know?"

"Because I'm good in bed, and I won't allow you to be terrible," he said in a cocky voice.

"Super-hot and super-confident… that's a lethal combination."

"You know it. But don't you see?" he said, putting his lips close to mine and doing that dirty thing where he breathed his hot breath against them, getting me all revved up. "You feel that?"

I breathed back on him and prayed my breath wasn't stank. "Yeah…"

"I know how I affect you," he whispered before biting on my lower lip.

My eyes widened, and I swallowed hard. "You do?" I asked. How could he know how soaked my panties were right now? Could he smell them? Dear god, I hoped not.

"When I touch you like this," he said, running his fingertips along my arm up to my collar bone, "you shiver and get goose bumps on your skin. It feels almost electrified, doesn't it?"

"You feel that?"

"Yeah… it's magic," he said with a smile.

I smiled back. "It is… it's _our_ magic."

"We're going to be incredible together, my bewitching Bella. We already love each other, so we have the hard part out of the way, right?"

"Yeah, I guess that's true."

"Now the rest is just pure pleasure."

I could handle letting Triple N pleasure me. A lot. With his brat.

"Do you know how badly I've wanted you?" he asked in a low voice.

"No…" I said, panting a little. I mean panting like I'd just sprinted up Kilimanjaro with a naked Emmett strapped to my back.

With his intense, dark eyes locked on mine, he took my hand and put it on the brat; the hard as a rock brat. I gasped and I just totally stopped breathing as he pressed my hand against it. "Do you feel what you do to me? I've had to jerk off in the shower so many times that it's a wonder I'm not blind."

My voyeur skills were really lacking because I'd been missing out on some hot shower action. "Did you… did you think of me? When you…?" My heart pounded and my breathing became so shallow that I was concerned about the level of oxygen getting to my brain, but my hand did not leave the brat. I began rubbing up and down his massive length, and that thing was a hell of a lot bigger than I remembered it.

He let out the sexiest groan and closed his eyes. "Oh yeah… I thought of you, Bella, every damn time. I thought of you naked with your legs spread open in front of me."

I gulped and made an ugly ungha'ish sound. It was beyond humiliating.

"I thought of touching your pussy… I thought of sliding my fingers through your wet heat."

A squawking sound that I'd never uttered before squawked out of me. It kind of sounded like a swan in anguish.

"I thought of tasting you and making you cum so hard with my tongue that you saw stars."

My eyes widened and my hand that was molesting the brat froze. My mouth opened and closed, but nothing came out. "Uh… uh… Eh… Edward?" I was so discombobulated I couldn't even spit his name out.

He frowned and looked at me with concern.

"I… I… _No one's ever done that to me before,_" I said, super-fast like one of those dudes on those _Jimmy John's_ commercials.

And it was Triple N's turn to gasp…

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><p><strong>AN: Hehehe. I know the cliffy sucked but there was just too much to pack into one chapter. God, I love Triple N. He's such a panty-melter. ;))**

**All right… I'm going to start updating weekly. I want to get this story done so I can get ASWNE done and then I can start the four other stories that I'm dying to write. ;) I've already written the first chapter on two of them but I can't get into those until I get these stories knocked out. So my next update will be next Thursday, July 25****th****. Yay!**

**Don't forget to leave a review! I'm literally dying to know what you thought of this chapter! Squee! This is by far my favorite chapter so far. ;) See you soon!**


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: I pressed 'publish' before midnight! **_**Dear god, I'm good!**_** LOL. Hi. I stressed getting this chapter done in a week. I'm the world's slowest writer and no matter how much I threaten myself, there's no way I can increase my speed. So I'm going to start doing bi-weekly updates. ****Oh, and this chapter is NSFW. ;))**

**I'm sending so much love to my pre-readers that I drove absolutely bonkers this week: Lfcpam, JayNahNah, betsmecullen, and SunflowerFran.**

**SM owns Twilight.**

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><p><em><strong>MY DEVIL<strong>_

_**CHAPTER 16**_

My eyes narrowed because Triple N's gasp did not sound right. There was something wrong with it; something very, very wrong. I was expecting a startled kind of gasp like he couldn't believe what I'd just said because I'd just shocked the bejesus out of him, but his gasp was nothing like that. His was… well, it was over-exaggerated, over-acted and I could even see that his eyes had that twinkling thing going on in them again. His eyes were supposed to be golf-ball-sized and filled with disbelieving shock, not all sparkly and mischievous-looking.

"_No…"_ he said, finally showing me some shocked eyes. Some big, _fake _shocked eyes.

"But… but… aren't you the least bit shocked?"

"Didn't I act shocked?"

"No. You acted like a smart-ass."

He chuckled. "Did you really think I didn't know this about you already?"

"_Yes. _How could you know that?"

"Honestly? I would have been shocked if you _had_ done that before. Bella, have you ever had an orgasm with a man?"

My face lit up like a solar flare had just burst from the surface of it. I wanted to die because how could I talk about my past orgasm experiences with Triple N of all people_?_ Yeah, I desperately loved him, yeah, I had just accepted his adorable, 'not-a-proposal marriage proposal', and yeah, I was hopefully going to laugh the rest of my life away with him, but by god, I did not want to discuss my orgasms with him. I grabbed one of those white pillows off that big bed and shoved my flaring face into it. "Oh, god, don't make me do this," I moaned.

I almost rocketed off the bed when I felt his hand touch my thigh and start slowly sliding upwards. With my face still smashed into the pillow, my eyes popped open, and my mouth gaped when I felt his fingers brush the clit zone. _'Yellow alert!_' I heard Captain Kirk shout. Julie Andrews had vanished, and all I saw in my mind's eye was a big, ugly Klingon head. I became frightened… of my mental faculties, that is.

"Answer the question," Edward said in a sexy-as-fuck demanding voice.

It seemed that I had no breath left to answer the question with. I quickly heaved in some hot air from my smothering-myself-to-death position. "I… I… well, I think so. Yeah, yeah, I'm sure I have. At some point…" I said all muffled and garbled-sounding into that damn pillow before I felt him tugging on it. I hung onto that thing with death claws because I needed more time for my scorching face to cool. But his fingers dug into my sides, and because of my issues with goosy-ness, I let out a loud squeal, and he snatched the pillow away from me. But I wasn't worried; there were nineteen other pillows on that bed to choose from. But before I could grab another one, he latched onto my wrists and imprisoned them above my head.

All of the air that I'd just sucked in whooshed through my open lips when he moved slightly and laid his hot body on top of mine. I could feel Diablo scrambling around; he finally stretched out and snuggled his warm little body against my thigh.

Edward stared directly into my eyes. "What do you mean, you think so? This is a yes or no question. Now answer it."

I shut my eyes, leaned my head back against the pillow and groaned. "I don't know, okay? It's because… because…"

"What?"

"It's just always been different when I…" I said before cutting myself off abruptly. I think I would have rather streaked naked carrying Duncan the Second above my head like a torch during half-time at the Super Bowl than have this conversation.

Edward rubbed the brat inside the clit zone, causing me to gasp. "Oh, god," I mumbled.

His lips covered mine and our tongues tangled for a moment before he buried his face in my hair. "Different when you touched yourself?" he whispered, breathing his hot breath against my ear.

I know my face was squished-up and pained-looking when I nodded because I _was_ in pain; deep, mortifying pain because I'd just fessed up to one of the world's dirtiest sins. I knew Edward had already caught me with Duncan that day in my garage and already knew the services that Duncan provided me, but I liked living in denial. I got great enjoyment in pretending that moment never happened.

Edward whispered my name, and I peeped open one eyelid just a smidgen. "Just thinking about you touching yourself is so fucking hot. I want to see you do that sometime, but tonight I'm going to show you what it's like to have a man – a _real_ man – make you come over and over again…"

My other eyelid popped open because that was an eye-popping statement, but then I remembered what this conversation was about and quickly slammed my eyes shut.

"Why are you so embarrassed?" he asked with a chuckle. "I already told you about my jacking off in the shower, so what's the big deal?"

"It's different. It's just common knowledge that men are horn dogs and need to whack the weasel to let off steam. But for women, they sound like disgusting perverts or something. I don't know…"

"_Whack the weasel?"_ Edward repeated, chuckling. "I never tire of your peculiar phrasing… but, Bella? You're wrong. It's sexy as fuck to hear that you've done that. Look, I don't care what happened in your past. We both have pasts, and that's where it's going to stay: in the past."

Of course, he would have to say that and make me think of that skankity slutwagon when we were about to _get it on _and cause me to want to go green gangster on her brat-bothering ass.

"From now on, it's just about us. I love you and I'm going to fuck you into paradise tonight."

All thoughts of skank woman fled from my mind as an "Ahooga," sound came tumbling out of me. I swear I sounded exactly like one of those horns on those old timey cars. I was so embarrassed; I wasn't supposed to toot my horn when Triple N talked nasty. I was supposed to sigh and breathe heavy while moaning, _"Oh, yes, baby,"_ or some kind of crap like that.

Edward chuckled against my neck. "Did you just toot?" he asked before snickering and sucking slightly on my skin.

"Yes, I think so. I have no idea where that came from."

I swear I could just feel his lips smiling against my neck. "You like me talking dirty, don't you?"

"Yes. Apparently it makes me toot."

He lifted his head and smiled down at me, his eyes dancing with laughter. "You're so cute," he said before lowering his lips to mine, kissing me soft and slow and sexy. He rubbed his hard brat against my center a few more times, causing me to gasp before he released my hands and started working his way down my body.

'_They're arming photon torpedoes, Captain,' _some weird Chekov-sounding Trekkie voice popped into my head from out of nowhere.

My eyes widened when Captain Kirk shouted, _'All hands on deck!'_

Something was definitely wrong with me, but I forgot about that when Edward got to my shorts and pushed my shirt up slightly to expose my belly button. He kissed it, running his tongue around it before he paused and stared up at me with a sexy little smirk on his lips. "So fucking sexy…"

Looking back down, he began to run his fingertips along the edge of my shorts, tickling my skin and causing me to gasp and twitch erratically. "I can't wait to get inside your panties," he murmured before kissing my stomach one last time and popping open the button on my shorts.

I felt like all of the oxygen had been sucked out of the room and me without a space suit. A strange little elongated "Eeee…" sound came out of me like the last bit of remaining air in my lungs had just seeped out.

My eyes became flying saucer-sized when I heard him slowly unzipping me. Chuckling, he looked up. "Butterflies?" he asked with a crooked grin.

I frowned, because could he actually _hear_ the butterfly congregation that had gathered in my stomach? But then I felt like a moron when I realized he was simply referring to my underwear. I just shrugged a little and sat up on my elbows so I could see past my heaving chest.

"I like them," he said still smiling before he leaned down and placed a kiss on them. I swallowed hard and tried to pull back the reins on my racing heartbeat, but that was a waste of time because my heart took off at a breakneck speed when he grasped my shorts and panties and started tugging. I lifted a little and felt faint when within seconds I was naked from the waist down in front of Triple N.

Groaning, he ran his fingers up the insides of my thighs, spreading me open, and I felt as if I was going to die. My heart tried to escape the confines of my ribs, and I made strange panting 'ho' and 'ha' sounds. I watched his face as he stared down there with his mouth slightly gaped. After a moment, he looked up and I inhaled sharply when I saw the dark look in his beautiful eyes; it made me shiver all over with want. I was worried that Triple N might not like what he saw down there, but when I saw that look, my worries vanished.

"Mmm… your pussy is beautiful, Bella. I'm going to make you feel _so _good…" he said in a sex voice before he touched my clit. I was so wound up that my body jerked like a bolt of lightning had just singed my ass.

His face got closer and closer to my la coocharacha, and I started to freak. "Wait!" I called out. He stopped just inches away and looked up.

"Doesn't it… _smell_ down there?" I felt so embarrassed and could not believe that I had actually asked Edward if my coochy smelled, but I felt like I needed to warn him or something.

"Yes… it smells delicious."

Reaching down, he ran his index finger through my wetness, causing me to mumble, _"Whoa, Nelly,"_ and do that weird jerking thing again.

"Who the hell is Nelly?" he asked, trying to hide a little grin.

I shrugged. "A… a horse…?" I mumbled before panting like a horse.

He chuckled and brought his finger up to my nose, which was absolutely ridiculous because couldn't he see that I was horse panting through my mouth and unable to smell at the moment? It took me a second or two before I could take a quick sniff, and my nose immediately scrunched-up. I don't know what the hell he was talking about because it definitely wasn't delicious-smelling; it smelled weird.

Edward chuckled again. "Bella, you need to relax. Pussy smells good to men; we're just wired like that. Now… does this feel good?" he asked, running his finger over my clit in soft little circles.

"Heeee…" I squealed and nodded before heaving heavily and grasping the silky comforter in my tight fists.

"And this?" he asked, his voice getting a little deeper and raspier as he ran his fingers through my wetness and circled my entrance.

"Ho… ho, yeah…"

"I'm going to do those same things, but just with my mouth."

Before I could even prepare myself, he disappeared to the spot between my legs, and my eyes rolled back into my head when I felt his hot, wet tongue touch my clit. I made some strange kind of grunting, heaving noise as if I'd just hoisted that humongous bed above my head like a she-ra.

My eyes opened and widened when I caught sight of Edward staring back at me from between my legs. I could not believe he was staring at me while doing… _that_. I had to look away because just the sensation of his mouth on me alone was enough to overload my senses and send me hurtling towards the planet Vulcan at warp speed.

A loud moan groaned out of me and just as I was about to close my eyes again, I caught sight of Diablo out of the corner of my eye. I'd totally forgotten about him. He was just sitting there on the comforter in an upright position, watching me intently. As soon as our eyes met, his little tail started wagging excitedly. He cocked his tiny head to the side, his gigantic ears sticking straight up like he just couldn't wait for me to say 'treat' or 'go bye-bye'.

"Do you like me sucking your pussy, Bella?" Edward asked, causing me to gasp and look down. "You taste so good I could do this to you all fucking night."

Grabbing a pillow, I shoved my face into it and moaned, my body writhing at what Triple N's mouth was saying and doing to me. I tried my best not to think of Diablo and focus on Edward's devilishly dirty lips and tongue, but I swear I could just _feel_ Diablo's beady eyes watching me through that pillow. That was just wrong. How could I let my dog watch that? It might scar him. Plus, how could I get off _knowing_ that he was watching me?

I started to peek my head around the pillow at him again just as one of Edward's long fingers entered me. _"Holy fucking schmolies…"_ rolled off my tongue, my eyes rolling back into my head as I crushed that pillow back to my face. I was about a millisecond from exploding, but I could not explode with my damn dog watching.

I had to do something, so I yanked the pillow away from my face and found that sure enough, Diablo's excited little eyes were still on me. His tail wagged crazily, and he started shivering all over in excitement as if he were about to burst out of his furry skin. I think he thought I was playing some kind of peek-a-boo game with him.

"Wait… _stop_," I said, shoving the heel of my hand onto Edward's forehead like I was trying to heal him.

He immediately stopped and looked up at me like I was nuts. I gasped when I saw his chin was all wet with _my_ wet. I wanted to towel him off or something. "What the…" he mumbled.

But before he could get another word out, I pointed at Diablo. "He's watching."

Edward turned to the side and Diablo stood up, his tail wagging even more crazily because he now had two people playing this game. Edward busted out laughing. "He's a voyeur just like you," he said between loud guffaws.

"No, he's not."

I looked back at Diablo and watched in confusion as he quit looking at us and used his two front paws to scrape one of the pillows underneath him. He fiddled with it for a few seconds before he got it into the right position and then proceeded to hump the hell out of it.

"Oh my god…" I mumbled, covering my face with my hands.

Edward just laughed harder. "Fugly's a perv."

"No, he's not. Maybe he could smell our pheromones or something and it made him… horny."

Shaking his head and still chuckling, Edward picked Diablo up mid-hump and carried him off to the bathroom with his arms out-stretched as if he were covered in shit. After shutting the door, he came back to the bed.

"Now, where were we?" he asked with a smirk on his still-wet lips. All I could do was stare at that shiny chin, but then it didn't matter when he settled himself between my legs again. "Oh yeah, I was sucking your sweet pussy."

Edward's mouth found my clit again, and I arched off the bed, my eyes closing in ecstasy. He sucked, nibbled, licked and did other things that I didn't know a mouth or tongue could do. Within moments, I heard a roaring in my ears and felt this intensity start building down there. It was like he had taken a house and doused it with kerosene and was standing in front of it holding a match. I was the house and about to rupture into flames any second.

He hummed and sucked my clit hard into his mouth… and the match dropped. Shoving a pillow over my face, my eyes rolled back into my head so far that I almost hurt myself. For a moment or two, I was afraid I might have pulled an eye muscle. I tried to scream, but nothing would come out; it was just _that_ good. My knees clamped around his head while my mouth silently shouted, and I rode out the biggest, longest, most mind-blowing orgasm of my entire existence.

My body went limp, and my arms flopped out to my sides, my legs following suit. The pillow stayed flat on my face, and I didn't even have the energy to move it.

I heard chuckling as Edward pushed the pillow to the side and stared down at me. I opened my eyes half-way because it was too much work to open them all the way and a slow, contentment-like-I've-never-known-before smile slowly spread across my face.

"Was it good?" he asked, giving me a smirk that told me he _knew_ he was good.

My honeyed smile stayed sweet and liquid-y on my lips as I slowly nodded and let out a long, low hum.

"I can't believe you didn't let me see your face," he said with a cute, smiley-pout as his fingers started sneaking up underneath my shirt. "I won't let that happen when you come on my cock."

My lazy eye condition healed itself immediately. I'd been so much into myself and my own enjoyment that I'd totally forgotten about Triple N's poor, neglected brat.

"Oh," I said, trying to sit up a little, but it took a lot of effort because I felt like my bones had just been pureed in a blender.

He helped me up and sat opposite me on his knees. He just sat there, giving me the sexiest grin and looking up to no good.

"What?" I asked.

"Rip my clothes off."

I smiled. "You can't seem to let that go, can you?"

"No, I can't. I've been obsessively thinking about it since the moment you said it."

"I've noticed," I said, still smiling and looking him up and down. God, he looked so unbelievably gorgeous sitting there on his knees with that sex grin on his edible lips looking like he just couldn't wait for me to shred his clothes. I did a quick visual inventory; he was wearing a simple, dark blue V-neck T and jeans. I really wanted to make this good for him since he'd just made it really good for me between my legs, so I decided to actually rip his shirt. I figured since he'd just revealed his untold riches to me that he could afford a new one.

I gave him my sexiest smile. "Edward, you're so hot it just makes me want to rip your clothes off," I said in a breathy voice, licking my lips seductively.

"I'm yours," he said, smiling back at me and laying his hands out to the side, palms up. But then his face grew serious; his eyes took on a darker hue and those two words just _did _something to me. It made me feel possessive and primal. He _was_ mine, and I was about to claim him as my own.

With my eyes locked on his, I stood up on my knees and grabbed the neckline of his shirt in my fists and yanked. And yanked again… I yanked even harder, but nothing happened. Frowning, I looked down at his stupid shirt and yanked and pulled and twisted and just when I thought I was about to make a tear in that damn made-of-Teflon shirt, my hand slipped and my balled-up fist socked Edward right in the eyeball.

"Fuck," he shouted, bending over and grabbing his poor punched eye.

"Oh my god," I said, touching his hands and trying to see the damage I'd done. "Are you okay? I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to-"

He dropped one hand but kept the other hand over the injured eye. His uninjured eye stared at me incredulously. "I'm not okay. You just jacked me in the eye. I didn't mean for you to _literally_ tear my shirt off. I meant for you to just rip it over my head."

"Oh, god, I'm so sorry. You need to give me explicit instructions next time because I got confused and I wanted to make it good for you because you made me feel so amazing and…" Yeah, I was on the verge of tears.

"Bella, calm down, I'm okay," he said, dropping his hand from his injured eye but keeping it all scrunched-up while he pulled me into his arms. His eye was red and had a welt underneath it that was already starting to swell. Triple N was going to have a shiner. I'd just given my almost-a-fiancé a big, fat black eye right before consummating our love.

I felt absolutely terrible for what I'd done, so I slipped my arms around his neck and brought his face down to mine. I softly kissed his hurting eye over and over, whispering how sorry I was and how much I loved him. I kissed all over his beautiful face; I kissed his bushy, usually ornery and waggling eyebrows, I kissed his too-long-for-a-man eyelashes, I kissed his strong chin which tasted like me and I found to be kind of gross and yet kind of a turn-on all at the same time. And I spent way too much time on that illegal jaw of his. I loved and kissed every dip and divot of his perfect, gorgeous face.

Edward kept his eyes closed the whole time and just groaned and hummed softly liked he loved every second of what I was doing. I loved the little sounds he made. While I was kissing away, his hands stayed busy, exploring up and down every inch of my back and ass. I got chills when he did this one particular thing where he would slide his hand slowly and purposefully down my spine before his fingertips would dust lightly over my dimples. He also spent a lot of time on my ass; he would fondle, fondle, fondle and then just out of nowhere squeeze the crap out of my ass cheek, causing me to squeak a little. He'd just smile and offer a mumbled, "Sorry, I can't help it," and then proceed to do it again.

After I'd kissed and caressed every inch of his face, I turned my attention to his lips. No other man on earth had more perfect lips than he did. I outlined them with the tips of my fingers before I leaned in and nibbled on them lightly. I sucked his upper lip into my mouth, running the tip of my tongue over it before doing the same with his lower lip. He crushed me to him and kissed me so hard that I thought for a moment he was trying to kiss the crazy from me. He pulled slightly back, and I gasped for air. "I'm going to rip my own clothes off if that's okay," he said, breathing heavily.

"Hurry," I said, mashing my hands together in front of me to keep them away from him. The corner of his mouth lifted slightly before he quickly tugged his shirt over his head. His hair stood up all over, and I had to bite back a giggle because he looked like a crazed sex fiend. But I liked it because he was _my_ crazed sex fiend.

He looked so sexy on his knees opposite me in just his jeans. I should have felt embarrassed since I was sitting opposite him in just my shirt and my bare hoo-hah, but it didn't bother me. I didn't get to ogle him too long because he went to work on my shirt and bra and had them off in about two seconds flat.

I reached down, grabbed Lucy and Ethel and squashed them together, trying to create a little temporary cleavage. "Well, like I told you before, they're small but soft," I said with a hollow laugh, really despising my tiny tits and trying to make a lame joke. I looked up, and the way he looked at me… it knocked the breath right out of my body.

"You're perfect," he said, pulling me into his arms and crushing me to him. Our naked skin touched and it felt like my skin had an electric current humming through it. Or a generator plugged into my ass. "_They're_ perfect," he said before reaching up to touch them. He cupped them gently, rubbing his thumbs over the tips and causing them to harden and goose bumps to dance across my skin. "Mmm… and so soft… I love your body, Bella. I love every single fucking inch of it."

My heart did funny skittering beats in my chest. "Your body… _whew_… it's not so bad either," I said, reaching my hands out to touch his perfectly sculpted chest and abs. When his mouth latched onto my nipple, my fingers threaded into his hair, and I leaned my head back, heaving in gusts of air.

His mouth left my nipple, and his lips found mine again, our tongues softly wrestling. His hands moved between us to his jeans, and my heart stopped. I feared that I might need a defibrillator and hoped that his mother had one in that palace somewhere. With his mouth still attached to mine, he deftly undid them and slipped them off. I pulled away from his mouth and gasped loudly when I looked down. I'd already seen the brat at a distance, but seeing it up close and personal was a whole different story.

Edward smirked and cocked an eyebrow at me. "Well? I know you want to say something so go ahead."

I wanted to tell him that Behemoth Bratwurst was a terrible name for that thing. I should have named it Kong, as in King Kong, but I didn't think this was the appropriate moment to reveal that information.

"It's huge, Edward, like I don't know how that thing fits into your jeans. It should have been poking out of the top of them by at least a couple of inches."

He chuckled and pulled a condom out of his jeans. "Once again, oddly enough you make me feel like a god," he said, smiling as he rolled it on. I wanted to ask if he had those condoms custom made because surely you couldn't buy them over-the-counter but refrained from doing so.

"That's because you _are_ a god."

"And you are my goddess."

Reaching for me, he guided my legs over his lap. My breathing got a little wacky when I felt the brat down below in the _cargo bay_. Cradling my face in his hands, he whispered, "You're so beautiful," before kissing me. We kissed and kissed and I could just feel him _right there,_ so close, but not where I wanted. I moaned a little desperately.

"What's wrong?" he whispered against my mouth before biting gently on my lower lip.

"I… I want you, Edward… I want you so much…"

He hummed against my lips, smiling. "I want you too," he whispered. "Put me inside you."

I couldn't get my hand down there fast enough. I got all grabby hands as I latched onto his heavy length and guided him to me. Then I slowly moved, taking him inside.

"Oh, shit, shit, shit," I groaned as I took him all the way in.

"Fuck… you feel so good," he moaned, placing his hands on my hips and moving me slowly up and down his shaft. "Your pussy is so hot and wet."

"Oh, god, Edward, you make it wet…" I panted.

He brought my mouth to his and kissed me hard. "I like making you wet. We fit perfectly…"

"Barely…" I said, breathing hard and hanging onto his shoulders.

Wrapping his arms around me, he smiled before his mouth covered mine again. I loved how he kept our bodies so close together, and the way his large hands moved over my small curves. His warm mouth latched onto my nipple again, and he started thrusting upwards sharply, making sexy grunts and hitting a spot _where no man had gone before. _I couldn't breathe and started seeing stars and planets and the _Starship Enterprise _and that damn Klingon head again.

"I want to feel you, Bella. Come on my cock," he whispered, reaching his hand between us, his thumb entering the clit zone.

With him nailing my G-spot with his brat, his little grunting noises, and that thumb action, I didn't stand a chance. Within seconds, I shouted, "Oh, god, _Edward…_" and crashed onto a desolate planet, my starship exploding into a zillion pieces.

"Fuck, I can feel you. You're so beautiful coming," he said, breathing heavily and thrusting harder and faster, prolonging and multiplying my orgasm by ten-fold. I kind of collapsed against him, feeling like I'd just shape-shifted into some kind of ectoplasm.

"I'm not finished with you yet," he mumbled, laying me back on that satiny comforter and pressing my knees to my shoulders. "I haven't fucked you into paradise yet."

Ectoplasm cannot speak so I stayed silent.

He looked down where we were joined and pulled himself out slowly until his brat was almost all the way out and then slowly slid it back in. He hummed and grinned. "I love your pussy, Bella. I'm never going to get enough of it…"

Just watching him watching us was about to make me come again. But then his expression changed. His face grew serious, and his mouth gaped. He continued to pull out slowly, but his thrusts became harsher, almost slamming into me. He pounded into that G-spot that I never knew I had.

"Does that feel good?" he grunted. "Do you like the way my cock feels?"

I could not form words; all I could form was slobber.

He picked up the tempo, pounding into me with all he had. I'd already had two orgasms and number three was seconds away. He shifted his angle just a bit, and I shoved my fist into my mouth and started gnawing on it as an orgasm shooting off the Richter scale shot through me. "Fuck, _Bella…_" he bellowed before exploding, his fingers digging sharply into my thighs as his thrusts became wild and erratic.

He collapsed on top of me, and I realized I didn't even get to see his cum face because I had my eyes all scrunched when I was trying to survive that tsunami or earthquake or whatever it was that just massacred the area. "Damn, that was incredible," he said, looking down at me and chuckling while trying to catch his breath. "I knew we'd be good together."

"Oh my god, oh my god," I mumbled through my heaving breathing before giggling a little. "_Oh my god_, Edward. That was… it was… I don't even know. I guess this is paradise, huh?"

"Oh, no," he said, his eyes twinkling. "We haven't made it there yet. It'll be another couple of hours… or maybe even longer…"

"Oh. I like that."

He gave me a quick kiss on the lips before pulling out. "I need to go take care of this," he said, waving towards the condom.

I nodded and smiled as I watched him get up from the bed. He stopped about half-way and turned to me. "Do you want me to let Diablo back in here?" he asked.

"Sure," I said, leaning up on my elbows. The instant I did that I heard an unbelievably loud fart echo throughout the bedroom. It wasn't a delicate, womanly little wheezer of a fart. It was a wet-sounding, you-just-shit-your-shorts flutter blaster. My eyes bulged, and my mouth dropped to the floor.

Someone's toothless one had spoken.

There was no way it could have been Diablo because he was still locked in the bathroom, and I knew Edward didn't do it because the sound seemed to come from… _me_ somehow.

"What…? What was that?" I asked in a terrified voice, looking around. I sat up a little more and gasped when I heard another loud blast rip from my lower regions.

Edward snatched the condom off, threw it on the floor and raced back to the bed. Completely and utterly mortified to the point of death, I covered my face and wished for a quick cremation.

"Bella, Bella," Edward said, trying to peel my fingers from my face. I started rocking and moaning and praying that Scotty would hurry and beam me up.

"Bella… Bella, baby, it was just a pussy fart."

I froze… then slowly peeped at him through my fingers. "A what?" I whispered.

"A pussy fart. It's nothing to be embarrassed about. Bella, please look at me," he begged, running his fingers through my hair.

I lowered my hands just enough so that my eyes were exposed but kept the rest of my face covered.

"It's my fault, baby, don't be embarrassed. It's the way I was doing it. You know how I was pulling all the way out and sliding back in? Air got into your pussy, and when you started to sit up, the air needed to release so…"

I could not believe my ears. I had seen and done a lot of things in my young life, but I had never, _ever_ heard of a pussy fart. My brows scrunched. _"What?"_

"Yeah, it was just a pussy fart. It's no big deal. I've heard them so many times that I guess I'm just kind of used to them because I-" he said before he froze, his face turning ghostly white.

I dropped my hands. "What?"

"I didn't mean that the way it sounded, I-"

"Oh, so you didn't mean it when you said, 'I've heard a lot of pussy farts before'?"

"I just meant that I've _heard_ that sound… before_…_"

"Oh my god," I mumbled. I felt nauseous. All I could think about was him making that slutty realtor's pussy fart.

"Bella, please-"

"I can't do this," I said, scrambling off the bed and running towards the bathroom. But Edward was fast and grabbed my arm before I could get to it.

"Bella, let's just stop and talk this through. This conversation has gotten way out of control and-"

"Let go," I said, my voice cracking slightly.

"Please, Bella, don't do this," he said, letting me go. The tone in his voice almost broke me, but I swallowed hard and raced to the bathroom, quickly closing and locking the door behind me.

I dropped to my knees and picked up Diablo, cradling his warm little body to me and just letting him kiss me all over. I sagged against the back of the door and couldn't stop the tears. I just had all of these emotions slamming into me from all sides, and I felt like I was cracking. I felt this jumbled-up mixture of humiliation, rage, jealousy, anger, more humiliation and a dozen other feelings I couldn't quite name.

I sniffled and let Diablo lick my tears away as I tried to figure out how in the world I was going to go back out there and face Edward. I felt mortified to the point that I almost never wanted to see him again. Maybe he was used to hearing pussies make that awful noise, but mine had never done that, _ever_, and I just wanted to erase this whole night from my life… But then I started crying again because he'd kind of asked me to marry him earlier, and damn it, my life sucked right now.

I finally got up off the floor and cleaned up the little mess Diablo had made earlier. I splashed some water on my face and neck before I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my naked self. Closing my eyes, I took in several deep breaths, and with Diablo tucked under my arm, I opened the door. Edward had slipped his jeans on and was sitting on the end of the bed with his elbows on his knees, staring down at his hands. He stood up, and I immediately looked down and focused on trying to find my clothes.

"Bella, god, I'm so sorry, about everything. I can't believe I said that. Let's sit down and talk, okay? Please?"

My heart ached in my chest at the sweet sincerity in his voice, but I ignored him and collected my shorts and underwear. My eyes darted around, looking for the rest of my clothes. Not seeing them anywhere, I finally had to set Diablo down on the floor and climb onto that giant bed and dig around in all those stupid pillows for my shirt and bra.

I climbed back down with all of my clothing gathered and quickly grabbed my bag. I went to pick Diablo up, but he was scratching on Edward's leg, begging for his attention. My eyes filled with tears as I watched Edward lean down and scoop him up in his arms. I marched off towards the bathroom feeling like an idiot for wanting to cry over something as ridiculous as that, but I knew that wasn't why I was crying.

I left Diablo with Edward and got myself dressed. I had to blow my nose a couple of times and was pissed at myself for letting my face get so red and splotchy-looking; I looked terrible. I went to reach for the door handle and just stared at it. Edward wanted to talk, and I knew he was going to harass me about it as soon as I opened the door. Of course, talking was probably the smart and logical thing for us to do, but my brain didn't do smart and logical. I didn't _feel_ like talking right now. I just wanted to go home, curl up somewhere and die.

I sniffled again before finally opening the door and found Edward was fully dressed. He bent down and set Diablo on the floor, and he came running over to me. I leaned down and picked him up, holding him close to my heart.

Edward took a few steps towards me. "Can we talk now?" he asked softly.

"I know we need to, and we will, but… can you just take me home now?"

Edward frowned as he studied my face intently. "Why won't you talk to me, Bella? I love you so much, and I'm so sorry. I can't stand having this mess between us right now, I-"

My stupid eyes started leaking again. "_Please_… just take me home."

He looked so torn, but he finally nodded. He took my bag from me, and I followed him out the door. He didn't take the elevator; he took the long way, so it took us a while to get to the front of the house. I waited and watched as he armed the security system. When we got out to his car, he opened the passenger side door for me. I sat down and was expecting him to close it, but instead, he dropped to his knees. "Bella, you're killing me, baby. I can't stand this; I feel like I'm dying here. I'm begging you tell me what to do to fix this. I swear I'll do anything."

Of course, his sweet, desperate plea tugged on my heart strings and my heart strings were connected to my tear ducts, so the tears immediately started falling. "I don't know, Edward," I said as Diablo jumped up and started trying to lick the tears streaking down my face. I pushed him down into my lap and used my shirt to wipe my face. "I don't know what's wrong with me; I just have so many things going on in my head right now and I'm just… I'm a mess. I think I just need to go home and think for a while."

Edward reached up and wiped some of my tears away. "I can't stand seeing you cry like this. You're tearing my fucking heart out, Bella."

"I'm sorry," I said, sobbing a little.

He grabbed my hand. "You have to forgive me, baby. I'm only giving you a few more hours to get your head straight and then we're going to get this all fixed, all right?"

I nodded through my tears, and he kissed my hand before he got up off his knees and closed the door. I quickly wiped my eyes with my shirt and tried to get myself under control before he got into the car, but I didn't have much time since it took him about three seconds.

I had no idea what time it was, and I have to say I was surprised to see that it was after four in the morning. Maybe fatigue was contributing to my unusual mood.

Diablo climbed up my chest and snuggled his cold little nose against my neck. It made my eyes water some more because I knew he was trying to comfort me and could sense that something was wrong. Thankfully, Edward stayed silent, which was what I needed, but I could feel him staring at me almost the entire time. He finally spoke when he pulled up in front of my house. "What are you going to do about Emmett and Rose?"

I took in a deep breath. "I'll just let them sleep it off and deal with them later."

Edward picked up my hand and kissed my knuckles. "Bella, my bewitching Bella, please forgive me. I love you, quite desperately I'm now realizing, and I want to remind you that you did promise to M me. I don't take that lightly, and I absolutely won't allow you to renege on that promise because I need you. I have to have you, so don't stay mad at me for too long, okay?"

I cried… again… of course… because he was beautiful and said beautiful things that my squishy heart longed to hear.

He made me stay put while he grabbed my bag and walked around to open the door for me. He held his hand out, and I quickly wiped my face on my soaked shirt before I placed my hand in his. He helped me out of the car and pulled me into his arms, hugging me and Diablo close to him. "I'll see you in a few hours," he whispered before kissing me on the temple. He walked me to the door and had a sad, yearning look on his face before he left to walk over to his house.

I took in a deep breath and stepped inside the door not knowing what to expect. Emmett and Rose had both been drunk when they commandeered my kitchen as their love shack, so I honestly expected the rest of the house to be trashed as well. But thankfully, my living room looked to be untouched.

I didn't go anywhere near the kitchen; I just trudged up the stairs with Diablo under my arm and closed the baby gate. I crawled into the shower and tried to relax, letting the hot water beat rhythmic patterns into my skin. I dried off and pulled on some comfy jammies before climbing into bed. Diablo gave me several kisses on my cheek before he snuggled into my armpit under the covers. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep; I still had a lot of things to think about.

I frowned when my phone beeped with a text. Sighing, I got up and dug it out of my bag.

_**Have you forgiven me yet? –E**_

I smiled a little as I quickly typed a response.

_**No, now go away. –B**_

_**I can't. You have cast your spell upon me, Bewitching Bella. –E**_

_**I don't feel bewitching right now. –B **_

It took him a little longer to respond.

_**You are bewitching, Bella, you are so beautifully bewitching to me. Please know that. –E **_

_**I know. I'm tired. I'm going to sleep now. –B**_

_**Okay. We'll talk soon… Luv u. –E **_

_**K –B**_

Silencing my phone, I tossed it to the side and set my alarm. I only had a couple of hours to sleep before I had to get up, but my eyes were suddenly sagging. I shut the light off, and I swear it felt as if a couple of seconds later, the alarm went off.

"The fuck…?" I groaned as I stared with one eye at the alarm clock, my face all crunched-up. I couldn't believe those few hours went by that quickly. I had to have been sucked into a worm hole or something.

I staggered to the staircase and started to open the baby gate when I remembered that I still had unwelcome guests downstairs. I looked down at Diablo, and my stomach growled. Where the hell was I going to eat? My stomach growled again and the longer I stood there, the angrier I got.

I snatched Diablo up and marched down those stairs. I didn't care if they were both buck-ass naked, fucking each other into next week, I was going to march myself in there and kick their sorry asses out and claim back my property.

I was about mid-way down the hallway when I heard a knock on the door. Diablo went loco, and I had to scramble to keep him from leaping from my arms. My heart started pounding as I turned and stared at the door for a moment. Swallowing hard, I started walking towards it. I knew it was Edward, and I knew he would want to talk, and I wasn't ready to talk, and I still needed time to think, and I should have stayed up longer and pondered our problems, but instead I'd slept, and…

Sighing, I opened the door.

My eyes widened and my mouth gaped. When my eyes got back to their normal size, they just consumed the sight before me. The sight of Triple N standing there in all his godly, glorious wonder wearing another Gucci-like suit with a giant spray of flowers in one hand and a box of something edible in the other. "Good morning, beautiful," he said, flashing a sexy smirk and winking at me with his now very black eye.

I melted a little and had to lean against the door jam. "Hi," I said, smiling shyly.

Diablo calmed the second he saw Edward and was now trying to sniff out what was hidden inside that box Edward held in his hand.

"I come bearing gifts," he announced proudly, holding them up.

My mouth twisted at the corner. "Hmm… that's dangerous."

He cocked his head to the side. "How so?"

"Well, if I remember correctly, the last time you came 'bearing gifts' I gained five pounds, got a huge zit, and you got bit by a squirrel."

"Ah, but those are some of my fondest memories."

I melted some more and leaned heavier into the door jam.

"Thank you," I whispered, my eyes getting a little misty.

He took a step towards me. "For what?" he whispered back.

"For making me feel… better."

"I plan on making you feel more than better, Bella, way more."

I blinked my misty eyes and nodded.

"So… does this mean I'm forgiven?" he asked, a hopeful look in his eyes and the corner of his mouth lifting a little.

"Maybe… but before we get to that, I need you to do something for me."

"Anything…" he breathed. The look in his eyes and the seriousness in his voice made my pulse race.

I pushed away from the door jam and cleared my throat. "I need you to help me kick those idiots out of my kitchen."

A slow, devilish smile spread across Triple N's face. "It would be my pleasure."

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><p><strong>AN: ;)**


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: So sorry for the delay. I've been sick and such, but now I'm back and here we are. ;)**

**Here's a summary of the last few chapters to refresh your memories:**

_**Rose announces that she and Emmett are engaged after knowing each other for two days. Bella goes ballistic. Edward asks Bella out on a date, but it gets disrupted by Jasper needing a babysitter. Tanya, who is married to Jasper, drops the kids off at Bella's and Edward recognizes her. He saw her leaving his parent's house. Edward stays to babysit and they have a hot kiss/dry hump with SpongeBob Band-Aids on their faces. Bella tells Rose she'll support her only to find out that Em and Rose had a huge fight. Apparently, Em told Rose she had to get inked by him and Rose told him his job was embarrassing. Rose goes to Bella's house and gets drunk. Edward brings home a drunken Emmett who starts yelling for Rose. Bella lets him in and Emmett and Rose commandeer Bella's kitchen and start doing the nasty. Edward tells Bella to pack a bag. She refuses to go to his house because she saw him fuck Leah there so he takes her to his parent's house. They say the L word and M and B words then have sex. Bella pussy farts and is completely humiliated and Edward opens his mouth and inserts foot. Bella over-reacts and insists he take her home. They 'sort of' make up but Bella now needs Edward's help to kick Rose and Emmett out of her kitchen.**_

**Love always to my crew: Lfcpam, JayNahNah, and betsmecullen.**

**SM owns Twilight.**

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><p><em><strong>MY DEVIL<strong>_

_**CHAPTER 17**_

Edward stepped past me into the house and laid the spray of flowers down on the coffee table. "So what's our plan of attack?" he asked as he turned towards me and opened the box he had brought with him. He held it up, a sheepish smirk on his scrumptious lips.

I peeped inside and moaned a little. It looked like he had chosen one of every variety of donut available. "Thank you," I breathed, picking out a chocolate glazed concoction covered in chocolate sprinkles. Diablo decided he wanted to share with me and tried his best to sneak in a bite, so I had to walk over to my office and shut the little mongrel inside.

I took a bite as I walked back towards Edward. _"Holy shit…"_ I mumbled because that had to be one of the best donuts I'd ever tasted.

"Good, huh…?" Edward asked, smiling. "Those are the best donuts in Seattle, probably in the nation."

I nodded eagerly in agreement and took another bite, and moaned again.

Edward chuckled. He looked down the hallway towards the kitchen then back at me. "How about I go in there first to inspect the damage while you finish your donut, and then we can decide how to proceed from there?"

I nodded in response, smiling at his suddenly professional demeanor – guess the designer suit brought that out in him.

He took off and got about half-way down the hallway when I remembered something. I swallowed the bite I was working on and called out, "Sure you don't want my sunglasses?"

He turned, grinning from ear-to-ear. "No, I'm good. I'm never going to recover from seeing Emmett's ass in action, but revenge _is_ on the horizon," he said, rubbing his hands together and waggling his eyebrows.

I laughed and took another bite while I watched him disappear into the kitchen. I had no idea what he would find in there, but I did pity him because I knew whatever it was, it was going to be ugly. It was quiet for a few seconds before I heard a loud snort, followed by another loud snort then ending in riotous laughter. Just hearing Edward's laughter made me giggle a little. I couldn't for the life of me figure out what he could possibly find so funny in there, but I found Edward to be funny so I laughed.

A few seconds later, he came staggering out of the kitchen, laughing like a crazed man. As soon as I laid eyes on him, a loud, spontaneous giggle-snort popped out of me, and I almost spit out a chunk of my donut. I quickly set the remaining donut down on the coffee table and when I turned back around, I barked out a loud cackle when I saw Edward leaning up against the wall, trying to catch his breath.

"What? What is it?" I asked excitedly, smiling and giggling at his 'man down' position.

Pushing off the wall, he wiped his eyes and looked down at me. He held his composure for about two seconds before immediately busting out laughing again. I laughed and chortled right alongside him, enjoying all of the contagious noises he made. His laughter caused a warm sensation to spread from my scalp to the tips of my toes. He wiped his eyes again and when he looked down at me, I felt a little breathless looking up at his stunningly beautiful face and his watery, emerald eyes shimmering with mirth. And him in that perfect Gucci suit.

"You're going to love this," he said, pulling his phone out of his breast pocket and chuckling as he handed it to me. "Take pictures, lots and lots of pictures."

I reached my hand out and took it from him. "So I don't need my sunglasses?" I asked.

"No, it's PG," Edward said, snickering as he grabbed my hand. "Come on, I'm dying for you to see this."

He tugged me down the hallway and into the kitchen. I stepped inside and immediately froze in my tracks. My kitchen looked like a war zone. Chairs were overturned, the table was cock-eyed, my canisters on my counters were over-turned with flour spilled everywhere and Rose's underwear hung from the light over the table.

I looked down and there lay Emmett sprawled face-down in the middle of the floor in a dead-man's float. Thank god he had his Jockey's on but there was one little problem with them: they were on backwards.

Rose wore Emmett's shirt, but it was her position that was the kicker. She was lying between Emmett's spread legs, using his ass as a pillow, her face snuggled sweetly in his ass crack. My wide eyes flew to Edward's and the second they collided, we simultaneously busted out laughing hysterically. I laughed until I was doubled over in pain and could not breathe.

"Beans," I wheezed between pained breaths. "If only he'd eaten beans."

Edward laughed uproariously until he was bent over with me, mirroring my stomach hold. "Fuck, I'm dying," he moaned at one point, which made me laugh even harder. I don't know how long we stood there laughing our asses off, but it took some time for us to put ourselves back together again.

I giggled and snorted and kept wiping my eyes, but finally got myself under control enough to take some pictures. I kept cracking up the entire time though, blurring the majority of the shots, but I did manage to get a few good ones. I set Edward's phone down, and we just stood there for a moment, staring at their stupid passed-out asses, occasionally chuckling and continuing to wipe our eyes.

"How do you want to wake the sleeping beauties?" Edward finally asked.

"I don't know. You don't happen to have a bugle or a boat horn do you?"

Edward barked out a laugh. "No, but…" He paused, pursing his lips for a moment as he stared at me. "Wait a sec. I've got an idea."

I felt a shiver of excitement run through me when I saw his eyes take on an evil hue. "What?"

"Our revenge is in the bag," he said, smiling. He grabbed my hand and kissed my knuckles. "I'll be right back, beautiful."

Sighing, I watched his tall frame in that sex suit walk down the hallway and out my front door. While he was gone, I grabbed Diablo out of my office and let him outside. I had just stepped back into the kitchen when Edward appeared, hiding something behind his back.

"Bella, I have a confession to make…" he said in a serious voice, trying to keep his face straight, but the mischievous twinkle in his eyes gave him away.

"Okay…" I said exuberantly with a huge smile plastered on my face that I couldn't make go away.

With a dramatic flair, his arm came from behind his back, revealing a trumpet of all things. He started to talk again, but my giddy excitement kind of stole the show. I cheered, and I think I even clapped a little.

"Sweetheart, please control yourself," he said, touching me lightly on the shoulder.

"Okay, but it's really hard for me right now," I replied, taking in a couple of deep breaths, and still grinning like an idiot.

He looked down at the trumpet. "Bella, for years my mother made me take trumpet lessons. I despised playing the trumpet. She even made me do recitals–"

"Recitals?" I asked, perking up. "Are there videos?"

"No."

"You lie."

"Yes. Now let me finish my speech."

I kept smiling. "Okay. Sorry."

"I am just at this moment understanding the wisdom that my mother possessed. She must have known this day would come, that at some point in my life, I would _need_ to be able to play the trumpet."

"Go Mom!" I shouted fist pumping the air. "Edward, I love your mother, and I've never even met her."

Edward grinned widely before he put his mouth on the end of the trumpet, getting it ready. "Got any requests?" he asked.

"What kind of music did you play?"

"Jazz, I was in the jazz band."

"Hot."

"Yes, I am," he said with a smirk and a wink.

I snickered. His quick wit and overly abundant confidence just added to his super hotness. "Well, I don't know any jazz songs so just play the loudest, most up-tempo one you can remember."

"Hmm… Okay, I've got one. Get the camera ready."

I picked up his phone, clicked on the video and aimed it at our victims. I looked over at Edward and smiled before giving him the 'go ahead' nod. He winked and lifted the trumpet. I turned back towards Rose and Emmett just as Edward began belting a deafeningly loud tune. I actually jerked all over at the sound, it was that loud.

I saw Emmett's face pop up first. It was kind of half-crunched up, his eyes all wild and feral-looking and I swear for a moment he looked like a wild boar. _"The fuck?"_ he shouted his face contorting in pure agony.

My eyes darted to Rose, and I busted out laughing when I saw the outline of the flap on Emmett's underwear creased on her shocked face. My eyes darted back to Emmett, and I frowned for a split second when I noticed two dark brown spots on his cheek. I didn't remember Emmett having moles – really large, disgusting brown moles, but then my eyes widened when I realized what I was seeing... Emmett had two pieces of Diablo's dog food stuck to the side of his face.

By the time I figured out the dog food thing – which only took a few seconds – Edward had already stopped playing, and I could hear him howling with laughter from beside me. That's when I lost my shit. I am not joking; I lost all control of myself and my bodily functions. I somehow managed to get Edward's phone onto the center island without dropping it, but that was about all I was capable of. I laughed and whooped and staggered out of the kitchen and down the hallway, keeping my legs squeezed together to keep myself from peeing my pants. I stumbled into the bathroom, gasping for air and could not for the life of me get the picture of Emmett's pained, dog-food-covered wild boar face out of my head no matter what I did.

I flipped the fan on in the bathroom to try to drown out Edward's laughter because hearing him cackling like a loon out in the hallway just kept adding fuel to my raging inferno. Wheezing and gasping for air, I grabbed the hand towel and wet it, trying to cool down my heated face all the while still snorting and chortling uncontrollably.

I heard some loud yelling from the hallway. "Bella?" Edward called out, knocking on the door. "Hurry, let me in."

I tossed the towel in the sink and quickly opened the door. Edward snuck in, locking it behind him. I snickered a little before I was finally able to ask, "What's wrong?"

Edward snickered in response. "Emmett's pissed."

"He's not going to go Hulk, is he?"

"No, he's too hung over. He wants to kick my ass, but he's incapacitated at the moment."

"He better not lay a finger on you or I'll, I'll…" I had no idea what I would do but no one was going to touch my Edward. "I don't have a clue what I'll do because the Hulkster scares me, but I'll come up with something."

"You'd protect me from my big bully of a brother?" Edward asked with a grin, pulling me into his arms. His cheeks were rosy, and I could see the faint tracks of tears on his cheeks from his laughter.

"Yes, I'd protect you. You're mine."

The corners of his mouth tipped upwards as he made a happy humming sound. "Mmm…I am yours. I like being yours."

I just held him tight, enjoying the feel of holding him and being in his arms. After a few moments, he pressed his forehead against mine. "I have to go to work, but I don't want to."

Closing my eyes, I smiled. "Me too, and I don't want you to go."

He pulled back and cupped my cheek in his hand. "I'm so glad you're smiling again. You really had me worried."

"I know, I'm sorry, I-"

His fingers touched my lips, and he shook his head. "Not now, beautiful…we have a lot of things to talk about, and I have a lot of things I want to say, but it's going to have to wait because…" he flipped his wrist over and looked at his watch, "_fuck_, I'm late."

He stared into my eyes. "What are you doing this evening?" he asked quickly.

"Nothing…"

"Good. I'm taking you to dinner. Wear that sexy dress you wore before. You looked so fucking hot in it," he said, his mouth getting closer to mine.

"Okay…" I breathed, staring at his bitable lips.

"I'll pick you up at eight. I love you, beautiful," he said before pressing his lips quickly against mine and exiting the bathroom.

I took my time and washed my face again before moseying into the kitchen. Emmett and Rose were still in there, but they were dressed this time. Emmett was sitting in one of my chairs with a glass of water on the table in front of him. His face lay flat on the table with a dishtowel over the top of his head. Rose was cleaning flour off of my countertops.

This was going to be an interesting conversation.

I pulled out a chair. I stared at it for a long moment, looking to see if there was any nasty on it. I finally gave up and sat.

Rose turned to face me. "Bella, I'm so sorry…" she said before scrunching up her eyes and grabbing at her temples. "Oh, fuck, that hurt."

I will admit that I did get some enjoyment from seeing her in pain. I just stared at her and did not respond.

She stood there rubbing her temples for a few minutes before she finally stepped over to the table and gingerly sat down across from me.

Emmett pulled the dishtowel back a bit to reveal his closed eyes. "I'm sorry, too," he whispered before cringing. _"Fuck…"_ he moaned in a low voice before lowering the dishtowel.

"You know how drunk I was last night," Rose whispered slowly, like every syllable hurt. "Had I been sober, this wouldn't have happened."

I stared at Rose for a moment and then at Emmett. My eyes finally rested back on Rose. "You know what?" I said, setting the volume on my voice to extra-extra-loud. "I don't care if you two were held up at gunpoint at a liquor store last night and forced to drink every last bottle they had, what you two did was wrong."

Rose immediately covered her ears and scrunched her face up in pain. Emmett's hands flew to his dishtowel-covered ears as he let out a muffled groan.

"Please," Rose whispered. "Can you please whisper your tongue lashing?"

"No, I cannot," I continued in my extra-loud voice. "You can't just barge into someone's house and start fucking in their kitchen. Who does that? You're paying for maid service. I'm going to have to have someone bleach this entire kitchen."

"Yes, yes, I'll do anything," Rose whispered in a desperate voice.

"I'm going to go take a shower," I said. "Lock up after yourselves."

By the time I was done with my shower, they were gone. The first thing on my agenda was to call a maid service. I made sure to arrange a same day appointment.

My day ended up going by really slowly because I couldn't get my brain to turn off. Edward wanted to talk about what happened last night. I honestly never, ever wanted to re-visit the events of last night, ever again. Well, I wouldn't mind re-visiting everything that happened up until that horrible moment repeatedly, but that awful moment? I could feel my face heat just thinking about it. I wanted to pretend that _it_ never happened, and that I did not over-react to Edward's statement like an insanely jealous bitch.

I looked at the clock and groaned. Edward would be here in two hours to pick me up for our date, our official first date. For some reason, the steps that a 'normal' couple usually takes in a courtship just didn't work for us. Instead, we seemed to do everything backwards, upside down and squashed sideways. I blamed it on the fact that I was far from 'normal' – I couldn't seem to do anything right. I just hoped that even though we had gotten the steps all mixed up, hopefully we would still find our way somehow.

I took another shower and spent a lot of time on my hair and make-up. Adjusting my necklace, I looked at my reflection one last time. My silky black wrap-around dress with the plunging neckline left nothing to the imagination. No wonder my pervy Triple N liked it so much.

With a sigh, I made my way downstairs. I had just given Diablo a quick kiss and tucked him away when I heard a knock on the door. I opened it and my heart fluttered its wings in my chest. There he stood with one hand behind his back, his hair all gorgeously fucked-up and wearing a different suit this time – a charcoal gray. A small smile danced on his lips. The man never ceased to shock me with his handsomeness. I couldn't believe he was actually mine – how did I get so lucky?

His beautiful eyes lazily trailed up and over every curve of my body, causing me to shiver and my nipples to harden. "You're absolutely fucking gorgeous," he said in a satiny voice. I loved the way his lusty eyes lingered inappropriately on my cleavage. His tongue snaked out to lick his lips, and I swear he looked like he wanted to devour every inch of me.

"Thank you," I breathed. "So are you… fucking gorgeous I mean."

His lips turned upward into a satisfied smile. "I brought you something," he said. I frowned slightly when he produced something furry from behind his back. I reached for it and immediately started giggling.

"No, you didn't," I said, looking up at him and grinning like a fool.

"I sure did," he said looking proud as a peacock. "Look at the tag."

I looked back down at the stuffed squirrel in my hands that had a SpongeBob Band-Aid on its cheek and a collar around its neck. I lifted the pink heart-shaped dog tag attached to it and read, "_Pearl the Squirrel."_

"Oh my god, Edward, I love it," I gushed. I lunged at him and wrapped my arms around his neck and started attacking his edible lips. He groaned and immediately started kissing me back, his hands sliding up and down my back. I kept my lips glued to his until I had to pull back for a quick breath.

"Wait, beautiful…" he said, chuckling a little as he pushed me back just a hair. He was grinning and his lips looked a little swelled. "I know you want to shred my clothes and have your way with my brat, but turn the tag over first."

I lowered my arms from around his neck and flipped the tag. It was blue on the reverse side and read _Herman Earl the Vermin Squirrel_. I busted out laughing. "On my god, it's perfect," I said with a giggle. "How do you know me so well?" How could he know that I would prefer something like this over a million dollar piece of jewelry any day of the week?

He smirked and gave me a sly wink. "I know what makes you tick, beautiful."

I sighed happily and just stared up at his beautiful face.

Smiling, he stared back down at me for a moment, studying me. He cocked his head slightly to the side and said, "What?"

I took in a deep breath. "I don't know how, but you definitely get me. And since you're a patent attorney, you know that I own the patent on weird and wacky… lock, stock and barrel."

He laughed and rubbed his thumb against my cheek. "It's going to be my life's work to make sure you keep that patent, beautiful. I don't want you to ever change. I love you exactly the way you are."

I sighed again and kept smiling up at him like a lovesick pup.

"What are you thinking right now?" he whispered.

The sighs kept coming. My sigh this time was all dreamy and disgusting. "I'm thinking about how beautiful and perfect you are…"

"I am perfect, aren't I?" he said, the grin on his face just oozing confidence. "But don't forget I'm also filthy rich and very well-endowed."

I hauled off and smacked him on the arm. _"Ouch,"_ he said his eyes widening as he rubbed his arm. "I thought we already had a discussion about you abusing me."

"You needed to be knocked down a notch."

He grabbed my hand, tugging me roughly into his arms. Burying his nose in my hair, he breathed in deeply. "The next time you smack me, my bewitching Bella, I'm going to spank you on your sweet little ass."

Yes, I almost smacked him again.

He pressed his lips gently to mine. "Do you like Italian?"

"Love it."

"Good. Let's go."

I carefully set Pearl aka Herman Earl down on my coffee table next to the big spray of flowers and smiled again at how adorable it was. Keeping his arm wrapped around me, he led me out to his Porsche. He opened the door like a total gentleman and helped me into the passenger seat.

On the way to the restaurant, his hand stayed on my upper thigh, his thumb rubbing softly over the silky fabric. It drove me crazy. Our conversation was casual and he told me how he knew the 75-year-old owner and that I was going to love the place. Before long we pulled up to a small hole-in-the-wall spot called _Bella Italia_. I laughed loudly when I saw the name. "Really?"

He just smiled and told me to stay put. It was so sexy of him taking charge. It didn't even matter that it was something as insignificant as opening a car door, it was still sexy as hell. He smiled down at me as he held out his hand to help me out, and when I placed my small hand in his large one, it made me feel so special, so cherished.

The tiny restaurant was packed, but we were immediately ushered past the crowd to a small table for two in the back. A few minutes later, the elderly owner came out with a bottle of wine. He poured our drinks and told us stories in broken English of how he fell in love with his wife the first time he ever laid eyes on her in Italy when he was only 16-years-old and how they'd been married for 55 years. I just sat there, smiling and soaking up every word of his beautiful stories. Every time I glanced at Edward, he was watching me with the softest look in his eyes.

I sighed as the sweet gray-haired gentleman kissed my knuckles and bid me a farewell. I continued to watch him as he slowly made his way over to another table to talk to some other patrons. "You've been replaced," I said dreamily to Edward as I took a sip of my wine. "I'm totally in L with that adorable little man."

Edward grinned. "Yeah, he's good people. I knew you'd like him."

I looked around the tiny restaurant with black and white pictures of Italy on the walls, red and white checkered tablecloths and candles lit on each table. It had such a cozy appeal to it. "I love this place," I said. "I don't even care what the food tastes like."

"Just wait. The food is even better."

After we placed our orders, Edward leaned back in his chair. "So did you have any problems getting rid of your kitchen guests this morning?" he asked.

"No, I gave them a loud ass chewing and told them they were paying for maid service."

He chuckled. "So are they on again? I told Emmett he was making a huge mistake not being truthful with Rose."

I frowned. "Truthful about what?"

"Emmett's been withholding some very important information from her."

"What information?"

"Well, Emmett isn't just a tattoo artist."

Several side jobs flashed through my mind: drug dealer, mob boss, hit man. "What do you mean?"

"Emmett has his MBA from Wharton."

My mouth fell open so wide that my jaw almost unhinged. "What the…? Emmett, the Hulkster?"

"Yep."

I leaned closer. "No fucking way."

"It's true," Edward said, taking in a deep breath. "Emmett's a huge pain in my ass, but he is the way he is because of my father. The daddy issues in our family runs deep. When Emmett was born, my dad decided that Emmett was going to follow in his footsteps and become a surgeon just like him no matter what. He didn't give Emmett a choice and pushed him to the breaking point. Emmett was smart and could have been a surgeon if he wanted to, but all he wanted to do was focus on his art, which dad refused to let him do. So he rebelled. He made excellent grades because he didn't even have to try, but he got into constant trouble. Then came the tattooing and the piercing and that hideous truck… he did everything he could do to embarrass my father.

"My dad made good money as a surgeon, but it wasn't enough. Remember how I told you my mom comes from money?" I nodded. "Well, when we were in high school, we found out that he'd been skimming money from my mother's accounts. He had a gambling problem and lost millions of my mother's money. Mom forgave him and said it was 'their' money and that he needed treatment for his addiction, but Emmett and I weren't so forgiving. So Emmett decided to go Wharton so he could protect mom's money. He could have gotten any job on Wall Street if he wanted to, but instead he does what he loves. He owns the tattoo shop, and in his spare time he manages my mom's money, his own trust fund, as well as mine. And he makes sure that my dad can't touch a dime of mom's money. Oh, and he's made me an ass load of money, I might add."

I just sat there for a minute trying to let everything soak in. "So he lied about going to WWE School?"

"Oh, no, he went to Wharton first _then_ WWE School."

I chuckled and shook my head. "So why hasn't he told Rose about this?"

"Emmett hates being treated differently because of his money. He wanted Rose to love him as a lowly tattoo artist, not a smart guy with letters after his name and a multi-million dollar trust fund."

"Wow, I can't believe I misjudged him so terribly."

"Oh, no, you nailed him right on the head. He's an idiot and an annoying asshole. He's just a smart asshole with a giant bank account."

"Rose is going to shit a brick. They are so perfect for each other. He's a numbers guy and she's an accountant." I shook my head and laughed. "No wonder he is so obsessed with her. She's going to kick his ass when she finds out."

"I know."

"So that day you said you saw Tanya with your dad…"

"Yeah, I don't know what was going on but it didn't look good."

"She works at a hospital although I don't know what she does." I rattled off the hospital name and it just so happened to be the same hospital that Edward's dad worked at.

"So what are your daddy issues?" I asked. "You seem so opposite of Emmett."

"Yeah, Emmett took the brunt of it. Around the time we found out about the money thing, dad got hit with a malpractice suit. My original plan was to go to law school to become a malpractice attorney even though I knew it would be a conflict of interest and that I could never represent someone against my father, but that's all I wanted to do. The suit was eventually dropped, so I changed my plans."

"Wow."

"Yeah..."

I took a bite of my mushroom ravioli. We were quiet for a few minutes while we ate. I cleared my throat. "Edward, I want to M you and have lots of B's with you, but I want to somehow skip the whole 'meet the parents' thing, okay? Even though your mother sounds quite lovely, I can do without in-laws."

Edward barked out a laugh. "Oh, no, beautiful, I called my mom today, and she wants us to come over for dinner next week."

I could feel the panic swelling in me. "What? Seriously?"

"_No,"_ Edward said with a laugh.

I blew out a heavy breath. "You jerk, you totally had me going. You're going to pay for that one."

"I'm ready for my punishment," he said, cocking an eyebrow at me. "I'll take it anywhere from the waist down."

"You are a sick man."

"That I am," he said with a chuckle before he took another drink of his wine. "So, I told you about my daddy issues, I want to hear about your mommy issues."

I told him everything. How Renee was never there for us, about suspecting my brother was fathered by another man, to the divorce and never hearing from her again. I also told him about my dad's battle with cancer and eventual passing.

"Yeah, the last time I saw my mom was six years ago so you definitely won't be 'meeting the parents' any time soon," I said with a laugh.

Edward didn't smile. He reached out and gently took my hand in his. "Bella, I'm so sorry that she wasn't there for you. You needed a mother, and she failed you."

I tried to shrug it off but I could feel my eyes starting to tear up. "I'm over it. It happened a long time ago."

He rubbed his thumb in soothing circles on my hand. "You know your sense of humor is one of the things that I love about you most, but I think you hide behind it sometimes. You use it as a shield to protect yourself from getting hurt again."

I stared at my plate and didn't say anything.

"Bella, I want to talk about what happened last night…"

"No, _please_ don't make me do this. Can we just pretend it didn't happen and move on?"

"No, we can't. I'm so sorry for what I said. If I could take those words back, I would."

"I know. I'm sorry I over-reacted. I don't even understand myself. I don't know if it's because I 'watched' or what, but I get _so_ mad when I think about the 'six'. I mean, I get insanely jealous – like crazy, psycho axe murderer jealous – and no matter how much I tell myself not to, I still want to rip their eyeballs out and fry them in a vat of hot oil for just looking at you."

The corner of his mouth turned up. "God, I love it when you get possessive and go cavewoman on me."

"You're not helping."

"I know."

"Stop encouraging my terrible behavior."

"I know, I know, I'm sorry," he said with a chuckle. "I think your jealousy stems from your insecurity in yourself. All I can say is that I'm yours now and forever and you're never going to have a reason to be jealous again, okay?"

I nodded.

"Now as far as the other part goes…"

My face lit up like the back end of a NASA Space Shuttle. "Don't go there, _please…_"

"Yes, we're going there. Now don't think for a second you're going to start some 'I've been traumatized' bullshit and try pushing me away because I won't allow it. When I drop you off on your doorstep tonight, I'm going to politely invite myself in, strip you of that gorgeous dress you're wearing and impolitely fuck you until you go cross-eyed."

Well, pussy farts be damned, I knew I should have worn underwear.

I squirmed in my seat feeling his words brush between my legs and rub heatedly against my clit. I started breathing heavily as some kind of moan or groan slipped from my lips. Edward just smirked at me seemingly pleased with my visceral reaction. I think my upper lip even started to perspire.

"So are we good on everything now?" he asked. "All is forgiven? Is there anything else we need to talk about?"

I shook my head and wiped at my sweaty lip.

He paid for the bill and we left. I frowned when I saw Edward driving in the opposite direction of home. "Where are we going?"

"Dancing."

"What?" I almost shrieked. "I don't dance."

"You're dancing tonight."

I knew Edward could dance because I'd seen him grinding all over Rose that night at _Eclipse_. I tried everything I could to get him to go somewhere other than to a club, but he was dead-set on the stupid fucking dancing.

"Just stand and look beautiful," he said, smiling. "I'll do the rest."

Once inside the club, we downed a couple of drinks before he dragged me to the center of the dance floor. I just stood there as he instructed, not moving and feeling like a total idiot. He had taken off his suit jacket and removed his tie and had the top two buttons of his white shirt undone. He was sexy as fuck with his little coppery hairs on his chest poking out.

There was a glimmer in his eyes as he brought my body against his and started moving to the beat of the music. Bit by bit, the liquor started to kick in and helped me relax and before I knew it, I was moving a little with him. "God, you're so fucking sexy," he breathed against my ear. I could feel his hands ghosting up and down my spine and over my ass. I should have been embarrassed that he was coping feels in front of everyone right in the middle of the dance floor, but I honestly didn't care.

"When we get home, I'm going to rip off your underwear and lick your sweet pussy, my bewitching Bella," he said, his tongue and teeth nibbling on my earlobe.

I felt swoony and light-headed as my heart clamored in my chest. I brought his head down to mine and put my lips next to his ear. "I'm not wearing underwear."

You should have seen his face.

He immediately grabbed my hand and yanked me from the dance floor. Finding a dark corner, he roughly pushed me up against the wall. I could feel his hand moving slowly up the contour of my thigh underneath my dress.

My chest heaved up and down like a fireplace bellow. "What are you doing?" I demanded.

"I need to touch you."

"Not here!" I hissed. "Somebody will see us!"

"Nobody cares, besides my body is blocking the view."

_Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god._

"Cameras, there have to be cameras," I panted. "It's going to be on U-tube."

"Hush those beautiful lips and enjoy this," he growled. I had never done anything like this in my life. I felt like my heart was going to explode from my chest into a million pieces. We both groaned when his hand moved over the curve of my bare ass.

"Spread your legs," he said in a low voice, his eyes all dark with want. Holy fuck, I did exactly as he commanded. With his eyes locked on mine, a great gust of air burst from my lungs when I felt his fingers run through my wetness.

He closed his eyes and groaned, pressing his hard brat against me. "You're so fucking wet," he said in a raspy voice. "You can't get enough of my dirty mouth, can you, beautiful?"

I didn't get a chance to answer because he immediately removed his fingers from underneath my dress and rubbed them across my lips. "I want to be able to taste you-"

"_Bella…? Bella, is that you?"_ I heard a voice shout.

Edward turned his head sharply but kept me hidden behind his body. My eyes closed and I banged my head against the wall. Finally, I arched my neck around Edward and my pussy-painted lips gasped in disbelief when I saw Jared, my ex, standing a few feet away from us.

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><p><strong>AN: Hehe. Think Mr. Cocky will get jealous? ;) I foresee around 3 chapters left. Don't forget to drop me a line; I love hearing from you! ;)**


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: Hello again. ;)**

**So much love to my pre-readers: ****Lfcpam, JayNahNah, and betsmecullen. They are so awesome for putting up with my annoying ass. ;))**

**SM owns Twilight.**

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><p><em><strong>MY DEVIL<strong>_

_**CHAPTER 18**_

Closing my eyes, I prayed desperately for either the rapture or an alien abduction to get me the hell out of this situation. An anal probe from a little gray dude was sounding pretty good at the moment. I could not believe the one time I let my guard down and got a little kinky in public my ass got caught right in the act, by my stupid ex of all people. I was the world's unluckiest wannabe pervert.

"What the fuck?" Edward growled. I frowned as I stared up into his stormy eyes and angry scowl. I couldn't tell what had him the angriest: that he'd gotten interrupted playing with my pussy or that it was my ex who had interrupted us.

"It's Jared," I whispered.

Edward's eyes tightened slightly at the corners, and his scowl deepened. He looked seriously fucking hot all angry and pissed-off. He stared at me for a moment longer before he finally pushed off the wall. Grabbing my hand in his, he possessively entwined our fingers together before turning towards Jared.

My lips were still wet with my arousal and I could smell it. And of course, my stupid cheeks turned bright red like they were trying to rat out my ornery actions. I hoped like hell that Jared hadn't seen anything, but one look at his face told me he knew exactly what I'd been doing and knew precisely what was on my lips. His brazen eyes scanned up and down my body, giving me the heebie-jeebies. They lingered on our clasped hands for a moment before he finally made eye contact. To say they were filled with hostility would be an understatement.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"I _was_ out having a good time… Who's this?" he asked, his eyes shooting lethal daggers at Edward.

"This is my fiancé," I announced without hesitation. Sure, we'd only had sex once, he hadn't officially proposed yet and I didn't have a ring, but none of that mattered. My heart was bound to Triple N for eternity.

I looked up at Edward and his eyes softened. He gave me a little wink as he squeezed my hand.

"Your fiancé?" Jared repeated, his lip snarling like a pit bull. "Your _fiancé_?" he belted, his voice raising an octave. "I knew it! I knew you were cheating on me. You denied it, but I knew that was the reason why you broke up with me."

"No, I didn't-"

"Wait a minute, Bella?" Edward interrupted, tugging me behind him. I frowned as I took a step back and stared up at him, his tall frame seeming to grow even taller and more rigid like he was preparing for battle. "Is this that little pencil dick you told me about, the one who could never get you off? The one who's dick is the size of a BIC Lighter?"

My mouth dropped open and my eyes widened so much that my eyeballs started to burn.

"What the fuck?" Jared shouted, trying and failing to get all up in Edward's face. "What the fuck did you just say to me?"

Edward took a step forward and pressed his chest hard against Jared's. He towered over him by at least 4 or 5 inches. "She dropped your selfish ass because not only did you not know how to treat a lady, but you didn't even know how to give the woman an orgasm, you dumbass. Now get the fuck out of here before I send you home in a body bag."

"Kiss my ass," Jared snarled, but he backed off. He leveled an angry glare at me. "And you're still a lying, cheating bitch."

Edward quickly turned his head and stared down at me, his eyes wickedly angry. "Body bag, Bella, body bag," he chanted, begging my permission with his eyes. I could clearly see his intent: he wanted to beat the holy shit out of Jared. I had to control my urge to jump on his leg and start humping it.

"No, I got this," I said to Edward before turning to Jared. "I never cheated on you, you loathsome turd, but I should have. You were a selfish fucking pig and everything was always about you and your tiny little penis and you never took my needs into account, ever. And Edward was right, you were horrible in bed. You were the absolute worst lay in the history of lays."

"Whatever…" Jared said, rolling his eyes. He looked at Edward. "You can have her," he spit hatefully before turning and stomping off.

"My pleasure, you fucking prick," Edward said in a calm voice.

He immediately pulled me into his arms. "Are you okay?" he asked, pushing my hair behind my ear his brow scrunched with worry.

"Yeah, I'm good…"

"Let's get you out of here." He wrapped his arm around my waist and led me out of the club. I kept my eyes peeled, hoping that Jared wouldn't make a sudden appearance. When we got outside, Edward kept his arms wrapped around me as we stood and waited on the valet to bring his car around.

"That guy is a total asshole, Bella. Don't let what he said get in your head because you are so much better than him. He never deserved you."

I took in a deep breath. "Yeah, I know. I just can't believe I wasted two years of my life with him."

"All that matters is now. You're mine and I'm yours."

I nodded and stared at his shirt for a moment. "You were there in the bedroom when I broke up with him. How come you never brought it up?"

"Because I shouldn't have been there – that was a private moment between the two of you, and I tried to respect that."

"Thank you," I breathed, loving him a little more. Reaching my hands up, I pulled his face down to mine and pressed my lips gently against his soft, warm mouth.

He groaned. "Mmm, I can taste your pussy," he whispered, "finally."

I smiled. "Do I taste good?"

"So fucking good…" he whispered in response, sucking softly on my lips like he couldn't get enough. God, it felt amazing. Of course, his car showed up a few seconds later and interrupted our dirty lip lock. He quickly helped me inside and grabbed my hand in his placing it in his lap.

I stared out the window for a moment before I took in a deep breath. "Well, that was one heck of a first date, huh?" I said. "At least I'm not boring."

"You're far from boring, beautiful, and that was by far my best first date ever."

"Really?" I asked, smiling all girly. "The best? I love being your best."

"And I love everything about you," he said with a wink.

I sighed and squeezed his hand. "I can't believe he interrupted us. That was the single hottest moment of my life."

"I've got plenty more where that came from," he said, wiggling his eyebrows and causing me to laugh. "You just wait and see."

He drove quietly, the silence in the car soothing and comfortable. I started re-playing the conversations in the club in my head and before I knew it, I busted out laughing.

"What?" Edward asked, looking at me.

I giggled again, a little harder this time.

"What?" he asked again smiling.

"Did you really compare Jared's dick to a BIC Lighter?" I managed to say before busting out laughing again.

Edward grinned proudly. "I sure did. I was right on the money, wasn't I?"

"Yeah," I said, giggling some more.

"It wasn't hard to come to that conclusion."

"I'm going to have to call him BIC dick from now on."

Edward smiled and squeezed my hand. "Don't forget tiny."

"Oh, right, _tiny _BIC dick. Did you also say you were going to put him in a body bag?" I asked with a snicker.

He gave me a sly look. "Yes. I considered 'sending him home with a limp' or 'sending him home in pieces' but body bag seemed to fit well."

I let out a cackle. Edward turned his head sharply towards me. "What's so funny?"

"I don't know. Hearing you threaten somebody like that is just hilarious to me for some reason."

"You don't think I could have backed up those words and kicked that dickhead's ass?"

"In that suit?" I asked with a snort.

His eyes narrowed. "You think I'm some kind of pansy?"

"No, you're just too pretty to be a fighter."

"I'll have you know that I have my black belt in Tae Kwon Do."

My mouth flopped open and I couldn't get it to close. "What?"

"I wasn't born with this crooked nose. You do remember my brother, right? The one you affectionately refer to as 'the Hulkster'?"

I kind of frowned and nodded and stared at him like a dingbat.

"I had to do something to defend myself against that idiot. A black belt did the trick."

I sat up straighter and turned in my seat. I almost unbuckled and straddled him. "Why didn't you tell me that?"

"You wanted me to stop and tell you that I have a black belt?"

"Yes, you could have whispered it or something. Then I would have withheld my verbal bashing and let you have at it with the body bag thing."

Edward barked out a laugh. "Your 'verbal bashing'…? Didn't you call him and I quote, 'a loathsome turd'?"

"Damn it, I did, didn't I? Well, that wasn't my finest work, I will admit, but a loathsome turd is pretty disgusting."

Edward smiled and shook his head. I tugged his hand into my lap and stared at his long, beautiful fingers, running mine gently over his. "Hey, let's turn around and see if he's still there. I want to see you put some Kung Fu moves on him."

He snorted. "Uh, I don't think so."

I sighed heavily as I stared down at his hand in my lap. I picked it up and kissed it gently. "So this beautiful puppy is also a lethal weapon?"

He balled his hand into a fist before spreading out his long fingers, and of course my fingers molested his fingers. "Yes, my hands are multi-talented, but they're best at producing eye-crossing orgasms," he said with a grin as he pulled into my driveway.

"Oh yes, they are," I agreed quickly getting a little heated remembering exactly how talented those deadly digits were. Edward continued to smile as he turned off the ignition. But then his smile faded and he just sat there, staring at my house.

I frowned as I stared at his profile. His behavior seemed a little strange, but I quickly dismissed it because I had something I needed to do. "Don't move," I said. Edward's head swiveled towards mine, and he gave me a puzzled look. I unbuckled my seatbelt and leaned across the console. Reaching my hand up around his neck, I gently brought his head down to mine. I slowly ran my fingertip over the slope of his crooked nose. "So you broke this doing Karate? That is so hot. Tell me what happened."

Edward closed his eyes and smiled. "Not Karate, Tae Kwon Do."

I hummed and nodded even though he couldn't see me and acted like I knew the difference between the two.

"I was 14. It happened at a tournament. I was going to get it fixed but when I went back to school the next day, everyone thought I was a badass. And the girls went crazy so I kept it."

"Ah, so it became a badge of honor, huh? It is really sexy," I said, placing several soft kisses on it. "I wish I had known you back then. I would have been crazy out of my mind for you, stalking you in the hallways, writing 'Bella Cullen' in my notebook a billion times along with a list of all of our kid's names and our dog's names."

His lips found mine, warm and wet as his fingers tangled in my hair. We kissed like we were fourteen-year-olds transported back in time making part of my wish come true. Humming, he pulled back slightly, placing sweet, soft kisses on my lips. He stared at me with a small smile, rubbing my cheek gently with his thumb.

He kissed me one more time before he finally opened his car door. I closed my eyes and lay my head back against the headrest for a moment. I couldn't wait to get inside the house because it was time to strip my BIC-dick-calling, beautiful-ninja-handed man naked. We walked up to the doorstep and I dug my key out of my bag and opened the front door.

I slipped my shoes off and stretched my aching toes, breathing a sigh of relief to get those stupid heels off. I gave Edward a quick kiss before I mumbled, "I need to go let Diablo out."

I stopped by the restroom before finally making my way into the kitchen. I gave the devilish, squirmy fur ball a ton of kisses before I let him outside. My heart started to pound as I walked back down the hallway towards the living room. I knew what I was walking towards: some heart-stopping orgasms from those beautiful digits, and I could hardly wait.

He stood with his back to me and had removed his suit jacket. I sucked my lip between my teeth as my eyes greedily consumed his tall frame and tight ass in those perfectly-tailored slacks. Trying to gain some courage, I took in a deep breath and quickly blew it out before I loosened the knot on my wraparound dress, letting it fall open to expose my bare body underneath save for my bra. I quickly reached up and undid the front clasp on it, exposing my breasts.

"What you did in the club for me tonight? No one's ever stood up for me like that before. It was hot. You make me so fucking hot, Edward." I put my hand on my hip underneath my dress and thrust it out a little hoping I looked like a sexy seductress.

Edward turned around slowly, his eyes darkening as they followed my naked curves. I could feel my face heating under his intense scrutiny. The look on his face was scorching hot, but my brows furrowed a little when I noticed some anger mixed in there.

I walked towards him until we stood just a few feet apart. "What's wrong?" I asked.

He didn't answer. Instead, he brought one finger up and ran it softly across my collarbone, slowly down between my breasts, across the flat of my stomach all the way down to my clit. I gasped loudly as goose bumps spread and danced all across my skin and my nipples hardened to stiff peaks.

His dark eyes found mine. "What was it like, Bella, when that prick touched you?"

My heart started beating wildly and practically pounded out of my chest.

"I felt nothing. It was nothing compared to your touch, Edward, nothing."

He just stood there, his eyes moving slowly down my body and hot damn I could feel the jealous, possessive waves rolling off of him. I hated being the only one in our relationship with a jealousy problem that I couldn't seem to control. I desperately wanted Edward to feel just a smidgeon of what I felt; and now that the moment had arrived? I wanted him to unleash his green-eyed beast and let it stomp all over my living room and hopefully break some furniture.

I took in a deep breath and tried to get my heart to stop pounding so hard. "What are you thinking right now?" I asked my breathing increasing as I reached up and started unbuttoning his shirt.

He swallowed hard and I could see his Adam's apple bob up and down. "Now that I've seen that prick's face, I keep picturing the two of you, together. The thought of his hands on you, touching what is mine… It's pissing me the fuck off."

Holy shit, I wanted to pull out my pom-poms and do some cartwheels and maybe throw in a couple of back flips. But before I could even blink, Edward had me turned around and shoved roughly up against the back of the door. His mouth descended on mine, punishing in its ferocity. I moaned as he sucked on my bottom lip, biting it roughly. His mouth moved down my neck, kissing and licking and nipping until he found my nipple. "Holy fuck, Edward," I groaned, running my hands through his hair as he sucked hard, rolling my nipple with his tongue. He switched to my other breast, biting and sucking and lavishing it with his mouth.

He pulled away, his hands slipping inside my dress. He grasped my bare ass in his palms, squeezing hard and making me gasp loudly. I could feel his hard brat pressing against my stomach. "Where did he fuck you, huh? Did his tiny BIC dick ever fuck you up against this door?" he growled, his hair sticking up every which way and his eyes a little wild-looking. He was sex personified, and he was mine.

My heart beat erratically in my chest. "Never…" I panted, shaking my head.

"Where did he fuck you?"

"Only in the bedroom, only on the bed," I said between heavy breaths.

Edward slammed his mouth against mine, roughly kissing me until I couldn't breathe. He took my bottom lip in his mouth and sucked on it painfully. "Holy shit," I moaned, panting like I'd run a marathon when he finally released my mouth.

"Did he ever fuck you against this door?"

"No, never…" I felt turned on like I'd never been turned on before yet I still had the desire to dance a jig and shit some rainbows. It was an odd mix.

"Of course he didn't. That bastard didn't even know what he had. I'm going to erase every memory of that prick from your body and your mind."

I gasped, my eyes widening because that was some hot shit right there.

He dropped to his knees and ran his fingers up the backs of my thighs. "He never tasted your pussy, did he? My mouth is the only mouth that's ever been here, that ever will be here," he said, his fingertip touching my clit and causing me to jump almost half a foot in the air. "My tongue is the only tongue that's ever licked you. I'm the only one that has ever made you come."

"Yes, yes, yes…" I shouted sounding like a broken record.

Edward lifted my leg and placed it on his shoulder before he buried his face between my thighs. "Oh god, oh god, oh god," I chanted as my eyes rolled into the back of my head. With my eyes closed, my head lolled from side to side. I gasped when I felt him slip a long finger deep inside of me.

"Your pussy is so hot and so fucking wet. Do I do that to you, Bella? Am I the only one that makes your pussy drip?"

The more he talked, the wetter I got. "Fuck, yes," I moaned.

"He could never even get you wet, could he?"

"Never…" My fingers clutched at the door, trying to grab onto something but there was nothing to latch onto so they just kind of flailed around. I finally crammed them into my hair and started tugging.

"Does that feel good, Bella? Do you like my fingers fucking your sweet pussy?" he asked as he slid two fingers in and out of me.

"God, yes…"

I looked down at Edward's face between my legs just as he sucked my clit into his mouth. My senses overloaded. "Oh, god, Edward… _Edward.._." I kept groaning his name over and over. With him finger fucking me and his tongue action on my clit it took no time before I exploded into a million pieces. My orgasm seemed to go on for an eternity.

Finally, I slumped against the door feeling like my wimpy legs couldn't hold my weight. Through half-closed eyes, I watched Edward stand up. He quickly finished unbuttoning his shirt and dropped his trousers to his ankles. I watched through lazy eyes as he slipped on a condom over his very erect brat.

"You're going to come again, hard, on my cock, beautiful."

"No. Can't. No way. Too sensitive…" I mumbled. I felt like a container of warm honey.

"Oh yes you are." Picking up one of my legs, he draped it over his arm. He lined himself up and shoved his long, thick length inside me.

"Oh god," I moaned.

"He could never fill you like I can. You've never had a cock as big as mine, have you Bella? You never came on that little dick of his, did you?"

"No, your cock is huge, Edward, huge."

"That's right, beautiful. My huge cock is the only cock you're going to come on, ever."

"Yes, oh yes."

His hand slipped between us and he started softly rubbing my clit, his thrusts sure and steady. I was so sensitive from just having an orgasm and didn't think I could come again, back to back. But he kept at it and sure enough, I could feel it starting to build, could feel the stirrings in the pit of my stomach.

"You're getting close, aren't you? You're going to grip my cock hard and come all over it, baby. I need to feel you."

And that pushed me over the edge. "Fuck, Edward," I cried as my pussy started contracting.

Edward's hand disappeared and he lifted me in the air, his thrusts harsh as he pounded me into the back of the door. He got so into it that a picture on the wall fell and crashed to the floor. I let out a little yelp, but he didn't seem to even notice. "Fuck, Bella, I'm going to come," he growled, his thrusts rough and erratic as he rode out his orgasm.

He buried his face in my hair as he tried to get his breathing under control, and my body just collapsed like somebody had just shot me in the ass with a tranquilizer gun. I swear to god I could not move a muscle even if my life depended on it.

"Edward," I said between heavy breaths. "Please get jealous more often, at least once or twice a day."

We did it two more times that night, once slow and sensual on the couch and once wild and hectic in my office on top of my desk. I almost got a stapler up the ass and ended up with a post-it note stuck in my hair. We finally fell asleep in each other's arms on the couch with Diablo and Pearl aka Herman Earl tucked snugly between us. Edward refused to sleep in my bed, which I will admit I thoroughly enjoyed since I still wanted to burn down his house.

The next morning, he sat on the couch and I sat on the edge of the coffee table opposite him as we stared at each other and devoured the leftover donuts from the previous day. We didn't dare sit at my kitchen table even though it had been thoroughly cleaned by the maid service. Diablo sat at our feet quietly begging, looking like a cute little prairie dog. We just kept smiling goofy-like at each other. Edward looked so sexy sitting there with his hair going in a dozen different directions with no shirt or socks and just those designer pants on. He kept my legs between his, and we laughed as he tried to feed me bites.

He looked at his watch and groaned. "I have to go, beautiful."

"No, don't ever leave. I'm getting attached to you, so attached, like that scary kind of attached that I warned you about."

He smiled and put his hand on my knee, rubbing his thumb against my skin. "I'm attached too, beautiful, but I have to be in court this afternoon and then I'm having dinner tonight with the board of directors so I won't be home until late."

"Well, that just sucks."

He laughed as he stood up and started putting his clothes back on. He slipped on his shoes and tugged me into his arms. "I'll make it up to you tonight when I get home, I promise," he said, kissing me softly on the lips.

I watched him as he made his way back to his house. When he got to his door, he turned and smiled, giving me a little wave. I waved back and with a sigh, I closed my door.

I went upstairs and took a shower, and I have to admit I was sore. The man had worn my pussy out. I'd never had sex that many times in one night, ever.

When I finally stepped into my office to start my work day, I had to laugh because my office looked like a tornado had ripped through it. It took me a little while to get everything put back in its place.

My work day flew by. I had a production to hit so I pushed hard. I had about an hour left when I heard a knock on the door. Diablo went flying off my lap and got so worked up that he choked and started snorting and hacking. I grabbed his crazy little butt and peeped out the window and saw some stranger standing there.

Frowning, I locked Diablo in my office and opened the door.

"Isabella Swan?" a delivery-type person asked holding a scanner. I frowned at the delivery truck behind him parked in front of my house.

"Yes?"

"Just sign here, please," he said, pushing the scanner thing towards me.

"Sign for what?"

"Your delivery."

"What delivery?"

He pushed a few buttons on his scanner thingy. "Let's see… a new bedroom suite, a California King mattress set, and new bedding."

"I didn't order any of that stuff."

"Oh. I'm supposed to give you this," he said, pulling a letter from his pocket.

Frowning, I opened it. It was a hand-written letter on _Masen Industries_ letterhead.

_Mrs. Bella Cullen,_

_Hey, beautiful, sorry I got jealous last night, but since you asked me to get jealous at least twice a day, I don't think I need to apologize. _

_Let the delivery person do his job. Remember, I'm in court so you can't throw a fit. And we will be sleeping, together, in that bed tonight._

_I'm finding you to be most attachable…_

_I L you and want to M you,_

_Edward_

_P.S. What do you think of the name Elizabeth Cullen? Oh, and I kind of like Fido._

Okay, so I loved his letter. I wanted to make copies of it and frame them and put them on display in my house and carry the original around in my bra right smack dab next to my heart. But I didn't love the fact that he was throwing his money around; although I did have an awful crick in my neck this morning when I woke up and cringed every time I tried to turn my head to the left.

I looked up at the delivery guy. "Okay… but wait, what do I do with my old stuff?"

"We were instructed to tell you that we could burn it for you or donate it to a shelter. He said putting it in storage was not an option."

I busted out laughing. I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes. "The shelter will be fine."

While the guys started moving stuff, I pulled out my phone and grinned as I typed.

_**I L you and I desperately want to M you and I'm going to F you in my new bed tonight, you beautiful wonderful incredible man -B**_

The bedroom furniture was absolutely gorgeous and much more expensive than my previous set. And the sheets were the softest sheets I'd ever touched in my life. They must have cost him a small fortune.

I sat down to eat a bite for supper and my phone dinged with a text.

_**You made all of my dreams come true in that one sentence, beautiful. I miss you and can hardly wait until tonight -E**_

I sighed and sat there staring at my phone with the biggest, dumbest grin on my face.

After I finished eating, I decided to take Diablo for a walk since it was a beautiful spring evening. When I got back inside the house, my phone rang.

"Hey, half-breed," I said with a smile.

"Hey, Sis, how's it going?"

"Good. How are my babies? I miss them."

"They're growing."

"Well, tell them to stop doing that until I see them again."

"Sure…" he said, his voice sounding 'off' somehow.

The phone stayed silent. I frowned. "Hey, is everything okay?"

I heard him take in a deep breath. "I don't know."

"What do you mean?"

"It's Tanya."

I cringed just hearing that bitch's name. "What is she doing now?"

"I don't know. She's been spending a lot of money. She keeps coming home with shoes and purses and… Bella, the other day I found a bag shoved in the closet. There was a purse in it that had a $5,000 price tag on it. There is no way she could afford that on her salary. You know we keep our money separate, but I double-checked my accounts and nothing on my end has been touched. I'm wondering if she's running up her credit cards or something."

All I could think of was Dr. Gambling Pretentious Prick Cullen. There had to be a connection. It was time to dig out my 'Fly' glasses and go on an undercover operation. Maybe I could finally get that bitch away from my brother once and for all.

I heard a soft knock on the door. I peeped out the window and saw Edward. "Let me do some checking and see what I can find," I told Jazz as I opened the door. From the looks of Edward's damp hair and casual jeans and T, I gathered he must have stopped by his house and took a shower. I smiled when I saw him dump an overnight bag on the floor before leaning down and scooping Diablo up in his arms.

"No, B, I don't want you snooping around," Jazz said.

"But what if she's racked up like $50,000 in credit card debt, huh? You're my brother and I have to protect you so let me do what I need to do."

"No, B, I-"

"Hey, I have to go. I love you, half-breed, and I'll call you soon."

I sighed and tossed my phone on the coffee table. Edward had slipped his flip-flops off and was seated on the couch with a content Diablo in his lap. "What was that about?" he asked.

"Tanya. I think the whore is banging your dad and draining his bank account."

He barked out a laugh. "Thanks for breaking that to me gently."

I sighed and sat down on the coffee table chewing on my lip as I started forming my plan of attack in my head.

"Bella, what's going on in that pretty head of yours?"

"Nothing," I said in an irritated voice.

Edward cocked an eyebrow at me.

"All right, fine, I hate that you can see straight through my crap. Okay, here's my plan. I'm going to dig out my best disguise, follow Tanya's sorry slutty ass and get some pictures of that hobag in the act. And it feels very wrong and sick and twisted telling you this since it involves your father."

Edward took in a deep breath. "Honestly? I'd be shocked if my father hasn't already cheated on my mother. I love my mom, but she's a little different. She's very much a pacifist and very proud. I don't think it would make any difference if she were presented with evidence that my dad was cheating on her because I think she'd just forgive him and say he needs to get into therapy. And like I told you before, my dad is not going anywhere because of her money. So I really don't see it making any difference on my end."

"Well, I get what you're saying but my brother is involved here. If there's any chance in hell that I can free my brother of that skank, I'm going to try."

"Keep in mind that you may not like what you find and it might not turn out the way you want it too."

"I know. But I at least have to try."

Edward studied my face for a moment. "Well, find me a disguise because I'm in."

"You are?" I said excitedly, my lips turning up into a big smile.

Edward nodded. I continued smiling as I climbed up onto the couch and tried to straddle him, but I forgot about Diablo. He growled and tried to take a chunk out of my thigh.

"You little shit," I said as I picked him up and stared at his snarling little face. "Edward is mine and I don't share well so back off, Buster."

Edward chuckled as I sat him down on the couch beside us. I grasped Edward's face in mine, studying it intently. "Hmm, I'm thinking maybe a 70's porn star or… Oh no, I've got it, a woman. Oh yeah, you'd make a really hot plus-size Russian model. You can keep the body hair since that's a European thing."

"Oh, hell, no…" Edward said with a laugh as he dug his fingers into my sides causing me to shriek and almost fall off the couch.

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><p><strong>AN: ;)) **


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: It's me again. Yay! Thanks for sticking with me. ;)))**

**I can't thank my pre-readers enough: Lfcpam, JayNahNah and betsmecullen. They read this chapter twice for me, the poor things. They are amazing and I love them like a lot. ;)))**

* * *

><p><em><strong>MY DEVIL<strong>_

_**CHAPTER 19**_

Yes, I did F Triple N in that new, big glorious bed of ours. He laughed, a lot, when he found his note tucked away in my bra next to my heart. I also gave him a 'fucking spectacular blow job' – those were his exact words – in my bathroom in front of the mirror. I had no idea how hot it could be watching my lips do that to him.

I let Diablo out one last time, and he trailed me up the stairs. I found Edward naked in my bathroom pulling stuff out of his overnight bag and setting it on my vanity. Seeing his toothbrush, toothpaste and aftershave sitting next to my things gave me a severe case of the warm fuzzies.

Getting ready for bed was sweet. I smiled as I picked up my toothbrush, and Edward smiled back as he picked up his toothbrush. We both stood there smiling and laughing with frothy mouths as we brushed our teeth together. I almost choked when a big glop oozed out of his mouth and onto his chin.

When we crawled under those luxurious covers, I moaned at how soft they felt against my skin. Edward pulled me into his arms as I closed my eyes and laid my head against his chest. I squeezed him tight feeling more content than I had ever felt in my entire life.

"God, I love this bed, these sheets and your superhot body. You are a good, good man."

"_Ow, fuck!"_ Edward suddenly shouted out of nowhere, his body jerking all over.

"What?" I shouted back, half scared out of my mind.

"Diablo just stepped on my nuts."

"Oh no, are you okay?" Those nuts could not be injured because I needed those nuts. I had an addiction to those nuts.

"No, I'm not okay."

I quickly flipped on the light next to the bed. Edward cringed as he sat up and held his sack.

"What can I do?"

"You can go put him in his crate."

"What?"

"Bella, he snores."

"I know."

"And he farts."

"Sometimes…"

"No, it's constant and you wouldn't know because you somehow sleep through it all. He kept me up half the night last night. He has serious gastrointestinal issues, Bella. You need to slip some _Beano_ in his dog food."

A snort popped out of me which turned into a loud fit of the giggles. Edward tried to keep his face serious but started chuckling as he rubbed his nuts.

I finally got my laughter in check and took in a heavy breath. I stared at Edward for a long moment before I turned my attention to the little black nose peeking out from beneath the comforter. Sighing, I pushed the covers back and picked up Diablo. "But he'll be lonely all by himself," I whined as I held his tiny body close to mine. His ears were laid back and he had a pitiful 'I'm completely innocent' look on his little face.

"He'll be fine, Bella. I promise you it won't kill him."

I sighed dramatically. "All right, but this is really hard for me because this little devil has slept with me ever since I got him but because I A you, I'm going to go put him in his crate."

Edward cocked his head to the side, a faint smile on his lips. "And what does the A stand for?"

"Adore."

He grinned big. "I like."

"I like _you_ and you better make it worth my while."

"Oh I will, beautiful, I will."

As I made my way downstairs, I whispered to Diablo how sorry I was but that he'd been replaced by a wickedly hot, gorgeous man who made me horny and I begged him to forgive me. I kissed him and tucked him in his crate and gave him a handful of treats to make up for it.

I raced back up the stairs and stepped inside the bedroom. Edward was sprawled out, his cock already standing at attention. I started laughing; I guess his balls weren't _that_ injured. "Happy to see me, huh?"

"Always, beautiful, now come over here and massage my sore nuts."

We fell asleep and woke up tangled in each other's arms. There was nothing more wonderful in the universe than waking up to a drowsy, smiley, sexy-as-fuck Edward sporting some wood and an adorable case of bed head. Diablo did survive the night without me although I did get up twice to check on him. When we finally roused out of bed and I let the little devil out of his crate, I had to laugh at him as he took turns loving all over Edward and me. He showered us with double doses of doggie love.

I fixed pancakes – my first meal cooked in my kitchen since the Hulkster debauchery – and we found ourselves once again back in the living room. I started to sit on the coffee table like last time, but Edward pulled me into his lap instead. I smiled as I stared down at myself clothed in just his T-shirt and my panties with psychedelic-colored lips plastered all over them. Edward looked smoking hot in his expensive black silk boxers. But I did make fun of them earlier and told him he needed to loosen up a little and get some boxers with something exciting on them like Woody Woodpecker's face, or bananas or Koala bears. For some reason he didn't seem to appreciate my comment because he responded by pinching me hard on the ass.

As we ate our breakfast, I found Edward to be quite the messy eater so it became my duty to help him out with his syrupy lips. Good god, I wanted to just devour his delicious Aunt Jemima-coated mouth, or spread that syrup all over his body and work him over good and hard with my tongue. But we both had to work which sucked ass so I had to suppress my syrup-filled longings.

I softly kissed him one more time, making sure he was syrup-free before I took our empty plates into the kitchen. On my way back into the living room, I took in a deep breath feeling a tad bit nervous as I approached him where he still sat on the couch. I quickly cleared my throat and told the butterflies in my stomach to take a hike.

"I have something I need to say," I announced.

Grinning, Edward pulled me in between his legs and started rubbing his hands up the backs of my bare thighs. It was highly distracting. "Go ahead, beautiful, I'm all ears," he said, staring up at me expectantly.

I stared down into his thickly-lashed, mesmerizing sage green eyes and quickly took in a deep breath. "Okay. Here it goes. Since I find myself frightfully attached and scary obsessed with your perfect self and now that I have that new, fabulous bed upstairs and we're moving so quickly through the alphabet – L, M, B, F, A – I decided I want you to move in with me, effective immediately," I said opening my hand and offering him his very own key to my house.

He chuckled as he took it from me. "It took you long enough, beautiful," he said and I screeched when he grabbed my hand and yanked me into his lap, tickling my sides.

"Stop, stop, _stop!_" I yelled through maniacal laughter as he pushed me onto my back on the couch. I could not stand being tickled. To me, that ranked right up there with water boarding.

"What?" he asked innocent-like smiling down at me like a beautiful demon.

"Don't ever tickle me again or I'm kicking you out."

He snorted and tickled me again.

"Wait! I'm serious! I'll kick your hot ass to the curb!" I yelled boisterously as I tried desperately to get away from his torturous fingers.

"Not a chance," he said, laughing. "You can't live without me, beautiful, and the behemoth beast that lives in my pants."

I couldn't help the small moan that escaped from my lips. He just smiled down at me all happy and full of the cocky.

"Okay, there might be some truth to that statement, but listen, I have one more very important thing to say," I said pushing on him. I could not have a serious conversation with him lying on top of me half naked.

He finally let me up from my pinned position on the couch. We both stood and he pulled me into his arms. "I'm listening," he said still all smiley and looking up to no good.

I took in a deep breath. "Now this is very serious."

His smile deepened and he looked even more mischievous. "Go ahead."

I huffed a little. "Okay. I don't know how to play house because I've never lived with anyone before so I have no clue how to do it and you know how crazy I am and I might drive you bonkers so please forgive me in advance. And even though this sounds really wrong, I'm looking forward to our first fight so we can have some really hot make-up sex so feel free to tick me off whenever you feel like it."

Edward threw his head back and laughed, really hard.

"It's not funny."

"It's very funny."

"No, it's not and I'm being serious."

"I know you're serious, you crazy woman, but we're going to have a lot of fun playing house together. And you're going to be perfect at it so stop worrying."

"You think so?"

"I know so."

I smiled and rubbed my hands over his perfect, naked chest.

"But you might have to wait a while on the fight thing, beautiful, because I don't think I could ever be mad at you."

I melted and sighed and smiled and sighed again and looked up at him with nauseating lovey-dovey eyes.

"I was going to wait to tell you this, but I'll just tell you now," he said, rubbing his fingertips softly up and down my back. "I'm going to put my house up for sale. And before you go psychotic on me and start hunting for a weapon, I will, without question, be getting a new realtor. I'll make sure he's old and unattractive."

"But, you just bought that house and your pool's not even done yet and, and-"

"It doesn't matter."

"But you'll lose money, like a lot of money."

"You are way more important to me than money, Bella. I know my house is a sore spot for you and if I could get away with it, I'd burn it down just to make you happy. But since I can't, I'll sell it."

"You'd burn it for me?"

"In a heartbeat."

"I effing L you so much right now."

Edward chuckled and hugged me closer. "I know you do, beautiful, and I want you to put your house up for sale too."

"What?"

"Neither of us can eat in your kitchen and it's not like we can get away from my house since it's sitting next door. We'll look for some property and have my mom design us a house."

"But, we can't put both of our houses up for sale at the same time, they'll never sell. Plus, the market took a dive and this is a terrible time to try to sell a house and-"

"Then we'll put mine up for sale and I'll just buy yours outright."

My mouth gaped. "You can't do that."

"I can do whatever the hell I want."

"But that's too much money."

"Bella, I could buy every house on this block if I wanted to and still have a huge chunk of change left over."

"But… but…"

"Look, I'll make a deal with you," he said, pure mischief gleaming from his eyes.

My eyes narrowed. "What kind of deal?"

"You let me buy your house, and I'll invest in some different boxers."

I busted out laughing. "You're insane… a house for some boxers?"

"You know your kinky little ass is dying to see my hot ass in some," he said, wiggling those thick, bushy eyebrows of his.

I couldn't stop smiling. I sighed and shook my head. "I can't believe I'm doing this."

"I knew that was an offer you couldn't refuse."

Smiling, I studied his face. "They have to be really outlandish."

"Of course," he said, smiling back.

I heaved in a heavy breath. "All right – God forgive me – you have a deal."

Edward was late to work because I 'accidentally' yanked his silky boxers to his ankles.

We ended up moving only the necessities like his clothing and such into my place, and he did indeed come through with the boxers. Every day, he came home with a new pair hidden beneath his clothes. I got the giggles every time I pictured him at work, sneaking into the bathroom to slip on a pair of crazy boxers under those designer suits of his.

The first day he came home wearing a bright red pair that had 'Warning: Contents May Be Hot' printed all over them. He was so proud of them and I laughed until I had tears pouring from my eyes. But my favorite was the ones he wore the following day. They were covered in measuring tapes and had 'Mine is Bigger' and 'Mine is Better' stamped all over them. He stood there in those hilarious boxers and put his hands on his hips, striking a Superman pose and proudly proclaimed, "Take that, BIC dick." I laughed so hard that I got a cramp in my side and had to take some Tylenol.

I tried my best to renege on my end of the deal because it just felt wrong to let him buy my house, but the man had superb persuasive skills and wore me down. I told him he was crazy. He told me he was crazy in L. I did the 'awe' thing and melted and gave in like a wimpy wuss. I was such a pushover when it came to him.

On Friday, I had just finished up my work for the day when someone knocked on the door. I held Diablo in my arms as I peeked out the window. I frowned when I saw Rose standing there. She never showed up at my house unannounced, ever. I quickly locked up Diablo and opened the door.

"What's up?" I asked.

She stuck her nose in the air and stepped around me into the house. The bitch was rude; she was lucky I loved her.

I rolled my eyes as I closed the door and followed her into the living room. I sat down on the couch and frowned as I watched her pace back and forth. She finally stopped pacing and came towards me.

"Look at this," she said sticking her hand in my face. My eyes bulged.

"Holy shit," I mumbled, staring intently at the gigantic ring on her finger. "How many carats is that sucker?"

"It's five carats, Bella, FIVE! Did you hear me?"

"Holy shit," I said again like those were the only two curse words in the English language that I knew. "You need like a security detail with that thing."

"I thought it was cubic zirconia."

I snorted.

"It's not funny."

"Sorry, not funny."

"I yelled at him for buying me a cheap ass ring."

"Uh oh."

"Yeah. He showed me the receipt and I told him he was full of shit and threw the ring and receipt back at him."

"Damn."

"You knew he had a trust fund?"

I nodded, a bit fearful. She was one big, scary bitch.

"You knew he went to Wharton?"

"Yes, but I swear to you that I just found out and I told Edward that you were going to kick Emmett's ass for not telling you."

"Bella, the man knows numbers. He dreams of numbers."

"I know. It's completely insane, isn't it? You two were meant to be, right?"

"Yes, but I'm still fucking pissed at him."

"Well, that's to be expected." I took in a deep breath. "So, are you guys engaged now?" I asked gently unsure of what kind of response I would get.

"Yes."

"Good, that's good, right?"

"I suppose."

"So when's the big day?"

"On my birthday at the end of the month. We're getting married in Vegas. Don't make any plans because Emmett is flying everyone out."

I stared at her for a long moment and watched as her lips slowly curved upwards. She held up her hand and stared at that monstrous rock and threw her head back and laughed.

I let loose a loud cackle. "We're going to Vegas!" I shouted jumping from the couch and pulling her in for a huge hug.

She asked me to call the girls – Alice, Victoria, and Lauren. We already had plans for Rose's birthday so I knew they all had that weekend off. Alice's reaction was sweet and subdued but very supportive of Rose. Lauren and Victoria, on the other hand, made bets on how long they'd last. Lauren went with two weeks and Victoria went with three days, those dumb bitches. But overall, everyone was excited and could hardly wait.

I smiled when I heard the garage door opening. I absolutely loved 'playing house' with Edward and felt like I wanted to don an apron and pearls and pull an apple pie out of the oven whenever he came home. Diablo took off like a bullet towards the kitchen and skidded around the corner, his little feet flying out from underneath him. I laughed as I followed him.

Edward opened the door to the kitchen and chuckled when he got attacked by Diablo. He picked him up and I wrapped my arms around the both of them. "So how was your day, Mr. Hunky Important Pants?" I asked before smothering his warm, delicious-smelling neck with kisses.

He chuckled and squeezed my ass with his one free hand. "Boring as hell without you. How was your day?"

"Good. Rose and Emmett are getting married."

"Yes, I was aware of that."

"No, I mean it's official," I said before quickly re-hashing my conversation with Rose.

He shook his head and chuckled. "Those two are something else."

"I know. Hey, I talked to Jazz today."

"Yeah?"

"Tanya's working tomorrow and get this. Jazz told me that she said she was going to be home late because she needed to do a little 'shopping'. Shopping my ass, that skankyfied, no-good, worthless, thieving-whore ho. I know exactly what she's going to be doing. She's going to be banging your daddy. It's time to take that bitch down."

Edward barked out a laugh.

"Sorry. That slut really gets me worked up."

"I noticed."

I grabbed Edward's hand and started slowly walking backwards. I dragged my eyes up and down his suit-clad gorgeous self. "I need to go upstairs and get all of my gear together for our undercover operation."

He smirked at me with that panty-soaking smirk. "That's all?" he asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"Hmm…no…" I said, my eyes fucking the hell out of him. "I'm going to strip you down and find out what's underneath that suit."

"You can't handle what's under this suit, beautiful."

I took Diablo from him and locked him in my office. I grabbed Edward's hand again and continued walking backwards towards the stairs as I slowly began to unloosen his tie. His lusty eyes were on mine as his fingers fumbled with the buttons and zipper on my shorts. I took two steps backwards up the stairs, trying to look like a hot, sexy vixen. My shorts dropped and I stepped out of them, leaving them on a step as I began unbuttoning the buttons on his shirt. He tugged my panties down and I got my foot caught in them and fell hard, my ass banging on the step with a loud thud.

"You stupid fucking rat bastard stairs," I mumbled as I stood and rubbed my sore ass. I grabbed my underwear that was still hooked on my foot and threw them past Edward's head. He immediately started laughing his brains out.

"Sure, just laugh at my pain," I said in an irritated voice. Ticked, I turned and started marching up the stairs. I only made it about three or four steps before he grabbed me and threw me over his shoulders. I screamed and beat on his back as he continued to laugh and ignore me. When we got to the bedroom, he tossed me on the bed like I weighed nothing. There was a predatory look in his eyes when he grabbed my ankle and pulled me towards him.

"Now finish what you started," he growled, gesturing to his clothes.

I couldn't help but smile at how bossy he was. I stood up on my knees at the end of the bed and continued unbuttoning his shirt. I kissed any and all of his skin as it became exposed. He groaned and tugged off my shirt.

My heart raced when my hands reached for his buckle. With my eyes on his, I undid it and slowly lowered his zipper. His mouth gaped open a little and his breathing increased, his eyes never leaving my face. His pants dropped to the floor and I frowned as I tried to read the small print on them. I bent down and saw a picture of a dachshund on the front. Confused, I squinted and read the words out loud, "Please don't trip over my wiener." I immediately straightened, my eyes darting to his grinning face, and I busted out laughing hysterically.

"Oh my god, those are hilarious," I said through a ton of giggles. "I love them so much."

"I knew you would. Now turn over and let me kiss that sweet, sore little ass of yours."

Triple N fucked me slow and lazy with my arms above my head and our fingers laced together.

We spent the rest of the evening in bed so I didn't get a chance to get my spy gear together. So when I got up the next morning, I dug around in my closet and pulled out my camera with the giant telephoto lens and grabbed my binoculars. Edward was lying on the bed with Diablo beside him watching me.

"Okay, I need to go buy an infrared camera with night vision on it, and we also need to go shopping for some disguises," I said.

"Bella, all I need is a baseball cap and some sunglasses."

"Oh no, we're going full incognito. A baseball cap and sunglasses would not hide your hotness, it would only enhance it."

He just shook his head and chuckled before tugging me towards him for a hot little make-out session. But Fugly the Perv, Edward's affectionate name for Diablo, suddenly appeared. He sat on a pillow watching us intently which freaked us both out so we cut the make-out session short.

We headed to the store and when I saw how expensive infrared cameras were, I nixed that idea fast because Tanya's sorry ass wasn't worth that much money. Edward offered to buy it for me, but I refused so we left and went to the costume store.

"Okay, this one is perfect for you," Edward said holding up a barely-there French Maid costume. "Go try it on."

"No chance in hell."

"Oh come on, beautiful."

"No. Now why won't you give this a try?" I asked, holding up a curly long-haired red wig. "You'd be perfect as a woman and this color would look great with your skin tone."

"I'm going to pretend that you did not say that to me."

"You chicken. Well, I guess we'll just have to go with the 70's porn star. You most certainly have the cock for it."

He grinned. "You would know."

"Wait!" I said excitedly. "Oh my god, you have to try this on." I giggled as I held up a hideous mullet wig.

"No."

"Please, pretty please? I'll make a deal with you."

He took a step closer pinning me against the racks. "What kind of deal?"

My eyes quickly dashed around the store to see if anyone was looking. I pulled his head down so I could whisper in his ear. "I'll suck your brat."

He let out a low groan. "Where? In the changing room?"

"No, of course not," I hissed. "I mean later, at home."

He pressed his lips against my ear. "If you suck my cock in the changing room, beautiful, I'll try on anything and everything in this store."

"No! We can't do that here. What if we get caught?"

"That's part of the thrill."

I stared hard at that stupid mullet wig. I _really_ wanted to see Edward in a mullet.

My eyes met his and I knew he could see the defeat in mine. "Oh my god," I moaned, wishing I'd just kept my stupid mouth shut. Edward grinned and grabbed my hand along with the French Maid costume and dragged me behind him towards the changing rooms. He smiled and cocked an eyebrow at me when he picked up a Darth Vader costume for himself.

"We'd like to try on some things," Edward said to the pimply teenaged kid who was manning the store.

My face felt like it had just spent the last 24 hours under a sun lamp as we stood there waiting for the kid to unlock the dressing rooms. I couldn't look him in the eye because of the guilt I felt. He opened two rooms and when he turned around to walk away, Edward quickly tugged me inside his.

"Put this on," he said in a low voice, handing me the French Maid costume. "No panties."

My eyes widened and I shook my head vigorously.

"Mullet, Bella. Don't forget the mullet," he whispered with a smirk and a wicked look in his eyes.

"Damn it," I mumbled before I turned around and quickly disrobed, slipping on the sexy little get up. The black and white outfit had a plunging neckline and the frilly skirt barely covered my ass. All that was missing was the fish net stockings and hooker heels. I turned back around and had to smother a giggle when I saw Edward standing before me with his jeans unzipped and his already hard cock hanging out.

"My dirty little maid," he whispered, his eyes roaming provocatively over my body. "You're so fucking sexy."

His smoldering look made my heart try to launch itself out of my chest, but I swear my heart pounded even harder when my eyes honed in on that door. I just knew that at any minute that pimply teenager was going to bust in and catch us in the act.

"You can't wait to put me in your mouth, can you, beautiful?" Edward asked in a low voice.

I dragged my eyes away from the door and looked up into Edward's. I tossed him a smirk before I took in a deep breath and sat down on the bench.

"Give it a little kiss," he said tapping his cock against my cheek.

My eyes darted to that damn door again as I grabbed his cock in my hand and kissed the glistening tip. I gave it three or four more kisses along the length of it before I gave it a little lick.

"Oh yeah," Edward whispered with a groan. "Wrap those beautiful lips around me."

With my eyes glued to that stupid door, I took him all the way in, gagging myself a little. Well, it was more than a little because I actually made my eyes water. Triple N had an enormous brat.

"Yes, just like that. Gag on my cock. You love sucking on my cock, don't you?"

I looked up into Edward's eyes and nodded, making sure to suck extra hard. He groaned a low, deep growl in his chest. The dirty little grunts and groans he kept making got me all hot and bothered between my legs. Plus the fact that we were doing something forbidden and could get caught doing the forbidden heightened the experience by tenfold.

"How far can you take me in your mouth?"

I braced myself and took him in as far as I could before I gagged again.

"Fuck that was so hot," he said in a low voice, breathing heavily.

I stared up at the ceiling for a moment, trying to see if I could detect any cameras in the light fixture as I slowly ran my lips up and down his length, softly sucking on the tip and running my lips and tongue all over it.

Every one of my senses was on high alert. My eyes kept darting from the door to the ceiling to Edward's face while my ears strained for incoming footsteps.

"Bella, what's wrong?"

I paused with him still in my mouth and looked up. He was frowning down at me.

I pulled my mouth away from him but kept my hand still wrapped around his cock. "Someone's going to catch us."

"No one is going to catch us."

"But they might…" I said, my eyes flying to that fucking door again.

Edward backed away from me. "Let's just do this later," he said.

"No. I'm just not used to doing stuff like this. I've never done anything like this in my life," I whispered. "It's freaking me out."

"But you were getting hot, weren't you? It was turning you on. I bet your little pussy is dripping wet right now. Stand up."

I stood.

"Spread your legs. I want to feel how wet you are."

I was so fucking wet.

I spread my legs and gasped when Edward ran his fingers along my slit. "Damn, Bella," he said, bringing his fingers to his mouth and sucking my arousal from them. "My dirty little maid loves sucking my cock, doesn't she?"

I told myself that I could do this. I could overcome my fear and try to enjoy the moment. I hummed in agreement and sat back down. I grabbed his cock and shoved him in my mouth. Edward groaned and his eyes rolled back in his head. Like an uncontrollable reflex, though, my eyes darted back to that damn door again. But I pulled my eyes away and looked up into Edward's face and tried to focus on Edward and not on that annoying doorknob that I knew was going to jiggle at any moment. My breath heaved in and out of my lungs as I panted heavily on Edward's cock. I softly cupped his balls in my hand, as he gently grasped the back of my head, thrusting in and out of my mouth.

"You like me fucking that pretty little mouth of yours, don't you?"

I hummed again. He grunted and groaned and let out a couple of mumbled 'fucks' before he came, shooting long, thick spurts down my throat. I quickly swallowed and stood up, smiling at him as he leaned heavily against the wall. But I was mainly smiling because I got through it unscathed. "That was fucking incredible," he said, grinning through his heavy breathing.

A wave of relief washed over me. I was so thankful that we hadn't gotten caught that I wanted to jump on a pole and start doing some dirty and probably very scary pole dancing. I started to strip off the French Maid outfit when Edward stopped me. "What are you doing? It's your turn."

My eyes widened. "Oh, no, the deal was for your pleasure only."

He frowned. "But I want to make you come. Lay down on the bench."

"No, I can't-" I managed to say before someone pounded on the door like they were trying to break it down. My body jerked all over as my mouth simultaneously opened and I screamed like a crazed banshee. There was so much volume to it that I was shocked Edward's hair didn't fly back. I screamed so loud that I actually hurt my throat. It sounded like I had Freddy Krueger himself in that changing room with me, claw and all.

"What are you guys doing in there?" the kid yelled through the door. "There's no messing around in the changing rooms."

I stood there with my eyes bulging and my hand covering my poor beating-out-of-control heart as Edward busted out laughing. I hauled off and smacked him. "I told you we'd get caught," I whispered before I smacked him again.

Edward just stood there howling with laughter.

"I think I'm having a heart attack, you jackass," I whispered through my heavy breathing and for some reason that made Edward laugh even harder.

With a loud huff, I turned around, took that French Maid costume off and put my clothes back on. When I turned back around, Edward was still snickering and wiping tears from his eyes. "If you could have seen your face," he said before busting out laughing like a hyena.

"It's not funny and I am so mad at you right now."

"Ah, come here, beautiful," he said, trying to pull me into his arms. I resisted but he still managed to get his arms around me. "You can't stay mad at me."

"I can and I will. I am so embarrassed and I knew we would get caught and my throat hurts because of that scream and-"

Edward busted out laughing again.

"And you keep laughing at me and it's totally not funny and-"

"Hey, look at me."

I didn't want to. I pouted and stared at his shirt for a long moment before I finally gave in and looked up at him. "I'm sorry I laughed, I really am, but I promise you that you'll be laughing about this later. I effing L you, beautiful, so much and I love that you can make me laugh."

I tried so hard to stay mad at him but I was a wimp and his words were melt-inducing. Therefore, I melted, again, as usual.

"And I think this constitutes as our first fight so we can have really hot make-up sex later like you've been longing for," he said with a grin.

I bit back a smile. "You'll knock over some lamps?"

He chuckled. "I promise."

I didn't want to but we finally exited the dressing room. I desperately wanted to put a bag over my head but I did survive thanks to Edward. He got me out of my bad mood instantly when he made a mad dash for the mullet and proudly put it on, grinning like a crazy fool at me. God, he looked so hilarious. I laughed until I cried. And because he was trying to 'make up' for making me mad he even let me take pictures. He put on that curly long-haired red wig and wrapped a pink scarf around his neck and I laughed so hard I choked myself. He also tried on a giant Afro, some dreadlocks and a goofy clown wig which all earned continued giggles from me.

I was busy looking at some moustaches when he came up behind me and grabbed me in his arms, dipping me and said, "Give me a kiss." He smiled at me with a set of crooked Billy Bob teeth in his mouth. I laughed so hard that I couldn't breathe and was afraid my brain was losing oxygen.

Edward told me I could go ahead and go out to the car and he would check out to save me the embarrassment of facing that kid again which I gladly accepted. He had a slew of stuff to buy which included the French Maid costume and the Billy Bob teeth.

He got in the car and handed me the bag. "Okay, this is yours," I said as I pulled out a short blond wig and matching moustache. Yep, he had to go as a porn star, no question about it especially with what went down in that changing room. I tossed him a hat and sunglasses to finish off his look.

I pulled out a long blond wig for myself and my 'Fly' glasses and a baseball cap. I stared at myself in the rearview mirror, adjusting my hat.

"This thing tickles," Edward said, wrinkling his nose at the thick moustache. I looked over at him and busted out laughing at him in that goofy 'stache and hat with the blonde wig poking out from the edges, paired with his Erik Estrada sunglasses. All he needed was some bow chicka wow wow music playing in the background and he'd be good to go.

I continued laughing as I pulled out of the parking lot.

I drove over to the hospital and parked near the garage that Jazz told me Tanya parked in. Her shift had just ended so I knew she would be coming out at any minute. I pulled out my binoculars, even though I didn't need them, and looked towards the garage's exit, watching for her car.

"I like this blond color on you," Edward said, fingering my wig. "You'll have to wear it with the French Maid costume."

I hummed half-listening and continued looking through my binoculars.

Edward leaned over and ran his hand up my thigh. "I'm disappointed that I didn't get to return the favor. I could do it now," he said, his fingers brushing against my clit and causing me to jerk.

"Stop," I said, pushing his hand away. "You're distracting me. This is serious business."

"But you're cute when you're in spy mode."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are. Turn around here and give your porn star a kiss."

"I'm not kissing you with that thing on your lip."

"Come on. I modeled the mullet for you."

I smiled. "Okay, but just a peck." I wrinkled my nose and puckered my lips up extra-big and gave him a quick little peck.

"Ew, that was creepy," I said, cringing and wiping my lip. "My dad used to have a thick moustache like that so it's kind of weirding me out."

"Okay, that is wrong and you should have told me that before you kissed me."

"Sorry," I said with a chuckle.

I picked up my binoculars and looked through them again and saw Tanya's car. "Oh, shit. There she is. I almost missed her."

I put the car in drive and followed her, staying three cars behind. "Keep your eyes on her," I said to Edward. "I don't want to lose her."

"She's turning," Edward said, pointing. "Get in the left lane."

"Shit! Get out of the way, you stupid moron," I yelled at the idiot driver beside me.

"Watch out!" Edward yelled as I slammed on the brakes.

Road rage ran rampant in my vehicle, but I somehow managed to follow her without mowing down any pedestrians or sideswiping any dumbass motorists. I followed her to a deserted parking lot. I pulled off to the side of the road and turned off the ignition. "What is she up to?" I asked, frowning as I watched her.

She turned her car off and just sat there. I pulled out my binoculars and could see the back of her blond hair through them. I picked up my camera and took a few pictures. Moments later, a silver sedan entered the parking lot. I sat up and leaned against the steering wheel as I watched it slowly pull up next to her car. The door to the sedan opened and out stepped a man. I quickly clicked off a bunch more pictures. Tanya got out of her car and I cringed when they embraced.

"That slimy slutty slutbag whoreangatang," I said with all the disgust I could muster. "I knew she was sleeping with your dad."

"Bella, that's not my dad."

"What?" I barked almost dropping the camera as my eyes darted to Edward.

"That's not my dad."

Frowning, I raised the camera and stared intently through the lens as I watched her lip lock the stranger. "Oh my fucking god," I said slowly as realization sunk in. "That triple-timing skank is cheating on Jazz _and _your dad."

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><p><strong>AN: Hehehe. There's one more chapter left and I already have a big chunk of it written. Drop me a line and let me know you're still reading. ;) My goal with this story is to make you smile, and I love when you tell me that you've had a shitty day and I made you laugh. That makes my writing so worthwhile. ;))** **I love all of you and I'll see you soon!**


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: This is the final chapter. *snot sobs* I can't thank my team enough for their encouragement and the tireless hours they've spent pouring over my chapters. I love you gals: Lfcpam, JayNahNah, and betsmecullen.**

**SM owns Twilight.**

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><p><em><strong>MY DEVIL<strong>_

_**CHAPTER 20**_

I put the car into gear and slammed my foot on the accelerator. The tires screeched and the car careened as I whipped it around the corner. I felt like I was in a scene from _Cops_. "Whoa, shit," I mumbled as I tried to gain control of it.

Edward slapped his hand against the dashboard I assumed to try to hang on. "What the hell are you doing?" he shouted.

"She is not getting away with this. That bitch is going down in flames right now and I'm about to light her up."

"Well, don't kill us in the process."

I jerked the wheel hard to the right and with a quick slam to the brakes my car came to a screeching halt. I threw open my door and stomped towards Tanya ready to verbally filet that whordiot. I could feel the heat of my anger burning through my veins. I felt like a Viking. All I needed was a sword and an axe.

Tanya separated from the dude she'd been lip-locking, and I studied him for a second, trying to figure out who he looked like. And then it hit me. He was a dead ringer for Weird Al Yankovic's older and somehow uglier long lost brother. I cringed a little before I turned my attention back to Tanya and got right up in her face. "You've got a lot of fucking nerve, you cheating skankadilla. I can't believe you would do this to my brother after everything he's been through with you. How could you?"

"Bella?" she asked her penciled-in, overly-arched eyebrows furrowing before she cocked her head to the side.

I internally groaned when it dawned on me that I was still in disguise. I glanced at Edward and of course he'd had the good judgment to already ditch his – apparently in the car – since it was nowhere to be seen. My cheeks felt like I'd been slapped around with a ping pong paddle as I quickly slipped the wig, cap and sunglasses off. "Yes, it's me," I said hatefully. "Now I want an explanation so start talking."

"I don't owe you anything. This is my business so stay the fuck out of it."

"Oh, no, this became my business the moment it involved my brother, niece and nephew."

Weird Al's bro chose that moment to butt in. "Are you married?" he asked Tanya in an incredulous voice.

"Um, well…" she hem-hawed, looking guilty as hell. "It's a long story."

"I'm outta here," he mumbled before practically running to his car. He was out of the parking lot in seconds.

I took a step closer to her. "So who was that ugly guy?"

"I don't have to tell you shit."

I took another step closer until we were almost bumping noses. "Don't make me get mean. I can make your life a living hell," I said trying my best to channel my inner Dirty Harry. I did the 'I'm a gonna kill you' lip snarl and flashed the most formidable set of eyes I could muster. "Now answer the question," I demanded desperately wanting to add 'punk' to the end of my sentence.

She swallowed hard and I felt quite jubilant that I'd scared the bitch. "He's one of the doctors at the hospital."

"So are you fucking Dr. Ugly _and_ Edward's dad?"

"What? Of course not."

"Then what's going on with you two? Edward said he saw you."

"That's right," Edward said interjecting. "Exactly what were you doing at my dad's house?"

Her beady little eyes darted back and forth between us. "It didn't work out."

"What do you mean by that? You mean you never fucked him?" I asked.

"No, I didn't."

I gave her a mean bitch brow challenging her answer because I didn't believe her.

"I'm not lying. Nothing happened."

I studied her sleazy face for a long moment and that's when I saw it. She'd been rejected by Edward's gambling pretentious prick dad. I actually found it to be quite humorous. At least he'd had enough sense to not touch the disease-infested hoe.

"So has Dr. Ugly been supplying you with cash? Jazz said you've been spending a lot of money lately."

"He has bought me gifts on occasion."

"_Prostitute,"_ I said covering it up with a cough.

Her eyes narrowed slightly. "What did you say?"

"I called you a prostitute. Now here's what's going to happen. I'm going to go talk to Jazz and if my brother has any sense – which I know he has lots of – he'll immediately file for divorce. Then you're going to cooperate and give him full custody of the kids."

"No fucking way. You can't keep me from my kids."

"Oh, I can and I will."

Tears began to form in her eyes as she grabbed my arm tightly. "Please, Bella. Please don't do this to me. I love my kids. I may have issues with men, but that doesn't mean I don't love those kids."

I yanked my arm from her grip and stared at her for a long moment. I finally took in a deep breath. "It'll be up to Jazz. It's his decision to make. But do you really want your kids to grow up and know this side of you?"

"No, no I don't."

"Then take this opportunity to get your shit straight, Tanya. If you love your children, quit sleeping around and be a mom to those kids for once. They're young right now so you've got time. You can make a difference in their lives. They can grow up and be proud of you. They can be proud to call you mom."

She stared at me before quickly wiping at her tearful eyes smearing the black mascara all over her face. "I'm going to do it. Bella, I promise you I'm going to change."

I actually smiled at her a real, true smile. I think it was the first smile I'd ever given the woman.

I glanced at Edward and he looked so proud of me. I knew I had done the right thing. I tossed him a grin before I looked back at Tanya one last time, giving her a quick nod before Edward and I made our way back to my car.

"You did good, beautiful," Edward said putting his hand on my thigh as I pulled out of the parking lot.

"Thank you. I did, didn't I?"

"Yes, you did." I glanced at Edward and his rewarding smile made me feel like I was 'king of the world'.

"Well, thank God your dad wasn't one of her johns. I was so worried about that."

"Yeah, I definitely didn't want to have to get my parents involved. Talk about awkward," he said before lightly chuckling.

"No doubt."

"Did you actually call her a skankadilla?" Edward asked before busting out laughing.

"Yes, wasn't it awesome? I just came up with that one right off the top of my head."

"It was fucking hilarious."

"Hey, that reminds me. Why didn't you say something about my disguise? I was so embarrassed I wanted to crawl under the car. I had to have looked like a moron."

"Uh, I didn't get a chance to because you jumped out of the car before I could even blink."

I laughed. "True. My adrenaline was pumping like crazy. For a moment I felt like a Viking."

"A Viking?" Edward repeated with a laugh.

"Yeah, you know that thrilling moment right before the plundering and pillaging."

Edward chuckled rubbing his hand up my thigh until his pinky finger slid against my clit. "I'm going to do some plundering and pillaging in that hot little pussy of yours when we get home."

I jerked from his contact with my clit and immediately clipped the curb as I rounded a corner bouncing us around. "Shit. You cannot pull pervy moves on me while I'm operating heavy machinery. Do you have a death wish?"

He totally ignored me and leaned across the console. Pushing my hair to the side, his warm lips found my racing pulse, and he started kissing and sucking all over my neck.

I moaned angling my head to the side to give him more access. "You don't listen well," I said with a giggle as I pulled into Jazz's driveway and turned the car off.

"Nope, I sure don't," he said and I could feel his smile against my neck.

I turned my head towards Edward, and his juicy lips immediately found mine. I could never get enough of their sweet softness. He tasted minty, our tongues twisting and mingling before his teeth bit softly into my lower lip eliciting a needy moan from me.

"I can't wait to get you home," he said against my mouth, sucking and obviously trying to eat my lower lip.

I gently tugged it away from his teeth. "I can't wait to be plundered and pillaged," I whispered before feasting on _his_ lower lip. "Are we going to wear our wigs?"

His warm lips ghosted across my cheek and down to my neck. "No fucking way," he whispered into my skin, kissing and chewing lightly on my heated flesh.

"But it'll be fun," I said breathing heavily.

"No. And I'm so going to spank your cute little ass."

"Ouch," I said with a giggle, "but only if you can catch me."

"Oh, I'll catch you all right."

A shiver chased up my spine when he tugged my earlobe into his mouth.

"Bella?"

"Huh?" I asked ready to put the car in reverse and hightail it home.

"Where the hell are we?"

"Oh yeah…" I said smiling with my eyes closed and my head lolling against the headrest. "This is my brother's place. And don't you dare give me a hickey."

Edward chuckled and pulled away from my neck. He gave me another soft kiss, rubbing his thumb against my cheek before we finally got out of the car.

"I can't wait for you to meet him," I said. He smiled at me as he laced his fingers with mine and we walked towards the door.

Within moments, Jazz was at the door with Raine in his arms and of course I immediately reached for her. "You gorgeous little cutie pie," I said before burying my face in her little neck filled with fat rolls and inhaled her clean, baby soft scent. I laughed when she giggled and tried to squirm out of my arms.

"Jazz, this is Edward Cullen," I said. "Edward, this is my brother Jasper." The two mumbled 'hello's' to each other and quickly shook hands.

Jack appeared out of nowhere and held his little hands up to me repeating, "Up, up, up." I grinned and handed Raine back to Jazz and grabbed him.

"God, I've missed you, you little stinker," I said trying to kiss his ruby red cheeks right off of his adorable little angelic face.

"Have a seat," Jazz said putting Raine down on the floor. Edward and I sat on the couch together, and Jazz sat opposite us on the recliner.

I pulled away from Jack's edible skin for a moment. "Oh, Jazz? Edward is my neighbor." I turned my head and grinned at Triple N. "Well, he _was _my neighbor but now he lives with me. It's a long story but I L him and we're going to get M'd and have B's and everything is perfect because Edward is perfect and you're going to love him because he's wonderful and oh he's an attorney. And he's super rich."

Edward threw his head back and let out a loud cackle. I glanced over at Jazz and he looked at me like I'd just hijacked a horse and buggy to carry me off to Dumb Boob, USA. "What in the world are you talking about?" he asked his eyes darting between me and Edward.

"Let me handle this," Edward said smiling and still chuckling a little. I grinned at him and gave him a quick nod before turning my attention back to Jack's soft cheeks. "Your sister certainly has a unique way with words," Edward told Jazz. "That's one of the reasons why I love her."

My eyes darted to Edward's and he stared back at me with complete adoration shining in them. His lovely eyes were so beautiful and gentle as he gave me a cute little wink. "See?" I said, grinning crazily at Edward before I looked at Jazz. "I told you he was perfect, so perfect like the most perfect man on the planet."

I glanced back at Edward and he smiled so happy and contentedly slightly shaking his head at me.

Jack climbed off my lap and ran out of the room his speedy little bare feet carrying him quickly out of sight. I scooted closer to Edward and linked my hand in his. I really wanted to just crawl into his lap and start sucking on his scrumpdillylicious lips again.

"I did move in next door to Bella and that's how we met," Edward said to Jazz. "I think I fell in love with her the moment I saw her and every moment that I spend with her, I fall a little harder."

I immediately turned into some kind of liquefied gloppy gunk right there on my brother's couch. It was going to be an ugly clean up. Sighing, I leaned my head against Edward's shoulder and snuggled as close to him as I could get. "Jazz, I love him so much," I said mooning over my hot man.

Edward squeezed my hand and I smiled when I felt him try to scoot closer to me.

Jazz grinned and sat back in his recliner, crossing his ankle over his knee. "I can see that."

"We have discussed marriage and children which probably seems a little premature," Edward continued. "But I wanted Bella to know how serious this was for me, how deep and true my feelings ran for her. I know that your father has passed on and please accept my deepest condolences. I wish I could have met him. But when the time is right, I'd like to come to you to ask your permission to marry Bella. It'll be sometime in the future of course and hopefully after we've all had a chance to really get to know each other."

Jasper continued to smile. "I like that. I'm beginning to like you already."

"I told you," I said to Jazz. "He's perfect, splendidly perfect."

Edward suddenly released my hand as Jack jumped on the couch and climbed into Edward's lap with a truck in tow. I had to laugh at Edward's defensive position; he was already guarding his package. I moved out of the way and grinned. "Hey, can you watch the kids for a minute while I go talk to Jazz?"

"Um…" Edward said looking around nervously. "Sure, I'll try."

"We'll just be in the kitchen. You can yell if you need us. Or scream like a woman," I added with a giggle, recalling his last babysitting experience.

"Not funny."

"So funny," I said giggling harder because his encounter with the booger bubble was epically hilarious.

Jazz and I walked to the kitchen and sat down at the table. "So you two are really serious, huh?" he asked, smiling. "I would lecture you about moving too fast, but I can clearly see that you two love each other. It's for real, isn't it?"

"It's so for real. He just 'gets' me, Jazz. He makes me smile like crazy and laugh until I can't breathe. He's someone I can crack jokes with yet he makes my legs weak and causes my heart to flutter. All I can say is that I'm absolutely crazy insane for him."

Still smiling, Jazz stood and pulled me into a hug. "I couldn't be happier for you, Sissy."

"Thank you, half-breed," I said giving him a misty smile.

We both sat back down, and I stared at my little brother for a long moment. How could I tell him his wife has been cheating on him after all that bragging I just did about me and Edward? I felt like an oaf.

"She's cheating, isn't she?" he asked quietly.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, reaching my hand out to squeeze his.

He nodded. "It's all right. I'm sure you know by now that I never loved her. I tried but you just can't make yourself fall in love with someone. It's something that can't be forced. I thought we could somehow make it work, for the kids' sake, but I guess I should have known better."

"You have such a sweet, kind heart."

"I guess I need to toughen up a little, huh?"

"I don't want you to change a single thing about yourself, do you hear me?"

The corner of his mouth turned up and he gave me a little nod.

"So what are you going to do now?"

He took in a deep breath. "I'm done. It's time to move on. We'll have to discuss living arrangements and of course there are the kids to think of…" he said and I hated how sad he looked. "Maybe we can do joint custody or something. I want the kids to know their mother."

"You are such a good and honorable man, Jazz. I'm so proud to call you my brother."

He smiled and stared down at our clasped hands for a moment before meeting my eyes again. "Maybe one of these days I can find that special something that you and Edward have. I haven't found that yet."

I squeezed his hands tightly. "I know you will, Jazz, I just know it. Sometimes it's right there so close that it could bite you on the ass." He probably thought I was referring to Edward being next door to me, but all I could think of was Alice.

Loud giggles and screams came from the living room, and I could hardly wait to get back in there to see what all the commotion was about. I gave Jazz another tight hug before I booked it down the hallway. I found Edward on all fours on the floor, running the truck gently over Raine's chubby legs and causing her tinkling laughter to fill the room with warmth. Jack also giggled from his position on Edward's back his short, stubby little arms wrapped tightly around his neck. Edward's charming laughter rang out and when he looked up at me with his hair all topsy-turvy and his green eyes sparkling, my heart skipped and sputtered and almost gave out on me. I had never seen a more beautiful sight in my life.

Edward and I played with the kids for a while longer before we reluctantly said our goodbyes. On the way home, I told Edward about my conversation with Jazz. I had just pulled into my garage when my phone rang. "Damn it," I said hearing Rose's ringtone. "She's going to fuck up the plundering and the pillaging," I said looking at Edward. "Sorry but I really need to take this."

"No problem. I'll just go get my mail."

I nodded and quickly answered the phone. "What do you want?"

"Well, hello to you too. What crawled up your ass, bitch?"

"Sorry, I'm in a mood but you know I love you and you'll forgive me. What do you want?"

"I need you to help me pick out a wedding gown."

"Uh, absolutely. When are we going?"

"Well, I don't have much time left before the wedding. How's tomorrow?"

"Works for me."

"Oh, and I've got our flight info. Emmett booked us a private jet."

"Damn, girl. We're going to be flying in style."

"I know."

"Oh, guess what? Jazz is getting a divorce."

"It's about time he dumped that slut."

"I know. Now I just have to figure out how to get him and Alice hooked up."

"Invite him to the wedding. We've got plenty of room."

"Seriously?" I said squealing a little. "That's perfect!"

We chatted some more before we hung up, and I quickly retrieved all of the bags out of the car. Edward was already in the house and had let Diablo out. He was leaning against the center island, opening his mail.

I dumped the bags down and went to let Diablo in. I started cracking up when I saw him. He was carrying a stick in his mouth that probably weighed more than he did. It was enormous. I went to grab it and he growled and took off. I laughed again and every time I got close to him, he ran away.

"Do you need some help?" Edward called out.

"No, I got this."

The little turd was playing keep away with me. I finally cornered him and I had to yank and pull and yell at him to let go of the stupid stick. I even tried tickling him which by the way doesn't work on dogs. He finally let loose just enough that I was able to pull it free. I tossed the tree limb in the trash, got him a chewie, and tucked him temporarily in the pantry.

I pulled out my blonde wig and quickly put it on. Edward looked up and smirked, tossing his mail to the side. "Go put the maid costume on no panties. I'm going to make that hot little pussy come before I plunder you."

I giggled a little and my breathing got wonky as I did exactly as he said. I dashed into the bathroom and my heart pounded as I put on the skimpy little outfit. I opened the door and busted out laughing uncontrollably when I saw Edward buck naked in his wig with his stiff cock reaching for the sky.

He charged at me and I turned and ran screaming and laughing hysterically. I made it to the couch before he tackled me, pinning me underneath him. I laughed my chest heaving up and down as I grabbed his wig and tossed it across the room. "That was fucking creepy," I said grinning at him before I took mine off and launched it into the air.

Laughing, his lips found my collar bone, raising goose bumps as they moved sensually across my skin. I inhaled his musky aftershave and his woodsy smelling hair before my fingers delved into the silky strands. He pulled away from my skin just a bit, dipping a finger into my cleavage. "So goddamn sexy," he mumbled before his mouth descended on my exposed breasts where he replaced his finger with his tongue.

"Oh god," I groaned.

"I'm going to make you come so hard. Do you want my mouth on you, beautiful? Do you want to feel my tongue licking your clit and sucking on your sweet little pussy?"

"Fuck yeah."

"Beg me. Beg me to suck your pussy."

Damn he knew how to make me wet. I could feel my cheeks and the lips under my skirt simultaneously heating. "Fuck, Edward," I said before heaving in a huge lungful of air. "I want you to suck my pussy. Please."

"Are you getting wet?" he said as he began to move down my body. "Are you going to scream my name when I make you come?"

"Yes, yes, yes…"

"Spread those legs, beautiful. I want to see that hot pussy and those swollen lips."

I spread my legs and watched his eyes darken as they roamed over my bare private parts. He fucked my pussy right then and there. A large gust of air expelled from my lungs when his finger trailed through my wetness. "Always so fucking wet. I have to taste you, beautiful. Right now," he said before pillaging my pussy with his mouth. I let out a wail, grabbed onto his hair and hung on for dear life. He licked and sucked and finger fucked me into oblivion. I screamed his name over and over again when my orgasm charged through my body and I pulsed and clenched his fingers like a wrench.

My sated, droopy, limp, useless body just laid there feeling completely and totally blissed out. I couldn't even open my eyes. I heard the tearing sound of a condom wrapper and still couldn't move.

"I want you over this couch with your ass in the air," Edward said, dragging my lifeless body from the couch. He smacked me hard on my ass and I suddenly came back to life.

"I said get your adorable little ass over this couch."

I moaned and leaned over, placing my hands on the arm of the chair. "Fuck, your ass is fine," he said before smacking it again. It hurt like hell but oddly enough felt fantastic and I wanted him to do it again.

"Fuck," I groaned.

"I'm going plunder your pussy so hard you won't be able to sit down for a week," he said ramming his cock into me.

"Holy shit…"

"Does my cock feel good?" he said sliding in and out of me hard and fast.

"Yes, oh god, yes."

"Your pussy is so hot, so wet."

"Yes, yes," I moaned as he fucked me with a punishing pace.

"Touch your clit. I want to feel you come all over my cock."

I panted as my hand slipped between my legs, and I started rubbing my sensitive nub.

He kept thrusting and pounding into me harder and harder. And I kept rubbing and circling my clit getting closer and closer.

He shifted his position going a little deeper and smacked me on the ass again. "Oh fuck, right there. Oh yeah _right_… _there_…" I grunted before coming like a freight train all over his cock.

"Fuck, yes," he shouted pounding into me over and over again as his orgasm rushed through his body.

I collapsed over the arm of the couch, my ass up in the air and my head buried in the cushions. I could hear Edward's heavy breathing behind me. He softly rubbed my ass where I'm sure there were now hand prints before he pulled out and did his business with the condom. I didn't move. I planned on staying in that position with my ass in the air for the rest of the night.

Edward laughed and I could feel the couch move when he sat down. "You okay?" he asked, gently tugging on my hair.

I shook my head and kept my face buried.

"You think that was good just wait until we have make-up sex later and I knock over some lamps."

"Oh god," I moaned into the pillow.

He did knock over and break two of my lamps, one that I was particularly fond of. He said he'd buy me a dozen more to replace it. We crashed into bed that night both of us completely exhausted and fantastically fulfilled.

I went shopping with Rose the next day, and we spent five and a half hours in one dress shop. I almost killed the woman. Had there been any weapons in the vicinity, she would have bit the dust. She had to have tried on every dress in that damn store always finding one little thing about it that she didn't like. But when she did finally find the 'one', I smiled when her eyes got a little misty. She looked absolutely stunning like a movie star from an era gone by. She was a modern day Jean Harlow or a Greta Garbo.

The next couple of weeks flew by. I didn't want to but I did eventually meet the parents. Edward bribed me with chocolate. The four of us met up for dinner. When I first stepped into the restaurant and got a good look at Edward's mother, Esme, my eyes widened, my mouth dropped open and I literally had to bite my tongue to stop myself from having a giggle attack. The woman's face was stretched tighter than a drum and her strange eyebrows were pulled up so high on her forehead that I didn't think she could even blink. Her lips were inflated and the skin around her mouth was pulled so tight that she couldn't even smile. My eyes darted to Edward, and he just grinned madly at me obviously enjoying my plight. He told me later that he didn't warn me about her plastic surgery obsession because he was dying to see my reaction. I giggled inappropriately four times during dinner and had to cram my face in my napkin to try to hide it, all the while Edward snickered and pinched my thigh under the table.

Esme proved to be quite lovely in spite of her unusual face. Edward's father, Carlisle, on the other hand was unbelievably handsome but an absolute insufferable prick. He definitely had a "God complex" going on because he constantly talked about his life as a famous surgeon. And he definitely drank too much and even tried to belittle Edward talking about how disappointed he was in him becoming a lawyer. He moaned and complained about how neither of his boys followed in his footsteps. I wanted to junk punch him when he looked down his perfectly straight nose at me like a stuck-up pig when I told him what I did for a living. Edward managed to make me smile though throughout the evening because he'd lean over and periodically whisper a word in my ear. Dickless, asshat, dickweed, douchebag, and dipshit were among the few that I remember. Miraculously, we managed to survive the dinner.

Jazz did file for divorce and agreed to go to Vegas with us. The flight there was unbelievably luxurious. We went through a ton of champagne and Lauren and Victoria were drunk before we even got there. Emmett also came through on the accommodations. We had the penthouse suite, and it was pure opulence. We gambled, drank and dined on caviar. Well, that is everyone except me. Fish babies made me gag. And Edward fucked me on every surface in our room. But the hottest moment of all was when he fucked me from behind pressing me up against the floor-length windows as I stared at the mesmerizing lights of the Vegas strip. I came so hard I hallucinated and thought I saw Batman fly past our window. But I later found out that I really did see Batman. He jumped off the top of our building as part of some show.

All of the girls got pampered to the max with massages, facials, and full body treatments. My body was scraped, waxed and polished to a shiny, glowing finish. We also had our nails, make-up and hair done. I felt like a million bucks.

We all helped Rose get dressed which annoyed the hell out of her. We finally piled into our awaiting limos and made our way to the small wedding chapel. I stood with Rose while Emmett made the arrangements.

"How's my hair?" she asked, touching it. Not one hair was out of place.

I smiled at her nervousness. Rose never got rattled. I enjoyed seeing her drop her tough demeanor for a moment and show some 'normal' emotions. "It's straight, satiny and gorgeous," I said. "You look beautiful, Rosy-Posy."

Her lip snarled a little. "Thanks, Bella-bitch."

I laughed and kissed her on the cheek. Lauren and Victoria suddenly appeared and rudely pushed me out of the way talking non-stop and started straightening every little thing on Rose's gown. I stepped aside and let them have at it.

My eyes scanned the small room and I smiled when I saw Alice and Jasper huddled closely together deep in conversation. Alice's eyes met mine. They were full of a range of emotions: a touch of in trepidation, excitement, but most of all contentment. This was where she belonged as a part of my family and with my brother whom she had loved for so long. Smiling, I mouthed the words, _"Love you."_

"_Me too,"_ she mouthed back.

Edward approached me from behind and wrapped his arms around my waist. Sighing, I rested my arms on top of his, covering his hands with mine before I entwined our fingers together. I could feel his warm breath in my hair. "This isn't us, is it?" he asked.

I snorted, looking around the small, cheesy wedding chapel. "Definitely not us."

"I'm starting to get a picture of _us_ in my head."

My stomach fluttered and danced the Macarena. "You mean us getting M'd?"

"Yes."

I smiled. "What do you see?"

"Hmm… It's just you and me, on a beach. It's dusk and the sun is just starting to set over the horizon behind us. The sky is beautiful, full of pinks and purples. You're wearing a simple thin white gown with small straps over your bare shoulders. The wind is blowing just right, causing it to outline every curve of your body. You frown and fidget with it, and I stare, inappropriately. You haul off and smack me. It hurts like hell."

I barked out a laugh. "You deserved it, you dirty perv."

Edward laughed. "Maybe…"

"No, definitely."

I could feel Edward's face still buried in my hair. He inhaled deeply. "I see you standing there. Your hair is up with strands dangling around your face, and you have a small wreath of flowers in it. The colors match the same pinks and purples as the sky behind you."

"I look beautiful?" I whispered.

"More than beautiful; you take my breath away. You're more stunning than I've ever seen you look."

Closing my eyes, I sighed and leaned my head closer to his, feeling warm, loved and precious.

"You're barefoot," he continued, "and your cute little purple-colored toes are digging nervously into the sand."

His words painted a perfect picture in my head. I felt like I was standing there with him, like I could hear the sound of the waves crashing against the sand and feel the warmth of the tropical air on my skin.

"I'm wearing a black tuxedo because it's been your life's dream to see my superhot self in one," he said and I immediately started giggling.

"True."

"And I'm wearing Italian leather loafers because I have to keep my corpse-colored feet hidden."

I snorted out a laugh and squeezed his hands. "_So_ true. We wouldn't want them to get sunburned, or make me feel nauseous."

Edward chortled. I snickered right along with him. He took in a deep breath. "I see a dark-skinned native standing beside us who is going to perform the ceremony."

"What does he look like?"

"What do you want him to look like?"

I frowned and thought for a minute. "He's tiny. Like six inches shorter than me and twenty pounds lighter. He has long white hair and his face is lined and weathered. He's wearing an unbuttoned white shirt, and he has a big scar on his stomach from either a knife fight, or appendicitis attack. Oh, and he has a white braided necklace around his neck with a strange wooden symbol on the end of it."

"Perfect," Edward said and I could hear the smile in his voice. "I'm envisioning him perfectly."

I smiled happily and squeezed his hands. "So what happens next?"

He pulled me a little tighter, molding his body to mine. "Well, just as he starts to speak, we're interrupted by a loud noise. We look up and see a beach bum approaching us. Oblivious to our wedding proceedings, he asks for money. I look down at you with a question in my eyes, and since you can read my mind, you simply nod. I ask the guy to join us and tell him that if he'll stick around for our ceremony, I'll make it worth his while. He grins widely and shows us his one yellowed tooth."

A loud giggle popped out of me. "I like that, helping the beach dweller, the toothless beach dweller."

"We stare into each other's eyes and just as we start to say our vows, my nostrils flare and I cough a little. Our homeless guest reeks of body odor."

"Oh, no," I said between laughter.

"Oh, yes. The poor guy probably hasn't had a bath in months. You take a whiff and get the giggles. Every time you start to say your vows, you giggle like an adorable crazy person. I finally ask the smelly fellow to trade places with us so he's downwind. We both continue to laugh through our nuptials, but we somehow manage to get through them."

"Do I cry?"

"Yes, you get weepy, but it's more like a laughing weepy. We exchange rings. Yours is a small band. You wanted it plain and simple, but I insisted on adding diamonds all the way around it. You don't know it but I purchased the most expensive diamonds I could find. We kiss and I dip you, making you gasp a little. Then you whisper something. I reach into my pocket and give the beach bum a wad of cash because I'm Mr. Moneybags. He blesses us and grins, flashing us his one tooth. He talks up a storm to himself as he walks away from us, counting his newfound wealth. But it isn't until later that we realize we didn't get his name…"

"Oh my god, I love this story. Okay, I've got this one," I said giddily. My brows scrunched together as I chewed on my lip for a few seconds, trying to come up with an awesome name for the guy. "I've got it. His name is Foul Finnegan."

"Oh, no, definitely not," Edward argued. "I'm thinking more like something smelly. Smelly… Smitty. That's it. His name is Smelly Smitty."

"Smitty? That's the stupidest name I've ever heard of. No way, he's definitely Foul Finnegan."

"You're wrong and stop arguing with me and let me continue the story. I'm about to get to the best part."

"Okay…" I said, grinning widely and loving him with every fiber of my being.

"We stay naked for two solid weeks in a bungalow on the beach; we literally only leave for food. But I know that as soon as we get back to the States I'm going to have to take you in for emergency surgery… because you've gone cross-eyed."

I busted out laughing like a lunatic. Lauren and Victoria both turned around and gave me dirty looks. I just shook my head at them and continued howling. Edward chuckled along with me. "Oh my god, that is so fucking hilarious," I said, gasping for air. "I love it."

"When we get back home from our honeymoon, we discover that you're pregnant. And because you cannot leave my superhot brat alone, you start popping out a bunch of kids."

"How many?"

"How many do you want?"

"Hmm… I've never thought about it before. Maybe three or four?"

"Four is a nice even number. We have three boys and one girl we name Elizabeth. The boys look like you; the girl looks like me. We love and laugh our way into old age."

"Do you end up being a superhot old fart?"

"Of course, a superhot old fart, dirty old man."

I laughed. "Oh, so you chase me around in your motorized wheelchair?"

"No, I walk with a cane. And occasionally use it on your wrinkled ass."

"Gross!"

Edward laughed. "That _was_ gross."

"So what do you look like?" I asked.

"Hmm… I see myself as bald on the top with tufts of white hair on the sides of my head that stick out all crazy – sort of like Einstein – and I've definitely packed on a few pounds. What do you look like?"

"Hmm… I'm wrinkled like a saddlebag and completely gray-headed. Oh, and I have a set of false teeth I keep on the bedside table at night."

"So sexy…"

"I know."

"We both die at the ripe old age of 90 on the same day in each other's arms like in that stupid girly movie you told me about but I refused to watch."

My eyes were full of tears as I released his hands and turned around in his arms. "It's perfect," I gushed. "I love our story so much. Do you think it could come true, that we could have that together?"

His eyes were so soft and tender. He gently cupped my cheek in his hand. "Of course, beautiful, we have every day of the rest of our lives to make it happen."

It was at that moment that the doors to the small wedding chapel flew open and Emmett barged into the room, shouting, "Thank ya, thank ya vera much!" in the worst Elvis voice I'd ever heard. My eyes bulged when I caught sight of him dressed to the nines as The King himself wearing a bell bottom white suit drenched in red and blue rhinestones. He was even outfitted with a cape and a plunging neckline that showed off his muscled tattooed chest. He started doing some air guitar and pelvic thrusts totally into character when Rose angrily shouted, "What the hell, Emmett?"

He just smiled like a kid in a candy store and started walking down the aisle towards Rose. But he somehow tripped on the rug in his blue suede shoes and fell face first, his Elvis wig flying off. "Emmett, you stupid dumbass," I heard Rose shout. My eyes flew to Edwards and that was how we started our future together… laughing our asses off.

**THE END**

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><p><strong>AN: LMAO! Not gonna lie, I cracked myself up with this chapter. Hehe. I can't believe this is the end! I hope you've enjoyed this story as much as I've had fun writing it. ;))**

**Here are my writing plans. I'm going to finish ASWNE and LB, but I've also started two new stories. ;)) I gotta write the humor. One is going to have a funny, quirky Edward in his POV and the other story is going to have an E & B that totally and completely hate each other and that story will be in BPOV. I'm going to try to pre-write both of those stories so I can update regularly. ;)) So don't forget to put me on author alert. I've got a bunch more stories percolating in my weird brain. ;)) Love to each and every one of you.**


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